music rants.

I downloaded a thing. It's software. It's um...a thing. It makes music.

I love dubstep music, and for a while now I've been wanting to create some. So.....I forked over $43 bucks out of my Christmas money and bought a digital music kit.

Then I made a flipping epic beat (no, really. It was fantastic) and the program decided to freeze on me and I lost the whole track. Guh.

I cried.

And then I went and watched Pentatonix music videos and Andy Grammer's Keep Your Head Up and Superfruit's Try Not To Laugh video and felt tons better. Then I went and discovered some more interviews and the like and now I feel bummed again. Silly little crush I've got. I'll get over it. I was obsessed with Jamie Campbell Bower and his voice/smile/hair/personality for a while, and now I'm okay. It looks like Avi Kaplan is the new obsession. Why do I always end up picking the quiet ones to like? Can I hear you say "I'ma teach you how to love?" (My favorite line from their song Love Again...of course it's Avi's line. That bass voice is whoa.) Seriously. Pentatonix is awesome.

Okay. Now that I'm done with that....I ought to go to sleep. But I'm not tired. I stay up late every night into the wee hours watching Pentatonix videos and Superfruit videos. Not good....

Meh. Laters!!!! I'm going to go watch the Try Not to Laugh video again and get happy and then go to sleep.

OH! BTW...Lindsey Stirling has a new song/album out called Shatter Me... lawd. I had the jitters by the time the song was done. She is amazing.

Science. Writing. Music. Me.

2014

hi. i blog.
I'm talking to a guy I met at a party who is ten years older than me (yikes). Don't see that going anywhere. I'm teaching myself to sing (that's definitely going somewhere). I'm going to finish my novel in 2015. I'm going vegan again in January (or is it vegetarian)? I use parentheses a lot (have you noticed)? I still blog. It's been four years. I'm terribly insecure, yet people have told me I come across as confident (how the heck does that work?) I've got one less problem without you. Yes you. I love Christmas but have had a hard time getting into the spirit this year. I'm a Pentaholic (Pentatonix is the best band in the universe and I'm going to meet them one day.) I make youtube videos. No I don't. Sometimes I do. I will, more. I love water. I need to move out on my own. Soon. I have two cats, three goldfish, and a Betta fish (yes, another one. I'm trying again). I can play lots of instruments just by picking them up. Well. The guitar, the piano, the drums and the clarinet. Is that a lot? Apparently my favorite color is red. I thought it was green. (It used to be purple). I have a job. No, not a career. A job. I'm working on my career. I still want to travel, but I haven't figured out how to pay for that yet. I will. I don't like interacting with people, but my job requires it. Ugh. It's not so bad, really. I want an iPhone. I don't know how to use one. I just realized that I shut myself down a lot. That's not good. Let's be better. I'm good at things. Negotiating. Writing. Listening. Drawing. Singing. (uh, I'm getting there). I can rap (who knew?) I'm a flaky sort of person when it comes to appointments and responsibilities. I like to sit cross-legged a lot. I hate when people spell "a lot" as "alot." I met jamie campbell bower this year and he spoke to me and signed my book. I want kids some day. When I'm at work I'm convinced I don't want kids. I'm also convinced I don't want kids whenever I get my period. But that's normal. I finally have fairy lights in my bedroom but I need pingpong balls to turn them into lanterns. My hair is finally waist-length. I'm learning to come to terms with my acne scars and love them. They're a part of me. I have a car. Her name is Katniss. I've started grad school for the career I really want. I'm becoming strong again. On the inside. Where it counts. I am learning to be me.

Facets.

fashion. sports. dance. art.
what is it that sets me apart?

writing. reading. singing...right.
That last one is a bit of an oversight.

colors. sentences. textures. bold.
these things can be bought but they can't be sold.

a minute. an hour. a day. a night.
for all that I'm trying I can't get it right.

does it have to be me, does it have to be you?
why can't I focus and just see it through?

an aspect, a facet, they're just parts of me
all little bits and pieces...and one day I'll see.

I am just me.

Youtube Videos

We are going to do it.

