It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

Why do things have to oscillate back and forth between being okay and being really horrible?

I had a convo with Cali yesterday that started at 6:30 am and lasted on and off till 6:30 pm (via text).

We are not back together. He will "resist all temptation until a decision is made." He is TOTALLY not over his ex, and if she were to pop back up in the picture and want to give it a shot he would "crumble." He does have feelings for me that is more than friendship or physical attraction, and that's why he "can't" just say "let's be friends forever." The reason he initiated stuff on Monday is because he "doesn't feel any different" about me. He thinks he needs to get over her, but he doesn't know how to make himself get over anyone. Even though he went on Tinder, he explained to all the people he met on there his "situation."

This dude does not know what the f*ck he wants.

Dammit, I want my heart back.

Why can't I just scourge myself of him and be free? Why is it that I have the need to be best friends with people before getting into a relationship with them and then the friendship part ends up becoming torture when it doesn't work out? Will I ever meet the person for me? Is there even anyone out there who is actually created for me and meant for me...and just waiting...or maybe going through all the wrong people first as well, and getting hurt?

There's this thing I do when I'm upset. I don't eat. Not on purpose, I just have no appetite, and if I try to put food in my belly when I feel that way I either upchuck it or it doesn't make it past the back of my mouth and I have to spit it out.

But yesterday was the first time I went a full 24 hours without eating or drinking a single thing. AND I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE IT UNTIL 11:00 PM LAST NIGHT. I was lying in bed trying to remember what I'd had for breakfast...okay I rushed out of the house. No breakfast. What about lunch? No...I worked right through lunch and didn't eat or drink anything. Dinner? I got home around 5:30 and went straight upstairs to my room...had a twenty minute convo with my dad and then stayed in my room the rest of the night. I hadn't even had a drop of water.

That should tell you something.

This isn't healthy. Well, when I realized it I went and drank some water. And then later I forced myself to get some soy milk to drink for protein. But I just felt like lying in bed and staying there. I thought to myself: maybe this is how my mom felt shortly before she died.

I just wanted to stay in bed and die. But I didn't want to do that to my dad.

You know when you want to text someone but you have nothing to say? No legitimate reason to contact them, but your entire insides are burning up with the desire to be around them or to just say something...anything to them...to interact with them?

I hate that.

I'm trying very hard to do the distance thing. The space thing. The space shuttle. LOL.

But it's literally a moment by moment battle.

I want my mom so badly. I had a dream last night about her funeral. It was in a place and there were very few people that showed up, and the lights were all off and it was dark. And I asked can someone please turn on the lights, but then we couldn't because we were hiding...and there was a wolf outside that came to attack us.

More happened...but when I woke up I had a feeling like, jeez, I can't believe I dreamt my mother was dead. And I was sitting on the toilet, and I literally went "crap. She is dead."

WHAT THE FUDGE?

How? How is she dead? Dead? Like, dead? Like, not alive, like her body is not here, her spirit is not here, she's not here for me to talk to or hug when I need it and she's freaking dead? That's so...unreal.

You can't trust anyone or lean on anyone, apparently. No one will be there when you need them. Oh sure, they might be there for a little while, but then something will go wrong and you'll end up hurt and alone. There's not even a point to relationships or marriages because of stupid death. Unless you are lucky and die in a freak accident together, one of you will be left behind to grieve.

I need to rewind time. I need my mom not to be sick, I need to never say a word to Cali about how I felt, and I need us not to move to this house because the landlady is the worst person on the planet.

It's not about starting something years ago and it would have worked out better (which is what he said). It's about...I don't know what it's about. It probably would never have worked out for one reason or another.

Why is it so hard to just say, friends forever? I mean, he's holding out because she apparently said to him that maybe in 2-3 years things would change...so...he's no good for any type of serious relationship until what? 4 years have gone by and she hasn't made a move to come back to him? I'm certainly not going to mope around waiting for that...that would be ridiculous. Don't I have more self-respect than that?

Should I have to cut him off completely like I did to Cody? The thought of doing that actually brings tears to my eyes because I don't want to lose the friendship. And honestly, is the friendship more valuable to me than the rest? Let me think about that. I think it must be, because over all the years, even through the crushes that I would have on him I'd still manage to get past it and just be friends. Even recently, after we removed the physical aspect and well, technically broke up, I enjoyed just hanging out with him and talking to him. I almost wish he didn't like me as more than a friend. But I wouldn't want that to be the case, either.

