It's okay. You've never really gone through this before. You haven't actually been in a long term relationship, and certainly not with someone who is actually honest about their feelings and doesn't judge you for yours.
Basically, every step you take from here on out is going to be new to you, and so it's going to be scary. But just because it's scary doesn't mean it's dangerous. And it doesn't necessarily mean you're going to fall and get hurt.
Climbing a mountain is scary. Those people are thousands and thousands of feet above sea level, hanging from a precipice. But look how many of those people successfully climb the mountain. Yeah, they probably bruised their fingers and scraped their knees along the way, and they probably had a few moments where they felt like they were about to lose their foothold or like they were short of breath from the altitude or like they didn't have the energy to go on. They probably also questioned if it was a good idea for them to be climbing the mountain in the first place.
But if them and their climbing partner both agree that they want to keep climbing, even if it's hard and windy and snowy and the visibility is low and sometimes it's cold and there have been sunnier days when they weren't climbing the mountain, wouldn't you say that's a good thing? And that it's worth it for both partners to continue climbing the mountain to get a little farther along?
Especially if one partner says they're serious about the climb, not just scrambling up to see where they can reach. And that they've taken the climb seriously for a long time now. The partner who was worried that they were just dragging that other partner along for the climb...I would say that that partner can relax now.
You guys both want to continue climbing. And really, I know you're scared and worried that a big gust of wind might come along or that a mountain goat will knock one of you off, but if you stay in one spot, that's not going to do any good. You've got to keep moving.
Neither one of you knows what the top of the mountain looks like. Neither one of you knows how long it will take to get there. You can't base it on how long it took other people to climb the mountain, because those people had different strengths and weaknesses, and the weather conditions were different for them as well.
What matters, in the end, is that as long as your partner is not sabotaging you and trying to knock you off, that you continue to climb.
Because that in itself is an experience. That is life.
And you are living.
Wednesday, September 19, 2018
Friday, September 14, 2018
Okay. I gotta sort this out.
I didn't use to be jealous. Why am I jealous now? What's different?
When I was in high school/college, I didn't care. Could it be that I didn't care about the people I was dating? Um...maybe. No...I did care. To a certain extent. Or maybe, maybe when I did care, I was jealous.
There was Blue. I cared in that case, and as soon as I realized he didn't, that he was also talking to my friend, I was upset. That was the first time I cried over a boy.
Then there was Lee. I guess I trusted him. So I never saw it coming. It made it worse that it was with someone he met because of a job that I set him up with.
After that, I was hella cautious. When Cody showed up, I was careful, guarded. I tried to do everything the right way. He said all the right things, made all the promises. So when he had a female friend, I didn't see her as a threat.
I think I hate him.
Now, with Cal. I've been burned enough times that I'm constantly on my guard. Because it seems like any time you think you don't have to worry about a girl, anytime you think you can trust your guy, that's when you find out that you can't. That's when you find out that you weren't good enough for them. That the other girl was prettier, more interesting, more convenient, lived closer, funnier, had prettier eyes, had a better connection or a longer history...
And you begin to anticipate these things the moment you see something remotely similar to what happened in the past.
Here's the thing. His "cousin?" I don't like her. I don't like her because she's not the type of person I would choose to be friends with. She invites herself into things she wasn't invited to (hello, the beach? It was supposed to be a date. The second party after the first one that the whole family went to? There was an invite for the mother and a plus one. How can she say she'll be down to go? No one asked her, at least not yet anyway.)
They've got a history that goes all the way back to being like 11 years old, growing up together, and when I'm around them I can't help but feel like a third wheel. As if they're the couple, the best friends, and I'm just an extra tagging along. I don't belong. I'm not really the best friend...she is. It feels so obvious.
Sometimes I just want to end it. Our relationship, I mean. Leave before I'm left. That saying never really made sense to me before, but I get it now. It would be so much easier that way. What's the point of taking a risk? It's like, I've been burned so many times before. If I see someone holding a cattle prod, wouldn't it make sense to walk the other way?
