I was standing in the middle of my room, looking around at the photos I've decorated the walls with, and my eyes fell on the one from 2011 where I'm posing with my college mascot. I'm smiling in the photo, but I recall that I was incredibly unhappy at the time.

Why? Because I'd recently made a stupid decision.

And then it struck me: All of the times in my life where I've been unhappy with myself, where I've been terribly depressed and miserable, are times of my own making. They're the result of me making stupid decision after stupid decision. Generally involving the male half of the species.

When there are external circumstances, such as when my mom was ill, I find ways to be happy in the midst of it, because the sadness is not coming from within. It's not me being disappointed in myself and tearing myself apart from the inside.

So....DUH. Stop making stupid decisions. I know enough by now to make smart choices. I know what I should do, and when I really, really probably shouldn't do something, there's a little voice inside of me that tells me that. When I ignore it and go to do it anyway, an escape or distraction will present itself. When I ignore THAT, I suffer the consequences later on.

So from today onward, I'm going to stop with the stupid decisions. Because I know better. Because I'm 27 years old and it's about time I started behaving in a mature manner. Took care of what I need to. All that jazz.

I'm completely equipped. (And I need to stop caring what people think. I will not be rude, or cruel, or stupid, but I will stand up for myself and my worth and my beliefs and my principles and not worry about how it will make someone else uncomfortable. Because I need to be comfortable with myself. And those same people would have no problem letting me know how they feel, or cutting me off if the opportunity or reason presented itself.)

So there.

Off to edit the rest of my video.

It's a Sunday morning, our first in this new home, and I sit cross legged on the mattress that lies pressed up against the wall with the window. Neither my father nor I can find the screws that should put together our bed frames, so for now, this is how it is.

There is a cup of coffee on the floor next to me. It's my official coffee mug; the one I bought as a souvenir when I went with my journalism class to visit Al Jazeera America in the city. The same day the Ukrainian plane blew up.

It's a bittersweet moment. There is comfort in finally being in a home, no longer having to stress and worry about high rent or cruel, uncaring landlords. Yet it's incomplete because my mother isn't here. I realize she's "in a better place," but those words seem like a bandaid - something that people say when they don't understand how to face your pain.

Most days, I'm alright. I'm never truly happy, but neither am I in the depths of despair. It's more of a baseline existence. Something I've noticed is that when a situation presents itself that should cause me to truly laugh, or genuinely smile, or perhaps do my signature hop-skip-I'm-not-ever-growing-up-so-screw-you-I'm-excited jig, I can't. I look down inside myself and the small bottle of joy fizzles out before it ever gets the chance to bubble up.

Being sad forever is definitely not an option. But as long as I continue to live my life, and work to better myself and accomplish my goals, can I be allowed to grieve? It's only been five months. Her birthday is next month. And we haven't even hit the holidays and Christmas yet.

Autumn worries me. This is the first year that I find myself almost dreading it. It's always been such a comfort - the warm mugs of tea, the cool, crisp breeze and the crunching leaves, the decorations that my mother and I would put up together....do you see where I'm going with this?

But autumn hasn't arrived yet. We'll face that hurdle when it comes.

Off to church.

I tried writing this out by hand...

...but for now, my brain is faster than my wrist.

My fingers can keep up.

I went to lunch with Meeks today and she honestly made me see the light where so many others have failed.

I have my big break.

1. My mother is no longer sick. She will never be sick again. She is happy. I don't have to worry about her anymore.

2. We are no longer looking for an apartment and stressing about a landlord that wants us out. We have a place. A perfect place. It's cozy. It's cat-friendly.

3. I'm no longer in a relationship. I'm single. He doesn't value me in the way that I require, and therefore there isn't anything tying me to him. For what? Comfort? What is he giving me? Doing for me? But what am I doing for him? I'm not a child anymore. I need to act like an adult. That's what makes this time around different. I AM WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT.

4. I no longer have to work at the school that stressed me out and caused me so much grief and couldn't pay me on time and told me I couldn't go back to school.

I have a car. I have a place to live. I have my dad. I have a degree, and I'm working on another one. I am self-employed. I have so many more hours in my day to myself now to accomplish everything that I put on hold to do my duty.