It only makes it a little less painful to know that he's got feelings as well. But they're not strong enough in my direction to overcome what he feels for his ex. That shouldn't be a big deal, right? I mean, they were in a relationship. He fell in love. You don't just "get over" that. I should know....Cody. Took me three years to be semi-okay. Even still, if I think about what he did, I get upset and it hurts, or I wonder if it would work if I were to move out there and give it a shot. But that's pointless, because it doesn't dovetail with what I want to do and accomplish in the rest of my life.

I think Cali hasn't figured that out yet. I don't think his ex is coming back, but I mean, who knows? I don't know her personally. Maybe she would. As my director pointed out when I talked about this to her, females don't come back when they're the ones who ended it...it takes a LOT. But I mean, really. Who knows?

All I know is I ought not to pin my hopes on anything. He's agreed to resist temptation moving forward, (although he doesn't want "space") but space would be best. Even though it hurts. You know, I'm not sure what space will do. It's supposed to help me get over him, sort of detox him out of my system, but right now I can't see past the pain.

All I'm doing is continuing to resist picking up the phone to text him. I also dreamt last night that he called me and managed to somehow turn it around to be my fault...but that was a dream.

It's gotten to the point where literally everyone is telling me to stay away from him, to let him go, to leave him alone, to avoid being alone with him...although they all say not to cut him off completely and destroy the friendship. Except my dad. You know, my dad did warn me. He said, "he's not the one for you, he's going to hurt you."

Why don't I ever listen to him?

You know, I almost feel like I want to say I don't care if his feelings aren't strong enough..I still want to be physical with him. But the thing is, that would make me fall for him more, and while it might do the same for him, oooh, that would be dangerous. I'd be falling into the exact same trap that so many women fall into: thinking the sex will make a guy stay. It never does. Kids don't even make men stay around. It's only when they value the woman as more than a physical object that they stick around. And shoot. I am of more value than just a body to satisfy desires. So that's a big, fat, NO NO.

I asked him yesterday what he even likes about me anyway. He said I'm "quite clever, not super obnoxiously goofy, and certainly fun to be with." I almost said "be WITH or be AROUND," but I didn't...I knew the answer would be "both."

I wonder if I'm slipping into the trap of judging my own worth based on what someone else thinks of me. I can't help it...I have self esteem issues and don't see myself as some great person that's God's gift to the world. (Even though ironically, that's what my middle name means: "God's gracious gift")

When the difficult part of the convo ended yesterday, he said, "It is what it is."  I guess that's all there can be? Like, he can't change his feelings, whether towards his ex or me, and I...well, I can try to change my feelings towards him, but when it comes down to it, how successful have I really been at that over the years? Especially now that sex has been involved. Sigh. So I guess it just is what it is.

Somehow that answer is not enough for me. What is it that I really want right now? Okay. What got me here in the first place? I spent too much time hanging out with him. Three days in a row. Hours on end in a tiny car, cooped up. But then again, when I went over to his house (another mistake, probably) I was perfectly okay and not thinking about anything more than friends. But being around each other so much is kind of what has made me grow fonder, I guess. Back in June, when I forced myself not to spend the weekend with him like I used to when we were dating, that was very effective at healing me.

Okay. Now, if it were Khrys or Nia in this situation, what would I tell them? I would tell them that the guy doesn't even deserve to be friends with them. Never mind the 9 years of friendship under their belts. I would tell them to explain to him exactly how he did them wrong, exactly how he made them feel, and then that they should put some distance between themselves, gradually at least if not cold turkey at first.

See, the thing is, it's okay if you tried to date me and then realized you weren't over your ex. Sh*t happens. You explained it, and you did right by that. We got past it. What's really wrong is that you went back and initiated sex again after the fact, but you knew you weren't ready to recommit. That's the effed up part. That's not how you treat a friend.

I've explained that to him, though. And he said he was sorry.

Does that make it okay? No. But that does make it okay to forgive him. Right? If I'm being the bigger person and all? Or does that just make me a weakling? I don't want to hold bitterness in my heart against anyone...not even the awful landlady.

I think the only thing that would make this better for me is if he hadn't been so caught up over his ex anymore. That's what hurts. The fact that I'm not enough for him. But one day maybe I'll be enough for someone else...

Yeah. You know when you have the epiphany that makes the hurt a little less and that's how you know you've hit the root of the issue? That just happened.

It's me not feeling like I'm enough. Like I'm not good enough, or smart enough, or pretty enough, or whatever enough, to capture his affections strongly enough...to pull him away from her. BUT. He was in love. Clearly he has not had enough experience with that to realize how long that takes to get over. I guess he was just looking for ways to get laid by going on Tinder in the meanwhile. And then I popped up and it's like oh, I've liked her for years, I like her more than the girl I'm currently taking on dates on Tinder, I'll call it off with this girl and say there's someone else.

