Oh, it HAS been a while.

Merry belated Christmas. Happy almost New Year.

It's that weird in-between time when all the Christmas decor goes on sale and the stores put out flower displays and start promoting spring, but you're still bundling up in your winter coat and the cold spells have just barely begun.

That was a really long sentence. It was meant to sound poetic.

But seriously, that's how it feels.

Christmas was an uneventful affair...I spent the Eve with Cal and the actual Day with my dad. I think we watched Netflix. Then my dad fell asleep and I picked up Chiara so we could watch the Doctor Who christmas special together (literally the entire reason I purchased cable for the TV).

We didn't go to visit Mommy. I think it would have been too much. I hope she understands.

I got a onesie with feet for christmas (yay!) and a package of blank canvases to draw on. I also got a really amazing mug with the letter E on it.

It's the 28th today. I was out working with Cal and when we were done, he put a location in the GPS and set it to start, saying "it's a place I've been wanting to check out."

I didn't ask questions because, well, that's kind of how we roll. It's not like he's going to take me someplace ridiculous...I dunno. There's a lot of "do what you want" and "meh, okay, no biggie" in how we interact. I guess the way people who have been friends for nearly a decade act (summer 2017 will make ten years) kind of sums us up.

Well. I assumed it was going to be a restaurant because I had been talking about food...but guess where we ended up? Canarsie....at a lawyer's firm that was COMPLETELY decked out in Christmas lights and decorations and moving figures and just..so...cool!

Not what I expected at all. And we literally had to drive a good half hour out of our way, deeper into Brooklyn, to get there. What's really nice though, is that in my own mind, I had been wanting to find a house like that to look at. My mom and dad and brother and I used to go and look at a house that was decked out in Christmas decor when I was very small, and I remember it.

That's the way Cal is. Random nice things, when you least expect it. Like showing up at my job with a box of Oreo cookies on my lunch break. Or bringing me lunch when I was really sick, with cayenne pepper added to it because I had mentioned that I knew cayenne was good for colds. Showing up on my doorstep with Dunkin Donuts breakfast before work one morning. And this.

It might be kind of silly, and it's also NOT what I started this blog post intending to write about, but wow, I'm realizing that that meant a lot. Not because like, aw, it was a romantic thing. Nah. Not like that. It was really sweet, but it's more like, wow, I really wanted to see a house like that, and I got to see one. Memories...old memories, with new ones added now. I can feel that that's going to make this Christmas be one that actually stands out in my memory, and there are very few that do that.

There's the year when I got the Tina doll toy set that I had wanted, and my brother got a soccer ball, there's the year we were decorating the tree and Simba (my kitten) was walking around underneath it..my dad had borrowed my uncle's huge over-the-shoulder video camera that year. Then there's 2006, when my dad, mom and I found our way to Rockefeller center on Christmas Day, and looked at the tree, and Carol of the Bells by the Trans Siberian Orchestra played deafeningly loud throughout the streets...and it was like you could feel it in your bones.

Honestly...those are the only three that stand out as true memories.

This has ended up being a really nice blog post, and I want to keep it that way. It's nice. For the first time in a long time, I feel content.

=)

New Years Resolutions

1. Cut out dairy to get clear skin
2. get on and stay on a schedule for being productive
3. finish my novel
4. become financially stable.

2016 in Review

January - We had a blizzard and I got a lot of cats
February - I turned 27
March - My mom died, end of month got into a relationship
April - a blur
May - a blur
June - I got out of a job that I hated, that relationship ended
July - weirdness...packing
August - moving
September - a lot of working, started talking to Cody again
October - reconnected with Cody, found out that wouldn't work, got back into the first relationship after a whole lot of talking... :)
November - thanksgiving at Khrys' house, launched thenerdystuff blog
December - TBD.

I just needed to blog

I'm okay. I really am...just sometimes I'm not. Mainly...well, always when I'm not okay it's about my mom. I'm missing her a lot more now, especially with the holidays coming up. Nia took me out shopping for Christmas decorations on Thursday, which was amazing of her. (It's the friends like those that are the life-long ones). She did it to cheer me up and make me feel that I didn't have to be alone in the decorating and stuff.

I wonder what's going to happen for Thanksgiving. If my dad and I will go anywhere.

Besides that....can I go "goofy" for a moment?

Cal held my hand.

(AAAHHHHH)

Sorry. Had to get that out there, lol. I don't know if I've mentioned it on here before, but hand holding has always been a really big deal for me. An even bigger deal than sex. Like, to the point where I could feel comfortable enough to have sex with someone but not feel comfortable enough to hold their hand.

Sounds dumb, backwards even, I know, but let me explain. Sex has been devalued. It's a casual pleasure thing for most people. One night stands and all that. But you're not going to hold someone's hand unless you really care about them. It implies affection. Well. In my mind, anyway. And you'll see casual strangers screwing each other, but you don't see them walking around holding hands, lol. Or lying in bed watching Doctor Who and holding hands.

So.

^_^

Lol.

I like the way this is going.

OH! Also...this convo happened.

Cal: I want you to have my kids.
Me: That's the moment talking.
Cal: It's not. I told you, I've thought about this.

And this one, about a month later:

Me: Are you really actually serious about wanting kids?
Cal: (quiet for a moment) I would like to...
Me: You do realize that means you'd be stuck with me for at least the next eighteen years, right?
Cal: Hah! Yes. I am aware of that.

I have to admit, after that convo, the idea started to grow on me. But the timing isn't right, not yet, anyway. I'm also starting on birth control this Sunday. Ah. That's tomorrow. Wow. A little nervous about that....I've never been on it before. But I need to be responsible.

So many changes, all at once.

In my life, I mean. And figuring out who I am and what matters to me. A lot of stuff that I thought was "supposed to" matter, I'm realizing doesn't. But after all, it's my life, and I have to answer for myself and live with whatever I'm comfortable with. Not my parents' life.

I mean, that stuff (like sex before marriage) probably IS supposed to matter.

Sigh.

I have a question. Why does my doctor (and other people) say that you should always wear a condom to protect against STI's...when you've already NOT done that, been tested, are in a monogamous relationship, and have no diseases? Doesn't that mean your partner also has no diseases? Granted, any one could go and cheat at any time and bring back ickyness, but what about in marriage? Should you be wearing one then? Just in case your husband decides to cheat?

I don't see what the point is of using one if you're on birth control. Well....unless the birth control doesn't work because you miss a day or two...but I've set an alarm. Anyway. What I mean is, if everything is on point, then why?

Eh. There's probably a really good reason and I'm just being naive.

I also got a new mug....(drastic topic change, I know) that's the mostest gorgeousest thing out there...it's white and it says "too much MONDAY, not enough COFFEE" in gold lettering. Ahhh. It's lovely.

I have this urge to work today, because I know I need more money. My dad loaned me a couple hundred so that I could pay the internet and my car loan. Sigh. He says I need to pay him back by next year, but of course I want to do it WAY before that.

I've GOT to get a reliable source of income. Wait. I have one. I just need to make use of it.

It's been good to blog again, and with good news, not just all sad, angsty stuff.

I've missed it.

I think I may be stretching myself too thin.

Tutoring.
Website launch (in ten days!!)
Postmates/uber.
Gallery.

That's it. That's all I'm doing. But I have a habit of panicking and thinking that I don't have enough time in a day to accomplish everything I need to, when that's SO not true.

I'm also worried about my finances for this month. And I'm hungry. But that's neither here nor there, except for the fact that the internet bill is two months overdue and I only have about $150 left in my account.

Okay. Time to take a step back and figure out what we want.

I want to be self sufficient. I also want to not need to tutor. Why? Um.......because it stresses me? But wouldn't everything stress me? Yes. So never mind that. Keep tutoring.

If I go out every evening that I don't have tutoring and do postmates and uber from say, seven pm to ten pm, it would help with the income.

What am I worried and nervous and fretting about? Starting my life, basically. I mean, I'm already living my life, but...two of my high school friends just had babies, and my childhood best friend just got married. It makes me fret, a little bit, and feel kind of bad, because here I am having never been in a real relationship that's lasted longer than three months.

I don't know how to calculate the thing with Cal, because that lasted two months, wasn't on for three, and now is back on for about one. So...is it three months or do we just round it up to six months? When March 30th comes around next year will it be a year? Or does it start over from October? Eh. Who cares. But what I mean is that...I feel bad for not being like everyone else. I know that's dumb. So dumb. But it's a fact. And then I get sad that my mom will not be there to help me with a child when I do have one.

Lotta things going on in this head at one time.

Well. What do I want?

To be self sufficient, to have my own apartment (with or without a roommate), to be stylish (because yes, that stuff matters to me) and to be self-employed doing something I love, which would be science journalism and combining art with that.

These are the steps I must take to get there: I'm working on my website, and my tutoring will require maybe three-four hours of prep time during the week. See? That's not even much! I need real food, though. OH! And I also want to have a healthy lifestyle. Where I stay slim and trim, and actually eat healthy, home-cooked food. Mostly non-cooked, actually. Like smoothies (and coffee!) for breakfast, and then salads for lunch and soups and stuff for dinner. With the occasional good ol' jamaican meal every now and again. I will find a way.

It's in the small decisions each day, though, isn't it? Like what I decide to eat, what I decide to spend my time doing....and I need to also build in free time that doesn't get encroached on by anyone. This requires time budgeting and also monetary budgeting.

I need a fund that's like an adventure fund.

With disposable money for random going out and stuff.

Okay. Yay. There we go.

