This whole process of applying to grad school is terrifying.
I wish I hadn't started college until last semester. I wasn't ready. I wasn't mature. I wasn't responsible enough. And now I'm afraid I'm going to pay for it by not being accepted to graduate studies.
I should have just majored in english. I would have had a 4.0GPA.
If I could do it over, I would.
I really would.
If I could do it over, that day in October, 2007, I would ignore the cute skater boy who started talking to me as I was walking to the train station.
If I didn't ignore him, I'd listen to my parents when they warned me, over, and over, and over again.
It makes me worry about being a parent myself someday.
But back to grad school.
They all want 3.0 gpas. Mine isn't quite that.
I tried for so long and so hard to go to medical school, and really, chemistry and physics and calculus and all those other stupid requirements are so not my forte.
Biology and english is. Are. Haha. The irony.
But either way, I'm just worried.
If I do get in, I honestly don't know how I'm going to pay for it. When I get out, how will I pay off the loans?
But what if I don't get in to any? What if none of them like me?
I didn't develop relationships with my professors like I should have to be able to just stroll up to any of them and ask for a recommendation letter...I commuted all my years of studying here, and really, when you're a commuter (perhaps an immature commuter, granted) all you think about is catching that 4:17 train home so you can get back before the sun goes down and you don't have to spend 2 hours on the train instead of one and a half.
I wish I had been more responsible, thought ahead more, asked more questions, listened to my parents, talked to professors, stopped being so goddang SHY, sought out opportunities, NOT listened to my parents about not dorming so I wasn't always rushing home and could have been more involved....
What can I do about all that now?
Nothing.
Not a darn thing.
NOTHING.
So what to do now?
Move forward. Hope that my GPA is overshadowed by great GRE scores. Hope that my writing samples and any possible interviews place me in a good light.
Pray.
Pray some more.
And then ..... go to Cincinnati.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
Friday, October 5, 2012
escape
the needle is the escape
the metal bar
running through her skin
a solace
hidden scars decorated
in silver and precious stones
damage becomes art
in her eyes
flesh giving way
to the sting and the burn and the itch
something to care for
to look forward to.
the metal bar
running through her skin
a solace
hidden scars decorated
in silver and precious stones
damage becomes art
in her eyes
flesh giving way
to the sting and the burn and the itch
something to care for
to look forward to.
Friday, August 17, 2012
insanity
I've always had something against writing things down
because I'm afraid of leaving a paper trail to be followed
But I can't keep these things bottled up inside my head anymore or else I might go insane.
There's so much going on in my life at once...and I don't know how to cope with all of it. My mom is sick, I have to apply to graduate school and take the GRE...and maybe we'll move...and it's me doing all the "looking at the houses."
I'm trying to sort out my feelings in a relationship and see where it goes but my feelings are getting ahead of my brain and scaring the crap out of me.
I didn't take my final exam in the summer course I was taking and got an incomplete and need a doctor's note to be allowed to take a make-up, but the doctor can't see me until monday. And now I called the doctor's office and there's no one answering, and the "voice mailbox has not been activated."
Que?
Yo no comprende.
I also withdrew from the other summer course I was taking.
I have to return one of my pets to the pet shop because he's a bully, and he's been raping my other guinea piggy, and my friend wants me to go with her to Six Flags tomorrow...
I'm mainly broke...
I need to call the department that I'll be volunteering with at the hospital to schedule an interview and then figure out which date exactly is the orientation...
I'll be starting work again in three days...
Do you see just how much stuff is going on at once in my head? And it's all vastly different. Not to mention that I need to study for my GRE, and more pressingly, study for this make-up final which I am fretting about.
I'm not sure whether I feel better yet by writing it down..perhaps I do...
Now I need to vent about this friendship/what-else thing... My mom pointed out about God and how if anyone is not a rock-solid Christian then I have no business considering a relationship with them. But um, hello... I AM NOT (unfortunately) a rock- solid christian. I've got loads of work to do on my own relationship with God...how can I make those demands from someone else?
It seems hypocritical. And I AM trying to do it right...I really am. I'm keeping my distance when we're around each other (which is practically never...he lives like three states away) and keeping our conversation chaste...
I already made it clear where I stand with the no-sex-before-marriage thing...I don't need to go down that road again. I messed up enough. And he's cool with that.
Why why why are we adding this next level into the equation? This demand that he be perfect? Nobody's perfect...
And that's what scares me away from a relationship at all. And it doesn't help seeing my parents argue nonstop almost...any time they talk to each other they disagree. And they SUCK at talking things out like reasonable adults.
Now, he and I, we're not like that...he's really good at talking things out, more so than me, even. But it's all so intimidating. And then, of course, I'm always holding back, because that's what I'm used to doing. It's how I protect myself.
But my parents both like him so much...there's talk of moving to his state, and my dad even would trust him to have the keys to the house we'll buy until we actually move down there, and my dad trusts no one.
My mom loves him like a son, so much that she gets teary-eyed when she talks about him. He's a perfect gentleman, and respects limits...that's how he was raised.
And he's liked me for 5 years, and been totally unobtrusive about it until he finally made me talk about a possible future together...since I'm graduating soon and I did promise him maybe four years ago that I'd consider it once graduation came up.
I'm painting the picture of a perfect guy, aren't I?
Then why is this all so complicated?
AH. Life. Wherefore art thou....life?
because I'm afraid of leaving a paper trail to be followed
But I can't keep these things bottled up inside my head anymore or else I might go insane.
There's so much going on in my life at once...and I don't know how to cope with all of it. My mom is sick, I have to apply to graduate school and take the GRE...and maybe we'll move...and it's me doing all the "looking at the houses."
I'm trying to sort out my feelings in a relationship and see where it goes but my feelings are getting ahead of my brain and scaring the crap out of me.
I didn't take my final exam in the summer course I was taking and got an incomplete and need a doctor's note to be allowed to take a make-up, but the doctor can't see me until monday. And now I called the doctor's office and there's no one answering, and the "voice mailbox has not been activated."
Que?
Yo no comprende.
I also withdrew from the other summer course I was taking.
I have to return one of my pets to the pet shop because he's a bully, and he's been raping my other guinea piggy, and my friend wants me to go with her to Six Flags tomorrow...
I'm mainly broke...
I need to call the department that I'll be volunteering with at the hospital to schedule an interview and then figure out which date exactly is the orientation...
I'll be starting work again in three days...
Do you see just how much stuff is going on at once in my head? And it's all vastly different. Not to mention that I need to study for my GRE, and more pressingly, study for this make-up final which I am fretting about.
I'm not sure whether I feel better yet by writing it down..perhaps I do...
Now I need to vent about this friendship/what-else thing... My mom pointed out about God and how if anyone is not a rock-solid Christian then I have no business considering a relationship with them. But um, hello... I AM NOT (unfortunately) a rock- solid christian. I've got loads of work to do on my own relationship with God...how can I make those demands from someone else?
It seems hypocritical. And I AM trying to do it right...I really am. I'm keeping my distance when we're around each other (which is practically never...he lives like three states away) and keeping our conversation chaste...
I already made it clear where I stand with the no-sex-before-marriage thing...I don't need to go down that road again. I messed up enough. And he's cool with that.
Why why why are we adding this next level into the equation? This demand that he be perfect? Nobody's perfect...
And that's what scares me away from a relationship at all. And it doesn't help seeing my parents argue nonstop almost...any time they talk to each other they disagree. And they SUCK at talking things out like reasonable adults.
Now, he and I, we're not like that...he's really good at talking things out, more so than me, even. But it's all so intimidating. And then, of course, I'm always holding back, because that's what I'm used to doing. It's how I protect myself.
But my parents both like him so much...there's talk of moving to his state, and my dad even would trust him to have the keys to the house we'll buy until we actually move down there, and my dad trusts no one.
My mom loves him like a son, so much that she gets teary-eyed when she talks about him. He's a perfect gentleman, and respects limits...that's how he was raised.
And he's liked me for 5 years, and been totally unobtrusive about it until he finally made me talk about a possible future together...since I'm graduating soon and I did promise him maybe four years ago that I'd consider it once graduation came up.