My friend Khrys and I. We're going to make youtube videos. She sings beautifully. I can play the guitar.
We are going to do covers. She will be the amazing voice and I will be the music.

I love it.

And then one day we're going to road trip and document the whole thing on youtube.

Our first song is going to be "Give me love" by ed sheeran. I'm listening to it now to get it in my head, and I've already found a tutorial on youtube for how to play it on the guitar. It requires a capo, too, which I'm excited about, especially as I've finally got mine.

I've got three weeks to learn it. Perfectly. Don't know why I painted my nails... =)

Let's do this.

I hate it when I want to listen to music while I'm doing my homework, but I have to watch a video or listen to something for class in order to do said homework.

Grrrrr.

why is it that whenever i see somebody do something...i want to do it too? like if someone sings. i want to sing. if they dance, i want to dance. if they play guitar or write songs or draw or paint or skateboard or...anything like that.

i always want to do it too.

Who am I?

Okay, so get ready for a whole barrage of self doubt and questioning... it's going to be a flood. If you don't feel like sitting through that - get out now.

I mean it.

Get.

Out.

Now.

Thank you.

I had a conversation today that the petty side of me thinks I could have done without. I mean, what is it with people who are older than you constantly feeling the need to impart wisdom into your life?

If you've got thirty years on me, heck, even twenty, by all means, go ahead. I'm listening. But not even a decade? *sigh* And I know life experience counts for something. But still.

Now that I'm done ranting about that, I can let my rational side take over and say "She pointed out some good things. Interesting things. Things you should take into consideration. Maybe you are naive."

Which brings me to my next point.

Am I so naive as to be frivolous? Immature? Inane?

Now she didn't suggest any of these things. Of course not. But my mental state instantly shifts to "self-deprecation mode" when I hear all my opinions challenged and then shot down with rational thought.

Okay fine. Maybe I do take things at surface value. I've never dug deep enough. Should I go all Freudian and blame my mom (or does he blame the dads?) for always giving people the benefit of the doubt and teaching me to do the same?

Or is it because I don't think for myself? Do I? I don't know. I like to listen to all sides of a story and then form my opinion based on the facts. But when it comes to non-people entities, like organizations, I do tend to pre-judge based on...nothing. Just ideas.

Okay. So that's a fault. And not fair - to them or myself. So I don't like to identify with just one race. I'm a mixture of two. Is there something wrong with that? Apparently.

It would appear that I'm short-changing myself what would have been a wealth of opportunity by choosing not to network. I guess that's a stupid decision to make.

But hear my defense (or at least the method behind the madness).

I'm a very solitary person. I dislike spending too much time with too many different people. I prefer working behind the scenes. I like anonymity. I hate three words: "extrapolate," "verify," and "network."

I hate when people tell me I have to behave a certain way, dress a certain way, or join something just because it's expected in "the real world" or "the corporate world," like, what? When I took a course to become a security guard, the trainer told me and the rest of the women in the class that we needed to wear heels to the interview because it presented a certain image and we most likely wouldn't get the job otherwise.

What. A. Joke.

I did end up wearing heels to that interview...I was eighteen and dumb. I did get the job. But the interviewer barely bothered to look me in the eye or shake my hand. Do you really think heels got me the job? Bah. (I should also probably mention that I'm nearly 5 foot 10 and taller than most women are in heels....when I'm barefoot.) I did NOT need to wear heels.

Then why should I need a list of titles after my name for that to get me recognition? Like, so what if what I do isn't validated by the rest of the world. Being a housewife isn't. In fact, it's frowned upon. Yet if there is no one to take care of the house and the children, how does it get done? Poorly.

Being homeschooled is another example. I have yet to meet someone who doesn't think that being homeschooled deprives you of socialization: "Oh, but you couldn't have had any friends!" or proper education: "Wait...your MOM taught you?" Eff yes, my mom taught me. And I had the best grades during that time that I've had in my entire academic career! And I had friends, I went on trips all over...just... ugh. I strongly, strongly dislike when people make assumptions about that.

