thoughts.

I think my problem is that I lose myself in people.

I take so long to let them in, that when I do, I wrap myself up in them and begin to see myself as an extension of them. I can't see my life without them in it.

It's the reason I'm so afraid to move to another state. How would I get to see Khrys? Or Nia? I can't think of a time when I wasn't completely caught up in another person...once I started to socialize. I grew up very sheltered, and was homeschooled until the 6th grade.

In middle school, my world revolved around a girl named Hannah. She sort of took me under her wing, but didn't need me at all. She couldn't have cared less if I disappeared...yet I was desperate for her approval and to be as cool and confident as she was.

High school...there was Betsy. It was mutual there; we were inseparable from 10th grade until senior year, when she joined the S.O. and got inexplicably popular and began to hang out with the in-crowd and I was left in the dust.

In college, I don't know actually. Ah, yes. Mary.

It seems that I fall for strong personalities and then lose myself in them. It's like my sense of self isn't strong enough to stand on its own. I begin to worry what these people think of me, and think that I'm not measuring up to their standards. I compare myself to some imagined version of what I think they think I should be, and of course I come up short.

And then I feel bad about myself.

Oh gosh. Am I one of those pathetic girls who leeches onto someone who is unattainable and tortures myself?

I need to figure out who I am and become secure in it. Yes, I'm constantly changing, and growing and evolving, but who I am, is who I am, right?

I'm a dreamer who thinks too much and loves to read, who loves poetic, sad things and things made of wood and earth, who thinks that words can be the most beautiful and the most deadly of weapons. I am someone who likes to be alone most of the time but still gets lonely without some form of communication from people I care about. I'm a girl with regrets up to here, and a bucket list that seems impossible. I love nature and pine trees especially, and if I go too long without a pen and a sketchbook I start to go insane. Give me time travel and aliens, coffee and tea with milk in it. Skip the sugar. I fill my room with scented candles and I can sit and stare for hours and just think. I believe that understanding is the key to solving all problems and patience is the most important virtue. I'm convinced the earth and the cosmos didn't just "happen" on their own...no. Life is much too complex for that.

These are the core elements that make me who I am, and I don't think these will change much. So why do I often feel like this is not enough?

I think the question here is, enough for who?

It should be enough for me, and for me alone. See, when I was younger, I was questioned and ridiculed for being different. For being the dreamer when everyone else wanted to gossip. For smiling too much. For reading Ender's Game in middle school when everyone else was reading Zane's sex novels. For having curly hair. For being taller than most of the boys and all of the girls. For not having a C-cup by the time I was fourteen. For speaking "like a white girl." For not dressing in tight clothes.

When I got older, I was "too nice." I was "not independent enough," because I had a close relationship with my mother and valued the morals my parents taught me.

I think I've always felt looked down on by others.

Recently, Nia told me that in school, people tried to make me feel bad because they were jealous of me. Well, they succeeded. They have me questioning what on earth they even had to be jealous over. I didn't feel pretty, didn't think I was pretty, I was always too skinny and flat chested and had unruly hair and an acne-riddled face that progressed into an acne-scarred face.

And I know these things are only external, but then consider being criticized for not wanting to disappoint your parents. For going to church. I don't have a big personality or presence that takes over a room when I walk in. I'm mellow. Why is that a bad thing?

Maybe it's not, but why do I feel like it is? What went wrong? When did the world start judging people for not being harsh and rude and bold and over-confident?

I guess the people who want to stick around, will. Whether I have acne scars or not. I'm always really polite, and don't speak up for myself enough I suppose. If that irks someone, too bad. When I get upset I withdraw. I can't help it. It's better that way, because I need time to process my feelings. Usually, I come to the conclusion that I'm overreacting in my mind, and it's saved me from blowing up at the person who offended me. How is that a bad thing? HOW? I've lost a friendship over that. I don't understand. Apparently I'm immature for doing that.

Do you see what I mean? Good God, it's like everyone has an opinion on how I should be, on how I should think, dress, act...why can't I just be me and be accepted for that?

Funny thing is, I have a core group of people who do just that. Accept me unconditionally and are there for me when I need them.

So why is it that the negative thoughts can get so loud?

I miss the days when I believed I didn't need anyone. I know now that I was wrong; life - or rather death - has taught me that I can't get through this journey alone. But I still wish I could.

untitled

I'm afraid.

I think that's the best way to sum it up.

Feelings, man. Not bad ones...good ones, I think. But I don't know how to handle them. They sit there in my chest, like a flame...literally like a flame, licking at the corners of the castle that I've built up over the years. And I wonder whether there's a twin flame in his chest.