I'm painting the picture of a perfect guy, aren't I?
Then why is this all so complicated?
AH. Life. Wherefore art thou....life?
Thursday, August 16, 2012
untitled because of confusion
I'm so torn...
I want to do this right. I really do.
And if all else fails, we promised we'd stay friends, right?
Why do so many doubts have to keep coming in? Nothing worth it is ever easy, right?
Maybe I just let myself get discouraged too easily.
If I really want it, I have to keep trying.
I want to do this right. I really do.
And if all else fails, we promised we'd stay friends, right?
Why do so many doubts have to keep coming in? Nothing worth it is ever easy, right?
Maybe I just let myself get discouraged too easily.
If I really want it, I have to keep trying.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
I've got so many plans for myself (style-wise) once I move out.
I'm going to finish that piece on my side, and I'm going to get my cartilage pierced.
I've realized that I love tattoos. I love the idea of having a PICTURE on my body. Art. It's so cool. And I love the one I have now.
Also, when I move out (which in my head, at the moment, means when I go away to graduate school), I'm going to get the "I write my world" tatt on my right wrist (in typewriter font). I'm also going to get my cross - EKG tattoo on my left wrist.
For my 25th birthday, I want the drum sticks with the red ribbon on my upper left arm.
Oh. I also plan to take up ballet and breakdancing.
On my own first, that way when I go into a class I won't be so awkward and lost.
Back to the tattoos. I found a drawing on tumblr that was amazing, and I want it as a full back piece, but I want to mesh it with the guitar neck that I want going down my back...it's a skeleton with flowers and moths as part of it. But I want a tatt artist to design the neck of the guitar like bone, and make the whole skeleton into a guitar, and reverse the anatomy of the skeleton, because right now its a front view, which wouldn't make sense on my back.
Ah. Here we are. So..picture it on my entire back, but the back view of the skeleton, and the neck piece somehow extending to be a guitar...I dunno.My neck is not that long, lol. Now that I'm looking at it it needs some tweaking, but I'll find a way to incorporate a guitar. =)
Anyway. Time for bed. It's 2am. Got class at 10:30....blechh.
Good night!!
I'm going to finish that piece on my side, and I'm going to get my cartilage pierced.
I've realized that I love tattoos. I love the idea of having a PICTURE on my body. Art. It's so cool. And I love the one I have now.
Also, when I move out (which in my head, at the moment, means when I go away to graduate school), I'm going to get the "I write my world" tatt on my right wrist (in typewriter font). I'm also going to get my cross - EKG tattoo on my left wrist.
For my 25th birthday, I want the drum sticks with the red ribbon on my upper left arm.
Oh. I also plan to take up ballet and breakdancing.
On my own first, that way when I go into a class I won't be so awkward and lost.
Back to the tattoos. I found a drawing on tumblr that was amazing, and I want it as a full back piece, but I want to mesh it with the guitar neck that I want going down my back...it's a skeleton with flowers and moths as part of it. But I want a tatt artist to design the neck of the guitar like bone, and make the whole skeleton into a guitar, and reverse the anatomy of the skeleton, because right now its a front view, which wouldn't make sense on my back.
Anyway. Time for bed. It's 2am. Got class at 10:30....blechh.
Good night!!
Ah, revisions....revisions....
So...maybe...we have to do this a little differently. I talked over my schedule change with my friend and she pointed out (which I didn't know) that the lab I'll be taking has 15 page lab reports each week.
Um. That's a lot.
How do I balance that with 3 journalism classes? And Mammalian? Yeah.
So now I'm thinking maybe push the journalism classes over into the spring.
But I have no more money for the spring. I've been in college too darn long. The only loans I have left to take out are unsubsidized, which means that they accrue interest while I'm still in school. The ones I have so far, the government covers the interest until I'm no longer enrolled.
I COULD go back to paying out of pocket, which is what my dad was doing for a long time before, but I hate to put that pressure back on him. Gosh. I don't know what to do.
No. I DO know what to do. I'll figure this out, so help me God.
Okay. Say the journalism classes are offered in the spring. I take my two bio classes this fall, focus on them, ace them, have time to volunteer in the hospital and maybe shadow in a lab. I write for the school newspaper.
Then there's the winter break. What then? Need money. Hm. *sigh* Maybe I can get a winter internship? That pays? I also need to take the GRE. And apply to grad schools, because their deadlines are January 15th.
Which means that I'd better get to know my professors real well....recommendation letters. Jeesh. The programs I want to apply to are ones that I want to have the journalism classes for. This is confusing. Okay. Trying to picture it all out in my head. . . .Oh gosh. I just remembered I have a physics lab report due friday. And I think I have to pack tonight because I heard my friend say she was leaving right after class tomorrow. JESUS WHO INVENTED MONEY??? IT'S SO INCONVENIENT WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH!!!!!! I need another train ticket.
*major sigh*
Back to planning. Suppose I now graduate in May '13. I'd need to start grad school asap so that I could defer my loans. And still work at the same time. I'm looking at out of state schools, which means out of state tuition. And perhaps room/board. Unless I could rent somewhere for cheaper. But then there's food/transportation to consider.
I can't wait for the journalism classes to be done with before applying to grad school. That definitely won't work. I need....to......just state in my applications that by the time I graduate I will have...thing...um. Those classes under my belt. But they require writing samples in the applications. Which have to be published. That's why I need to write for the statesman. And look into perhaps writing for a magazine or newspaper. In that case I don't need money....I just need published work.
Ah. I should just go to sleep and plan this out more later. But I'm not tired. I'm hungry.
Buggar.
Um. That's a lot.
How do I balance that with 3 journalism classes? And Mammalian? Yeah.
So now I'm thinking maybe push the journalism classes over into the spring.
But I have no more money for the spring. I've been in college too darn long. The only loans I have left to take out are unsubsidized, which means that they accrue interest while I'm still in school. The ones I have so far, the government covers the interest until I'm no longer enrolled.
I COULD go back to paying out of pocket, which is what my dad was doing for a long time before, but I hate to put that pressure back on him. Gosh. I don't know what to do.
No. I DO know what to do. I'll figure this out, so help me God.
Okay. Say the journalism classes are offered in the spring. I take my two bio classes this fall, focus on them, ace them, have time to volunteer in the hospital and maybe shadow in a lab. I write for the school newspaper.
Then there's the winter break. What then? Need money. Hm. *sigh* Maybe I can get a winter internship? That pays? I also need to take the GRE. And apply to grad schools, because their deadlines are January 15th.
Which means that I'd better get to know my professors real well....recommendation letters. Jeesh. The programs I want to apply to are ones that I want to have the journalism classes for. This is confusing. Okay. Trying to picture it all out in my head. . . .Oh gosh. I just remembered I have a physics lab report due friday. And I think I have to pack tonight because I heard my friend say she was leaving right after class tomorrow. JESUS WHO INVENTED MONEY??? IT'S SO INCONVENIENT WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH!!!!!! I need another train ticket.
*major sigh*
Back to planning. Suppose I now graduate in May '13. I'd need to start grad school asap so that I could defer my loans. And still work at the same time. I'm looking at out of state schools, which means out of state tuition. And perhaps room/board. Unless I could rent somewhere for cheaper. But then there's food/transportation to consider.
I can't wait for the journalism classes to be done with before applying to grad school. That definitely won't work. I need....to......just state in my applications that by the time I graduate I will have...thing...um. Those classes under my belt. But they require writing samples in the applications. Which have to be published. That's why I need to write for the statesman. And look into perhaps writing for a magazine or newspaper. In that case I don't need money....I just need published work.
Ah. I should just go to sleep and plan this out more later. But I'm not tired. I'm hungry.
Buggar.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Career choices?
I'm a bio major.
English minor.
Lover of science and writing.
Why not combine the two?
I just signed up for three journalism classes for the fall semester......and have been researching masters degrees in science writing.
It sounds quite promising....and the extra classes offer me a chance to better my GPA even further before I graduate.
I sooooo want a 3.0.
I CAN DO IT.
I WILL DO IT.