And am I going to, as Meeks put it, miss my rainbow because I'm too busy looking at the raindrops? It's all past. I am demanding more of myself. I am demanding that I be strong and stick to my guns. That means a schedule. That means a budget. That means Cody is being cut off again, and Cali is about to get schooled on what I am really worth. Not by me telling him. Oh no. By me showing him.

He's a great guy, sure. He was there for me when it counted. But he is actually flaky. Can't make up your mind about which girl you want? You desperately want your ex who broke up with you but you want to keep me in your back pocket as an option? NOPE. You work with me and promise to give me half of the money we earned and never do? NOPE. (Lesson learned) I sell your friend my turtle tank and it's not important enough to you demand he give you the money because you're the middle man and it's someone else's property sale we're talking about (saw that one coming)...NOPE. You complain that you're unhappy with your life and can't pay your bills yet you're too lazy to go out there and work? So I help you by driving when I realize you have no money for a metrocard? NOPE.

I'm starting to see all the ways in which I'm expending myself, and getting nothing in return but stress.

And Meeks had a point. The moment he gets either his ex back or another girl in his life, he has no use for me anymore. That's not an option. I am not an option.

What am I keeping him around for? Does he make me happy? No. He makes me comfortable. Or rather, he did. Now, when he's texting, even though we're not together, I stress over whether maybe it's some new girl, or if it's his ex texting him.

So. Like I said in my previous post, it's going to hurt, but I'm okay with that. Because I'm done. Time's up. Time to grow up.

Be mature. Be responsible. Do me, for me.

I want my master's by the time I'm 30. To do that, I need to start school full-time next August. To do THAT, I need six thousand dollars for the first semester. To do THAAATTTT....I need a little over $1500 to pay off my outstanding tuition that's been sent to collections.

So, budgeting.

I'm going to do freelance for a little while. However, I am also going to apply to jobs that are in my field because really, it can't hurt. And if I don't, then what were my six years spent in undergrad for? Stress and exhaustion? Bags under my eyes and a practically unshakeable coffee addiction?

I think not.

Monday write novel/nerdystuff
Tuesday write novel
Wednesday 7:30 tutoring   daytime nerdystuff
Thursday Postmates evening/night   daytime nerdystuff
Friday Postmates evening/night
Saturday 12:00/2:00 tutoring  and Postmates
Sunday 1:30 tutoring   and Postmates

Facts. Time to grow up.

I've come to a conclusion

Life hurts.

I've spent a lot of time overthinking and regular thinking and all of that stuff, and I had a conversation with Cody yesterday where he said he thinks he loves me and that I'm the one for him, but we also talked about Jessica and that put some things into perspective for me. When he was with her, he says everyone around him saw that he didn't care for her anywhere nearly as much as he cared for me. That made me see where I stand with Cali. It made perfect sense. And I refuse to be the Jessica.

I'm worth more than that.

And it's a lot to go through the thought process again, but my conclusion is that I need to focus on me. I need to pull back. I'm letting go of Cali, I'm letting go of Cody. Neither one of them is right for me. That's what my gut is telling me. And ironically, two older, Christian women that were helping me pack started talking about marriage and relationships and waiting on God at the exact time where he said he loved me. And then they started talking directly to me about trusting my dad and listening to him...and God, how many times do I have to screw up and say I'm going to go my own way before I realize that my dad is ALWAYS right? He said Cali was going to hurt me, and well, congrats. He did.

But on that note, I'm okay with it. Weirdly..I mean I'm okay with the pain now. At the same time as I'm so tired of the pain and the hurt that I'm letting go. There is too much going on in my life for me to add more to it - the confusion of relationships. It's not going to work out...and really it's up to me to let go. Neither one of them seem to be able to do that, so it's up to me. It's my life. It's my body.

And on THAT note, this is what I meant by being okay with it. With the pain. I have to learn to embrace it and not let it override me. It's going to hurt. It hurts right now. But it's a part of being human, and of shaping me, and these people are going to become scars on me that shape who I am, and that make me more beautiful for it.

So I'm going to focus on getting my life together, because Johanys had the right idea. You can't be happy with someone if you're not happy with your life. You're going to poison them, eventually. You'll drag them down with you. You'll hurt them. She hurt Cali because of that, he hurt me because of that, I hurt Cody because of that (but yet he hurt me first) ...anyway, it's not tit for tat. It's that I'm ready to heal.

That's what it is.