1. I liked him.
2. I told him.
3. After much convo, he kissed me.
4. After more convo, he asked me to be his girlfriend
5. I said yes.
6. The relationship lasted a little over two months.
7. During that time, we had sex.
8. He broke up because he still had feelings for his ex.
9. He said he wanted to be best friends again.
10. That would require things going back to the way they were before any of this happened.
11. Before any of this happened, we would only talk every few months, via text. Maybe on facetime, but rarely.
12. We are "just friends" now. That means that he no longer owes me anything. He gave me what he owed me, which was a thorough and justifiable explanation.
13. The breakup cannot be undone.
14. It is legal for him to get another girlfriend once he feels better because we are no longer in a relationship.
15. He does not owe me a text.
16. I do not owe him a text.
17. It was TOO early for a relationship, for the both of us.
18. The relationship ended in the best way possible, under the circumstances. (Early enough to avoid even more trauma, and with a clean break/closure/the decision to remain friends.)
19. It was not my fault.
20. There was nothing I could have done better or differently that would have made it last.
21. I didn't end it.
22. It is legal for me to talk to other people with the intent of entering a relationship.
23. I don't owe him anything ( no matter what it feels like).
24. I rely on people too much. I will stop going to others for support and/or help.
25. I will become self-sufficient, and self-reliant.
26. I am beautiful.
27. I do not need to be in a relationship to feel validated.
28. My feelings are valid.
29. Just because everything was "done right," and "should be" a certain way, doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.
30. It does hurt, because I liked him a lot.
31. It's okay for me to acknowledge that a big part of the pain in my chest is a result of knowing that I'm no longer in a "more-than-friends" relationship with him.
32. There is NO future with him.
33. Because it's over.
34. I do want a future with him as more than a friend. It's okay to acknowledge that, too.
35. Now that I've acknowledged that, IT WILL NOT HAPPEN.
36. It's not up to me to "make a move" or anything like that. I did my part, and did my BEST, and it didn't work out.
37. On that note, I DID MY BEST. I did all I could, all I knew how, and it still ended. Too bad.
38. Nothing can change the fact that it ended.
39. I miss when things were uncomplicated between us and we were truly just friends.
40. In order to get back to that, I NEED SPACE.
41. He is a person who ALSO NEEDS SPACE.
42. It used to be okay not to hear from him for a month or two or three or six or ten.
43. In order to go back to "just friends," we have to not text/speak for a long period of time, and I have to be okay with it.
44. That WILL TAKE TIME.
45. It has only been sixteen days since the breakup. That's just over two weeks. Everything takes time. Getting over Cody took 3 years, and that was from a 7-month long semi-relationship sans sex.
46. It hurts, but I will be okay.
47. I will not text him every day, because, who does that? Certainly not people who are not in relationships. That's weird.
48. I will get over my feelings for him IN TIME. And in the meanwhile, I will be OKAY.
Friday, June 24, 2016
Monday, June 20, 2016
thought blurbs
I woke up in a really crappy mood today. Heart racing, palms sweating...okay. Not the sweaty palms, but definitely the heart racing and an upset stomach. I was in a silent mood today. And then to make it worse, like six different people texted me all asking how I'm feeling.
I'm feeling like I don't want to talk to anybody, that's how I'm feeling.
I think I just need to get myself together and be productive. But there's immediate stuff that requires my attention. Like this stupid audit at work. And the slideshow for the graduating students. And the fact that we have to move, so, apartment hunting. Everything's a bloody scam nowadays.
I just want to be a writer in an apartment with maybe a roommate. So that the rent is cheaper. But it seems like no one is serious about moving, and then you have the issue that the people who are serious about it have pets, or the fact that my dad shouldn't have to be alone.
Will I always feel responsible for my parents? Will I never live my own life?
Can't I just do whatever the heck I want and not think about the consequences or what my family will think of me?
In a way, I do that anyway. But I'm also trying to be smart about it. Then I had to go get the stupid tattoo on my shoulder...which I'm going to tell my dad about. But not yet.
I just want to feel relaxed, happy and not broken.
You know what's an issue for me? The fact that I want kids and a family, I feel bad when I see other people my age or younger starting theirs. But then if I think about it, I still want to travel the world, and it's a heck of a lot harder to do that if you're a mom.
Also, my coworker picks this time to leave her crying baby next to me to remind me of another reason I don't want kids just yet. What happens, though, is that thoughts keep coming into my mind of impossible futures.