Hmm. I guess I should take a little of my own advice and not make assumptions without knowing the full story.  But back to my rant for now.

My point is, that I think that what a person does should speak for itself. If I choose to be a writer, and I write extremely well, then I think that sending in a sample of my work should land me a position. What I don't think is fair is someone who isn't qualified getting a job or being notified of something earlier just because they "have connections."

Besides that, I hate all the schmoozing that goes on at social networking events. You smile, you shake hands, you act all proper, you dress fancy, you worry about your hair and make up and whether your dress looks better on you than on the next person and whether you have as many titles after your name as they do and you get impressed by them (as well as jealous because they have more) and you decide you must now get to know them because of what they can do for you.

Not because of who they are as a person. Not because of their skill set. Just because they have worked in the White House and they know the Secretary of State and therefore they are Important People.

Spare me. Please.

I also can't stand all of the sales gimmicking in those companies like Organo Gold...I joined because I thought I could make some extra money, but now they want me to have "coffee mixers"...aka tasting parties where I put on some smooth jazz music, dim the lights, dress up in heels and a blazer in my own house, and pep talk to dozens of people about what a great opportunity this is and how they are missing out if they don't join.

I. Hate. That.

Is it so bad that I don't want a life that consists of being fake? If I don't want to talk to people, I don't want to be forced to. Okay, yes, if I have to interview someone that counts as talking to people, but...in my eyes it's different because it's something I want to do. And I can wear jeans or sneakers or 0g tunnels while doing it. I can drink a cup of coffee...I can meet them on a park bench and interview them. I can travel the world. But I don't want to have to kiss butt cheeks to get there.

So. I don't like the idea of sororities, "affinity organizations," and the like for those exact reasons. Yet the person I had the conversation with managed to make me feel stupid - yes, stupid - for not wanting to join them. Not the sororities - but...

Let me just take a break for a moment. Have you ever realized just how complex everything is? Just so very full of a thousand little nuances and aspects and small moments that add up to make the big picture immensely complicated. It's like all the little pixels that make up a movie. Life is literally like that.

I just want to be me. I just want to wear bright yellow stockings, hang out with people younger than me, read, drink tea and coffee, and write. Is that really too much to ask?

Why do I feel bad about myself? Why do I feel naive? Why does it seem like I can't hold my own in a verbal conversation without sounding...dumb? Maybe that was all in my head...or maybe it's just how she talks. She speaks in a very condescending tone of voice, very apathetic...and it's very hard to impress her. Not that I'm trying to. No. But she's so NOT impressed by the school, NOT impressed by the classes, NOT impressed by the living conditions...and NOT afraid to let you know how NOT impressed she is with it.

I get it. Some people are better suited for some environments than others. But don't bash an environment just because you've been to what you believe is better. That's like an American bashing Middle Eastern living just because America has "better" infrastructure or something dumb like that. No. It's a different culture. And if you don't fit in, leave. Find someplace you do.

But seriously. I now feel as though I'm completely inadequate, as though my education is sub-par, as though I've been gypped for having to pay for my undergrad education (maybe so) and as though I'm settling for less by attending grad school here.

I'm tired of defending my decisions. Really. So I'm going to lay it out once and for all here.  I'm home because I want to be near my mother during her illness. I'm going to school here because I'm getting a good education for less money than elsewhere. Also, it's close to home. Which was a MAJOR factor in my decision not to move to Boston and go to school there. And bam. There you have it.

Are you happy now? No? I don't care.

But I want to be happy. I might not be headstrong in the ways that mean disobeying my parents by moving out (not that they're forcing me to stay home) or partying or just ...whatever... but I want to do what makes me happy. I want to pursue my dreams. I don't want a desk job. No, really. I  DON'T want a desk job. Nine to five? Gosh, no. Can't stand it. So totally not me.

But you know what? Everyone is different. Some people love competition (not me.) Some people are very driven and action oriented. I prefer to dream and think and let it all spill out in small black strokes on a page or screen. Some people prefer to go out and live in the world, do what "it" wants, follow the system to get by...I'd rather create worlds and live in those, and invite others in with me.