And once I'm on a financially stable flow (gotta find out what works that I can consistently pay my bills) then I can start saving for trips to travel around ze world.

fifty random facts tag.

no one tagged me. i tag myself.

1.i'm mixed.
2.i don't have a favorite color anymore.
3.i love burgers. real burgers. not fake burgers. checkers has fake burgers.
4. i need mushrooms on like, everything.
5. i was homeschooled through the 5th grade. my mom taught me.
6. i have two cats.
7. i finally have waist length hair.
8. i'm a coffee addict.
9. i went through a punk rock/scene phase about three years too late.
10. i have a bunk bed that i don't use as a bunk bed.
11. i hate socks.
12. i love socks.
13. i love photography.
14. i photobomb random strangers on the street.
15. i'm an aquarius. No matter what the new zodiac says.
16. i heart reading. especially sci-fi.
17. i'm falling in love with anime. Uh-oh.
18. i have like ten different instagram accounts. i only use two.
19. i don't go on facebook. ew.
20. i can type 70 wpm.
21. i never read harry potter.
22. i will always love baked macaroni and cheese.
23. i can't stand long fingernails.
24. i haven't been on a plane since i was six years old.
25. i'm not that scared of spiders anymore.
26. my ears are stretched to 10mm.
27. i've had a total of 12 piercings and four tattoos.
28. i'm 5'10".
29. i have one brother, one niece, and one nephew.
30. i like drawing.
31. i've been playing the drums since i was 18.
32. i'm 27 now.
33. i'm from new york city.
34. i speak norwegian.
35. i hardly ever know original songs; only the cover versions i find on YouTube.
36. my favorite movies are Day After Tomorrow, Transformers, and The Sorcerer's Apprentice.
37. i can explain stuff really well through writing, but from my mouth, bleh.
38. i love fairy lights.
39. scented candles are life.
40. i used to work at a preschool as an admin assistant. i hated it.
41. i used to work in a different preschool as a teacher's assistant. i loved it.
42. every time i see a baby, i want kids.
43. every time i hear a baby cry, i swear i never want kids.
44. i used to ride a longboard to get around campus.
45. i've gone through so many different pen names.
46. if you want to impress me, text me and use proper grammar.
47. Eia is a combination of my initials. yes. i have two middle names.
48. i believe in Jesus.
49. i only straighten my hair once a year, in the fall.
50. if i'm interested in something, i will research the crap out of it. for weeks on end.

I think I must be kind of pathetic

I'm becoming the person I never wanted to be.

Is it just me changing? Growing up? Or am I compromising too much? Or do I have no self control?

Anyway.

He came to visit for four days. And I've realized that there are deal breakers. I don't like how much he drinks. I don't like that he prefers to be high most of the time. I don't want to settle down yet.

I don't mean settle down in a relationship, I mean settle down in one part of the globe.

And also......Calvin wants to try again. Da fuq? Didn't see that coming. ANY TIME SOON. What's crazy though is that I'm so ready to jump back into that.

Only thing is...he doesn't want a title on it. Says a title doesn't really count for anything. (In response to my saying that a title is kind of like the only official guarantee you have) which I get, because yes, you can still cheat or still break up and still yada yada yada...even if you're married to someone.

All this stuff has been in my head and I haven't been able to sort it out until now...writing always helps.

He said that feelings for me grew (bigger) back when we were together, and then it was like nothing changed besides the physical part being removed, and that it used to be fun to resist me but now it's painful....and then there's the huge jump to saying he wants to get me pregnant which every part of me is like what the fudge, that's a huge leap, you don't even want a title but yet...wth?

What I'm trying to figure out is if I'm okay with the current arrangement.

Which is....we're "working on it" and seeing where it goes (he says he has a vision in his head but he hasn't said exactly what that is)

but the part that bugs me is...he would be okay with each of us dating someone else and then still having sex. The way that got brought up was weird...

I agree in one sense with no title because a title does tend to put pressure and expectations and take the fun out of exploring...and I feel like we rushed it the first time around.

I just...I don't necessarily need a guarantee like oh yes I want to marry you...because I have no idea if we would be compatible for that...it's like we've just admitted that we both are interested in each other what, six months ago? So it's like hey, take ten steps back and start from the beginning again. But I would like some sort of confirmation that he's not going to go on tinder and decide to talk to someone and then date them and be like so...I have sex with my best friend every once in a while, are you okay with that? (Literally a direct quote from him).

But then...what the heck is his vision? You don't sit there and want to have kids with someone..that's a lifelong commitment of like hey, we need to be involved in each other's lives forever...or at least for the next eighteen years.

And then, if we each did date someone else like in his weird potential scenario, wouldn't the connection between best friends who also sleep together who have a decade or more of history and solid friendship under the belt trump anything else? Anyway, I would never consider that as an option.

Although. What's weird is that had I gotten together with Cody and he had tried to "be a threat" I would probably have caved. What does that say?

Dunno.

Am I a bad person?

What does he even want? He likes hanging out with me and is also attracted to me physically. Same here. Eh. I've talked myself in a circle. But the "working on it" thing makes sense, because everything was so rushed before.

We are best friends who are exploring the possibility of what the mutual attraction could lead to....figuring it out. (isn't sex usually the last step in that?)

Anyway. Kids are a bad idea. For right now, at least. And I don't want to be pregnant out of wedlock. Eff that.

I can't think inside my head as well as I can think on paper...or on a screen. It goes in circles.

Suppose I do want to put an effort into this. That's so scary. It's like all these chapters in my life that I only ever thought about being in the distant future are all happening at once. Losing a parent. Being independent more than ever before. All of a sudden having the possibility of a proper relationship standing at the door.

That's the scariest part. Well, no, it's not, but I've already gotten through the worst, which was losing one parent.

So suppose I do go with the option of renting from him for two months. What would that mean? Nothing is set in stone...it doesn't have to be. Relationships end. I'm afraid of being hurt again or hurting him this time if it ends. Would it even start? Why am I being ridiculous? Of course it would. That's why he wants me to come there in the first place. And he's afraid of long distance. Which....I'm not going to say I get, because I don't, but whatever. Some people can't handle certain things. And we already did the long distance sort of half-relationship thing and it crashed and burned. Why go back to it?

I'm trying to figure out what counts? What is drawing me to him? Butterflies? Giddy smiles when I talk to him? The fact that he GETS me more than any other male species on the face of the planet? He has stability, which probably should be something I care about but I don't, and he's the type of person that I can be all aspects of myself around. Quiet and moody, giddy and childish, adventurous and explorative... all these things.

So is that what counts? What counts? Is there a moral absolute to what counts or matters in a relationship? Or is it what matters to me? It must be what matters to me, because different things matter to different people. But at the same time there are moral absolutes.

He agreed to the compromise of me renting from him for two months...my brain made a leap in intuition just now. Okay. I'll do it.

Sh*t.

I'm going to try. I'll...what do I have to do?

It's almost like, nothing to lose. Don't date while living in his house, but I will be able to save money to move out...and my dad wants to move to Ohio anyway...so it's like a win-win thing. If we are still compatible after two months of being strictly roommates, then I move out and get my own place, work, be independent, and we start to actually date. And I don't really know what happens after that lol.

What's supposed to happen after that? What really happens in a dating relationship? I don't freaking know. My longest official relationship was three months. Kinda pathetic.

So....save money to go to norway, save money to move to ohio, how much do I need for the room, need to make contacts over there, need to research neighborhoods, find out what the market for tutoring and postmates and uber and stuff is like, goal is.....move there by next fall.

WOW.

Okay. Might as well try, right? The failsafe is going to norway before that happens. So.....it's doable.

Okay.

OKAY.

What to do if you feel like talking to him?

But that would be unfair to him....because I'm never going back to him. Would that make him sad? If I called? Would I like it if someone did that to me? Would that be playing with his emotions? He deserves better than that.

I should not call him.

Otherwise I'd be sending mixed signals. I don't mean to do that. Would it be sending mixed signals? He said he didn't call on purpose because he knew I'd never pick up.

The aquarius part of me wants to call just to be unpredictable. But it's not nice to be unpredictable with someone's emotions. I don't want karma to screw me over even more. But I feel like talking to him.

I have to leave for work in 25 minutes anyway. So there's no point, right?

Right.

(I wish I could feel as convinced as I sound)

Am I getting my period soon? Is this hormones? I don't like WANTING to talk to people. It's an unpleasant feeling. Somewhere in the chest region. A sort of craving. I don't like it one bit.

Nope.

NOPE.

NOOOPE.

Body woes

This is bugging me, so I feel like I have to write about it.

I'm skinny.

But I'm also fat.

I know that makes no sense, but hear me out. Ever since my mother died, my appetite has been all out of whack...more like non-existent. I've dropped from 173 lbs to 152 the last time I was weighed, and that happened in about three months. I've lost even more weight since then, and here's the catch. I like being "skinny." My thighs are finally at a size I'm pleased with, and I had practically no gut. The downside? Practically no boobs. I mean, they weren't big to begin with, but now they're so small they barely fill half of my B cup bras. I was so pleased back in the beginning of the year that I finally could fill a B cup. Welp. That's gone.

Anyway, the thing is, with the lack of boobage, my self esteem is kind of plummeting. And also my butt has gotten extremely flat. Size ten jeans that I used to have to squeeze into are falling off of me. I don't have any womanly curves anymore. And that bugs me.

Now to top it off, I'm annoyed with myself that I've been eating unhealthy once I started eating again. Fast food and fast food and fast food. KFC and burgers. And the first place I put on weight is my belly. So now I'm flat chested, flat butted, and big bellified. I might be looking at it out of proportion - I mean, maybe it doesn't look as bad as I think it does, but I'm fed up. The other day a friend of the family bought me lunch (burgers and fries from Checkers, and the meal had the sodium warning on it that it exceeds the daily recommended level) and then dinner (fried chicken wings and french fries) and I mean, that's not my life.