It's so crazy. You have to live in the present, but work towards the future. I think I need to pour all my feelings into writing my story.
Maybe that will be my way to heal.
I'm feeling like I don't want to talk to anybody, that's how I'm feeling.
I think I just need to get myself together and be productive. But there's immediate stuff that requires my attention. Like this stupid audit at work. And the slideshow for the graduating students. And the fact that we have to move, so, apartment hunting. Everything's a bloody scam nowadays.
I just want to be a writer in an apartment with maybe a roommate. So that the rent is cheaper. But it seems like no one is serious about moving, and then you have the issue that the people who are serious about it have pets, or the fact that my dad shouldn't have to be alone.
Will I always feel responsible for my parents? Will I never live my own life?
Can't I just do whatever the heck I want and not think about the consequences or what my family will think of me?
In a way, I do that anyway. But I'm also trying to be smart about it. Then I had to go get the stupid tattoo on my shoulder...which I'm going to tell my dad about. But not yet.
I just want to feel relaxed, happy and not broken.
You know what's an issue for me? The fact that I want kids and a family, I feel bad when I see other people my age or younger starting theirs. But then if I think about it, I still want to travel the world, and it's a heck of a lot harder to do that if you're a mom.
Also, my coworker picks this time to leave her crying baby next to me to remind me of another reason I don't want kids just yet. What happens, though, is that thoughts keep coming into my mind of impossible futures.
It's so crazy. You have to live in the present, but work towards the future. I think I need to pour all my feelings into writing my story.
Maybe that will be my way to heal.
Saturday, June 18, 2016
Percentages and purposes
I am ninety-six, almost ninety-seven percent better when it comes to Calvin. I can deal. It had gotten to the point where I couldn't deal, and so I hit the switch. You know the one. The emotional "off" switch. It took a lot of crying and a lot of panic feelings when I'd see a text pop up with his name on it, and a lot of worse panic and overthinking during those in between times when he didn't text. Finally, I decided I couldn't take it anymore and I forced myself to figure out what was bothering me. I was projecting his emotions onto myself. I was worrying that he would decide he was in too much emotional pain and that he would decide he could no longer talk to me. And lest it become that stupid thing that society calls "self-fulfilling prophecy," I forced myself to remember when my mother was writhing in pain and I had to feed her. I had to shut off my emotions at that time or else I would have been no good to her; I would have been a useless wreck on the floor.
God. Those times when I wanted to hug her but couldn't because to hold her would have been to cause her more pain. All I could do was stare.
I'm horrible.
So I channelled the horribleness and remembered the feeling of shutting of my filter..of putting up the blockage in my chest and numbing the feelings. Of becoming an observer, of standing by while others suffer and doing nothing.
When there's nothing you can do.
So that's how I've managed to become 96 percent okay. That's up from sixty something a few days ago, so...that's a lot of progress.
I keep telling myself "it doesn't matter." It doesn't matter if he texts me or not. It doesn't matter what he's doing with his day. If he's in emotional pain, that sucks, but it's not my fault. (It feels like it is, but it's NOT.) He will eventually learn to deal, and since then, we've had running conversations through the day. I keep telling myself that he's a thinker, like me. He spent several days thinking over everything, and came to the conclusion that we were better off as friends, because he couldn't handle the emotions. Okay. That was a well thought out, conscious decision. So if he was in so much turmoil that he couldn't handle talking to me, he'd have stopped and/or said so by now.
That's my logic.
So in the meanwhile, I'm not going to suggest or ask anything lest it put ideas in his head, and then he really would stop talking to me, which I don't think I could handle (although I tell myself that "it doesn't matter.") Nothing matters.
Yeah. Try telling yourself that when you pop your head into your parents' bedroom to ask your dad what he wants to do for Father's Day tomorrow, and you find him on his knees weeping, surronded by my mother's belongings.
He's the only reason I wouldn't commit suicide. He doesn't deserve to have to lose his wife, his father, and then his daughter as well. He doesn't deserve to have to pack up and sort out the pieces of life that his partner for life left behind, and then do the same with his daughter's things...all alone.
So I'll stick around, for him. For Dad. Happy Father's Day.
In the meanwhile...since I've managed to come to grips with the stupid break up thing, it's left a leaky hole for all the Mom feelings to come rushing out.
And they fucking suck.
All I can do is draw and write. I weigh 154 lbs, which is down from 173 just over 2 months ago. It's less than I weighed in high school. And I still can't eat.
I'm sorry I cursed.