That's weird. I get that.

But writers are weird.

finally! (how many of my posts have that title?)

It took me three solid days of research and writing...but I'm done!

Done with my first project...half an hour before the deadline.

BOO YAH! =D

Now it's time to go curl up under the covers and rest...I've got a long day tomorrow. Especially since it's Mom's birthday. I'm glad. Truly glad. Another year. A whole, 'nother, year.

After all that....she's still here.

plannings

Heya there. Yes you. How are you?

Why I'm doing just fine, thanks for asking.

Okay. Listen up...we need to plan. We need a schedule. Like, NEED a schedule.

Say it with me now. In the British way. Shhhhhhhheddule.

Good.

Let's begin.


Alright. I have to catch the 9:36 train in the mornings. That means I have to get out by 8:30.

Is this stupid? Can a stalker track me down and like... well.

I live in ARIZONA!

Just kidding. I live in Chicago.

Nope. It's actually Boston. =D

ANYWAY. I digress.

So I have to do reading, and research, and some writing, and hopefully my job continues to allow me to make up my hours. So assuming they do, work starts at 8:30 on some days.

On those days, I'll have to wake up earlier. How does 5:30 sound?

Dreadful.

Hmm. Wakey wakey (Doctor Who reference there...see what I did?) and I can do research and read the paper on Tuesdays (how early does it get published online?) until 7:30, when I get ready for work.

Dang. Those will be some long days. Then I'd really need to sleep.

Maybe we can do 6:00. Yeah. An extra half hour. Okay.

P.S. I need to print my syllabus. Remind me, okay?

Get some zzzzz's from 8:00 to 6:00.

I wanted to run, but I def can't do that every day. It shall have to be a few days a week. The day I have class might be a good day...at least until the snow comes.

Hmm. I need time to shower, so... gotta be back by an hour before I have to leave. That's some early mornin' runnin'. It'll be dark in the winter.

I think.

Actually...

no.

I hear crickets. They've been out in full force during the nights lately, and the cicadas during the day. I love the sound of both.

I'm going to miss summer.

But I'm ready for the fall. So ready.

throw all five away

So I want to know why he keeps contacting me.

Is it because he wants to remain friends? And I don't?

Is it because he never could take no for an answer? That's not true. It just sounded cliche, and I felt like using it.

Is it because I'm a great person and he can't stand to be without me? Hah. Clearly not.

Then why? Does he want answers? Answers to what? I didn't get them when I needed them, so he can certainly learn to do without.

It must be because I usually give in and respond. I'll answer a text or a phone call, albeit days later, because I'm worried that something might have happened - that he might need me. And then I'd want to be there. You don't just throw away five years of friendship.

Except you can.

And I'm choosing to.

I'm back!

And it is so good.

I was just thinking how my entire old circle of friends/acquaintances is now gone...how I'm now kind of cut off from them...just...isolated.

And then I go sit down on a bench outside and who finds me but my buddy from a year ago!

I feel better now.

I never thought I needed people, but the past year has taught me that they are invaluable. Especially the good ones.

I'm loving being back. Learning in a structured setting is something that I've been doing for so long, for such a large portion of my life, that not having it to balance out the rest of my activities has been difficult.

But I'm back, and it's a lot of work, and it promises to be more, but....hey. Life is work. In a good way, mostly.

Luv ya.

people really are nosy

I was having a conversation today with one of my co-workers on her lunch break.

Sure. We're getting to know each other (not that I necessarily want to/care to get to know anyone). So it's okay if you ask me about my mom. Or if you want to know where my dad is from, or whether I have any siblings.

It's not any of your business whether I'm single or not.

Okay, you might want to know what I studied in college. I'm used to getting that question.

It's NOT any of your business what my grades were. Are you hiring me? Are you evaluating me? Are you going to help me get into grad school? Will you be writing a recommendation letter for me? How will you benefit in ANY way by knowing what my grades were except to sate your bloated curiosity?

Freaking busybodies.

I'm proud of myself, though. I didn't tell her, when she asked. I just looked down at my paperwork, laughed, and said "You're so nosy, Ms. R."

