so as usual, my emotional state fluctuates

And I've been really insecure during this month's pms.

Anyhow, I'm just going to get it all out there.

I've been doing some relationship research online, like I normally do, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm wayyyy too available in my relationship.

1. I take my phone with me practically everywhere, just in case he might text me.
2. I usually reply to those texts within a very few minutes, unless I'm genuinely busy and don't notice them or the rare occasions that I forget to reply (read, VERY RARE)
3. Any time he asks to hang out, I drop everything. Cancel plans. Even cancel tutoring, just to hang out with him.
4. No matter what time it is. I've even left my house in the evening to go over when I really felt like staying at home and didn't feel well. WTH is wrong with me?
5. I panic when several hours go by and he doesn't text, because what could he be possibly doing that he doesn't care to want to talk to me in the middle of it? (Note the heavy sarcasm, but yes those are still the feelings that I have)
6. He didn't have to work to get me the first time around. Second time, yes. But then I ended up telling him I love him first. He still hasn't said it back, which I'm not going to make a big deal of because if I do I'll drive myself nuts. And I'm nuts enough already. I don't need to become a full-fledged squirrel.

Now, of course, I'm terrified and panicky that he will lose interest in me and I will have sabotaged the very thing I want to work by trying too hard to make it work. That the girl he is friends with who doesn't reply right away will somehow become more interesting to him because she is secure and not always available. There. I said it. I'm still afraid of that.

Now. I know that I should view myself as worthy. As the prize. As a catch. But why do I feel so insecure? Why don't I value my own feelings and needs? Why?????

What deep, dark issue from my past is making me so co-dependent?

Ugh.

Well, okay. How to fix this? I obviously don't give him space to initiate spending time with me because I'm always asking to spend time with him...although I do try to let at least a week or maybe like 5 days go by before asking again. But....I should back off. And in my past experience, it's taken a full week of not seeing me before he will ask to hang out.

New rules:
1. Leave my phone where I am not, and if I happen to be holding the phone when he texts, wait at least two minutes before replying.
2. Have plans for my life. Work. Earn money to pay off my debts. Do fun stuff WITH OTHER PEOPLE BESIDES HIM.
3. Don't say yes every single time he wants to hang out.
4. Don't ask to hang out two times in a row.
5. Stop imagining the future. It's pointless and unhealthy.
6. Let it be what it is. It's always going to be whatever it is at the moment anyway. And it's grown so far. Good things take time.

This might be pms talking, but I'm so scared that I've ruined everything somehow. That even though last friday when we hung out for the entire day (it ended up being 14 hours total) and everything was so perfect and we chilled and had fun and cuddled and watched anime and went to get food and had sex and actually both "came" within about thirty seconds of each other (I thought that only happened in fanfics) and talked and talked and played video games...that in spite of all that... maybe I'm ruining things and it's really actually falling apart and I just can't see it.

That maybe he's growing tired of me. And I'm afraid to type those words because I'm afraid to put it out into the universe but I'm tired of keeping those fears inside.

I started therapy two weeks ago.

I have to get better.

I need to remember that successful people are simply problem solvers.

So I have identified a problem. That's the first step. Now I need to take the steps to solve it. Which are following the rules above.

What's crazy, too, is the other night I had a dream that he was pursuing another girl and when I confronted him about it, he said that I was too forward, and not interesting enough. That I was too obvious when I wanted to initiate sex...omg. What if this is a warning?

It's three o'clock in the morning. I dunno if I'm wide awake because of the coffee I had at my student's sweet 16 (where she dedicated one of her sixteen candles to me and said I am her role model, yay) or if it's because I'm so worked up about this.

But I don't think I'll be falling asleep any time soon.

It's kind of frustrating to be forced to tread the slow path. I've noticed this problem and I want it to just be fixed already. I want to have never made this mistake in the first place.

I think the reason I feel so insecure is because I have devalued myself.

Sex before marriage, not starting this relationship the traditional way (of him having to pursue and woo me, dates and such) and having lost myself and who I used to be along the way.