I'm not sorry I had sex.
What the fuck is going on in my life anymore? It's best not to care about anyone. I will only care about my dad because he's my dad and he needs me. But there is no point to ever fall in love, because that person will die and leave you. There is no point to ever having kids, because you will die and leave them.
Whoever said that pain and scars are the most beautiful part of being human....was an idiot.
But I do believe that if I am to survive and continue that I need to embrace everyone and everything that has ever happened to me. Everyone has helped to shape me into who I am. I can try to erase people from my existence...from my memory...or to say that this or that doesn't matter, but it's not true. There's been a connection with everyone I've ever met, be it positive or negative. Even if it's someone I just walked past on the street, we were a part of each other's lives that day.
And we are, truly, the sum of all our experiences as perceived through our mental filter.
So there.
You're all attached to me. I'm not sure if I like that.
God. Those times when I wanted to hug her but couldn't because to hold her would have been to cause her more pain. All I could do was stare.
I'm horrible.
So I channelled the horribleness and remembered the feeling of shutting of my filter..of putting up the blockage in my chest and numbing the feelings. Of becoming an observer, of standing by while others suffer and doing nothing.
When there's nothing you can do.
So that's how I've managed to become 96 percent okay. That's up from sixty something a few days ago, so...that's a lot of progress.
I keep telling myself "it doesn't matter." It doesn't matter if he texts me or not. It doesn't matter what he's doing with his day. If he's in emotional pain, that sucks, but it's not my fault. (It feels like it is, but it's NOT.) He will eventually learn to deal, and since then, we've had running conversations through the day. I keep telling myself that he's a thinker, like me. He spent several days thinking over everything, and came to the conclusion that we were better off as friends, because he couldn't handle the emotions. Okay. That was a well thought out, conscious decision. So if he was in so much turmoil that he couldn't handle talking to me, he'd have stopped and/or said so by now.
That's my logic.
So in the meanwhile, I'm not going to suggest or ask anything lest it put ideas in his head, and then he really would stop talking to me, which I don't think I could handle (although I tell myself that "it doesn't matter.") Nothing matters.
Yeah. Try telling yourself that when you pop your head into your parents' bedroom to ask your dad what he wants to do for Father's Day tomorrow, and you find him on his knees weeping, surronded by my mother's belongings.
He's the only reason I wouldn't commit suicide. He doesn't deserve to have to lose his wife, his father, and then his daughter as well. He doesn't deserve to have to pack up and sort out the pieces of life that his partner for life left behind, and then do the same with his daughter's things...all alone.
So I'll stick around, for him. For Dad. Happy Father's Day.
In the meanwhile...since I've managed to come to grips with the stupid break up thing, it's left a leaky hole for all the Mom feelings to come rushing out.
And they fucking suck.
All I can do is draw and write. I weigh 154 lbs, which is down from 173 just over 2 months ago. It's less than I weighed in high school. And I still can't eat.
I'm sorry I cursed.
I'm not sorry I had sex.
What the fuck is going on in my life anymore? It's best not to care about anyone. I will only care about my dad because he's my dad and he needs me. But there is no point to ever fall in love, because that person will die and leave you. There is no point to ever having kids, because you will die and leave them.
Whoever said that pain and scars are the most beautiful part of being human....was an idiot.
But I do believe that if I am to survive and continue that I need to embrace everyone and everything that has ever happened to me. Everyone has helped to shape me into who I am. I can try to erase people from my existence...from my memory...or to say that this or that doesn't matter, but it's not true. There's been a connection with everyone I've ever met, be it positive or negative. Even if it's someone I just walked past on the street, we were a part of each other's lives that day.
And we are, truly, the sum of all our experiences as perceived through our mental filter.
So there.
You're all attached to me. I'm not sure if I like that.
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
I'm getting better
I must be. I think I am. I have to be.
Monday evening when I got home from work I went and lay on my bedroom floor until it got dark. I didn't say anything, didn't move...but I had a playlist on youtube going on my phone of doddleoddle and her music.
As I lay there, I thought about what it would probably look like if someone walked in and saw me like that, lying amidst a pile of laundry bags, unmoving and unmovable. It would probably look like I was sinking into a dark hole of depression, like there was something terribly wrong with me.
But it was my way of digging myself out of the hole. It's like I said. She sits on the floor because there's nowhere lower or more solid for the hard days.
And sometimes, when sitting isn't enough, she lies down.