She couldn't believe that I wouldn't tell her what my grades were, so she started guessing.

"Was it A's, B's? How did you do?"

"I did well."

"So was it A's or B's?"

Cue another laugh on my part. "I never tell people my grades."

"It must've been C's, then. Mostly C's."

REALLY?

I laughed in earnest then. "You can think whatever you want to think - that won't change what my grades were."

Then she goes, "I'm not telling you my grades either."

Uh....did I ask YOU? I don't recall that....

Seriously though. Such busybodies.

clocks and words

I need to force myself to write. Not to read...that comes as naturally as breathing (unless it's homework).

But to make time to write...that's another story.
He heh. No pun intended.

I thought I wrote best in the mornings, but apparently I don't. Since I can't seem to wake up to do it. But I'm not really free in the afternoons. And I'm tired in the evenings, plus I have to...well, I ought to have some sort of life with my family.
I've got to make this work.

I will.

I also had a REALLY weird dream that I won a scholarship....for $3,330 ....hmm. I made a vow to God to give Him that amount of money. Well.. $333, to be exact. But I guess that would be a really small scholarship. So far I've only paid $111 of it.

Okay. I get the message.

But the dream was weird because in it, my old manager from school (when I worked on campus) uh...we were sort of..interested in each other. And that's weird. Yep. Really weird. I haven't thought of him in ages...and there was nothing THERE when we did work together. I can't even remember his name...

Ah. Brandon. There we go.

But funny how a dream can mess with your feelings, eh?

It's scary sometimes.

Like now.

Like when I fear being thrown back into last summer and the pain and the fear and the exhaustion and the dread of not knowing or understanding.

Like when she says she's so dizzy she could fall over, but I don't know what to do.

I hate feeling helpless.

And then people ask how she's doing, and I say she's doing much better, because I don't know what else to say.

They'll blame me if I say she's not doing well…they'll ask me if she's getting treatment. But she's not. But how do you force someone to get treatment if they don't want it? And then when certain people say that you shouldn't try to coerce or force her… it's her life.

But what the heck? It's MY LIFE TOO. It's MY MOTHER, and I'M the one who would have to live without her if things went really bad. NOT YOU. NOT EFFING YOU.

So don't tell me to let her be. That it's her life. It's my darn life too. So shut up.

And to you stupid doctors (I'm on a roll, now) who don't return phone calls, I hate you. And I hope that one day… I hope that one day my mom is completely cancer-free and we'll never have to see your faces again.

And cancer?

F*CK YOU.

Ytringsfrihet - Episode 1 - Del 1/5

popup concerts and perfection

So I just finished watching a bunch of videos of Jamie's popup shows on youtube, and I'm in SUCH a good mood.
I didn't realize he was such a great person! I mean, I knew he was cool, and funny, and down-to-earth, and that he can sing, amazingly, and play the guitar...

But he's AMAZING. He just has such a great personality. I hope, for his sake and ours (his fans) that he never gets TOOOOO famous. Because that way he can keep doing popup concerts and being down-to-earth and funny and actually keep having conversations in the middle of his concerts and doing random great things.

Ah. Jamie makes me happy.

Did I mention I MET HIM?

He had a popup concert here in NY, in Union Square, on May 3rd. And I met him. And he signed my book. My copy of City of Bones. Like, he knows I exist. And he spoke to me. After he had driven off in the car and I went and knocked on the window. He rolled down the window for me. And spoke to me. And signed my book.

*fangirling much?*

I still have the pen he wrote with.

*yeah*

Now, after watching the videos of the concerts, I see that that's the type of person he is. He wouldn't NOT have rolled down the window. He's just that nice of a person. And that humble.

It's still awesome.

I'm just always inspired by him. Because he's so creative, and such a nice person besides.

I want to be like that one day. To be well known enough that people enjoy my work, but not toooooo well known so that I can't walk down a street anonymously. Not for the sake of me being famous, so much as to know that people have fallen in love with the characters I've created. That's what I want. To create an alternate world for people to live in and love in and never want to leave.