Science writing offers me the opportunity to travel in my career field if I want to, and to always learn new things without necessarily having to apply it to a life or death situation...without having to memorize things, and since I've recently discovered that I need to write to survive, that problem is taken care of too.
LIFE IS AWESOME.
Oh. And matters of the heart are at stake too. But that's something I'd rather not actually write about.
English minor.
Lover of science and writing.
Why not combine the two?
I just signed up for three journalism classes for the fall semester......and have been researching masters degrees in science writing.
It sounds quite promising....and the extra classes offer me a chance to better my GPA even further before I graduate.
I sooooo want a 3.0.
I CAN DO IT.
I WILL DO IT.
Science writing offers me the opportunity to travel in my career field if I want to, and to always learn new things without necessarily having to apply it to a life or death situation...without having to memorize things, and since I've recently discovered that I need to write to survive, that problem is taken care of too.
LIFE IS AWESOME.
Oh. And matters of the heart are at stake too. But that's something I'd rather not actually write about.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Rants and rambles about life....or the lack of it.
Why am I still doing this?
Why am I doing what I have to?
I don't want to.
I want to do what I want to do.
I want to do what's fun, and interesting, and non-obligatory.
I've always had a problem with people telling me what to do...I'll do it, I just don't like the process of being told to do something.
I want to do things because I can, or because I feel like it. Not because I absolutely have to because some stupid grade or deadline depends on it.
I should run away and go live in the forest.
Or just be a gypsy or something. What are gypsies anyway?
Why does everything turn into work?
If you write, and get a company to work for with writing, boom. You have deadlines that loom over you like 100 story buildings that block out the sun.
What about being an artist? Why can't I just roam the world? Because I'd have to take trains and airplanes and buses or some nonsense like that, and the people who operate them are constrained to these small minded things like getting a paycheck at the end of the week.
Who invented money, anyway?
It's annoying. You need money for everything.
The freakin' internet costs money...heck, my laptop that I'm typing on right now cost money...a pretty penny, too.
It's still not even paid for fully.
Am I just bum-like and lazy?
Why am I tied into science? It's interesting, but I hate, hate, HATE having to memorize stuff or all this...ugh!
Here's what happened. Ever since I was about six, I wanted to be a veterinarian. Then I hit middle school, took a pre-nursing class as an elective, and got utterly engrossed in neuroscience. I decided I wanted to be a neurosurgeon.
That stuck with me through high school, and when I started college, don't get me started on the advisors. They didn't give me any help at all. They just said, hey, you can major in dance, if you like, as long as you take the prerequisite science courses for med school.
No telling me to volunteer or get research experience, or suggestions for shadowing or anything.
Piss me off.
So I proceeded to go through five and a half years of college, about halfway through starting to seriously doubt whether I was cut out for medicine.
My mom didn't let me quit, bless her heart. She only had my best intentions at heart. But at that point, it would still have been early enough for me to explore other options; for me to change my major...maybe to dance. Not really. But still. I could have started looking at other careers and course offerings rather than isolating myself to science, and now I still don't have the hands-on experience I need to even get a decent internship or whatever because everyone wants experience, but you have to have experience to get experience.
It's a vicious cycle.
Now I finally decided to not totally change my career, but I'm not doing med school, I decided I wanted to do research.
Now I'm not sure if I can do research, cause my gpa (stupid thing) isn't quite up to par for that.
Piss me off, again.
I'm looking into science writing now. Seems cool....and it does offer the opportunity to travel if you decide to become a science journalist.
I'm also needing to really consider employment after graduation. *sigh*
The ONE advisor I went to who trumped all the others at my school (a lovely lady) suggested that I look into paid student conservation internships.
That actually seems promising.
And I'd get to travel America.
What if I decided I want to work in conservation? So what if it's not neuroscience?
My dad mentioned that he's worried that I don't know what I want to do with my life.
Looky here. He wanted to be a soldier when he was my age. He would have been, but he got sick. (long story...his brother poisoned him. Yeah.)
He's not doing that now, but like, why do I have to have my mind made up? Actually, how can I be EXPECTED to have my mind made up when I don't even know what's out there?
The good advisor lady also suggested working for a museum or as a child life specialist, since I like children. (But I don't like to see children suffer, so probably not the latter). But if I work for a museum, wouldn't I be tied down to one spot? Like, forever? Unless they wanted me to like, transport their materials, but I might have to have had a major in art or art history for that. I dunno.
*sigh*
I should have done archaeology. Heck no. That'd mean memorizing dates.
I should have been an art major. Or music. But I think I had to audition for music, or maybe not. Good God, I don't know what I want to do with my life, but I know I want it to involve traveling and sightseeing. And something creative or ....informative.
Maybe I'm just selfish and unrealistic.
But is that so bad?
Yea, it probably is. I also want to go to Kenya. I want to work in their Abandoned Baby Center there.....it's a year commitment, and I don't mind that at all.
But then I worry about my family.
And now, what about this whole moving to Norway thing? If I get a job here, it would look bad on my resume if I just up and leave.
Wait.
But if I'm just doing a year's paid internship, then.....when it's done I could go wherever, right? Or just do more internships with them.
Great big sigh. I found a job listing on craigslist for a new business looking for a proofreader/editor, who would get paid either $20/hr or per work edited.
I sent them an email.
I hope to God that I get that position/opportunity.
Okay. I've gotta go now, but oh boy oh boy oh boy... (that's fun to type. It only requires one hand)....I'm tired of school.
I really am.
Why am I doing what I have to?
I don't want to.
I want to do what I want to do.
I want to do what's fun, and interesting, and non-obligatory.
I've always had a problem with people telling me what to do...I'll do it, I just don't like the process of being told to do something.
I want to do things because I can, or because I feel like it. Not because I absolutely have to because some stupid grade or deadline depends on it.
I should run away and go live in the forest.
Or just be a gypsy or something. What are gypsies anyway?
Why does everything turn into work?
If you write, and get a company to work for with writing, boom. You have deadlines that loom over you like 100 story buildings that block out the sun.
What about being an artist? Why can't I just roam the world? Because I'd have to take trains and airplanes and buses or some nonsense like that, and the people who operate them are constrained to these small minded things like getting a paycheck at the end of the week.
Who invented money, anyway?
It's annoying. You need money for everything.
The freakin' internet costs money...heck, my laptop that I'm typing on right now cost money...a pretty penny, too.
It's still not even paid for fully.
Am I just bum-like and lazy?
Why am I tied into science? It's interesting, but I hate, hate, HATE having to memorize stuff or all this...ugh!
Here's what happened. Ever since I was about six, I wanted to be a veterinarian. Then I hit middle school, took a pre-nursing class as an elective, and got utterly engrossed in neuroscience. I decided I wanted to be a neurosurgeon.
That stuck with me through high school, and when I started college, don't get me started on the advisors. They didn't give me any help at all. They just said, hey, you can major in dance, if you like, as long as you take the prerequisite science courses for med school.
No telling me to volunteer or get research experience, or suggestions for shadowing or anything.
Piss me off.
So I proceeded to go through five and a half years of college, about halfway through starting to seriously doubt whether I was cut out for medicine.
My mom didn't let me quit, bless her heart. She only had my best intentions at heart. But at that point, it would still have been early enough for me to explore other options; for me to change my major...maybe to dance. Not really. But still. I could have started looking at other careers and course offerings rather than isolating myself to science, and now I still don't have the hands-on experience I need to even get a decent internship or whatever because everyone wants experience, but you have to have experience to get experience.
It's a vicious cycle.
Now I finally decided to not totally change my career, but I'm not doing med school, I decided I wanted to do research.
Now I'm not sure if I can do research, cause my gpa (stupid thing) isn't quite up to par for that.
Piss me off, again.
I'm looking into science writing now. Seems cool....and it does offer the opportunity to travel if you decide to become a science journalist.
I'm also needing to really consider employment after graduation. *sigh*
The ONE advisor I went to who trumped all the others at my school (a lovely lady) suggested that I look into paid student conservation internships.
That actually seems promising.
And I'd get to travel America.
What if I decided I want to work in conservation? So what if it's not neuroscience?
My dad mentioned that he's worried that I don't know what I want to do with my life.