I'm used to eating organic foods and whole grain rice and pasta and vegetables and stuff like that. The last time I went to the doctor for a physical the doctor was extremely impressed with my blood work and commented that it was "excellent." I want to stay that way.

I'm annoyed with myself that I caved in and ate the bad food. Now I'm noticing my stomach getting bigger. I just..........want to be perfect?

I'm being dumb, I know, but at the same time I also want to be healthy.

My dad made a comment a few weeks ago that I looked really thin, and it's been bugging me since then. I don't want to be ugly. I don't want to be grotesquely thin. I'm not....but my clothes are too big for me now and it's weird. I look nineteen instead of twenty seven.

I can't even find the better portion of my clothes since we moved.

I just want to be pretty.

I want to have two shelves over the head of my bed, so that I can put novels and hanging vine plants on them...

And I really hope I find the screw set to assemble my bed and desk soon. :) I'm actually getting excited about my room now...and I got blinds for my window yesterday! And they're fancy. You just touch the bottom and push up, rather than dealing with that pesky string that you used to have to pull.

Anyway.

Yeah.

I miss Cody.

Not okay.

I was standing in the middle of my room, looking around at the photos I've decorated the walls with, and my eyes fell on the one from 2011 where I'm posing with my college mascot. I'm smiling in the photo, but I recall that I was incredibly unhappy at the time.

Why? Because I'd recently made a stupid decision.

And then it struck me: All of the times in my life where I've been unhappy with myself, where I've been terribly depressed and miserable, are times of my own making. They're the result of me making stupid decision after stupid decision. Generally involving the male half of the species.

When there are external circumstances, such as when my mom was ill, I find ways to be happy in the midst of it, because the sadness is not coming from within. It's not me being disappointed in myself and tearing myself apart from the inside.

So....DUH. Stop making stupid decisions. I know enough by now to make smart choices. I know what I should do, and when I really, really probably shouldn't do something, there's a little voice inside of me that tells me that. When I ignore it and go to do it anyway, an escape or distraction will present itself. When I ignore THAT, I suffer the consequences later on.

So from today onward, I'm going to stop with the stupid decisions. Because I know better. Because I'm 27 years old and it's about time I started behaving in a mature manner. Took care of what I need to. All that jazz.

I'm completely equipped. (And I need to stop caring what people think. I will not be rude, or cruel, or stupid, but I will stand up for myself and my worth and my beliefs and my principles and not worry about how it will make someone else uncomfortable. Because I need to be comfortable with myself. And those same people would have no problem letting me know how they feel, or cutting me off if the opportunity or reason presented itself.)

So there.

Off to edit the rest of my video.

It's a Sunday morning, our first in this new home, and I sit cross legged on the mattress that lies pressed up against the wall with the window. Neither my father nor I can find the screws that should put together our bed frames, so for now, this is how it is.

There is a cup of coffee on the floor next to me. It's my official coffee mug; the one I bought as a souvenir when I went with my journalism class to visit Al Jazeera America in the city. The same day the Ukrainian plane blew up.

It's a bittersweet moment. There is comfort in finally being in a home, no longer having to stress and worry about high rent or cruel, uncaring landlords. Yet it's incomplete because my mother isn't here. I realize she's "in a better place," but those words seem like a bandaid - something that people say when they don't understand how to face your pain.

Most days, I'm alright. I'm never truly happy, but neither am I in the depths of despair. It's more of a baseline existence. Something I've noticed is that when a situation presents itself that should cause me to truly laugh, or genuinely smile, or perhaps do my signature hop-skip-I'm-not-ever-growing-up-so-screw-you-I'm-excited jig, I can't. I look down inside myself and the small bottle of joy fizzles out before it ever gets the chance to bubble up.

Being sad forever is definitely not an option. But as long as I continue to live my life, and work to better myself and accomplish my goals, can I be allowed to grieve? It's only been five months. Her birthday is next month. And we haven't even hit the holidays and Christmas yet.

Autumn worries me. This is the first year that I find myself almost dreading it. It's always been such a comfort - the warm mugs of tea, the cool, crisp breeze and the crunching leaves, the decorations that my mother and I would put up together....do you see where I'm going with this?

But autumn hasn't arrived yet. We'll face that hurdle when it comes.

Off to church.

I tried writing this out by hand...

...but for now, my brain is faster than my wrist.

My fingers can keep up.

I went to lunch with Meeks today and she honestly made me see the light where so many others have failed.

I have my big break.

1. My mother is no longer sick. She will never be sick again. She is happy. I don't have to worry about her anymore.

2. We are no longer looking for an apartment and stressing about a landlord that wants us out. We have a place. A perfect place. It's cozy. It's cat-friendly.

3. I'm no longer in a relationship. I'm single. He doesn't value me in the way that I require, and therefore there isn't anything tying me to him. For what? Comfort? What is he giving me? Doing for me? But what am I doing for him? I'm not a child anymore. I need to act like an adult. That's what makes this time around different. I AM WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT.

4. I no longer have to work at the school that stressed me out and caused me so much grief and couldn't pay me on time and told me I couldn't go back to school.

I have a car. I have a place to live. I have my dad. I have a degree, and I'm working on another one. I am self-employed. I have so many more hours in my day to myself now to accomplish everything that I put on hold to do my duty.

And am I going to, as Meeks put it, miss my rainbow because I'm too busy looking at the raindrops? It's all past. I am demanding more of myself. I am demanding that I be strong and stick to my guns. That means a schedule. That means a budget. That means Cody is being cut off again, and Cali is about to get schooled on what I am really worth. Not by me telling him. Oh no. By me showing him.

He's a great guy, sure. He was there for me when it counted. But he is actually flaky. Can't make up your mind about which girl you want? You desperately want your ex who broke up with you but you want to keep me in your back pocket as an option? NOPE. You work with me and promise to give me half of the money we earned and never do? NOPE. (Lesson learned) I sell your friend my turtle tank and it's not important enough to you demand he give you the money because you're the middle man and it's someone else's property sale we're talking about (saw that one coming)...NOPE. You complain that you're unhappy with your life and can't pay your bills yet you're too lazy to go out there and work? So I help you by driving when I realize you have no money for a metrocard? NOPE.

I'm starting to see all the ways in which I'm expending myself, and getting nothing in return but stress.

And Meeks had a point. The moment he gets either his ex back or another girl in his life, he has no use for me anymore. That's not an option. I am not an option.

What am I keeping him around for? Does he make me happy? No. He makes me comfortable. Or rather, he did. Now, when he's texting, even though we're not together, I stress over whether maybe it's some new girl, or if it's his ex texting him.

So. Like I said in my previous post, it's going to hurt, but I'm okay with that. Because I'm done. Time's up. Time to grow up.

Be mature. Be responsible. Do me, for me.

I want my master's by the time I'm 30. To do that, I need to start school full-time next August. To do THAT, I need six thousand dollars for the first semester. To do THAAATTTT....I need a little over $1500 to pay off my outstanding tuition that's been sent to collections.

So, budgeting.

I'm going to do freelance for a little while. However, I am also going to apply to jobs that are in my field because really, it can't hurt. And if I don't, then what were my six years spent in undergrad for? Stress and exhaustion? Bags under my eyes and a practically unshakeable coffee addiction?

I think not.

Monday write novel/nerdystuff
Tuesday write novel
Wednesday 7:30 tutoring   daytime nerdystuff
Thursday Postmates evening/night   daytime nerdystuff
Friday Postmates evening/night
Saturday 12:00/2:00 tutoring  and Postmates
Sunday 1:30 tutoring   and Postmates

Facts. Time to grow up.

I've come to a conclusion

Life hurts.

I've spent a lot of time overthinking and regular thinking and all of that stuff, and I had a conversation with Cody yesterday where he said he thinks he loves me and that I'm the one for him, but we also talked about Jessica and that put some things into perspective for me. When he was with her, he says everyone around him saw that he didn't care for her anywhere nearly as much as he cared for me. That made me see where I stand with Cali. It made perfect sense. And I refuse to be the Jessica.

I'm worth more than that.

And it's a lot to go through the thought process again, but my conclusion is that I need to focus on me. I need to pull back. I'm letting go of Cali, I'm letting go of Cody. Neither one of them is right for me. That's what my gut is telling me. And ironically, two older, Christian women that were helping me pack started talking about marriage and relationships and waiting on God at the exact time where he said he loved me. And then they started talking directly to me about trusting my dad and listening to him...and God, how many times do I have to screw up and say I'm going to go my own way before I realize that my dad is ALWAYS right? He said Cali was going to hurt me, and well, congrats. He did.

But on that note, I'm okay with it. Weirdly..I mean I'm okay with the pain now. At the same time as I'm so tired of the pain and the hurt that I'm letting go. There is too much going on in my life for me to add more to it - the confusion of relationships. It's not going to work out...and really it's up to me to let go. Neither one of them seem to be able to do that, so it's up to me. It's my life. It's my body.

And on THAT note, this is what I meant by being okay with it. With the pain. I have to learn to embrace it and not let it override me. It's going to hurt. It hurts right now. But it's a part of being human, and of shaping me, and these people are going to become scars on me that shape who I am, and that make me more beautiful for it.