Just because I feel something doesn't mean he does. And I can sit here all day and try to justify and rationalize to myself of why he should feel the same...or maybe does feel the same...or at least similar....I can recite to myself everything he's said to make me believe he cares (that word scares me, too)...but in the end I have no idea.

Unless he says it outright.

But his personality type is not the kind to do that, and neither is mine. I know I won't say anything. I thought about asking him..."hey, when we're intimate, are there feelings involved for you? Emotions? Or is it strictly pleasure?"

Because this is twice now that there have been feelings bubbling inside my chest during "the deed."

That scares me, mainly because IT'S HIM. Cal. The guy I've known for a decade and who is just himself and is my friend and who is actually my favorite person to be around and it's always been regular and okay and now suddenly there is this FLAME....in my chest, and I don't know how to handle that.

In a way, I almost can't picture it. Like, I think to myself...okay, so when it was our 1 year anniversary and I told him it was the longest relationship I've ever been in, he said he guessed the next milestone would be his; four years for us would be his longest. Four years. I can't even imagine that...not because I can't see myself staying with him for that long, but because I have no idea what that's like. I don't even know what two years is like. And after four years...one would think that a couple would grow closer...and maybe grow to love each other...and to take him and me and put a label of the "L" word on what we've had so far...it's scary. It's like, I could totally see it happening from my end, but to picture it coming back, how could he ever love me? Would he?

It's a weird thought.

I know he loved his ex...and I'm pretty sure he's not fully over her. Heck, I'm not fully over Cody. Sometimes I think what if we had actually tried to be together from back then...and sometimes something will remind me of him and I'll miss what we had.

But I wonder whether he could ever feel about me as strongly as he felt about her. Or will I always come second? Of course, this is entirely my own imagination in overdrive, but these are the thoughts I have. Or maybe I'd be even more special, because I'm the one he chose to be his best friend, and now he's dating me, so does that make it better? Argh. I don't know. I wish I could ask, but that would come across as insecure. And pushy.

Could it be that the same way I've gotten used to talking to him every day and think about him pretty often is the way it is for him with me? I mean if I'm talking to him every day, he's talking to me every day. That's every single day for fourteen months with only one full 24 hour period of no talking. Jeez. If this goes south it will SUCK. The thing I try to console myself with is that we survived one breakup, friendship intact.

I don't want to be annoying, I don't want to be insecure, and oh....I also don't want to hurt him. My dad being sure that there's someone else out there meant for me worries me.

By the way, my dad and I have finally had a heart to heart....and he understands where I'm coming from, and I understand where he is coming from...his fears and worries about me and how he feels he's not measuring up as a father because my mother could have done a better job...it breaks my heart, but I understand now. And I finally explained the whole thing about Cal to him (well, 99% of it..I left out that he's my boyfriend) and he gets it, too. He was shocked when I pointed out that we've been friends for so long, and he got the point when I pointed out how he was there for me when mom died. So we're cool on that topic. He even said that if it wasn't for the fact that he's convinced he's demon possessed, he wouldn't mind if I wanted to fall in love with him, cause he's a good guy. (That's about as good as it's gonna get, lol).

Finally.

But back to these feelings. The ones that scare the foolishness out of me.  Well, maybe not. Maybe they're proof that I am foolish.

Who knows?

Anyway, TMI alert here, but today I spent the day with Cal because 1. I wanted to, and 2. There were too many darn spiders in my room. I'll tell you more about that later. And while we were doing the do...he was very...gosh, I can't find the words for it. But sometimes it's like playful and fun...and other times it's serious and passionate (ewww that sounds so...ewwww! *immaturity alert*). But it felt to me like it was a slightly different type of serious. Or it could have just been really good and he was enjoying it a lot. Who knows? I don't want to project my feelings onto him. And afterwards, he just sat and acted normal...so...either he clammed up from feels overload or it was nothing.

I was def on feels overload. And so I probably projected it.

Back to the question of...when he says "I still feel the same about you," what is that feeling? And would he be sad if I went away? Does he think about me and want to spend time with me but doesn't say anything the way I do?

Oh dear. I sound like those stupid love songs I used to listen to on Radio Disney when I was a kid.

About those spiders. First a giant one on the INSIDE of my window's mesh. Slammed the window shut and hoped he'd go back out the same way he got in. Went in the shower. Came back out. Put my undies on my bed. Went to reach for them, and saw A FREAKING BLACK JUMPING SPIDER ON MY BED ABOUT TO CRAWL INTO MY BLACK PANTIES.

NOT OKAY.

And yesterday I killed another one of those in the hall.

Do you see why I fled?

Good.

Oh, also, I got a fishy today. He's a blue and purple betta fish like my first one, and his name is Blue.