Looky here. He wanted to be a soldier when he was my age. He would have been, but he got sick. (long story...his brother poisoned him. Yeah.)
He's not doing that now, but like, why do I have to have my mind made up? Actually, how can I be EXPECTED to have my mind made up when I don't even know what's out there?
The good advisor lady also suggested working for a museum or as a child life specialist, since I like children. (But I don't like to see children suffer, so probably not the latter). But if I work for a museum, wouldn't I be tied down to one spot? Like, forever? Unless they wanted me to like, transport their materials, but I might have to have had a major in art or art history for that. I dunno.
*sigh*
I should have done archaeology. Heck no. That'd mean memorizing dates.
I should have been an art major. Or music. But I think I had to audition for music, or maybe not. Good God, I don't know what I want to do with my life, but I know I want it to involve traveling and sightseeing. And something creative or ....informative.
Maybe I'm just selfish and unrealistic.
But is that so bad?
Yea, it probably is. I also want to go to Kenya. I want to work in their Abandoned Baby Center there.....it's a year commitment, and I don't mind that at all.
But then I worry about my family.
And now, what about this whole moving to Norway thing? If I get a job here, it would look bad on my resume if I just up and leave.
Wait.
But if I'm just doing a year's paid internship, then.....when it's done I could go wherever, right? Or just do more internships with them.
Great big sigh. I found a job listing on craigslist for a new business looking for a proofreader/editor, who would get paid either $20/hr or per work edited.
I sent them an email.
I hope to God that I get that position/opportunity.
Okay. I've gotta go now, but oh boy oh boy oh boy... (that's fun to type. It only requires one hand)....I'm tired of school.
I really am.
plans
I'm studying for a quiz and a midterm....
and I have this insatiable need to CLIMB.
Not like climb the walls....like, literally climb. A tree. Or a collection of metal rods. Or over a fence. Or up onto a roof.
Ah. If only....if we lived in a place like I grew up in, with a flat roof and actual access to it, I would totally do my homework on the roof every single day. It would be so lovely.
When I finally settle down (and I say finally, because I intend to travel the entire world first) I'm going to build a jungle gym in my backyard. With a swing set. And mind you, it's not for the kids.
*sigh*
I don't think human-kind was meant to sit in houses, or small cubicle-like offices, in front of glaring computer screens or scratching computations onto pieces of paper all day long.
We were meant to roam the jungle and the desert and climb the mountains and till the land. Seriously.
Where do we come from acting all high and mighty in a suit and tie? Or, god forbid, HEELS?
What can you do in that? Except look better than somebody else. But that's not the point of life. Honestly, when I see someone looking like they got their hands dirty from working in the sun or showcasing a unique style that isn't that "cookie-cutter-perfect-everyone-looks-the-same" fashion, I love it.
And I think they look better than the stereotypes.
In summary,
I need to climb something. And the ladder to my bed just isn't cutting it lately.
Monday, July 9, 2012
First Day....indeed. (of those heavy duty classes...and typical first day luck)
So I just fell off my longboard and scratched my knee cause I hit a particularly large crack in the sidewalk.
Really, you'd think with the $15 million dollar grant my school just got they'd have a little spare change and a little common sense to tackle the small things like, oh. Maybe have a smooth,even surface for walking on? Or skating on?
Nah.
They're building more dorms, so they can get even more money.
Blah.
Anyway, my longboard went back in the opposite direction (laws of physics there...how ironic. I just got out of physics lecture) and a guy was kind enough to kick it back to me. =)
Then when I got up and dusted off my dignity another guy from across the ...what do you call it? It's sort of a courtyard...called out to me and asked whether I was okay.
I was. . .I am. I said as much, and he was satisfied. That was kind of him....but utterly embarassing for me. >_<
So then after taking a detour through the Student Activities Center (We call it the SAC for short..like, "sack") so that no one would see me try to ride the instrument of doom any farther, I came out on the opposite side of the SAC and headed for the library, all the while thinking that for the rest of the summer I'm not going to wear my hair in the gigantic, unrestrained afro that it's in today....because everyone would be sure to recognize me for it and go "hey, that's that tall girl who fell off her longboard the other day...gee, she should learn to ride."
All these thoughts were swirling in my mind, and threatening to shrink me down to the size of a garden gnome in mortification. If only that were possible....
Anyway, as I was crossing the Academic Mall to get to the library (where I could wallow in shame and tend to my scraped knee), a white girl in a long, flowing maxi dress walked by me, looked me directly in the eyes, and with a huge smile on her face, said "I LOVE your hair!"
(Inner squealing time)
I grinned, of course, and thanked her sincerely....but I am in just...wow. Like, wow. Utter amazement.
She wasn't some geeky, outcast sci-fi nerd member of society....this girl looked like she had stepped off the cover of some magazine...HER hair reached halfway down her back and was in medium sized natural ringlets...but of course, like most Caucasian hair....not poofy.
Why is this such a big deal to me, you might ask?
Because. That's the first EVER affirmation/compliment I have EVER received from a white (or Caucasian, to be politically correct) person about my hair in its natural state. Except for my mother, but she doesn't count. She's supposed to say things like that.
Talk about a boost of self-esteem? I don't know, I've been having a sort of identity crisis lately...up until only two semesters ago I was utterly bewitched by the conformist media nonsense that led me to believe that everyone ought to have long, flowing hair...and that gigantic poofy afros were unkempt and untidy.
Un-beautiful.
But lately I've begun to embrace my poofiness, but still, it's bothered me whether I would be accepted this way by the white half of my blood. Like if I were to move to Norway, which I want to do.
Sure, I've gotten a lot of compliments for my hair, but it's mainly been from...well...ONLY been from blacks.
I go to a mostly Indian church (Guyanese indian), and a lot of the people there have teased me about my hair or told me I need to do something to tame it.
I fell for it for several years.
Need I mention I eventually rebelled and wore it as big as I could just to rub it in their faces?
But still, it's a big deal to me, anyway, to have had my hair validated by someone other than my mother....and of her race.
It shouldn't matter, I know, but the world is the way it is. We have racial stereotypes and problems, and growing up in a society completely affected by that, as a biracial individual at that....how should I not care?
Maybe one day I will learn.
But for now........I feel special.
~Cahryn K.
Really, you'd think with the $15 million dollar grant my school just got they'd have a little spare change and a little common sense to tackle the small things like, oh. Maybe have a smooth,even surface for walking on? Or skating on?
Nah.
They're building more dorms, so they can get even more money.
Blah.
Anyway, my longboard went back in the opposite direction (laws of physics there...how ironic. I just got out of physics lecture) and a guy was kind enough to kick it back to me. =)
Then when I got up and dusted off my dignity another guy from across the ...what do you call it? It's sort of a courtyard...called out to me and asked whether I was okay.
I was. . .I am. I said as much, and he was satisfied. That was kind of him....but utterly embarassing for me. >_<
So then after taking a detour through the Student Activities Center (We call it the SAC for short..like, "sack") so that no one would see me try to ride the instrument of doom any farther, I came out on the opposite side of the SAC and headed for the library, all the while thinking that for the rest of the summer I'm not going to wear my hair in the gigantic, unrestrained afro that it's in today....because everyone would be sure to recognize me for it and go "hey, that's that tall girl who fell off her longboard the other day...gee, she should learn to ride."
All these thoughts were swirling in my mind, and threatening to shrink me down to the size of a garden gnome in mortification. If only that were possible....
Anyway, as I was crossing the Academic Mall to get to the library (where I could wallow in shame and tend to my scraped knee), a white girl in a long, flowing maxi dress walked by me, looked me directly in the eyes, and with a huge smile on her face, said "I LOVE your hair!"
(Inner squealing time)
I grinned, of course, and thanked her sincerely....but I am in just...wow. Like, wow. Utter amazement.
She wasn't some geeky, outcast sci-fi nerd member of society....this girl looked like she had stepped off the cover of some magazine...HER hair reached halfway down her back and was in medium sized natural ringlets...but of course, like most Caucasian hair....not poofy.
Why is this such a big deal to me, you might ask?