It's been a week...seven days...since the breakup, and what I tell myself is "look how much better you're doing already. It's only been a week, and look how okay you are." It feels like it's been a month since that happened...but I've hung out with him twice since then. At least it's not awkward anymore. The first time was quite awkward indeed...at least for the first half hour or so. The second time, we went out to do Postmates and it was okay. At the end of that evening, though, I realized that we both need space. I could recognize certain signs in him that I give off when I need space. And I had started feeling that way too.
So space there is. I'm not going to seek him out again. I need to get back to doing things on my own. That was how I functioned best. (I mean, we still text). But being alone is my M.O., and I clearly don't do well by being around people all the time. It causes me to become dependent on them, and then I lose the ability to function properly without them. It mustn't happen again.
I have to start having things happen in my life without him, or other people around.
I'm going to be okay, and everything is going to go back to normal.
The only thing is I feel like it's my fault that it went wrong.... like, (hear me out now) I shouldn't have said anything about how I felt, because it started the whole thing (that was nice while it lasted) but then I mentioned something about a diner, and it reminded him about her...and then something about the best burger place...and just...maybe it would have been better if I had never said anything, because now he's depressed on top of all the things he's dissatisfied with in his life. I don't want him to be unhappy, and it feels like if I had never said anything then he would have been happily going on dates with that girl he met on Tinder, (even though he kept telling me how she wasn't "wow-ing" him) and yeah, maybe he would have gotten in another relationship and realized he wasn't ready and it all would have ended up the same way, but I still feel like it's my fault that he's hurting...and that he's going to realize it and decide not to talk to me anymore.
And I thought about trying to cut him out, at least for a little while, but the only thing that's stopping me from doing that is (not the fact that he explicitly asked me not to) that when I think about that, that hurts worse than talking to him actually does.
Although today when I think about it, maybe it's not so bad. We're just both in such effed up mental states right now. I guess I just need to let it go. Does having sex with someone imply that you're connected? Nope. It doesn't have to. But what if you were best friends first? Nope. Because for guys it's never the same. So it doesn't matter.
What would he see in me to want to stick around? What do I see in him? I dunno. I think he's cool. I like him. Maybe he just thinks I'm cool too.
I wish I could just have it go back to a hundred percent normal, but that's going to probably take more than a week, and well, I just want us not to be sad anymore.
Monday evening when I got home from work I went and lay on my bedroom floor until it got dark. I didn't say anything, didn't move...but I had a playlist on youtube going on my phone of doddleoddle and her music.
As I lay there, I thought about what it would probably look like if someone walked in and saw me like that, lying amidst a pile of laundry bags, unmoving and unmovable. It would probably look like I was sinking into a dark hole of depression, like there was something terribly wrong with me.
But it was my way of digging myself out of the hole. It's like I said. She sits on the floor because there's nowhere lower or more solid for the hard days.
And sometimes, when sitting isn't enough, she lies down.
It's been a week...seven days...since the breakup, and what I tell myself is "look how much better you're doing already. It's only been a week, and look how okay you are." It feels like it's been a month since that happened...but I've hung out with him twice since then. At least it's not awkward anymore. The first time was quite awkward indeed...at least for the first half hour or so. The second time, we went out to do Postmates and it was okay. At the end of that evening, though, I realized that we both need space. I could recognize certain signs in him that I give off when I need space. And I had started feeling that way too.
So space there is. I'm not going to seek him out again. I need to get back to doing things on my own. That was how I functioned best. (I mean, we still text). But being alone is my M.O., and I clearly don't do well by being around people all the time. It causes me to become dependent on them, and then I lose the ability to function properly without them. It mustn't happen again.
I have to start having things happen in my life without him, or other people around.
I'm going to be okay, and everything is going to go back to normal.
The only thing is I feel like it's my fault that it went wrong.... like, (hear me out now) I shouldn't have said anything about how I felt, because it started the whole thing (that was nice while it lasted) but then I mentioned something about a diner, and it reminded him about her...and then something about the best burger place...and just...maybe it would have been better if I had never said anything, because now he's depressed on top of all the things he's dissatisfied with in his life. I don't want him to be unhappy, and it feels like if I had never said anything then he would have been happily going on dates with that girl he met on Tinder, (even though he kept telling me how she wasn't "wow-ing" him) and yeah, maybe he would have gotten in another relationship and realized he wasn't ready and it all would have ended up the same way, but I still feel like it's my fault that he's hurting...and that he's going to realize it and decide not to talk to me anymore.