But still. No one will fill the void in his heart.

Whatever.

That's how our f*cked up life on this planet goes. As for me, I'm not looking for anyone else (even though Nia said I should free myself up to do that) but it's not that I don't realize I am free to do that...it's that I don't want to because I don't have my heart back yet.

When did he take it?

Never mind. I know exactly when.

I need to stop typing now and go try to get ready for work.

Four times.

That's how many times I did it yesterday. Four.

I'm sore in places I had forgotten existed.

TMI, I know. Sorry. But how do you resist when you don't want to resist? When something you had convinced yourself would never happen again actually happens?

Yesterday was completely, totally, entirely out of whack with the way I had my day planned. The only thing on my to-do list that I actually accomplished was getting the rental application at about 9:30 a.m.  After that, my hopes for renting an apartment got crushed, I got caught by a speed camera, and I didn't go do Postmates and spent the day at Cali's house and playing Pokemon. Besides doing other unmentionable things. Multiple times.

I don't know how to explain how I feel. I'm sort of confused. It went from me finally coming to terms with the "just best friends" thing, to starting to feel like I couldn't handle the just best friends thing, to thinking he had a date and I had been properly friend-zoned, to being taken to the very place I thought he had a date at to get dinner, to him suddenly grabbing my butt like he used to while I was taking a nap on his bed.

Like...what? My feelings went in a 360 degree spin at that moment. I didn't say anything. I was too shocked. I didn't know if it was a random silly thing just to be stupid or....WHAT.

Anyway. Fast forward a bit. After we finished the first time we had a mini talk. Basically, he's come to the conclusion that there's always going to be "a part of his soul that he will never get back," and he just has to learn to live with that. And he got tired of "resisting me"...and didn't want to anymore.

Now, all that should be good news.

Except, that's not enough for me. I don't want to go on not knowing what's really going on between us. Are we back together? I don't want to just be f*ck buddies. He said that he didn't want to just use me for the physical aspect when he was feeling so emotionally conflicted. I guess my worry now is...okay, wait. See, before, I thought that the only thing you needed was someone to be your best friend, to hang out with you and be all buddy buddy, and someone you could relax with, and someone you had great physical chemistry with. I thought that was it. But now I'm realizing there's an emotional aspect too, (I guess maybe that's what they call love or romance) that needs to be there as well, and I don't know if that's there for him.

He's not a very cuddly person. At least not most of the time. Sigh. If I'm being honest, neither am I. I might want it, badly, but I won't initiate it. Because it's scary, and involves feelings. ANYWAY, my point that I'm trying to make to myself is this. I don't know how emotionally invested he is in me, and that's what's making me want to draw a line. I'm not trying to force him into some sort of a sappy confession, goodness no, because that would scare the crap out of me and I would run away, lol. I think I'm just looking for confirmation that he's back in it for the long haul and not just unable to resist my sex appeal (insert fancy winky face here).

Yeah. That's what I've been trying to sort out in my thoughts. Damn, my thighs are sore.

You know what I hate the most? Uncertainty.

I could be lazy and say I hate change, but that's not the root of it. I hate the uncertainty that comes with it. The lack of control. The anticipation that's not fun, it's nerve-wracking.

I don't like packing because I don't know where we're moving to, yet we have to be out in one week. I don't know what I'm going to do with my cats, but I don't want to give them up. Maybe there is a foster home that could take them for a while...but everything gets so much more complicated when one of them has behavioral issues.

I don't like the fact that we're moving without my mom...freaking awfulness. I don't like the strange in-between stage that it feels like I'm in with Cali...no answers. The only answer is basically he doesn't know either.

And I'm spending much too much time with him for my own good. I can't see this ending in a good way for either one of us. Because neither one can heal or focus....yes, there's a best friend thing, but I don't even hang out that much with Khrys. Or Nia. So...why should I be in his face like every day? Cooped up in a car with him for hours on end? It's like being married without the physical aspects. Which is its own type of torture.

It was almost easier when I thought he didn't have any feelings for me anymore. Now that I know that's not the case...it just...complicates things. Because it puts thoughts in my head that I spent over a month and a half trying to get rid of. And I was pretty successful at it...but honestly, the only way I managed to do that was by NOT hanging out with him as much. It feels like there's a cord connecting us, and I have feelings in my chest again and that's a problem.

He says he still feels the same about me, but...does that matter? Isn't that torture?

And yet I'm still going to go out there again today.

Why?

this is just going to be a ramble

Today started out sort of crappy. Actually, I have a headache right now.