My role models are Cassandra Clare, Oscar Wilde and Suzanne Collins. If I could combine all three of them and then add a dash of myself...

Perfection.

I like having an online diary.

There's something comforting about it. It's like, you can be as anonymous as you want, but there is still the chance that someone can see what you're going through and either rejoice with you or relate to your struggles.

Why do I seem to be the girl that everybody wants/ nobody wants at the same time? And yet, the one that nobody gets because she won't open up to anyone?

Sometimes I think to myself that it would be good to be single my whole entire life. That a relationship is not worth the stress and the pressure and the disagreements.

But I do want children. And I don't think I want to adopt and be a single mom, although that thought has crossed my mind more than once. But what's brought this on is that at my job, there is a guy, Carl, who is beyond aggravating.

Why is he beyond aggravating, you might ask.

Well.

I'll tell you.

The man doesn't know how to take "no, thank you," for an answer. There's a difference between being persistent and harassing someone. He's borderline harassing.

I'm not a naturally rude person. I try to be polite. But now I understand why people say that others often mistake their kindness for weakness...gosh.

He offered to drive me home yesterday. I said "no, thank you." Multiple times. When I was leaving work, he pulled up in his car and blocked my path and insisted to drive me home. I said NO, THANK YOU, have a good evening.

He decided to park his car and WALK me home.

Now I will admit, I could have stopped about a block away from home and tried to dismiss him, but that thought didn't cross my mind at that moment. So now he knows where I live. And that's scary.

Especially because he said that he wants to get to know me so he can know "how to break me down" (the freak does he mean by that? He can go screw himself, honestly) and he also asked for my number, and when I didn't give it to him, he said "I can get it, you know, but I'd prefer if you gave it to me."

I told my mom and my dad, and my dad wants me to bring him his number so he can call him and tell him to back off. I'm also going to tell both my bosses. Because it's not cool.

It makes me uncomfortable. And if it makes me uncomfortable, then it's workplace harassment.

He's been bugging me for two days straight. Like, can't you take a hint? No, I don't want you to buy me lunch. No, I don't want you to cook me dinner. No, I don't want to call or text you. No, I don't want to give you my number. No, I don't want you to be my friend.

He says that he wants to decide whether I'm the type of person he wants as a friend, or the type of person he wants to tell stories to his kids about how we met.

DON'T I GET A SAY IN WHETHER I WANT TO BE FRIENDS OR NOT?

He's seriously pissing me off. And I know I don't show it, because I'm polite, but goodness. There's a song playing on Pandora right now...the lyrics are "and the cracks begin to show."

That's how I feel right about now.

Completely just...ugh. I haven't disliked someone so much in quite some time. Yeesh. I just had to vent about this. And get it on record, because he's freaking me out.

Okay. Later.
Good night.

it's springtime again

This is why I love the springtime.

It's composed of days where I can be content, even though I may have had a long and rough day...but then, the sky is so perfect and I can listen to mellow music and be on my computer and everything is perfect and okay just for this moment.

I came home from work a little while ago (I GOT MY PAYCHECK, YAY!)  and neither mom nor dad are home yet, so I'm just relaxing with Topaze. I changed into comfy clothes, put on Pandora, took out some food from the freezer to defrost, and now I'm sitting in the living room just being me.

I've missed this.

The feeling of having been productive and then being able to sit back and relax.

It reminds me of days spent on my college campus (which I find really hard to believe are over) looking out of the wall-to-ceiling window in the common room of the dorm I stayed in. I miss that. But at least I have that feeling now.

Ah yes, I've finally got my diploma. Thank God.

I did have to take home some work to finish over the weekend...*cringes* don't judge me. It would never have gotten done there.

I'm uploading a video to youtube now... it's 15 random things about my life and me. I like having a youtube channel. Although I must admit, now that I'm working, I'm sure I don't have a clue when I'll find time to film videos. How do other people do it?

Maybe I have to do it on weekends. Yeah. Or maybe early in the mornings? Meh. We'll see.

Catch you around.

hi there

Hai.

