I just got home and I am so tired. Sooooo tired.

I just want to sleep.

But I wanted to put this down before I forgot it, because I'm so tired I can't hold a straight thought in my head for more than fifteen seconds at a time.

I want to charge myself rent. I mean, what's the point of living rent-free if I'm not saving? And it occurred to me that I can sustain myself with a car, food, and basic necessities, but I can't sustain rent just yet. So I'm going to charge myself rent, but put it in the bank.

I haven't decided yet whether to charge myself as if I'm renting a room or this entire apartment that we live in, because obviously one would be much cheaper than the other and yet the other would cause me to save much more money each month.

I'm leaning towards the "go for the gold" option, the full rent we pay. I mean, it's already several hundred dollars cheaper than you can find anywhere in New York. The other part of me is saying work your way up to that...start out with something more manageable.

But why bother?

The full rent is still cheaper than a studio. Might as well do the whole thing.

Gonna need moar students.

paralyzed

I'm behind on my car payment.

Same as last month.

Last month it was my fault...I didn't work when I should have. But this month...sigh. I had to pay the IRS what I owe them from filing my taxes this year, which although it was a "small" amount (not thousands of dollars), for someone who is self-employed and in general struggles to make ends meet, it set me back.

I had about 3/4ths of what I would normally have needed to make my car payment, but it all had to go to the IRS. And the time spent working to earn that was the days I normally would have worked to earn enough for my car payment. Do you see the spiral?

I feel like I'm always coming on here and complaining about stupid stuff. Stupid problems that could just be solved if I would buckle down and work harder. Or if I would just make better decisions.

You know what? I'm going to try challenging these thoughts.

They're problems because I struggle with them, plain and simple. Everyone has things they struggle with. These are the ones I struggle with. I can overcome them someday. I'm working on it now, by going to therapy.

I'll be okay.

I am okay.

My reason for coming on here was to say that when I am behind on things I get stressed out and feel paralyzed. It all feels like too much in my brain and I blame myself for not working when I'm utterly exhausted and feel horribly guilty; can't seem to convince myself that it's okay to just try to switch my schedule up and maybe work nights instead because I feel like I'm doing something wrong...ugh.

Okay. What if I worked the night shift instead? That wouldn't be so bad, would it? Supposing I only did it on certain days. I'm already out really late anyway, as a usual thing. If I got out there for 5pm, and worked until 11. The same hours I would normally try to work in the morning, just at night. I'd still be catching people around their work shifts...plenty of drivers do the night shift.

I'm going to try that. Because I'm mentally and physically exhausted right now, and I need to eat, and it's already 8:30 in the morning so half the people who should be at work are already there.

I'll tell Kim I need to be home again by six o'clock. Maybe seven. AND THEN WORK.