So I'm going to focus on getting my life together, because Johanys had the right idea. You can't be happy with someone if you're not happy with your life. You're going to poison them, eventually. You'll drag them down with you. You'll hurt them. She hurt Cali because of that, he hurt me because of that, I hurt Cody because of that (but yet he hurt me first) ...anyway, it's not tit for tat. It's that I'm ready to heal.

That's what it is.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

Why do things have to oscillate back and forth between being okay and being really horrible?

I had a convo with Cali yesterday that started at 6:30 am and lasted on and off till 6:30 pm (via text).

We are not back together. He will "resist all temptation until a decision is made." He is TOTALLY not over his ex, and if she were to pop back up in the picture and want to give it a shot he would "crumble." He does have feelings for me that is more than friendship or physical attraction, and that's why he "can't" just say "let's be friends forever." The reason he initiated stuff on Monday is because he "doesn't feel any different" about me. He thinks he needs to get over her, but he doesn't know how to make himself get over anyone. Even though he went on Tinder, he explained to all the people he met on there his "situation."

This dude does not know what the f*ck he wants.

Dammit, I want my heart back.

Why can't I just scourge myself of him and be free? Why is it that I have the need to be best friends with people before getting into a relationship with them and then the friendship part ends up becoming torture when it doesn't work out? Will I ever meet the person for me? Is there even anyone out there who is actually created for me and meant for me...and just waiting...or maybe going through all the wrong people first as well, and getting hurt?

There's this thing I do when I'm upset. I don't eat. Not on purpose, I just have no appetite, and if I try to put food in my belly when I feel that way I either upchuck it or it doesn't make it past the back of my mouth and I have to spit it out.

But yesterday was the first time I went a full 24 hours without eating or drinking a single thing. AND I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE IT UNTIL 11:00 PM LAST NIGHT. I was lying in bed trying to remember what I'd had for breakfast...okay I rushed out of the house. No breakfast. What about lunch? No...I worked right through lunch and didn't eat or drink anything. Dinner? I got home around 5:30 and went straight upstairs to my room...had a twenty minute convo with my dad and then stayed in my room the rest of the night. I hadn't even had a drop of water.

That should tell you something.

This isn't healthy. Well, when I realized it I went and drank some water. And then later I forced myself to get some soy milk to drink for protein. But I just felt like lying in bed and staying there. I thought to myself: maybe this is how my mom felt shortly before she died.

I just wanted to stay in bed and die. But I didn't want to do that to my dad.

You know when you want to text someone but you have nothing to say? No legitimate reason to contact them, but your entire insides are burning up with the desire to be around them or to just say something...anything to them...to interact with them?

I hate that.

I'm trying very hard to do the distance thing. The space thing. The space shuttle. LOL.

But it's literally a moment by moment battle.

I want my mom so badly. I had a dream last night about her funeral. It was in a place and there were very few people that showed up, and the lights were all off and it was dark. And I asked can someone please turn on the lights, but then we couldn't because we were hiding...and there was a wolf outside that came to attack us.

More happened...but when I woke up I had a feeling like, jeez, I can't believe I dreamt my mother was dead. And I was sitting on the toilet, and I literally went "crap. She is dead."

WHAT THE FUDGE?

How? How is she dead? Dead? Like, dead? Like, not alive, like her body is not here, her spirit is not here, she's not here for me to talk to or hug when I need it and she's freaking dead? That's so...unreal.

You can't trust anyone or lean on anyone, apparently. No one will be there when you need them. Oh sure, they might be there for a little while, but then something will go wrong and you'll end up hurt and alone. There's not even a point to relationships or marriages because of stupid death. Unless you are lucky and die in a freak accident together, one of you will be left behind to grieve.

I need to rewind time. I need my mom not to be sick, I need to never say a word to Cali about how I felt, and I need us not to move to this house because the landlady is the worst person on the planet.

It's not about starting something years ago and it would have worked out better (which is what he said). It's about...I don't know what it's about. It probably would never have worked out for one reason or another.

Why is it so hard to just say, friends forever? I mean, he's holding out because she apparently said to him that maybe in 2-3 years things would change...so...he's no good for any type of serious relationship until what? 4 years have gone by and she hasn't made a move to come back to him? I'm certainly not going to mope around waiting for that...that would be ridiculous. Don't I have more self-respect than that?

Should I have to cut him off completely like I did to Cody? The thought of doing that actually brings tears to my eyes because I don't want to lose the friendship. And honestly, is the friendship more valuable to me than the rest? Let me think about that. I think it must be, because over all the years, even through the crushes that I would have on him I'd still manage to get past it and just be friends. Even recently, after we removed the physical aspect and well, technically broke up, I enjoyed just hanging out with him and talking to him. I almost wish he didn't like me as more than a friend. But I wouldn't want that to be the case, either.

It only makes it a little less painful to know that he's got feelings as well. But they're not strong enough in my direction to overcome what he feels for his ex. That shouldn't be a big deal, right? I mean, they were in a relationship. He fell in love. You don't just "get over" that. I should know....Cody. Took me three years to be semi-okay. Even still, if I think about what he did, I get upset and it hurts, or I wonder if it would work if I were to move out there and give it a shot. But that's pointless, because it doesn't dovetail with what I want to do and accomplish in the rest of my life.

I think Cali hasn't figured that out yet. I don't think his ex is coming back, but I mean, who knows? I don't know her personally. Maybe she would. As my director pointed out when I talked about this to her, females don't come back when they're the ones who ended it...it takes a LOT. But I mean, really. Who knows?

All I know is I ought not to pin my hopes on anything. He's agreed to resist temptation moving forward, (although he doesn't want "space") but space would be best. Even though it hurts. You know, I'm not sure what space will do. It's supposed to help me get over him, sort of detox him out of my system, but right now I can't see past the pain.

All I'm doing is continuing to resist picking up the phone to text him. I also dreamt last night that he called me and managed to somehow turn it around to be my fault...but that was a dream.

It's gotten to the point where literally everyone is telling me to stay away from him, to let him go, to leave him alone, to avoid being alone with him...although they all say not to cut him off completely and destroy the friendship. Except my dad. You know, my dad did warn me. He said, "he's not the one for you, he's going to hurt you."

Why don't I ever listen to him?

You know, I almost feel like I want to say I don't care if his feelings aren't strong enough..I still want to be physical with him. But the thing is, that would make me fall for him more, and while it might do the same for him, oooh, that would be dangerous. I'd be falling into the exact same trap that so many women fall into: thinking the sex will make a guy stay. It never does. Kids don't even make men stay around. It's only when they value the woman as more than a physical object that they stick around. And shoot. I am of more value than just a body to satisfy desires. So that's a big, fat, NO NO.

I asked him yesterday what he even likes about me anyway. He said I'm "quite clever, not super obnoxiously goofy, and certainly fun to be with." I almost said "be WITH or be AROUND," but I didn't...I knew the answer would be "both."

I wonder if I'm slipping into the trap of judging my own worth based on what someone else thinks of me. I can't help it...I have self esteem issues and don't see myself as some great person that's God's gift to the world. (Even though ironically, that's what my middle name means: "God's gracious gift")

When the difficult part of the convo ended yesterday, he said, "It is what it is."  I guess that's all there can be? Like, he can't change his feelings, whether towards his ex or me, and I...well, I can try to change my feelings towards him, but when it comes down to it, how successful have I really been at that over the years? Especially now that sex has been involved. Sigh. So I guess it just is what it is.

Somehow that answer is not enough for me. What is it that I really want right now? Okay. What got me here in the first place? I spent too much time hanging out with him. Three days in a row. Hours on end in a tiny car, cooped up. But then again, when I went over to his house (another mistake, probably) I was perfectly okay and not thinking about anything more than friends. But being around each other so much is kind of what has made me grow fonder, I guess. Back in June, when I forced myself not to spend the weekend with him like I used to when we were dating, that was very effective at healing me.

Okay. Now, if it were Khrys or Nia in this situation, what would I tell them? I would tell them that the guy doesn't even deserve to be friends with them. Never mind the 9 years of friendship under their belts. I would tell them to explain to him exactly how he did them wrong, exactly how he made them feel, and then that they should put some distance between themselves, gradually at least if not cold turkey at first.

See, the thing is, it's okay if you tried to date me and then realized you weren't over your ex. Sh*t happens. You explained it, and you did right by that. We got past it. What's really wrong is that you went back and initiated sex again after the fact, but you knew you weren't ready to recommit. That's the effed up part. That's not how you treat a friend.

I've explained that to him, though. And he said he was sorry.

Does that make it okay? No. But that does make it okay to forgive him. Right? If I'm being the bigger person and all? Or does that just make me a weakling? I don't want to hold bitterness in my heart against anyone...not even the awful landlady.

I think the only thing that would make this better for me is if he hadn't been so caught up over his ex anymore. That's what hurts. The fact that I'm not enough for him. But one day maybe I'll be enough for someone else...

Yeah. You know when you have the epiphany that makes the hurt a little less and that's how you know you've hit the root of the issue? That just happened.

It's me not feeling like I'm enough. Like I'm not good enough, or smart enough, or pretty enough, or whatever enough, to capture his affections strongly enough...to pull him away from her. BUT. He was in love. Clearly he has not had enough experience with that to realize how long that takes to get over. I guess he was just looking for ways to get laid by going on Tinder in the meanwhile. And then I popped up and it's like oh, I've liked her for years, I like her more than the girl I'm currently taking on dates on Tinder, I'll call it off with this girl and say there's someone else.

But still. No one will fill the void in his heart.

Whatever.

That's how our f*cked up life on this planet goes. As for me, I'm not looking for anyone else (even though Nia said I should free myself up to do that) but it's not that I don't realize I am free to do that...it's that I don't want to because I don't have my heart back yet.