Because. That's the first EVER affirmation/compliment I have EVER received from a white (or Caucasian, to be politically correct) person about my hair in its natural state. Except for my mother, but she doesn't count. She's supposed to say things like that.
Talk about a boost of self-esteem? I don't know, I've been having a sort of identity crisis lately...up until only two semesters ago I was utterly bewitched by the conformist media nonsense that led me to believe that everyone ought to have long, flowing hair...and that gigantic poofy afros were unkempt and untidy.
Un-beautiful.
But lately I've begun to embrace my poofiness, but still, it's bothered me whether I would be accepted this way by the white half of my blood. Like if I were to move to Norway, which I want to do.
Sure, I've gotten a lot of compliments for my hair, but it's mainly been from...well...ONLY been from blacks.
I go to a mostly Indian church (Guyanese indian), and a lot of the people there have teased me about my hair or told me I need to do something to tame it.
I fell for it for several years.
Need I mention I eventually rebelled and wore it as big as I could just to rub it in their faces?
But still, it's a big deal to me, anyway, to have had my hair validated by someone other than my mother....and of her race.
It shouldn't matter, I know, but the world is the way it is. We have racial stereotypes and problems, and growing up in a society completely affected by that, as a biracial individual at that....how should I not care?
Maybe one day I will learn.
But for now........I feel special.
~Cahryn K.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
=(
I had an awful dream last night.
It must've come from re-reading all those poems I'd written over the years for different boys I'd liked...I never knew I wrote so many...for boys. Eww.
Anyway, I came across one from my ex...
And ended up dreaming about him.
*sigh*
I never knew I was still so hurt by him. Why is it always like that? Why do they have to hurt us?
The dream was that he actually moved in across the street from me, with his fiancée. I don't know if he has one in real life or not. I shouldn't care. But in the dream, it hurt so bad. I woke up with an actual pain in my chest...a throbbing ache...and it wasn't just any ol' chest pain.
It was the kind you can only get from having your heart broken. You probably know the difference, too.
He was talking to me, in the dream, and I don't know, somehow I ended up inside his apartment and he introduced me to the girl...and I couldn't even hate her if I tried, because she was just so nice. I don't know how he ever would have ended up with her.
I don't think I want to write down the details of the dream because I'm pretty sure I won't want to look back and have to remember them. But we haven't been together for five years, and I haven't spoken to him in all that time either.
Why should a dream throw me so off-kilter?
I told her, in the dream, that I was happy for them and wouldn't want to split them up (she knew I was his ex)...there was a misunderstanding because he was trying to get me to hide the paper that held our conversation on it...weird. We talked out loud, but then everything was scrawled in blue ink on a notebook paper. She tried to get it from me but I wouldn't let her see it.
We had talked, somewhat awkwardly, about our past relationship and caught up to date a little bit on what had been going on, while his wife-to-be had left the room.
I think I'm going to stay away from guys. Like, totally, until I'm done with like, half of my life. It's utterly useless to engross yourself so much in someone only to have it end and then have regrets that sneak up on you half a decade later...when you thought you'd long ago buried them and moved on.
Seriously.
It hurt.
It must've come from re-reading all those poems I'd written over the years for different boys I'd liked...I never knew I wrote so many...for boys. Eww.
Anyway, I came across one from my ex...
And ended up dreaming about him.
*sigh*
I never knew I was still so hurt by him. Why is it always like that? Why do they have to hurt us?
The dream was that he actually moved in across the street from me, with his fiancée. I don't know if he has one in real life or not. I shouldn't care. But in the dream, it hurt so bad. I woke up with an actual pain in my chest...a throbbing ache...and it wasn't just any ol' chest pain.
It was the kind you can only get from having your heart broken. You probably know the difference, too.
He was talking to me, in the dream, and I don't know, somehow I ended up inside his apartment and he introduced me to the girl...and I couldn't even hate her if I tried, because she was just so nice. I don't know how he ever would have ended up with her.
I don't think I want to write down the details of the dream because I'm pretty sure I won't want to look back and have to remember them. But we haven't been together for five years, and I haven't spoken to him in all that time either.
Why should a dream throw me so off-kilter?
I told her, in the dream, that I was happy for them and wouldn't want to split them up (she knew I was his ex)...there was a misunderstanding because he was trying to get me to hide the paper that held our conversation on it...weird. We talked out loud, but then everything was scrawled in blue ink on a notebook paper. She tried to get it from me but I wouldn't let her see it.
We had talked, somewhat awkwardly, about our past relationship and caught up to date a little bit on what had been going on, while his wife-to-be had left the room.
I think I'm going to stay away from guys. Like, totally, until I'm done with like, half of my life. It's utterly useless to engross yourself so much in someone only to have it end and then have regrets that sneak up on you half a decade later...when you thought you'd long ago buried them and moved on.
Seriously.
It hurt.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
The Bronx (an old poem...for Blue)
I am in the Bronx
and it reminds me of
the color purple minus red.
Of course I might not see it
I don't know what section to look in
or even if it would be safe to look
anymore
since March.
But I'm probably on the opposite
side of the borough
and there's no hope at all
Or luck might just so have it
that I'm 5 blocks away
or just around the corner
on Gunhill Road
and as I step out of the store
I see those familiar eyes
perhaps registering shock,
perhaps staring in quiet unrecognition
but nevertheless my heart drops
quickly down
through my vitals into my womb
and spills in a mix of
amniotic fluid and tears
into what creates,
shockingly,
a beautiful puddle on the broken sidewalk
And I can breathe.
and it reminds me of
the color purple minus red.
Of course I might not see it
I don't know what section to look in
or even if it would be safe to look
anymore
since March.
But I'm probably on the opposite
side of the borough
and there's no hope at all
Or luck might just so have it
that I'm 5 blocks away
or just around the corner
on Gunhill Road
and as I step out of the store
I see those familiar eyes
perhaps registering shock,
perhaps staring in quiet unrecognition
but nevertheless my heart drops
quickly down
through my vitals into my womb
and spills in a mix of
amniotic fluid and tears
into what creates,
shockingly,
a beautiful puddle on the broken sidewalk
And I can breathe.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Splendid, unproductive day
So, it's really late now and I have to go to bed (says my mother. I'm not tired.)
But I wanted to write about how...enthused?...I feel. Absolutely enthused. Inspired.
Why?
Because I've discovered a fellow soul. A kindred spirit, as Anne of Green Gables so daintily put it. And I think that's so awesome.
I made a tumblr today, it's pretty cool. I have to get used to how it works, and I want to tweak my page a bit more.
Oh. And I also found a picture for Aria...exactly what she looks like in my head. She's even in a forest scene....I'll post it here ...later.
But I'm thrilled. Utterly thrilled.
My final paper is due tomorrow, officially, but our teacher said we could have the weekend to work on it as long as she had it in her email by midnight on monday...so....I barely have 2 pages done out of the 7-8 she expects.
*sigh*
I intend to work on it tomorrow morning, sitting in my favorite tree on campus. It's lovely, with low, swooping limbs and busy ants that march back and forth across the branches nonstop. It's also very easy to climb up into wearing jeans, and the limbs are poised just so to make a perfect backrest.
And I get to sit there at 8 o'clock in the morning. It's great.
Unless someone sits or stands nearby and smokes, or the fumes from the building construction blow on over there and stifle me.
Both of which have happened.
But lets hope that tomorrow is perfect, no?
*smiles*
Anyway, I just wanted to spill. See you tomorrow, perhaps. =)
But I wanted to write about how...enthused?...I feel. Absolutely enthused. Inspired.
Why?
Because I've discovered a fellow soul. A kindred spirit, as Anne of Green Gables so daintily put it. And I think that's so awesome.
I made a tumblr today, it's pretty cool. I have to get used to how it works, and I want to tweak my page a bit more.
Oh. And I also found a picture for Aria...exactly what she looks like in my head. She's even in a forest scene....I'll post it here ...later.
But I'm thrilled. Utterly thrilled.
My final paper is due tomorrow, officially, but our teacher said we could have the weekend to work on it as long as she had it in her email by midnight on monday...so....I barely have 2 pages done out of the 7-8 she expects.
