I've come to a conclusion

Life hurts.

I've spent a lot of time overthinking and regular thinking and all of that stuff, and I had a conversation with Cody yesterday where he said he thinks he loves me and that I'm the one for him, but we also talked about Jessica and that put some things into perspective for me. When he was with her, he says everyone around him saw that he didn't care for her anywhere nearly as much as he cared for me. That made me see where I stand with Cali. It made perfect sense. And I refuse to be the Jessica.

I'm worth more than that.

And it's a lot to go through the thought process again, but my conclusion is that I need to focus on me. I need to pull back. I'm letting go of Cali, I'm letting go of Cody. Neither one of them is right for me. That's what my gut is telling me. And ironically, two older, Christian women that were helping me pack started talking about marriage and relationships and waiting on God at the exact time where he said he loved me. And then they started talking directly to me about trusting my dad and listening to him...and God, how many times do I have to screw up and say I'm going to go my own way before I realize that my dad is ALWAYS right? He said Cali was going to hurt me, and well, congrats. He did.

But on that note, I'm okay with it. Weirdly..I mean I'm okay with the pain now. At the same time as I'm so tired of the pain and the hurt that I'm letting go. There is too much going on in my life for me to add more to it - the confusion of relationships. It's not going to work out...and really it's up to me to let go. Neither one of them seem to be able to do that, so it's up to me. It's my life. It's my body.

And on THAT note, this is what I meant by being okay with it. With the pain. I have to learn to embrace it and not let it override me. It's going to hurt. It hurts right now. But it's a part of being human, and of shaping me, and these people are going to become scars on me that shape who I am, and that make me more beautiful for it.

So I'm going to focus on getting my life together, because Johanys had the right idea. You can't be happy with someone if you're not happy with your life. You're going to poison them, eventually. You'll drag them down with you. You'll hurt them. She hurt Cali because of that, he hurt me because of that, I hurt Cody because of that (but yet he hurt me first) ...anyway, it's not tit for tat. It's that I'm ready to heal.

That's what it is.