When did he take it?

Never mind. I know exactly when.

I need to stop typing now and go try to get ready for work.

Four times.

That's how many times I did it yesterday. Four.

I'm sore in places I had forgotten existed.

TMI, I know. Sorry. But how do you resist when you don't want to resist? When something you had convinced yourself would never happen again actually happens?

Yesterday was completely, totally, entirely out of whack with the way I had my day planned. The only thing on my to-do list that I actually accomplished was getting the rental application at about 9:30 a.m.  After that, my hopes for renting an apartment got crushed, I got caught by a speed camera, and I didn't go do Postmates and spent the day at Cali's house and playing Pokemon. Besides doing other unmentionable things. Multiple times.

I don't know how to explain how I feel. I'm sort of confused. It went from me finally coming to terms with the "just best friends" thing, to starting to feel like I couldn't handle the just best friends thing, to thinking he had a date and I had been properly friend-zoned, to being taken to the very place I thought he had a date at to get dinner, to him suddenly grabbing my butt like he used to while I was taking a nap on his bed.

Like...what? My feelings went in a 360 degree spin at that moment. I didn't say anything. I was too shocked. I didn't know if it was a random silly thing just to be stupid or....WHAT.

Anyway. Fast forward a bit. After we finished the first time we had a mini talk. Basically, he's come to the conclusion that there's always going to be "a part of his soul that he will never get back," and he just has to learn to live with that. And he got tired of "resisting me"...and didn't want to anymore.

Now, all that should be good news.

Except, that's not enough for me. I don't want to go on not knowing what's really going on between us. Are we back together? I don't want to just be f*ck buddies. He said that he didn't want to just use me for the physical aspect when he was feeling so emotionally conflicted. I guess my worry now is...okay, wait. See, before, I thought that the only thing you needed was someone to be your best friend, to hang out with you and be all buddy buddy, and someone you could relax with, and someone you had great physical chemistry with. I thought that was it. But now I'm realizing there's an emotional aspect too, (I guess maybe that's what they call love or romance) that needs to be there as well, and I don't know if that's there for him.

He's not a very cuddly person. At least not most of the time. Sigh. If I'm being honest, neither am I. I might want it, badly, but I won't initiate it. Because it's scary, and involves feelings. ANYWAY, my point that I'm trying to make to myself is this. I don't know how emotionally invested he is in me, and that's what's making me want to draw a line. I'm not trying to force him into some sort of a sappy confession, goodness no, because that would scare the crap out of me and I would run away, lol. I think I'm just looking for confirmation that he's back in it for the long haul and not just unable to resist my sex appeal (insert fancy winky face here).

Yeah. That's what I've been trying to sort out in my thoughts. Damn, my thighs are sore.

You know what I hate the most? Uncertainty.

I could be lazy and say I hate change, but that's not the root of it. I hate the uncertainty that comes with it. The lack of control. The anticipation that's not fun, it's nerve-wracking.

I don't like packing because I don't know where we're moving to, yet we have to be out in one week. I don't know what I'm going to do with my cats, but I don't want to give them up. Maybe there is a foster home that could take them for a while...but everything gets so much more complicated when one of them has behavioral issues.

I don't like the fact that we're moving without my mom...freaking awfulness. I don't like the strange in-between stage that it feels like I'm in with Cali...no answers. The only answer is basically he doesn't know either.

And I'm spending much too much time with him for my own good. I can't see this ending in a good way for either one of us. Because neither one can heal or focus....yes, there's a best friend thing, but I don't even hang out that much with Khrys. Or Nia. So...why should I be in his face like every day? Cooped up in a car with him for hours on end? It's like being married without the physical aspects. Which is its own type of torture.

It was almost easier when I thought he didn't have any feelings for me anymore. Now that I know that's not the case...it just...complicates things. Because it puts thoughts in my head that I spent over a month and a half trying to get rid of. And I was pretty successful at it...but honestly, the only way I managed to do that was by NOT hanging out with him as much. It feels like there's a cord connecting us, and I have feelings in my chest again and that's a problem.

He says he still feels the same about me, but...does that matter? Isn't that torture?

And yet I'm still going to go out there again today.

Why?

this is just going to be a ramble

Today started out sort of crappy. Actually, I have a headache right now.

I think I did too much yesterday, woke up too early today, had too much nonsense go on at work (too much to do in too little time, and got chewed out by more than one ruffled coworker who was upset about their check...the latter of which actually showed up at my house. At least she didn't really make a scene.)

I was just so through today. So annoyed. So tired. I'm really tired right now. But I'm going to head out and help Cali do some Uber. Cause that's what friends are for. Oh, I also ran into Betsy today...and she's showing! She should be about 5 months along now, I think. Goodness. She's having a baby. I can't comprehend it.

Well...whenever my dad comes home with the rental car. My car has been in the shop for a week now; transmission troubles. It'll be so good to get mine back tomorrow.

It's funny the things you notice about people sometimes. The laugh lines around their eyes. The suntan on their forearms. The stubble on their chin. The way their nose is just a little bit crooked, but it works for their face. I notice all these things about people as I pass by them, or sit across from them on the train. All these small parts that make up the collective whole: the person.

I want to put all of that into my book.

I want to capture all of that in my photography. Maybe I'll turn to black and white photography for a little while. You always capture the soul of the person in black and white.

I want to create.

You know what sucks? The fact that I'm 27 years old and can't even provide for myself. I mean, I could have, I guess. Before my job got all unreliable and crappy. Because I was doing that and the tutoring and postmates. But honestly, right now if somehow I were to not have my dad to depend on, I could not pay rent. Not even for a room. What would I do with all the stuff we have?

That's unacceptable. And I don't know if it's worth it to go back to school. Maybe I should save up to do one semester at a time. The program is only four semesters, anyway, I think. Three semesters and a summer? No. A fall, a spring, and a summer? Or is it five semesters? I forget.

How much would I need? Could I go full time and not work? That would require me having enough money saved up for the tuition, food, bills....I can always do tutoring on the side, and postmates on the days when I'm not in class.

So full-time graduate tuition is $6,205.50 for one semester.

I can make about $560 a month with three students.

Maybe I'll make a few natural hair videos.

Hmm. Eia Jorlene - natural hair ...hm.

Lets try protective styles.

I do two-strand twists (styles with this include high bun, professional bun, um...)

braids - into high bun

french braids down the sides

Or maybe how I wash my hair? Nah. But more like how I style my hair for a braid out. Cause I heart braid outs in the summertime...but I am so lazy right now. It's hot. You know what's funny? I have videos that I've recorded...I should probably edit them.

Meh. That's a lot of work. It'll give me something to do with my time besides pack and read and draw, though, so maybe I should do it. I guess I'll do the aquarius video. Not now, though. I'm hot and tired.

me.

I'm trying to figure out me.

I know that figuring myself out won't change who I am...because that's just me. Whether I know/understand it or not. But....still. It helps to have a handle on things.

Things that I really love to do:
Write
Read about writing
Read in general (although I haven't found any good books lately)
Draw
Photography

That about sums it up.

I like science (specifically biology or space-related topics) and I kind of think that is all there is about me. In regards to what I would like to do with my life. I want to be a writer. Funny how when I was younger I never saw that coming. Even though I used to write all the time, and draw all the time, I only knew about careers like doctors, lawyers, and nurses. Oh, and pilots. I wanted to be a pilot for a little while, too.

I've recently decided that I'd like to learn how to fly a plane..after all. It's never too late.

So now that my schedule is a lot more free (only working 3 days a week because of the fire at my job) I should be able to incorporate more time for writing.

Mondays: Write.
Tuesdays: Work/Write/Postmates
Wednesdays: Work/Tutoring
Thursdays: Work/Write/Postmates
Fridays: Write/Postmates
Saturdays: Tutoring
Sundays: Postmates

I should set a word count goal or something like that. Maybe I can start with 500 words. How much even is that?

Okay. I just googled it and found out that 500 words is one page, single spaced. That's nothing! An average productive writing session gives me at the very least two pages, if not more. So let's set the goal for 1000.

I sometimes wonder if I should import my work into Scrivener. I mean, that's what I bought it for. (heads off to go start tinkering with Scrivener)

I told my dad about my tattoos.

Probably the only thing that could have been scarier than that would be if I were to have gotten pregnant and had to tell him that.

But he didn't freak out. He remained calm. He said he wasn't upset, he was disappointed. He asked how many. He asked where. He asked who influenced me. He said I have a demon (lol) (okay, maybe not lol, but I need to remain sane). And then he changed the topic. He tried to figure out changes that he'd seen in me since I got the first one. He said God had shown him and that he was going to talk to me about it this week.

Well, hey.

I'd like for my business to be my business.

But I'm not going to go down that path now.

He still hasn't seen them. I'm a little uncomfortable with that idea.

Anyway.

Laters.

