My problem with writing

My problem with writing is this: I don't want to face the rawness that accompanies it.

I'm talking specifically about my novel...(I have no legitimate excuse besides distractions and laziness when it comes to my science blog).

I'm tackling topics that are hitting so close to home and are so raw that they make my chest ache just by reading over the last few lines. I'm not ready. It's hard.

It's really, really hard. And I also associate the story too much with my mom, because I told her the storyline when we were at the last cancer survivors event that she ever went to.

She loved it.

But that makes it harder.

I'm going to stop talking about this now because I was having a good day and I think I'm just going to have to admit to myself that even though it's raining and it would be an amazing day to spend writing...I just can't do it yet.

That sucks.

this goes a little off topic

This is what I was meaning to post about last time.

The other day I was out, sitting in the car, doing postmates, and I saw a couple walk past.

What really began to bug me is that it struck me as WRONG. Like, I looked at them, a perfectly normal heterosexual couple, and I thought to myself, "they must be sinning."

What kind of BS crap is that? For all I know, they could have been married. On their way to pick up their toddler from the babysitter.

But it got me thinking, that somehow, throughout all my years of growing up, I've been conditioned to think that boyfriends are bad, and illegal and sinful, and that therefore, relationships will somehow get you to hell.

Dunno really how you're supposed to get married, then. But it's like, you should be in the church, and then God will somehow tell someone, hey, you're supposed to marry her, and then poof. Y'all are engaged. And you don't touch them in any shape, fashion or form until the wedding night.

Maybe that is the way it's supposed to work. Seems kinda....controlling though. Like I was in a church service a few months back, and the preacher told two people that they were supposed to be married. Eh. Maybe they are. Who knows? But the thing is, you see people who have gotten married, and they've been dating for two, three, four, ten years.

Now, I'm not saying you should be going and having sex before marriage, cause I'm still pretty sure that's wrong. Even though I'm SO guilty. But it would reasonably be better not to do that, because if you break up, at least you wouldn't be comparing your next partner to them sexually, and at least it would reduce the risk of a lot of diseases.

At one point I would also have said you'd be less emotionally attached, but I know better now. That's SO NOT true. The pseudo-relationship that destroyed me the most lasted for 7 months and there was no sex of any kind involved there..it was even long distance. It wasn't even an official relationship. So that's not the case.

But my point is, I hate the fact that I feel as if I'm sinning even if I'm NOT doing anything wrong. Like, honestly, I feel as though I'd never have the guts to tell my dad I have a boyfriend, or that I'm interested in someone...and it's funny. You'd think that with it being someone I've known for practically ten years, that would make it better. *scoffs* A few years ago, I told my dad about a guy I was talking to who asked me out to dinner, and my dad wanted to know what his nationality was. As soon as I told him he was Haitian, he instantly said he didn't want me talking to anyone who was of that nationality, because their nation is involved in witchcraft.

Um, what?

I'm very tired of my dad being so biased. And I know my mom was too. I'm not sure where to draw the line between no compromises, and loving everyone. I guess the way that Jesus did it.

Right now I'm kind of mad at Jesus. Or God. Because of my mom. Maybe that's stupid. I did ask for them to take her because of all the pain she was in. This has gotten off track.

I'm just wondering, how can I have a healthy relationship if I feel as if everything I'm doing, even just having one, is WRONG? I'm 27 years old and I haven't actually had a boyfriend since I was 18. Since I was a freaking CHILD. How can I know what to do? How a relationship is supposed to work? How to deal with things? What about if there's a disagreement? I'm not the type of person to argue...I hate arguing and having grown up seeing my parents argue so much....

I remember being maybe four or five years old and hiding behind the bedroom door, praying to God that he would let my mom and dad stop arguing.

Didn't work.

They kept right on yelling at each other.

This sort of stuff makes me discouraged. It's like, there are no guarantees for anything. ANYTHING. Why should I put my life on hold because maybe there is a husband for me across the Atlantic Ocean? When there is someone here that I'd like to be with? And maybe there's not one soulmate for someone...don't we have free will?

There was a pastor that said that yes, we do, but if it doesn't align with God's will, then it counts for absolutely nothing. Like if you did a good thing, but didn't do what God told you to, then that good thing doesn't even get recorded, cause it wasn't "in the book" from the get-go.

So....how are you supposed to know God's plan for your life? Are you supposed to rely on a pastor telling you? How will you know if he's telling you the truth?

I've talked myself into a bummed out mood. That sucks. I'm going to go make myself some pancakes and hopefully I'll feel better.