This is why I hate the summer

Heat waves. It’s unbearably hot and humid.

when I get pms I need cuddles.

When it’s hot, it’s unreasonable for me to get cuddles if there is no AC.

There is no AC, neither here nor there.

Without cuddles, I spiral downwards into Murphy Thoughts. Thoughts that tell me that I’m unwanted, that I’m being used, that I’m worthless or not good enough, that I’m settling and will never get what I want, that I deserve all the bad things and bad feelings that I have.

Thoughts that tell me that I’m bad or doing something wrong or following the devil because I cut my hair cropped really short...even though the ONLY reason I did it was to even out what was an awkward pixie cut that was growing out and hadn’t been cut properly when I first decided to grow my hair out again all one length.

Thoughts that tell me not to ask for cuddles, not to ask to hang out because it hasn’t even been a week yet and MY GOD this feels like the longest week ever.

The fact that he hasn’t mentioned hanging out or me coming over is eating at me, but the dumb part about it is, I realize that I’m being dumb.

When I PMS I go tit for tat. I think that because I know how needy I feel on the inside, I need to go to extreme lengths to hide that needy feeling, not act out on it...and so I force myself to stifle my need for a little extra affection.

But then that’s just a negative feedback loop.

Because I get depressed and don’t want to do anything. Then I think I’ll be bad company and I’ll make him miserable along with me, and then I think if I can’t even do this while we’re just boyfriend and girlfriend, what’s gonna happen if we ever live together or something like that?

Then I think to myself, why bother being in a relationship at all? This is too much work.

Yet it’s all in my head, and I realize that.

But what should I do? Should I mention that I need cuddles? Should I see if he asks for me to come over? Or should I just wait it out? Act like I’m fine?

I. Don’t. Know.

The summer is unbearable. It prevents me from getting cuddles and for the last few years my summers have sucked. Like, really badly. So...

That’s why I hate summers.

They say “catch your partner being good.”

Technically, this is an anti-anxiety exercise.

I need reminders.

You can’t trust your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. I saw that somewhere.

Alright. A list of all the sweet stuff. Maybe this post should be titled “Random stuff about him part 3”

TMI ahead:

• He’s started saying “we” a lot. Another thing I haven’t mentioned on here...he asked me to come off birth control. I said I’m not doing that unless I’m married, though. 
• He put his head on my chest and just laid there, snuggled up, for maybe twenty minutes straight, stroking my arm and relaxing. 
• He holds my hand a lot more often...sometimes he will reach for it when we’re falling asleep or when we’re just lying on his bed talking. 
• He built a loft bed in his room after being inspired by my loft bed. 
• We went to a convention in NC together, and I know it seems silly to be gushing over this, but he’s not usually PDA in public...but in the car ride on the way there, with his friend and coworker driving, he reached over and put his arm around me for maybe the first hour of the ride. 
• He often gives me a kiss on the cheek before we go to sleep and he usually wakes me up with one in the mornings.
• He brought a bowl of watermelon for me for breakfast and had it waiting there for me until I woke up
• He came with me to get my MRI done because I was scared and sat in the room with me. He even told me to do like the 12th doctor and go into the TARDIS as a mental escape like in the episode Heaven Sent.
• It worked
• I truly believe he’s honest
• He cuddles a lot more now
• If he realizes I’ve been hurt by something he said (rarely happens though) he apologizes of his own free will
• He had an original painting commissioned for me at the convention in NC 
• He bought me a Yeti mic so I can record better audio for my YouTube videos
• He, out of the blue, says this “have I ever told you how much I appreciate you?”
• We had a talk about a lot of stuff, and during that talk it was established that he’s happy we’re together and he had wanted to ask me if I was
• According to him, i’m an “awesome girlfriend”
• Every now and again, we will be on the phone and then end up either 1. Calling each other back and forth if interruptions come or 2. Spend nearly the whole afternoon and night on the phone just doing our respective things and talking or even being quiet
• He lets me know when he’s done working and when he’s gotten home each day (99% of the time) and this is without me having asked him to do this
• He downloaded the duo lingo app for Norwegian because he said that if we had children he would want them to be bilingual and it would be better if we both knew the language
• He encourages me to write and to work on building a career out of it and even had me come with him to NC (all expenses paid) because it was a networking opportunity 
• He says he’s opening up in different ways than just being openly affectionate and that he’s noticed it himself - he’s found himself “accidentally changing” and “getting comfortable subconsciously”
• He wishes we had started our relationship sooner

I know there are a few more things I’m missing, but this will be all for now. I’m actually really grateful for what I’ve found in him. I really am. 

I haven’t written on here in months.

But it’s gotten a lot better.

I got my cats back. I’ll tell that story another time.

My dad and I have worked some things out and he’s become more accepting of me...and things are better.

Things with Cal are great.

I’ve gone almost six months without a panic attack.

I started an account on Medium and posted my blog post from here about the day my mother died, and it got read by curators and distributed to all of Medium.

I went to North Carolina for an anime/quirk convention.

I did an interview for a staff writer position. Didn’t get it, but got the experience.

I gained fifteen lbs. (Mixed feelings on that one...my butt looks great but my boobs didn’t even gain an ounce. The rest of the weight went to my stomach)

I’m writing on here just to say I’ve written today, because I’ve made a commitment to write every day, even if it’s not related to my end goal, at least it’s practice and I’m finding my voice.

I’m probably forgetting some things, but I’ll be back.

I’m going to go draw the smiley face on my “consistency” calendar for today’s writing goal.

Check.