These are the facts:

1. I liked him.
2. I told him.
3. After much convo, he kissed me.
4. After more convo, he asked me to be his girlfriend
5. I said yes.
6. The relationship lasted a little over two months.
7. During that time, we had sex.
8. He broke up because he still had feelings for his ex.
9. He said he wanted to be best friends again.
10. That would require things going back to the way they were before any of this happened.
11. Before any of this happened, we would only talk every few months, via text. Maybe on facetime, but rarely.
12. We are "just friends" now. That means that he no longer owes me anything. He gave me what he owed me, which was a thorough and justifiable explanation.
13. The breakup cannot be undone.
14. It is legal for him to get another girlfriend once he feels better because we are no longer in a relationship.
15. He does not owe me a text.
16. I do not owe him a text.
17. It was TOO early for a relationship, for the both of us.
18. The relationship ended in the best way possible, under the circumstances. (Early enough to avoid even more trauma, and with a clean break/closure/the decision to remain friends.)
19. It was not my fault.
20. There was nothing I could have done better or differently that would have made it last.
21. I didn't end it.
22. It is legal for me to talk to other people with the intent of entering a relationship.
23. I don't owe him anything ( no matter what it feels like).
24. I rely on people too much. I will stop going to others for support and/or help.
25. I will become self-sufficient, and self-reliant.
26. I am beautiful.
27. I do not need to be in a relationship to feel validated.
28. My feelings are valid.
29. Just because everything was "done right," and "should be" a certain way, doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.
30. It does hurt, because I liked him a lot.
31. It's okay for me to acknowledge that a big part of the pain in my chest is a result of knowing that I'm no longer in a "more-than-friends" relationship with him.
32. There is NO future with him.
33. Because it's over.
34. I do want a future with him as more than a friend. It's okay to acknowledge that, too.
35. Now that I've acknowledged that, IT WILL NOT HAPPEN.
36. It's not up to me to "make a move" or anything like that. I did my part, and did my BEST, and it didn't work out.
37. On that note, I DID MY BEST. I did all I could, all I knew how, and it still ended. Too bad.
38. Nothing can change the fact that it ended.
39. I miss when things were uncomplicated between us and we were truly just friends.
40. In order to get back to that, I NEED SPACE.
41. He is a person who ALSO NEEDS SPACE.
42. It used to be okay not to hear from him for a month or two or three or six or ten.
43. In order to go back to "just friends," we have to not text/speak for a long period of time, and I have to be okay with it.
44. That WILL TAKE TIME.
45. It has only been sixteen days since the breakup. That's just over two weeks. Everything takes time. Getting over Cody took 3 years, and that was from a 7-month long semi-relationship sans sex.
46. It hurts, but I will be okay.
47. I will not text him every day, because, who does that? Certainly not people who are not in relationships. That's weird.
48. I will get over my feelings for him IN TIME. And in the meanwhile, I will be OKAY.

thought blurbs

I woke up in a really crappy mood today. Heart racing, palms sweating...okay. Not the sweaty palms, but definitely the heart racing and an upset stomach. I was in a silent mood today. And then to make it worse, like six different people texted me all asking how I'm feeling.

I'm feeling like I don't want to talk to anybody, that's how I'm feeling.

I think I just need to get myself together and be productive. But there's immediate stuff that requires my attention. Like this stupid audit at work. And the slideshow for the graduating students. And the fact that we have to move, so, apartment hunting. Everything's a bloody scam nowadays.

I just want to be a writer in an apartment with maybe a roommate. So that the rent is cheaper. But it seems like no one is serious about moving, and then you have the issue that the people who are serious about it have pets, or the fact that my dad shouldn't have to be alone.

Will I always feel responsible for my parents? Will I never live my own life?

Can't I just do whatever the heck I want and not think about the consequences or what my family will think of me?

In a way, I do that anyway. But I'm also trying to be smart about it. Then I had to go get the stupid tattoo on my shoulder...which I'm going to tell my dad about. But not yet.

I just want to feel relaxed, happy and not broken.

You know what's an issue for me? The fact that I want kids and a family, I feel bad when I see other people my age or younger starting theirs.  But then if I think about it, I still want to travel the world, and it's a heck of a lot harder to do that if you're a mom.

Also, my coworker picks this time to leave her crying baby next to me to remind me of another reason I don't want kids just yet. What happens, though, is that thoughts keep coming into my mind of impossible futures.

It's so crazy. You have to live in the present, but work towards the future. I think I need to pour all my feelings into writing my story.

Maybe that will be my way to heal.

Percentages and purposes

I am ninety-six, almost ninety-seven percent better when it comes to Calvin. I can deal. It had gotten to the point where I couldn't deal, and so I hit the switch. You know the one. The emotional "off" switch. It took a lot of crying and a lot of panic feelings when I'd see a text pop up with his name on it, and a lot of worse panic and overthinking during those in between times when he didn't text. Finally, I decided I couldn't take it anymore and I forced myself to figure out what was bothering me. I was projecting his emotions onto myself. I was worrying that he would decide he was in too much emotional pain and that he would decide he could no longer talk to me. And lest it become that stupid thing that society calls "self-fulfilling prophecy," I forced myself to remember when my mother was writhing in pain and I had to feed her. I had to shut off my emotions at that time or else I would have been no good to her; I would have been a useless wreck on the floor.

God. Those times when I wanted to hug her but couldn't because to hold her would have been to cause her more pain. All I could do was stare.

I'm horrible.

So I channelled the horribleness and remembered the feeling of shutting of my filter..of putting up the blockage in my chest and numbing the feelings. Of becoming an observer, of standing by while others suffer and doing nothing.

When there's nothing you can do.

So that's how I've managed to become 96 percent okay. That's up from sixty something a few days ago, so...that's a lot of progress.

I keep telling myself "it doesn't matter." It doesn't matter if he texts me or not. It doesn't matter what he's doing with his day. If he's in emotional pain, that sucks, but it's not my fault. (It feels like it is, but it's NOT.) He will eventually learn to deal, and since then, we've had running conversations through the day. I keep telling myself that he's a thinker, like me. He spent several days thinking over everything, and came to the conclusion that we were better off as friends, because he couldn't handle the emotions. Okay. That was a well thought out, conscious decision. So if he was in so much turmoil that he couldn't handle talking to me, he'd have stopped and/or said so by now.

That's my logic.

So in the meanwhile, I'm not going to suggest or ask anything lest it put ideas in his head, and then he really would stop talking to me, which I don't think I could handle (although I tell myself that "it doesn't matter.") Nothing matters.

Yeah. Try telling yourself that when you pop your head into your parents' bedroom to ask your dad what he wants to do for Father's Day tomorrow, and you find him on his knees weeping, surronded by my mother's belongings.

He's the only reason I wouldn't commit suicide. He doesn't deserve to have to lose his wife, his father, and then his daughter as well. He doesn't deserve to have to pack up and sort out the pieces of life that his partner for life left behind, and then do the same with his daughter's things...all alone.

So I'll stick around, for him. For Dad. Happy Father's Day.

In the meanwhile...since I've managed to come to grips with the stupid break up thing, it's left a leaky hole for all the Mom feelings to come rushing out.

And they fucking suck.

All I can do is draw and write. I weigh 154 lbs, which is down from 173 just over 2 months ago. It's less than I weighed in high school. And I still can't eat.

I'm sorry I cursed.

I'm not sorry I had sex.

What the fuck is going on in my life anymore? It's best not to care about anyone. I will only care about my dad because he's my dad and he needs me. But there is no point to ever fall in love, because that person will die and leave you. There is no point to ever having kids, because you will die and leave them.

Whoever said that pain and scars are the most beautiful part of being human....was an idiot.

But I do believe that if I am to survive and continue that I need to embrace everyone and everything that has ever happened to me. Everyone has helped to shape me into who I am. I can try to erase people from my existence...from my memory...or to say that this or that doesn't matter, but it's not true. There's been a connection with everyone I've ever met, be it positive or negative. Even if it's someone I just walked past on the street, we were a part of each other's lives that day.

And we are, truly, the sum of all our experiences as perceived through our mental filter.

So there.

You're all attached to me. I'm not sure if I like that.

I'm getting better

I must be. I think I am. I have to be.

Monday evening when I got home from work I went and lay on my bedroom floor until it got dark. I didn't say anything, didn't move...but I had a playlist on youtube going on my phone of doddleoddle and her music.

As I lay there, I thought about what it would probably look like if someone walked in and saw me like that, lying amidst a pile of laundry bags, unmoving and unmovable. It would probably look like I was sinking into a dark hole of depression, like there was something terribly wrong with me.

But it was my way of digging myself out of the hole. It's like I said. She sits on the floor because there's nowhere lower or more solid for the hard days.

And sometimes, when sitting isn't enough, she lies down.

It's been a week...seven days...since the breakup, and what I tell myself is "look how much better you're doing already. It's only been a week, and look how okay you are." It feels like it's been a month since that happened...but I've hung out with him twice since then. At least it's not awkward anymore. The first time was quite awkward indeed...at least for the first half hour or so. The second time, we went out to do Postmates and it was okay. At the end of that evening, though, I realized that we both need space. I could recognize certain signs in him that I give off when I need space. And I had started feeling that way too.

So space there is. I'm not going to seek him out again. I need to get back to doing things on my own. That was how I functioned best. (I mean, we still text). But being alone is my M.O., and I clearly don't do well by being around people all the time. It causes me to become dependent on them, and then I lose the ability to function properly without them. It mustn't happen again.

I have to start having things happen in my life without him, or other people around.

I'm going to be okay, and everything is going to go back to normal.

The only thing is I feel like it's my fault that it went wrong.... like, (hear me out now) I shouldn't have said anything about how I felt, because it started the whole thing (that was nice while it lasted) but then I mentioned something about a diner, and it reminded him about her...and then something about the best burger place...and just...maybe it would have been better if I had never said anything, because now he's depressed on top of all the things he's dissatisfied with in his life. I don't want him to be unhappy, and it feels like if I had never said anything then he would have been happily going on dates with that girl he met on Tinder, (even though he kept telling me how she wasn't "wow-ing" him) and yeah, maybe he would have gotten in another relationship and realized he wasn't ready and it all would have ended up the same way, but I still feel like it's my fault that he's hurting...and that he's going to realize it and decide not to talk to me anymore.