I think I did too much yesterday, woke up too early today, had too much nonsense go on at work (too much to do in too little time, and got chewed out by more than one ruffled coworker who was upset about their check...the latter of which actually showed up at my house. At least she didn't really make a scene.)

I was just so through today. So annoyed. So tired. I'm really tired right now. But I'm going to head out and help Cali do some Uber. Cause that's what friends are for. Oh, I also ran into Betsy today...and she's showing! She should be about 5 months along now, I think. Goodness. She's having a baby. I can't comprehend it.

Well...whenever my dad comes home with the rental car. My car has been in the shop for a week now; transmission troubles. It'll be so good to get mine back tomorrow.

It's funny the things you notice about people sometimes. The laugh lines around their eyes. The suntan on their forearms. The stubble on their chin. The way their nose is just a little bit crooked, but it works for their face. I notice all these things about people as I pass by them, or sit across from them on the train. All these small parts that make up the collective whole: the person.

I want to put all of that into my book.

I want to capture all of that in my photography. Maybe I'll turn to black and white photography for a little while. You always capture the soul of the person in black and white.

I want to create.

You know what sucks? The fact that I'm 27 years old and can't even provide for myself. I mean, I could have, I guess. Before my job got all unreliable and crappy. Because I was doing that and the tutoring and postmates. But honestly, right now if somehow I were to not have my dad to depend on, I could not pay rent. Not even for a room. What would I do with all the stuff we have?

That's unacceptable. And I don't know if it's worth it to go back to school. Maybe I should save up to do one semester at a time. The program is only four semesters, anyway, I think. Three semesters and a summer? No. A fall, a spring, and a summer? Or is it five semesters? I forget.

How much would I need? Could I go full time and not work? That would require me having enough money saved up for the tuition, food, bills....I can always do tutoring on the side, and postmates on the days when I'm not in class.

So full-time graduate tuition is $6,205.50 for one semester.

I can make about $560 a month with three students.

Maybe I'll make a few natural hair videos.

Hmm. Eia Jorlene - natural hair ...hm.

Lets try protective styles.

I do two-strand twists (styles with this include high bun, professional bun, um...)

braids - into high bun

french braids down the sides

Or maybe how I wash my hair? Nah. But more like how I style my hair for a braid out. Cause I heart braid outs in the summertime...but I am so lazy right now. It's hot. You know what's funny? I have videos that I've recorded...I should probably edit them.

Meh. That's a lot of work. It'll give me something to do with my time besides pack and read and draw, though, so maybe I should do it. I guess I'll do the aquarius video. Not now, though. I'm hot and tired.

me.

I'm trying to figure out me.

I know that figuring myself out won't change who I am...because that's just me. Whether I know/understand it or not. But....still. It helps to have a handle on things.

Things that I really love to do:
Write
Read about writing
Read in general (although I haven't found any good books lately)
Draw
Photography

That about sums it up.

I like science (specifically biology or space-related topics) and I kind of think that is all there is about me. In regards to what I would like to do with my life. I want to be a writer. Funny how when I was younger I never saw that coming. Even though I used to write all the time, and draw all the time, I only knew about careers like doctors, lawyers, and nurses. Oh, and pilots. I wanted to be a pilot for a little while, too.

I've recently decided that I'd like to learn how to fly a plane..after all. It's never too late.

So now that my schedule is a lot more free (only working 3 days a week because of the fire at my job) I should be able to incorporate more time for writing.

Mondays: Write.
Tuesdays: Work/Write/Postmates
Wednesdays: Work/Tutoring
Thursdays: Work/Write/Postmates
Fridays: Write/Postmates
Saturdays: Tutoring
Sundays: Postmates

I should set a word count goal or something like that. Maybe I can start with 500 words. How much even is that?

Okay. I just googled it and found out that 500 words is one page, single spaced. That's nothing! An average productive writing session gives me at the very least two pages, if not more. So let's set the goal for 1000.

I sometimes wonder if I should import my work into Scrivener. I mean, that's what I bought it for. (heads off to go start tinkering with Scrivener)

I told my dad about my tattoos.

Probably the only thing that could have been scarier than that would be if I were to have gotten pregnant and had to tell him that.

But he didn't freak out. He remained calm. He said he wasn't upset, he was disappointed. He asked how many. He asked where. He asked who influenced me. He said I have a demon (lol) (okay, maybe not lol, but I need to remain sane). And then he changed the topic. He tried to figure out changes that he'd seen in me since I got the first one. He said God had shown him and that he was going to talk to me about it this week.

Well, hey.

I'd like for my business to be my business.

But I'm not going to go down that path now.

He still hasn't seen them. I'm a little uncomfortable with that idea.

Anyway.

Laters.