I don't need to be in a relationship, anyway. I've survived so long not being in one - why the hell did I think I needed to get into one in the first place? I should just be single, stay single. I don't need kids. I don't need to bring children into this horrible world that's only getting worse.
The thing is, they go for walks together with Gingey. They go get Yummy Taco together and split the bill and the food. They sit together talking...they freaking live together. They go to the pet store together with the dog and her son. They look like a family.
And that's what scares me and hurts me to see.
Because I can't compare or measure up to that. I'm not that outgoing. I'm not that talkative. I basically feel like I'm not that interesting.
Now, I am due to get my period next week, and I've had a hella bad two days before this. So it's possible that 50% of this is PMS talking. I hope so.
So I'm going to do an exercise and flip it around; see if I can look at it from another perspective.
Maybe hers.
She doesn't see me often, and aside from that one time we hung out and talked, she sees someone who is quiet and reserved. Maybe I come across as standoffish? Or, dare I say, mysterious?
When I was in high school/college, I didn't care. Could it be that I didn't care about the people I was dating? Um...maybe. No...I did care. To a certain extent. Or maybe, maybe when I did care, I was jealous.
There was Blue. I cared in that case, and as soon as I realized he didn't, that he was also talking to my friend, I was upset. That was the first time I cried over a boy.
Then there was Lee. I guess I trusted him. So I never saw it coming. It made it worse that it was with someone he met because of a job that I set him up with.
After that, I was hella cautious. When Cody showed up, I was careful, guarded. I tried to do everything the right way. He said all the right things, made all the promises. So when he had a female friend, I didn't see her as a threat.
I think I hate him.
Now, with Cal. I've been burned enough times that I'm constantly on my guard. Because it seems like any time you think you don't have to worry about a girl, anytime you think you can trust your guy, that's when you find out that you can't. That's when you find out that you weren't good enough for them. That the other girl was prettier, more interesting, more convenient, lived closer, funnier, had prettier eyes, had a better connection or a longer history...
And you begin to anticipate these things the moment you see something remotely similar to what happened in the past.
Here's the thing. His "cousin?" I don't like her. I don't like her because she's not the type of person I would choose to be friends with. She invites herself into things she wasn't invited to (hello, the beach? It was supposed to be a date. The second party after the first one that the whole family went to? There was an invite for the mother and a plus one. How can she say she'll be down to go? No one asked her, at least not yet anyway.)
They've got a history that goes all the way back to being like 11 years old, growing up together, and when I'm around them I can't help but feel like a third wheel. As if they're the couple, the best friends, and I'm just an extra tagging along. I don't belong. I'm not really the best friend...she is. It feels so obvious.
Sometimes I just want to end it. Our relationship, I mean. Leave before I'm left. That saying never really made sense to me before, but I get it now. It would be so much easier that way. What's the point of taking a risk? It's like, I've been burned so many times before. If I see someone holding a cattle prod, wouldn't it make sense to walk the other way?
I don't need to be in a relationship, anyway. I've survived so long not being in one - why the hell did I think I needed to get into one in the first place? I should just be single, stay single. I don't need kids. I don't need to bring children into this horrible world that's only getting worse.
The thing is, they go for walks together with Gingey. They go get Yummy Taco together and split the bill and the food. They sit together talking...they freaking live together. They go to the pet store together with the dog and her son. They look like a family.
And that's what scares me and hurts me to see.
Because I can't compare or measure up to that. I'm not that outgoing. I'm not that talkative. I basically feel like I'm not that interesting.
Now, I am due to get my period next week, and I've had a hella bad two days before this. So it's possible that 50% of this is PMS talking. I hope so.
So I'm going to do an exercise and flip it around; see if I can look at it from another perspective.
Maybe hers.
She doesn't see me often, and aside from that one time we hung out and talked, she sees someone who is quiet and reserved. Maybe I come across as standoffish? Or, dare I say, mysterious?
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