And I thought about trying to cut him out, at least for a little while, but the only thing that's stopping me from doing that is (not the fact that he explicitly asked me not to) that when I think about that, that hurts worse than talking to him actually does.

Although today when I think about it, maybe it's not so bad. We're just both in such effed up mental states right now. I guess I just need to let it go. Does having sex with someone imply that you're connected? Nope. It doesn't have to. But what if you were best friends first? Nope. Because for guys it's never the same. So it doesn't matter.

What would he see in me to want to stick around? What do I see in him? I dunno. I think he's cool. I like him. Maybe he just thinks I'm cool too.

I wish I could just have it go back to a hundred percent normal, but that's going to probably take more than a week, and well, I just want us not to be sad anymore.

choosing joy

I've just come from an internet research binge on grief and what causes it...biologically (makes so much more sense now)...

The reason I dislike feelings is I can't quantify them. I don't know what causes them, and as a result, I don't know how to deal with them. I can't control them. If you don't understand something, you can't make it work for you or do what you want.

But the article I found (which I'll link here) https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-theater-the-brain/201401/grief-death-loved-one-is-part-life explains that the brain learns behaviors, which then become a part of it - neuronal connections and everything. Just like if you're learning to play a chord on the guitar, at first it's hard, you can't figure out how to place your fingers, and there is physical pain involved until you master the skill. Then if you want to learn a different hand position for the same chord, you now have to un-learn the first one. You must purposely NOT hold the chord like that, and there will be more physical pain involved until you learn to hold the chord the new way.

It's the same thing with grief. You learned, your whole life (in my case) to have a mother or loved one. Then, suddenly, you must learn to function without her. Everything is different. And it hurts, until you get used to performing these daily tasks without her.

And another article showed me that just like it is a conscious effort to learn to hold the chord a different way, it will have to be a conscious effort to think happy thoughts and remember good times rather than bad ones.

I remember when I was struggling with my mom being in the hospital and getting chemotherapy that I used to sit on the train and write lists in my phone...lists of good things that had happened that day. (God, I want to hug her and tell her it's going to be okay) So I'm going to try to do that again.

Good things today:
I found out that soon, payroll is not going to be one of my responsibilities at work anymore.
I had a nice cup of tea.
It's a good hair day.
I remembered to return the library book, and only a day late.
I feel marginally better in my chest. The hole is not as raw.
I found out how grief works.
Nia came and spent the evening with me yesterday so I wasn't alone.
People are inviting me places, even though I don't want to go, but it's the thought that counts.
I still have my daddy.
I still have my best friends.
It's Friday today.
I only have to do one tutoring session tomorrow.
I found someone to take both River and Satchel.
I found a strand of my mother's hair this morning in the bathroom...on the sink...which is interesting because the sink has been cleaned several times in the last three months.
My mother loves me and will never stop.

How am I supposed to survive this?

I want my mommy. I miss her so badly. I can't stand the pain...it's in my chest, an aching, gnawing feeling. It's like my chest has teeth, and a raw gaping hole...a void, and it's dark in there.

How do I find my way out?

I WANT HER BACK. My God, how do people deal with grief? It's not even that my heart hurts...it's more like I have no heart. Like there's an empty, cavernous space where it used to be, and it HURTS.

I wish I could do like in the show Once Upon A Time and remove my heart so the pain would be less. Is this how she felt when she lost her mom? But she had my dad and me to distract her. But honestly, it must have been horrible. Because when she was growing up, it was just her and her mom, and then she couldn't even be there for the funeral or anything. How did she manage to take care of me? Did she cry? That probably explains why she lashed out at my brother...she didn't know how to deal.

If this whole thing is really true, really the case, that because of sin we have to die...then my goodness, WHY did Eve have to eat the apple? Why do we have to fall for Satan's tricks? We're all so stupid and gullible and nobody can ever get it right.

I need my mother. I need her very much. I wasn't ready to be an adult and live my life with her absent. Yes, I may have wanted to move out, but there's a condition that goes along with that: the opportunity to visit her, to see her, to talk to her, to have her give me tips on raising her grandkids and all that jazz. I was so "good" when she was around. It seems I've done nothing but what's considered "wrong" by Christians since she's been gone.

I'm not even worthy of getting her back. I don't deserve it. But it's like, if I could have her back for a day, not a day where she's sick, but a day where she's perfectly healthy and okay, and we can go out for a meal and talk and hug and she could tell me she's okay and that I will be okay, and that she will see me again...then I think I could deal with it. The pain might be worse at first, but I would have that to hold on to.

Like in the movie AI, where the little robot boy brought his mom back for an hour. Or maybe a day. I don't remember.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Not even Hitler. Nobody should have to feel the pain of losing their mommy.

I'm trying not to, but I'm starting to feel like there's something wrong with me. Like, why can't my relationships last? It couldn't possibly be to save me from heartbreak...because I wasn't even IN an official relationship with Cody and even though our "more-than-friends" phase lasted 7 months, it tore me apart when it ended.

I don't want to be needy; I hate the idea of needing people. But I'm very needy and feeling broken at this present time. There's an aching, burning hole in my chest. That shouldn't be there. I keep telling myself I haven't lost anything.

You know, I guess it's time I put it out in the open. I got warnings. I got a warning from a complete stranger, the owner of the flower shop that did the flowers for my mom's funeral, that same evening that I walked all the way to his house and ended up telling him how I felt. She said to me, "It's not you, it's them. Don't settle." Basically she was telling me how I'm different and on another level than everyone around me, and that there's nothing wrong with me, and how I'll find the right person some day. It felt like a warning, especially as I knew what was in my mind.

And then my dad trying to tell me that there was no point, and that he's going to hurt me. But what's so weird about that is that in a way, he hasn't hurt me. Because he did everything the way he was supposed to, and yes, I'm hurt, but like, it's supposed to be okay.

I just hope I haven't ruined our friendship. Anyway, it's only been a few days and he's been feeling pretty crappy the whole week, too. So I guess time heals all...loads of time...

Nia says I should have waited because I was probably filling an emotional void...which I guess makes sense because now that the "stopper" is gone all the suppressed pain is flooding through. That must be why I'm all of a sudden so torn up about my mom again. Whereas I thought I was doing pretty okay.

I wonder if we would ever try again. I shouldn't think about that now. Maybe we got out for a reason.

I did say that God would have things work out the way they should one way or another...

All I know is I would go back in a heartbeat, which is probably a problem.

dependency

I write when I'm full. When I'm full of some sort of emotion, I write. Because I try to sort things out in my head, but that takes too long and I get distracted. I need something to be concrete, to be able to go back over it and revise it and thus revise my thoughts.

I've been far too dependent on people for too long. It was getting to be dangerous.

My thought earlier this morning, as I lay in bed crying my eyes out and calling out for my mamma, was "Why do I keep breaking?"

It's because I keep leaning on people. Back when my mom first got sick, I chose to lean on Cody, and he pulled away and I fell and broke. Now, after my mom's passing (I don't like that word but I can't bring myself to write "death" next to a pronoun that describes her), I've allowed myself to lean on other people. My dad. Calvin. Khrys. Coworkers. Random strangers who claim to know what I'm going through.

I don't want to need people. I need to get back to that mentality, of surviving on my own. Because in the end, I'm the only person that I will truly live with for my entire life, and therefore, I am on my own. And by the way, leaning on God feels like it doesn't work, because 1. I can't see him, 2. I can't feel him, and 3. he took my mom. So he and i have some figuring out to do.

I know I asked him to take her in the end, but only because she had gotten to the point where being alive was worse than being dead. That's fcked up.

Anyway. So I need to not need people. I've got to build my walls back up, because I mean honestly, it's exhausting to tear down walls and build them up again but it's better than leaving them down.

And I'm so frustrated by the fact that I'm sad. I didn't lose anything (in regards to the breakup). I don't regret being physical - that was a choice, a two-sided choice. Is it that I'm afraid that he won't be able to handle being around me afterwards? Maybe. That is bugging me a little bit. I'm afraid that it's  not going to be as simple as "we put intimacy in, we took it back out." On paper, everything should be that clean, but I'm starting to realize that life is never that simple. If, as he said, his feelings toward me haven't changed...well Nia said that means that there's nothing wrong with me, it's him, and that there must be something "right" with me in order for him to still feel whatever toward me. Of course me, going and over-analyzing everything, is now using that against myself to say what if what happened with me and Cody happens with him...the whole "I thought we could be friends but I really can't handle it" thing? THAT WOULD SUCK IMMENSELY. But he said back when we first started talking as more than just friends that his biggest reason for not pursuing a relationship with me in the past was that he didn't want to risk losing me.

So. That means he must want to keep me around. And he asked me not to cut him off. So. Look man...you can never know anything for sure. You can only know your part, and if life screws you over then well hey. You survive until you don't.

Jeez. I know I told him I'd be doing a lot of writing but this sure is a LOT of writing. On the other hand, I know I'd never send him the link to any of these posts, so that means a few walls are still up, which is a very good thing. I'm  not completely broken.

I learned something from my failed relationship with Cody. You can't try to change a person to fit what you want them to be. You have to accept them for who they are, the bits you like about them and the bits you don't. You just have to decide whether the bits you don't are worth sticking around in spite of, and if they're not, you don't try to change the person, you go and find someone whose bad bits aren't on your list of deal-breakers.  

I get it.

I've figured it out. I know what's eating at me about the breakup. I don't have a mommy to hug. My daddy isn't a hugger. When I need hugs, he was the only person I could go to. That's not really an option any more. That's what the problem is.