And I thought about trying to cut him out, at least for a little while, but the only thing that's stopping me from doing that is (not the fact that he explicitly asked me not to) that when I think about that, that hurts worse than talking to him actually does.
Although today when I think about it, maybe it's not so bad. We're just both in such effed up mental states right now. I guess I just need to let it go. Does having sex with someone imply that you're connected? Nope. It doesn't have to. But what if you were best friends first? Nope. Because for guys it's never the same. So it doesn't matter.
What would he see in me to want to stick around? What do I see in him? I dunno. I think he's cool. I like him. Maybe he just thinks I'm cool too.
I wish I could just have it go back to a hundred percent normal, but that's going to probably take more than a week, and well, I just want us not to be sad anymore.
Friday, June 10, 2016
choosing joy
I've just come from an internet research binge on grief and what causes it...biologically (makes so much more sense now)...
The reason I dislike feelings is I can't quantify them. I don't know what causes them, and as a result, I don't know how to deal with them. I can't control them. If you don't understand something, you can't make it work for you or do what you want.
But the article I found (which I'll link here) https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-theater-the-brain/201401/grief-death-loved-one-is-part-life explains that the brain learns behaviors, which then become a part of it - neuronal connections and everything. Just like if you're learning to play a chord on the guitar, at first it's hard, you can't figure out how to place your fingers, and there is physical pain involved until you master the skill. Then if you want to learn a different hand position for the same chord, you now have to un-learn the first one. You must purposely NOT hold the chord like that, and there will be more physical pain involved until you learn to hold the chord the new way.
It's the same thing with grief. You learned, your whole life (in my case) to have a mother or loved one. Then, suddenly, you must learn to function without her. Everything is different. And it hurts, until you get used to performing these daily tasks without her.
And another article showed me that just like it is a conscious effort to learn to hold the chord a different way, it will have to be a conscious effort to think happy thoughts and remember good times rather than bad ones.
I remember when I was struggling with my mom being in the hospital and getting chemotherapy that I used to sit on the train and write lists in my phone...lists of good things that had happened that day. (God, I want to hug her and tell her it's going to be okay) So I'm going to try to do that again.
Good things today:
I found out that soon, payroll is not going to be one of my responsibilities at work anymore.
I had a nice cup of tea.
It's a good hair day.
I remembered to return the library book, and only a day late.
I feel marginally better in my chest. The hole is not as raw.
I found out how grief works.
Nia came and spent the evening with me yesterday so I wasn't alone.
People are inviting me places, even though I don't want to go, but it's the thought that counts.
I still have my daddy.
I still have my best friends.
It's Friday today.
I only have to do one tutoring session tomorrow.
I found someone to take both River and Satchel.
I found a strand of my mother's hair this morning in the bathroom...on the sink...which is interesting because the sink has been cleaned several times in the last three months.
My mother loves me and will never stop.
The reason I dislike feelings is I can't quantify them. I don't know what causes them, and as a result, I don't know how to deal with them. I can't control them. If you don't understand something, you can't make it work for you or do what you want.
But the article I found (which I'll link here) https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-theater-the-brain/201401/grief-death-loved-one-is-part-life explains that the brain learns behaviors, which then become a part of it - neuronal connections and everything. Just like if you're learning to play a chord on the guitar, at first it's hard, you can't figure out how to place your fingers, and there is physical pain involved until you master the skill. Then if you want to learn a different hand position for the same chord, you now have to un-learn the first one. You must purposely NOT hold the chord like that, and there will be more physical pain involved until you learn to hold the chord the new way.
It's the same thing with grief. You learned, your whole life (in my case) to have a mother or loved one. Then, suddenly, you must learn to function without her. Everything is different. And it hurts, until you get used to performing these daily tasks without her.
And another article showed me that just like it is a conscious effort to learn to hold the chord a different way, it will have to be a conscious effort to think happy thoughts and remember good times rather than bad ones.
I remember when I was struggling with my mom being in the hospital and getting chemotherapy that I used to sit on the train and write lists in my phone...lists of good things that had happened that day. (God, I want to hug her and tell her it's going to be okay) So I'm going to try to do that again.
Good things today:
I found out that soon, payroll is not going to be one of my responsibilities at work anymore.
I had a nice cup of tea.
It's a good hair day.
I remembered to return the library book, and only a day late.
I feel marginally better in my chest. The hole is not as raw.
I found out how grief works.
Nia came and spent the evening with me yesterday so I wasn't alone.
People are inviting me places, even though I don't want to go, but it's the thought that counts.