*sigh*
I intend to work on it tomorrow morning, sitting in my favorite tree on campus. It's lovely, with low, swooping limbs and busy ants that march back and forth across the branches nonstop. It's also very easy to climb up into wearing jeans, and the limbs are poised just so to make a perfect backrest.
And I get to sit there at 8 o'clock in the morning. It's great.
Unless someone sits or stands nearby and smokes, or the fumes from the building construction blow on over there and stifle me.
Both of which have happened.
But lets hope that tomorrow is perfect, no?
*smiles*
Anyway, I just wanted to spill. See you tomorrow, perhaps. =)
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Avatar Dreams
If I lived on my own, I would probably be unreachable by everyone.
I see why some people choose to live their lives in seclusion...hidden behind the mask of an avatar and type font.
Believe me. If I could, I would too.
I see why some people choose to live their lives in seclusion...hidden behind the mask of an avatar and type font.
Believe me. If I could, I would too.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Wanderlust and wonderings
So I'm feeling better lately.
My mom has been sick, she still is, but at least she's getting treatment now...
I'm probably going to ...no... definitely going to be MIA for the next six weeks. I have three hardcore summer classes that I'll be taking; Organic Chemistry, Physics, and Physics lab.
Blechh.
But...I'm determined to do well.
Also, I finally signed up to volunteer at my university hospital.
And changed my career path.
And have reached a new hair-length goal: BRA-STRAP LENGTH!!!
And I'm going to buy a SLR camera, finally. I'm getting a refund from financial aid sometime in the next 3 weeks (hopefully) so I'll actually be able to afford one.
I hope to use it to make some money...
...besides soothe my artistic instincts.
I tried to make a photography blog, but I don't know what really happened with it...it sort of....sat there. Or maybe my internet conked out. I don't remember. But I think it's called purple pixels.
It's floating around here somewhere, with nothing on it. =(
I have to pee. I'll be back.
*five minutes go by*
I'm back. ^_^ Much better. Ahem.
Oh yes! Lovely news. I've stretched my ears two sizes, first from 18g to 16g, and now, a few days ago, from 16g to 14g. ^_^ I'm so happy! I'm finally wearing plugs! Small ones, no doubt, but plugs nonetheless!
Enough exclamation points for now.
I've stumbled across a photography blog by a young girl/mother/artist named Nirrimi...she's literally the embodiment of what I want my life to be like. Here's her page: Wanderlust
I don't know how to reconcile all my desires with my life. I want so much. There's got to be so much more than just going to college, graduating, getting a job, getting married, and having kids and a house.
How boring is that? So what if you're doing something you love?
There's the entire world around you...why wouldn't you go out and travel, and experience it, and see how other people live, and taste other culture's food, and walk barefoot on the beach at sunrise, or hide in a cave in a forest during an impromptu thunderstorm?
I used to want to go to med school. But there was so much pressure with that, and now I can honestly say I don't believe I'm cut out for it. I'm too dreamy. I'm too...artistic. I would stifle with all the stress and responsibility that accompanies that. The years of hard work.
I want to live my life freely. I want to express myself in the clothes I wear, in how I do my hair, in what I choose to put in or on my body, and in what I create.
I love to learn. But not to apply the knowledge.
Heheh. Odd, I suppose. But then...the perfect career for me is.....RESEARCH. Tada!
This is an awfully long blog post, but I need to express myself. After all, that's what blogging is for, right?
Is it wrong that when I see myself falling in love (which I do believe is possible, contrary to what I tell many people) it's not with someone of the african-american race?
Maybe it is wrong. I don't care.
Maybe it's a product of having grown up near/in a ghetto...and just seeing the type of "black male" that such a culture produces. I want nothing of it.
Back to traveling the world. My mother left Norway and moved to America on her own when she was twenty-five, just two years older than I am now. Before that, she had been to Africa and Germany. Is it really my fault that wanderlust runs in my blood?
I want to take a road trip across America and play guitar by a bonfire in the midwest, surrounded by fascinating individuals and laugh up at the stars. I want to dress in jean shorts and cowboy boots, lace tops and 0g plugs.
I want to climb the trees in the Olympian forest of the Northwest, and visit a Native American reservation...heck, I want to live there for a while. I wonder if that's legal.
I want to travel with nothing but a camera and a wallet. I want to own a run down, beat up pick-up truck, in faded blue chipped paint.
But what I don't know for sure is....does all this traveling require money? Do you have to be rich? Or can you just hitchhike? And then comes the problem of the fact that I'm a girl, and it's "not safe" to travel like that.
But I have a friend...one of my best guy friends, who shares the same wanderlust as I do.
Problem numero uno.
He likes me.
Would it really be smart to travel the country alone with him? No.
*sigh*
I have an 8 page paper to do that's due between friday and monday, and it's wednesday evening now.
I ought to sign off and shut up for now.
Thanks for listening. I love you.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
I Am Human
When I take a step
and it bleeds false
When I tread a path
and it shatters my pulse
When the vines of the forest
wrap around my heart
And all that I clutch
is being torn apart
When I slip on the mud
sink knee-deep in the clay
Remind me to look up and say
I am human
and humans tend to forget
Your love
I am human
and humans tend to forget
Your love
When I see the beauty
in another's life
When I look at my own
so filled up with strife
When the thorn in my side
digs deep and I cry
And I tangle and fall
still asking "why?"
While the rain still falls
and blinds my way
Remind me to look up and say
I am human
and humans tend to forget
Your love
I am human
and humans tend to forget
Your love
I can't always see
the path before me
Or who You've intended
for me to be
But sometimes the rain
washes clear my eyes
And the sound I hear
is a beautiful sigh
Instead of asking "why?"
it whispers "hey..."
I'll remind you to look up and say
You are human
and humans tend to forget
My love
You are human
and humans tend to forget
My love
and it bleeds false
When I tread a path
and it shatters my pulse
When the vines of the forest
wrap around my heart
And all that I clutch
is being torn apart
When I slip on the mud
sink knee-deep in the clay
Remind me to look up and say
I am human
and humans tend to forget
Your love
I am human
and humans tend to forget
Your love
When I see the beauty
in another's life
When I look at my own
so filled up with strife
When the thorn in my side
digs deep and I cry
And I tangle and fall
still asking "why?"
While the rain still falls
and blinds my way
Remind me to look up and say
I am human
and humans tend to forget
Your love
I am human
and humans tend to forget
Your love
I can't always see
the path before me
Or who You've intended
for me to be
But sometimes the rain
washes clear my eyes
And the sound I hear
is a beautiful sigh
Instead of asking "why?"
it whispers "hey..."
I'll remind you to look up and say
You are human
and humans tend to forget
My love
You are human
and humans tend to forget
My love
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
So I have a few hobbies.
Drawing. Writing. Photography. Playing the drums and guitar...and piano.
But why does it seem like I don't have any? Is it because I'm not taking the time to actually develop any of them? I'm still an amateur at most? It's all raw talent. I want to refine it, but don't know how......
My mother says practice makes perfect. I know that's true...I just want to ...I just. I just. I hate saying "I just."
It sounds like an excuse. A lame one at that.
Off topic. I finished the Hunger Games series, and it was excellent, but the problem is that it's not the sort of series that I'd read again and again. It's too....deep. It needs to be revisited every few months, perhaps. But not right over again.
So now I'm fiending for a new book series to read. Maybe I could start out with The Clockwork Angel...but I'd have to buy it. Don't want to do that.
I'm taking my last english course for my minor over the summer...and I'll have plenty of reading (and writing) to do for that. We're studying Oscar Wilde....who is like, the mostest famousest author I've ever heard of.
Okay. Not really.
I don't remember why he's famous, but personally, my favorite writer is Ralph Waldo Emerson.
The man was a genius.
Either way, this post is more of a stream of consciousness than an actual blog entry...so if you can't follow or keep up, that's perfectly fine. I probably won't be able to when I look back in a few months.
Many hugs and kisses.
Cahryn K.
Drawing. Writing. Photography. Playing the drums and guitar...and piano.
But why does it seem like I don't have any? Is it because I'm not taking the time to actually develop any of them? I'm still an amateur at most? It's all raw talent. I want to refine it, but don't know how......
