Four times.

That's how many times I did it yesterday. Four.

I'm sore in places I had forgotten existed.

TMI, I know. Sorry. But how do you resist when you don't want to resist? When something you had convinced yourself would never happen again actually happens?

Yesterday was completely, totally, entirely out of whack with the way I had my day planned. The only thing on my to-do list that I actually accomplished was getting the rental application at about 9:30 a.m.  After that, my hopes for renting an apartment got crushed, I got caught by a speed camera, and I didn't go do Postmates and spent the day at Cali's house and playing Pokemon. Besides doing other unmentionable things. Multiple times.

I don't know how to explain how I feel. I'm sort of confused. It went from me finally coming to terms with the "just best friends" thing, to starting to feel like I couldn't handle the just best friends thing, to thinking he had a date and I had been properly friend-zoned, to being taken to the very place I thought he had a date at to get dinner, to him suddenly grabbing my butt like he used to while I was taking a nap on his bed.

Like...what? My feelings went in a 360 degree spin at that moment. I didn't say anything. I was too shocked. I didn't know if it was a random silly thing just to be stupid or....WHAT.

Anyway. Fast forward a bit. After we finished the first time we had a mini talk. Basically, he's come to the conclusion that there's always going to be "a part of his soul that he will never get back," and he just has to learn to live with that. And he got tired of "resisting me"...and didn't want to anymore.

Now, all that should be good news.

Except, that's not enough for me. I don't want to go on not knowing what's really going on between us. Are we back together? I don't want to just be f*ck buddies. He said that he didn't want to just use me for the physical aspect when he was feeling so emotionally conflicted. I guess my worry now is...okay, wait. See, before, I thought that the only thing you needed was someone to be your best friend, to hang out with you and be all buddy buddy, and someone you could relax with, and someone you had great physical chemistry with. I thought that was it. But now I'm realizing there's an emotional aspect too, (I guess maybe that's what they call love or romance) that needs to be there as well, and I don't know if that's there for him.

He's not a very cuddly person. At least not most of the time. Sigh. If I'm being honest, neither am I. I might want it, badly, but I won't initiate it. Because it's scary, and involves feelings. ANYWAY, my point that I'm trying to make to myself is this. I don't know how emotionally invested he is in me, and that's what's making me want to draw a line. I'm not trying to force him into some sort of a sappy confession, goodness no, because that would scare the crap out of me and I would run away, lol. I think I'm just looking for confirmation that he's back in it for the long haul and not just unable to resist my sex appeal (insert fancy winky face here).

Yeah. That's what I've been trying to sort out in my thoughts. Damn, my thighs are sore.