But it's okay. Only babies die from lack of hugs.

I won't.

What is it about people?

What is it about people? What is it about me?

I'm so fascinated by the way people interact. How they relate to one another. Especially when they're good friends, or family members.

What causes people to get along? At the bottom of it, we're all just globs of neurons and cells and chemical reactions walking around, so what makes one set of chemical reactions decide to want to be around another set?

Or is it this thing called the soul? It's real, it has to be, because a body can't be sustained and truly what we call "alive" without it. And that seems to be what connects inside of people. You find a kindred soul, and you want to keep them around. And it's not just because you like the same music or shop at the same stores...it's the quirks and the eccentricities that you share...or maybe even that you find fascinating in the other person. Or somehow you just...get each other. But what causes that? How do you "get" the other person? Why is that so hard to figure out?

If we did understand it, would it take the magic away?

I can look at another person and try to dissect what I like about them because, hey...that's what I do. Take my best friend Khrys for example. I love how creative she is...the way she can put a brush to a canvas and transform nothingness into beauty. I love how blunt she is...if she feels a certain way, she's not afraid to let you know. She's into weird science facts and dark poetry and coffee...and she loves to read maybe even more than I do. But beyond all that...she's like my better half somehow. And I wish I could describe her without using that cliche, but I don't think it's possible. Maybe that's why cliche's were invented. She understands me, and understands what I mean when I write between the lines. She (for some weird, unknown reason) accepts me for who I am and can deal with my long absences and mood swings. She's probably the only person I tell everything to, and without hesitation.

Heck. She's the only person I don't mind reading this blog.

Yet still...what is it that connects us? Literally? How does a soul work? Where do souls come from? Does God have a storage room, with little compartments and when it's time for a new person to be born, he carefully selects the perfect soul to go with that body and sends it down with a kiss? Or do we all sort of pop out of his body like little pieces of him all the time, each time a person is born? Or does he create each one anew? He'd be very busy, then.

And then I take this whole thought process, and turn it internally. What do people like about me? I look at myself as a fickle, unreliable person who's a tad strange, not all that pretty, and really bad at holding a conversation unless I'm in a conversational mood (which isn't all that often) and as a result I must be pretty boring. I know that there are certain people that I like to be around just for the sake of their presence...but I fail to see how anyone could apply that to me. How do they put up with my extended hiatuses and forgetting to reply to their texts and canceling plans and long, pensive silences and still enjoy having me around? To the point that they would actually request that I not cut them out of my life? (And now we come to the meat of the issue). What could someone see in me to want to be my friend, and to want to keep me around? What does anyone see in me?

I start a lot of projects, and then don't finish them. I get a lot of ideas, and then don't carry them out. But I'm trying, and maybe there are other people in the world like me, (like-minded, maybe that's the thing) that can understand that and want to be around someone who understands them in turn? Someone who won't judge them for their flaws, someone who might actually see their flaws as beautiful or just a part of what makes them, THEM?

I wish I knew what binds souls together. As friends. Because it's more than chemical reactions and facts. It's something strange...and incomprehensible. And a little bit magical.

So it's okay

I think it's okay. It's over, but we're not over. This is the one time where I truly, honestly think that I can go on being friends with someone after an attempt at something more. It's kind of like, it was eating at me, and if I didn't try, I'd have felt abandoned if/once he got together with someone else. Because it would have happened eventually. And then again, maybe he and I would have happened eventually. And we happened. And it was good. But reasons come along, and I guess feelings are really a valid thing that ought to be respected. I get his standpoint. It's completely valid, and I appreciate the fact that he TOLD ME about it before it got out of hand or before either one of us would have gotten hurt on account of the other person.

I saw it coming, anyway. I questioned "our relationship" and turned it over and over in my head to examine it from every which possible way. And I don't know if we could have been good together or not, in the long run, but we are definitely great together as friends. And he doesn't want to lose that.

Lol. He specifically addressed that, because he said that he knows I have a policy of never speaking to my exes again and cutting them off completely. And he specifically asked me to not do that in our case. (can I insert a smiley face here? Because if I'm being honest it's nice to know that you mean that much to a human that they'd rather not lose you). But for one, he doesn't feel like an ex. Even looking at him while he was talking and trying to put that label on him...it didn't feel right. Exes imply a failed relationship. Ours didn't fail...it just wasn't the right time, not yet for him, and me? Well I was scared the whole way through.

But nothing actually went wrong...

What I find, however, is that I found someone for whom I was willing to put out an effort and go the extra mile. I didn't know I had that in me, and it's a good thing to know. Now when I look at him, (sigh) there are feelings there. And I guess those will probably be there for a while. A little bit longer than they usually last before I can get over them, because of the level of physical intimacy that was reached, and apparently that has some sort of an effect on women. Blah. Screw that. I don't know if that's true or not.

But it's good that even when we were officially a couple, we could be totally platonic, not all lovey dovey. It's not in my nature to be lovey dovey anyway. And I don't know if it's how he relates to me specifically, but it doesn't seem to be in his to be all lovey dovey all the time either. He'd do a sweet thing every now and again, or become cuddly, but not all the time like some people.

I guess the thing that I will miss most is the option to cuddle. I liked knowing that that option was there, even though I rarely made use of it.

After we had that conversation it sort of segued into a really long conversation about people's perception of hell and movies and video games that depict it...and it was just...him. Like he ceased to be Calvin, the boyfriend, or Calvin, the best friend, and it was just a great conversation again like the ones we used to have. I sort of got immersed in it. And I'd missed that, like, a lot.

In a way, I think I might prefer us as best friends. Because with that, there are no obligations, and nothing has to have extra meaning or be dissected and....God, I missed that. I almost feel like crying, but not out of sadness or loss, but from like, relief and catharsis.

And I like the best friend status. In my mind, that's the highest elevation a female can attain in a male's world, besides being the long-term girlfriend or wife. Once that person comes into play, naturally the best friend should take a backseat, if not disappear forever (depending on how the wife/girlfriend feels about it) and I get that, but...if you're the best friend, you're the one he comes to when he's having issues, and you get to help him sort them out. And that's what I want to be able to do. Without judgment or anything at stake. I liked being the one that he would text with updates on how his date went. Even though that was what finally led me to let him know how I felt...well, that wasn't exactly it. It was that night at Richard's house where he was unbearably "normal" with me. Once I waited for my PMS symptoms to pass, I realized I had to say something or else it was going to eat at me until I couldn't stand it anymore.

That, and a dozen conversations and both-sided confessions later, led to our relationship. Which, he now realizes, is too soon for him after his last breakup, which broke his heart. I was there for that, and I saw how it tore him up, so I get it. I might not like it, because there's that part of me that's like, but I want to be able to cuddle...I want the physical benefits that go along with being a couple, and I was starting to like him more and more. But....here goes my clinical, logical side kicking in...I GET it. Maybe if I hadn't seen how much his last relationship affected him I wouldn't be so understanding, but then that's the benefit of being best friends. You understand the person, and you understand where they're coming from, and why they need to do what they need to do.

So you know, all in all, I think we're going to be okay.

It's gonna suck sometimes on my part, but I'm willing to get through that because what we had before is stronger than what we were developing lately.

I'm going to be okay.

My posts don't have titles anymore

remember. Nothing matters, really. In the grand scheme of things you can't change other's actions. So nothing matters. Feelings aren't real. They're chemical reactions brought on by...*remembers mom* screw that. Feelings are as real as it gets. Love is real, but it sucks. It's the best thing there is, and simultaneously the worst.

I have a strong desire to just go and cuddle up next to him, but I don't know if he's working today, and my tutoring session that got canceled is back on again, and I need the money.

:-(

Seriously, daughters of the world.

How come everyone else gets to still have their mommies?

It's wrong for me to be jealous, but screw it, I don't care. Sometimes I see my friends or acquaintances interacting with their mothers, or complaining about them, and I don't want to say it because I don't want to be that depressing friend, but...seriously. They don't know what they have. They're complaining and being rude and ignoring phone calls and all that jazz...and I guess that's how life just IS; mothers not getting along with daughters and vice versa, but still.

They don't know what they have.

I had an epiphany just now.

I know why I've been feeling so lost and strange.

It's because the one person who understood me best, who I could be completely myself with, who knew how to put up with my mood swings and who could relate to me on a level that was exactly what I needed...that person is gone. There isn't anyone left who understands me completely and innately.

So I can't really talk to anyone about my feelings, because I don't feel that anyone will understand.

And as a result, I am unsettled.

It's midnight, and I can't sleep.

Probably because I had coffee, but also because the moment I stop distracting myself, my heart aches and I want my mommy so badly.

Looks like it's going to be a long night. I should probably do some prep for tutoring tomorrow, but...for right now I'm listening to Pandora and drawing. I also got a tattoo on Saturday, one of my own designs, and it's on my shoulder.

Funny how I never, ever get the tattoos that I plan. But I basically have the start of a sleeve now, since it's a gorgeous lotus flower but it looks kind of lonely sitting there by itself. I also think that when a woman has only one tattoo on her upper arm, it looks sort of tramp-ish. So I don't want to leave it that way for long.

Anyway, I spent the night working on another flower to add to it.

What is it about people and animals and basically anything alive that we all just want to be loved?

Like Topaze, for instance. All he wants to do is be close to me. He's sleeping on my bed right now; a ball of orange fur and white whiskers. He's never happier than when he can be around me.

I should also be making that craigslist ad for the kittens.

And renewing my student loan repayment plan. And my health insurance plan. And finishing the online mandated reporter course.

I want my mom.