My mother says practice makes perfect. I know that's true...I just want to ...I just. I just. I hate saying "I just."
It sounds like an excuse. A lame one at that.
Off topic. I finished the Hunger Games series, and it was excellent, but the problem is that it's not the sort of series that I'd read again and again. It's too....deep. It needs to be revisited every few months, perhaps. But not right over again.
So now I'm fiending for a new book series to read. Maybe I could start out with The Clockwork Angel...but I'd have to buy it. Don't want to do that.
I'm taking my last english course for my minor over the summer...and I'll have plenty of reading (and writing) to do for that. We're studying Oscar Wilde....who is like, the mostest famousest author I've ever heard of.
Okay. Not really.
I don't remember why he's famous, but personally, my favorite writer is Ralph Waldo Emerson.
The man was a genius.
Either way, this post is more of a stream of consciousness than an actual blog entry...so if you can't follow or keep up, that's perfectly fine. I probably won't be able to when I look back in a few months.
Many hugs and kisses.
Cahryn K.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Summer Goals
I need to start writing again.
If I don't, I may wither away and disappear.
This summer, I will engage all my creative faculties....I will write poetry, I will create music and learn the piano better, as well as the guitar. I will write stories.
I will write songs.
I will write my world, one day at a time, out of sugar and ink, ice cubes and musical notes.
I will live.
If I don't, I may wither away and disappear.
This summer, I will engage all my creative faculties....I will write poetry, I will create music and learn the piano better, as well as the guitar. I will write stories.
I will write songs.
I will write my world, one day at a time, out of sugar and ink, ice cubes and musical notes.
I will live.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Secrets
I fear
I dream
I fight
myself
I wish
I hope
I burn
within
I think
I cry
I despair
sometimes
I run
I fall
I succumb
often
I want
to be
someone else
than me
but I want
that someone else
to truly
be me
I take
I take
I take
then give
I feel
more than
I see
in life
I lie
I hate
I smile
and fake
just
because
the truth
is hard
I keep
it here
my untold
angst
I want
to be
the one
who's free
I dream
I fight
myself
I wish
I hope
I burn
within
I think
I cry
I despair
sometimes
I run
I fall
I succumb
often
I want
to be
someone else
than me
but I want
that someone else
to truly
be me
I take
I take
I take
then give
I feel
more than
I see
in life
I lie
I hate
I smile
and fake
just
because
the truth
is hard
I keep
it here
my untold
angst
I want
to be
the one
who's free
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Just another...
Just another picture...just another day.....still me.
let there be love...
~Cahryn K.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Let there be love - Oasis
suspended clear in the sky
are the words that we sing in our dreams
let there be love
are the words that we sing in our dreams
let there be love
=)
I'm going to go study...just now. Really, I am.
I just want to talk a little bit. I'm in such a good mood it's lovely. I'm listening to Pandora radio and I have it on a station I call my Civil Twilight station. I once downloaded a free song by them from iTunes and loved their style, so now I'm listening to all sorts of music that's similar.
I call it my mellow-happy music.
You know, since I'm staying on campus and all that, I think it may actually be a good thing. I mean, my mom's not well right now, and I hate that I can't be there with her all the time. Definitley. I hate that.
But since I'm on my own, (not fully, of course; I go home every weekend for church and to be with my family) I find myself more and more.
Like, literally find myself. Who I am, and what I do in the face of pressure and the like. What sort of things I really like: types of music, how I want to dress...the dressing is a big one, because when I'm home, my mom doesn't approve of certain things I'd like to wear, and I have to worry about..oh, I don't know, trying to get past her out of the door, haha.
Since I'm spending the weeks away, I have to make most of my decisions on my own, without getting a chance to get input from my family, and I'm learning the consequences of not making wise choices (like perhaps writing this blog before memorizing the muscles in the mink when my lab practical is tomorrow afternoon). But it's a learning process >_<.
I just love where I'm at right now, in my life.
What really cemented it for me was a small thing, but it was a big deal to me. I bought a longboard the other day ($260). When my parents came up to my campus on saturday for the event my club was having (a Hair Expo), I rode it to go and meet them at the train station. I was afraid they would be upset with me, especially when they found out how much it cost. But although they pointed out that they wished I had paid off a few more bills first, my dad said that he wasn't upset with me for having bought it. He explained that it was up to me to do what I thought was necessary and best for myself, and well.....
I just felt so much better. It's such a nice feeling to grow into oneself, especially coming from a super-overprotective family like I have. All my life I haven't been able to make my own decisions, but now that I am, I think I love it.
Anyhow. Speaking of wise decisions, let me go now and study for my practical. That's what responsibility is all about, right?
*smiles*
let there be love,
~Cahryn K.
I'm going to go study...just now. Really, I am.
I just want to talk a little bit. I'm in such a good mood it's lovely. I'm listening to Pandora radio and I have it on a station I call my Civil Twilight station. I once downloaded a free song by them from iTunes and loved their style, so now I'm listening to all sorts of music that's similar.
I call it my mellow-happy music.
You know, since I'm staying on campus and all that, I think it may actually be a good thing. I mean, my mom's not well right now, and I hate that I can't be there with her all the time. Definitley. I hate that.
But since I'm on my own, (not fully, of course; I go home every weekend for church and to be with my family) I find myself more and more.
Like, literally find myself. Who I am, and what I do in the face of pressure and the like. What sort of things I really like: types of music, how I want to dress...the dressing is a big one, because when I'm home, my mom doesn't approve of certain things I'd like to wear, and I have to worry about..oh, I don't know, trying to get past her out of the door, haha.
Since I'm spending the weeks away, I have to make most of my decisions on my own, without getting a chance to get input from my family, and I'm learning the consequences of not making wise choices (like perhaps writing this blog before memorizing the muscles in the mink when my lab practical is tomorrow afternoon). But it's a learning process >_<.
I just love where I'm at right now, in my life.
What really cemented it for me was a small thing, but it was a big deal to me. I bought a longboard the other day ($260). When my parents came up to my campus on saturday for the event my club was having (a Hair Expo), I rode it to go and meet them at the train station. I was afraid they would be upset with me, especially when they found out how much it cost. But although they pointed out that they wished I had paid off a few more bills first, my dad said that he wasn't upset with me for having bought it. He explained that it was up to me to do what I thought was necessary and best for myself, and well.....
I just felt so much better. It's such a nice feeling to grow into oneself, especially coming from a super-overprotective family like I have. All my life I haven't been able to make my own decisions, but now that I am, I think I love it.
Anyhow. Speaking of wise decisions, let me go now and study for my practical. That's what responsibility is all about, right?
*smiles*
let there be love,
~Cahryn K.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Swell Almost Spring Day
HI THERE!
I just had a fantastic day.
Like, really fantastic.
It started out with me going to class, learning about the gene that's believed to cause schizophrenia and autism (something I've been wanting to study for ages!) and then there was a blood drive at my school, and I donated blood.
Finally.
I've been wanting to do that for about 2 years and haven't done it till now. I'm so glad I was able to do it...I almost couldn't because I'd recently gotten my ears pierced (for the first time...didn't tell you that, did I?) But they let me.
It feels awesome.
Then today was thursday, so there are all these vendors that come to the lobby of the Student Activities Center (SAC) at my school, and I went and bought....dun dun dunnnn....
A LONGBOARD.
Yes. I did it. I bought a friggin' longboard.
I loves it already. It's so cooooollll.....but it's really fast and I have to get used to it. Cost me a pretty penny, though....$260. But its worth it.
I put it on my credit card. >_<
I also got a macbook pro (but that was last monday), which is the mostest awesometasticalest machine for computering ever made!
The weather was gorgeous today, up to 70 in the city and high 60s out here on the island. Loved it. I wore a tshirt today and wasn't cold =D
Then I went to the rest of my classes and hung out with my rocking cool friend Melodi and we painted our nails and had girl talk and I tried on her hairpiece (and fell in love, see pic above)...I want my own.
Anyway, now I'm sleeping over in her dorm and its like, 4:19am....yes, we stayed up that late. So..I'm going to bed now, I just wanted to share my lovely day with you.
peace, love and beautiful almost-spring days,
Cahryn K.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Last Hours of An Age
Hello there...