So now I know why I was feeling so mucky yesterday. I walked too much in the cold, didn't dress warm enough. This spring weather is SO unpredictable. The day before it was really, really hot, and I was overdressed.

Of course it follows that the next day I would underdress and it would be terribly cold and windy.

Of course.

So here I sit, with a major case of the sniffles and just, ick. But on a bright note, tomorrow I get my first paycheck =D

I'm thirsty. Oh. And I also found out today that one of the little boys from the school lives on my block. Whaddya know? Small world and all. Very small world.

Yesterday he texted me and said that if I was done being friends with him or talking to him that I should let him know, so that he wouldn't think I was always busy. He said he'd understand.

I thought about it long and hard, (which is part of the reason I got sick...I walked an extra three blocks on the way home thinking about it) and decided that in the end, I have to do what's best for me. And what's best for me is to not be in contact with him. So I told him as much. I said I was sorry, that I thought we could be friends afterwards, but that I can't. I said he should focus on what he has with his girlfriend now.

When I told my mom this morning, she said I ought to have wished them well, but I did that months ago. I did my best, okay? I genuinely believe that. I tried to be friends after the fact. I tried to have conversations and be normal. It might have looked normal to an outsider, but for me, it was torture.

Every time I saw a text come in, or heard the phone ring and it was him, it was torture. I dreaded it. Maybe that makes me weak. Who knows? It probably does. But that's okay. Because even though in some ways I'd like to continue being friends with him, and sometimes I miss being able to tell him things, right now, it's worse for me to be friends with him than not to.

And every day I get better, anyway. I get a little stronger.

I still have dreams sometimes that he and his girlfriend are in. That sounds weird. But she's always warning me to stay away, in the dreams. And he's always trying to keep me around. I had one dream where he literally grabbed me around the waist and wouldn't let go even though I was begging him to and trying to pull away.

I woke up from that one crying.

But I think this is just my brain's way of working all this out, ya know? I've got to do what's best for me. He's got to do what's best for him. And the one doesn't include the other anymore. Too bad.

I'll survive. And so will he.

So. New topic.
I've got plans for my first paycheck even though my dad said I should bank it all. Gah. I need some more dress clothes for work, but simple ones. Ones that can be mixed and matched and reused without it being obvious. And Topaze needs a new litter box, one with a lid. And I'm going to buy my mom a new cell phone. And my dad's birthday is in five days. I don't know what to get for him. I know he wanted a tablet...and a coupon just came in the mail for one...

See? All these eggs being counted and the hen didn't even lay yet.

Sigh.

OH! How could I forget???? The most important thing...I've got to tithe from it. I'm going to give to CARE; they're an organization that helps overseas. But I'm torn between giving to them and giving to my church. We're not really going there anymore, so I'm not sure whether I should give it to them. Like, would it be fair to them? Or would it be wrong for me not to give to them?

Then, also, my Pastor wrote a recommendation letter for me that helped me get the job. Okay. So I should at least give my first tithe there.

I hate owing people.

It seems inevitable.

I'm writing short sentences.

A lot.

I've been toying with the idea of writing a short story. Perhaps a one-shot fanfiction. Maybe? Maybe not. We'll see.

Okay.

Talk to you another time. Later gators!

Short update

Hi.

I've started so many posts this year but saved them all as drafts.

I'm determined not to do the same with this one.

I have good news. I GOT A JOB! I'm working as an administrative assistant at a school. It's a crap-ton of work and responsibility, but I like it. It's good for me. And the children are adorable. It's ages 2-5.

I also need to do my hair for tomorrow but I have an almost-headache.

Mom had company over tonight; her friend, who speaks norwegian. I braided her hair for her.

Tomorrow my childhood friend Kimmie wants to come and visit, but I don't know about that. I'm not getting any time for myself. Any time to rest.

Is this what it's like to have a job and responsibility?

I don't think I want a full-time job for the rest of my life.

Anyway. I'm going to keep this short so that I can actually post it tonight and not just end up with yet another draft. I'm also making a bunch of typos because I'm so tired.

Good night.

Luv ya.