So I don't feel wanted, because I was too desperate in the beginning. I was afraid of being alone. He was my escape from the awful reality of my mom's death. Besides that, I value friendship before relationships, but we sort of slid into this one and I have also been deathly afraid of having to find someone new and start from scratch. I say "slid into," but he did actually ask me to be his girlfriend. It wasn't a slide as much as it was circumstantial.

The new relationship was a little bit more of a decision, him declaring that he wanted to be with me and then having to wait for me to decide whether I wanted to be with Cody or him (or neither).

I think I've gone from one extreme to the other. From not putting out any effort, to desperately putting out all the effort.

Neither is good. Balance is essential.

I need to have self-respect. Another rule, #7: Don't go to his house after 7:00pm. I should print these rules out and keep them in my wallet. *rolls eyes*

Or write them in Norwegian and put them up where I can see them constantly.

I have no boundaries in this relationship, currently. Well, except for having made it clear that I won't be physical unless we are actually in a relationship and that I'd never be open to a threesome...lol. But like, that should go without saying.

My boundaries are now thus:
(that should probably say "this" or "these," but "thus" sounds much more official)

1. I will not enter his house after 7:00pm. That's a big one.
2. I will not reply instantly when he texts.
3. If I don't feel like hanging out, I'll say so.
4. I will not rearrange my day and/or pre-made plans for him. I will say I am busy.
5. When I am at his house, I will leave before midnight. We will eventually work on getting this down to 9:00pm. But hey. Gotta start small lol.

Seriously, I feel like it's amazing that he hasn't left me so far. (And that, right there, is my problem) That with all my insecurities and acting weird and the times I've let him see how afraid or clingy I truly am, that he hasn't called it quits. But, he does seem to be in this for the long term. Or at least the long haul. And he doesn't seem to be in a rush to make it anything it's not. So that's a good thing.

And when I'm not overthinking and pmsing, it's great. So...that means it has the potential to be great most of the time. I was gonna say "all the time," but realized that would logically be unrealistic. So yeah.

I feel much better now. Maybe I can actually go to sleep.

Good night.

let's do another happy one

I've been doing good lately. Not well, but good.

I've been happy.

It's a little scary to write, because I get scared that if I write down good things, then bad things will happen. But just because I imagine something doesn't make it true.

So I'm going to write about my happy moments.

The mom of one of my students texted me and told me her daughter was able to read an entire book all the way through, one she had barely been able to get through 3 pages of just two months ago. She thanked me. See? This is why I tutor.

My backyard is beautiful. Not in the traditional sense, but in that it's filled with weeds and wildflowers; morning glories that creep up the mesh of my bedroom window, jasmine that cascades over the fence in the back and fills the breeze with its sweet and familiar scent, birds that chatter and tweet throughout the afternoon. It reminds me of a forest.

Cal and I are doing really well together. He likes to team up to play ESO, and I don't panic and overthink as much as I used to. I've gotten so much better at talking myself down and accepting things for what they are right now; just enjoying the moment. The other night I went by (rather late) to catch up watching My Hero Academia. It was the best it's been in a long while. We laughed, had fun, watched the episodes, ate cheez-its, and as usually happens when we're together, things escalated physically.

There are times when it's just fun and lust and times when I can sense something more. I'd been afraid, before, and thought it was just me projecting my feelings, but he's told me that's not the case; he's been getting emotional when we're together like that. That night was one of those nights when I sensed that.

Afterward, he didn't move off of me. Instead, he held me tight and buried his face in my shoulder, and stayed that way for a long time. My heart felt like it was too full...and I remember thinking to myself: this is why you should date your best friend. Because it's the best thing in the world, to be close like this. 

Later, we snuggled up and fell asleep, with our arms around each other. I didn't want to leave, but I also didn't want my dad to worry. But I really, really didn't want to leave. Eventually, I had to pee really badly, so I got up and used that as the catalyst to get myself to leave, but I want to remember this.

Even if it ends, as all things eventually do, because one day I will die and so will he (got real morbid there, huh, but that's how I think ever since my mom died) or if it ends before that...I want to be grateful for these happy times, and for feeling like this.

Because it's nice.