It's been a few months since I blogged on here..and the last entry wasn't exactly upbeat. But today, February 9th, 2012, is my twenty-third birthday.
However.
I'm still 22. I was born at 4:51am, and its only 2:06am right now. I'm sort of possessed with the odd need to get it all out on paper...or on webpage....whatever....
It's my last few hours of being twenty two years old. I can never go back. Somehow, this is very significant to me. Perhaps its because all the other ages I've been have been childlike...in a way? Yes, twenty one and twenty two are not "childhood" nor "adolescence", but somehow, to me, 23 seems like maturity.
I sit here on the cusp of adulthood.
I like the sound of that.
Over these past few months I've seen myself growing; changing for the better. I'm not as shy as I used to be, and my fear of public speaking has all but dissipated. I'm much more proactive in accomplishing things that I would like to do (or, in most cases, need to do), and I find myself thinking more about the future in a tangible way - as something that I am doing, living, right now. My future is now, for me, whereas before, it was this distant dream; a figment of my imagination that involved a scintillating storyline with a lookalike of myself cast as the heroine.
But my dreams are right around the corner. I can see their shadows, because the sun is ahead of me. And as such, I now can no longer see my own shadow...which is a good thing. Let it remain behind me.
I'm more involved in my schoolwork, and I feel as if I'm beginning to branch out more, and take more risks, come what may. Good risks, though. Like just up and going to a professor's office hours and spending an hour and a half talking to him about topics I don't understand, discussing the upcoming term paper, and discussing science in general.
I'd never have done that even in my distant and scintillating storyline.
But I did today.
I enjoy my coursework; I'm also the Secretary and Event Coordinator for the new club started on my campus by my friend (a hair club). We had our first meeting last night (tuesday night) and it was a great success - we had about 20 people turn out. Now I know that may not sound like much, but the room was full, we needed extra chairs, and the meeting flowed well.
And I wasn't nervous more than once.
(huge accomplishment)
I'm attending a bible study on wednesday nights, and I also intend to join the Red Cross chapter at my school.
OH.
I GOT A JOB, TOO!
I work in the dining center at my school, Sunday and Monday nights, till 4am. Tis a wee bit exhausting, but it is so worth it. It's a major boost for my self-confidence and self esteem. I don't feel as though I'm simply being a waste of time and space by just taking, taking, taking.
Its also GREAT to be doing something other than schoolwork and coming home to eat, do chores, and sleep.
I had been very stressed lately; over the winter break, actually. Shocker, I know. But my mom hasn't been too well....some rather disconcerting things have been taking place, but I'm praying for the best and I'm believing that she is healed.
Thank Jesus.
Things were very tense at home, and I went into shutdown mode for perhaps three to four weeks. I began to wonder whether I was actually depressed...but I refuse to claim that. I'm not.
I was just reacting to a lot of stress.
However, as soon as school started, I did an immediate 180...I'm...what's the word? Encouraged? No...inspired?....not quite.....ah. I don't know the word I'm looking for.
*muses* What is it? MOTIVATED!
That's it. I'm motivated. There's so much more going on in my life now, but each thing is a distraction (for lack of a better word) from the other. A sort of time out if you will. A break.
In short, though this blog might be long....I'm becoming who I want to be. Actually, no.
I'm becoming who I am meant to be. Who I really am. Coming into my own. Realizing my potential and stretching beyond it...just to see what happens.
In the words of SuperChick (the band): "We're just gonna jump and see if we can fly...."
I'm staying on campus; I've got half a dorm room =) For how long, I don't know, but its been two weeks, and I'm immensely grateful. My friend's suitemate had an empty bed because her roommate moved out and into ...well, she upgraded. Haha. So she told me that I could use that bed.
It's lovely.
I also got my ears pierced, on January 28th, 2012. But that's a story for another blog. It's a long one.
I think I need a quote.
"Men sometimes are masters of their fates;
the fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars,
but in ourselves, that we are underlings."
- Cassius, from Julius Caesar
Act 1 scene 2
It is up to me to make of my life what I will.
~Cahryn K.
It's been a few months since I blogged on here..and the last entry wasn't exactly upbeat. But today, February 9th, 2012, is my twenty-third birthday.
However.
I'm still 22. I was born at 4:51am, and its only 2:06am right now. I'm sort of possessed with the odd need to get it all out on paper...or on webpage....whatever....
It's my last few hours of being twenty two years old. I can never go back. Somehow, this is very significant to me. Perhaps its because all the other ages I've been have been childlike...in a way? Yes, twenty one and twenty two are not "childhood" nor "adolescence", but somehow, to me, 23 seems like maturity.
I sit here on the cusp of adulthood.
I like the sound of that.
Over these past few months I've seen myself growing; changing for the better. I'm not as shy as I used to be, and my fear of public speaking has all but dissipated. I'm much more proactive in accomplishing things that I would like to do (or, in most cases, need to do), and I find myself thinking more about the future in a tangible way - as something that I am doing, living, right now. My future is now, for me, whereas before, it was this distant dream; a figment of my imagination that involved a scintillating storyline with a lookalike of myself cast as the heroine.
But my dreams are right around the corner. I can see their shadows, because the sun is ahead of me. And as such, I now can no longer see my own shadow...which is a good thing. Let it remain behind me.
I'm more involved in my schoolwork, and I feel as if I'm beginning to branch out more, and take more risks, come what may. Good risks, though. Like just up and going to a professor's office hours and spending an hour and a half talking to him about topics I don't understand, discussing the upcoming term paper, and discussing science in general.
I'd never have done that even in my distant and scintillating storyline.
But I did today.
I enjoy my coursework; I'm also the Secretary and Event Coordinator for the new club started on my campus by my friend (a hair club). We had our first meeting last night (tuesday night) and it was a great success - we had about 20 people turn out. Now I know that may not sound like much, but the room was full, we needed extra chairs, and the meeting flowed well.
And I wasn't nervous more than once.
(huge accomplishment)
I'm attending a bible study on wednesday nights, and I also intend to join the Red Cross chapter at my school.
OH.
I GOT A JOB, TOO!
I work in the dining center at my school, Sunday and Monday nights, till 4am. Tis a wee bit exhausting, but it is so worth it. It's a major boost for my self-confidence and self esteem. I don't feel as though I'm simply being a waste of time and space by just taking, taking, taking.
Its also GREAT to be doing something other than schoolwork and coming home to eat, do chores, and sleep.
I had been very stressed lately; over the winter break, actually. Shocker, I know. But my mom hasn't been too well....some rather disconcerting things have been taking place, but I'm praying for the best and I'm believing that she is healed.
Thank Jesus.
Things were very tense at home, and I went into shutdown mode for perhaps three to four weeks. I began to wonder whether I was actually depressed...but I refuse to claim that. I'm not.
I was just reacting to a lot of stress.
However, as soon as school started, I did an immediate 180...I'm...what's the word? Encouraged? No...inspired?....not quite.....ah. I don't know the word I'm looking for.
*muses* What is it? MOTIVATED!
That's it. I'm motivated. There's so much more going on in my life now, but each thing is a distraction (for lack of a better word) from the other. A sort of time out if you will. A break.
In short, though this blog might be long....I'm becoming who I want to be. Actually, no.
I'm becoming who I am meant to be. Who I really am. Coming into my own. Realizing my potential and stretching beyond it...just to see what happens.
In the words of SuperChick (the band): "We're just gonna jump and see if we can fly...."
I'm staying on campus; I've got half a dorm room =) For how long, I don't know, but its been two weeks, and I'm immensely grateful. My friend's suitemate had an empty bed because her roommate moved out and into ...well, she upgraded. Haha. So she told me that I could use that bed.
It's lovely.
I also got my ears pierced, on January 28th, 2012. But that's a story for another blog. It's a long one.
I think I need a quote.
"Men sometimes are masters of their fates;
the fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars,
but in ourselves, that we are underlings."
- Cassius, from Julius Caesar
Act 1 scene 2
It is up to me to make of my life what I will.
~Cahryn K.
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