I just needed to blog

I'm okay. I really am...just sometimes I'm not. Mainly...well, always when I'm not okay it's about my mom. I'm missing her a lot more now, especially with the holidays coming up. Nia took me out shopping for Christmas decorations on Thursday, which was amazing of her. (It's the friends like those that are the life-long ones). She did it to cheer me up and make me feel that I didn't have to be alone in the decorating and stuff.

I wonder what's going to happen for Thanksgiving. If my dad and I will go anywhere.

Besides that....can I go "goofy" for a moment?

Cal held my hand.

(AAAHHHHH)

Sorry. Had to get that out there, lol. I don't know if I've mentioned it on here before, but hand holding has always been a really big deal for me. An even bigger deal than sex. Like, to the point where I could feel comfortable enough to have sex with someone but not feel comfortable enough to hold their hand.

Sounds dumb, backwards even, I know, but let me explain. Sex has been devalued. It's a casual pleasure thing for most people. One night stands and all that. But you're not going to hold someone's hand unless you really care about them. It implies affection. Well. In my mind, anyway. And you'll see casual strangers screwing each other, but you don't see them walking around holding hands, lol. Or lying in bed watching Doctor Who and holding hands.

So.

^_^

Lol.

I like the way this is going.

OH! Also...this convo happened.

Cal: I want you to have my kids.
Me: That's the moment talking.
Cal: It's not. I told you, I've thought about this.

And this one, about a month later:

Me: Are you really actually serious about wanting kids?
Cal: (quiet for a moment) I would like to...
Me: You do realize that means you'd be stuck with me for at least the next eighteen years, right?
Cal: Hah! Yes. I am aware of that.

I have to admit, after that convo, the idea started to grow on me. But the timing isn't right, not yet, anyway. I'm also starting on birth control this Sunday. Ah. That's tomorrow. Wow. A little nervous about that....I've never been on it before. But I need to be responsible.

So many changes, all at once.

In my life, I mean. And figuring out who I am and what matters to me. A lot of stuff that I thought was "supposed to" matter, I'm realizing doesn't. But after all, it's my life, and I have to answer for myself and live with whatever I'm comfortable with. Not my parents' life.

I mean, that stuff (like sex before marriage) probably IS supposed to matter.

Sigh.

I have a question. Why does my doctor (and other people) say that you should always wear a condom to protect against STI's...when you've already NOT done that, been tested, are in a monogamous relationship, and have no diseases? Doesn't that mean your partner also has no diseases? Granted, any one could go and cheat at any time and bring back ickyness, but what about in marriage? Should you be wearing one then? Just in case your husband decides to cheat?

I don't see what the point is of using one if you're on birth control. Well....unless the birth control doesn't work because you miss a day or two...but I've set an alarm. Anyway. What I mean is, if everything is on point, then why?

Eh. There's probably a really good reason and I'm just being naive.

I also got a new mug....(drastic topic change, I know) that's the mostest gorgeousest thing out there...it's white and it says "too much MONDAY, not enough COFFEE" in gold lettering. Ahhh. It's lovely.

I have this urge to work today, because I know I need more money. My dad loaned me a couple hundred so that I could pay the internet and my car loan. Sigh. He says I need to pay him back by next year, but of course I want to do it WAY before that.

I've GOT to get a reliable source of income. Wait. I have one. I just need to make use of it.

It's been good to blog again, and with good news, not just all sad, angsty stuff.

I've missed it.

I think I may be stretching myself too thin.

Tutoring.
Website launch (in ten days!!)
Postmates/uber.
Gallery.

That's it. That's all I'm doing. But I have a habit of panicking and thinking that I don't have enough time in a day to accomplish everything I need to, when that's SO not true.

I'm also worried about my finances for this month. And I'm hungry. But that's neither here nor there, except for the fact that the internet bill is two months overdue and I only have about $150 left in my account.

Okay. Time to take a step back and figure out what we want.

I want to be self sufficient. I also want to not need to tutor. Why? Um.......because it stresses me? But wouldn't everything stress me? Yes. So never mind that. Keep tutoring.

If I go out every evening that I don't have tutoring and do postmates and uber from say, seven pm to ten pm, it would help with the income.

What am I worried and nervous and fretting about? Starting my life, basically. I mean, I'm already living my life, but...two of my high school friends just had babies, and my childhood best friend just got married. It makes me fret, a little bit, and feel kind of bad, because here I am having never been in a real relationship that's lasted longer than three months.

I don't know how to calculate the thing with Cal, because that lasted two months, wasn't on for three, and now is back on for about one. So...is it three months or do we just round it up to six months? When March 30th comes around next year will it be a year? Or does it start over from October? Eh. Who cares. But what I mean is that...I feel bad for not being like everyone else. I know that's dumb. So dumb. But it's a fact. And then I get sad that my mom will not be there to help me with a child when I do have one.

Lotta things going on in this head at one time.

Well. What do I want?

To be self sufficient, to have my own apartment (with or without a roommate), to be stylish (because yes, that stuff matters to me) and to be self-employed doing something I love, which would be science journalism and combining art with that.

These are the steps I must take to get there: I'm working on my website, and my tutoring will require maybe three-four hours of prep time during the week. See? That's not even much! I need real food, though. OH! And I also want to have a healthy lifestyle. Where I stay slim and trim, and actually eat healthy, home-cooked food. Mostly non-cooked, actually. Like smoothies (and coffee!) for breakfast, and then salads for lunch and soups and stuff for dinner. With the occasional good ol' jamaican meal every now and again. I will find a way.

It's in the small decisions each day, though, isn't it? Like what I decide to eat, what I decide to spend my time doing....and I need to also build in free time that doesn't get encroached on by anyone. This requires time budgeting and also monetary budgeting.

I need a fund that's like an adventure fund.

With disposable money for random going out and stuff.

Okay. Yay. There we go.

And once I'm on a financially stable flow (gotta find out what works that I can consistently pay my bills) then I can start saving for trips to travel around ze world.