I still have my daddy.
I still have my best friends.
It's Friday today.
I only have to do one tutoring session tomorrow.
I found someone to take both River and Satchel.
I found a strand of my mother's hair this morning in the bathroom...on the sink...which is interesting because the sink has been cleaned several times in the last three months.
My mother loves me and will never stop.
How am I supposed to survive this?
I want my mommy. I miss her so badly. I can't stand the pain...it's in my chest, an aching, gnawing feeling. It's like my chest has teeth, and a raw gaping hole...a void, and it's dark in there.
How do I find my way out?
I WANT HER BACK. My God, how do people deal with grief? It's not even that my heart hurts...it's more like I have no heart. Like there's an empty, cavernous space where it used to be, and it HURTS.
I wish I could do like in the show Once Upon A Time and remove my heart so the pain would be less. Is this how she felt when she lost her mom? But she had my dad and me to distract her. But honestly, it must have been horrible. Because when she was growing up, it was just her and her mom, and then she couldn't even be there for the funeral or anything. How did she manage to take care of me? Did she cry? That probably explains why she lashed out at my brother...she didn't know how to deal.
If this whole thing is really true, really the case, that because of sin we have to die...then my goodness, WHY did Eve have to eat the apple? Why do we have to fall for Satan's tricks? We're all so stupid and gullible and nobody can ever get it right.
I need my mother. I need her very much. I wasn't ready to be an adult and live my life with her absent. Yes, I may have wanted to move out, but there's a condition that goes along with that: the opportunity to visit her, to see her, to talk to her, to have her give me tips on raising her grandkids and all that jazz. I was so "good" when she was around. It seems I've done nothing but what's considered "wrong" by Christians since she's been gone.
I'm not even worthy of getting her back. I don't deserve it. But it's like, if I could have her back for a day, not a day where she's sick, but a day where she's perfectly healthy and okay, and we can go out for a meal and talk and hug and she could tell me she's okay and that I will be okay, and that she will see me again...then I think I could deal with it. The pain might be worse at first, but I would have that to hold on to.
Like in the movie AI, where the little robot boy brought his mom back for an hour. Or maybe a day. I don't remember.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Not even Hitler. Nobody should have to feel the pain of losing their mommy.
How do I find my way out?
I WANT HER BACK. My God, how do people deal with grief? It's not even that my heart hurts...it's more like I have no heart. Like there's an empty, cavernous space where it used to be, and it HURTS.
I wish I could do like in the show Once Upon A Time and remove my heart so the pain would be less. Is this how she felt when she lost her mom? But she had my dad and me to distract her. But honestly, it must have been horrible. Because when she was growing up, it was just her and her mom, and then she couldn't even be there for the funeral or anything. How did she manage to take care of me? Did she cry? That probably explains why she lashed out at my brother...she didn't know how to deal.
If this whole thing is really true, really the case, that because of sin we have to die...then my goodness, WHY did Eve have to eat the apple? Why do we have to fall for Satan's tricks? We're all so stupid and gullible and nobody can ever get it right.
I need my mother. I need her very much. I wasn't ready to be an adult and live my life with her absent. Yes, I may have wanted to move out, but there's a condition that goes along with that: the opportunity to visit her, to see her, to talk to her, to have her give me tips on raising her grandkids and all that jazz. I was so "good" when she was around. It seems I've done nothing but what's considered "wrong" by Christians since she's been gone.
I'm not even worthy of getting her back. I don't deserve it. But it's like, if I could have her back for a day, not a day where she's sick, but a day where she's perfectly healthy and okay, and we can go out for a meal and talk and hug and she could tell me she's okay and that I will be okay, and that she will see me again...then I think I could deal with it. The pain might be worse at first, but I would have that to hold on to.
Like in the movie AI, where the little robot boy brought his mom back for an hour. Or maybe a day. I don't remember.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Not even Hitler. Nobody should have to feel the pain of losing their mommy.
Thursday, June 9, 2016
I'm trying not to, but I'm starting to feel like there's something wrong with me. Like, why can't my relationships last? It couldn't possibly be to save me from heartbreak...because I wasn't even IN an official relationship with Cody and even though our "more-than-friends" phase lasted 7 months, it tore me apart when it ended.
I don't want to be needy; I hate the idea of needing people. But I'm very needy and feeling broken at this present time. There's an aching, burning hole in my chest. That shouldn't be there. I keep telling myself I haven't lost anything.
You know, I guess it's time I put it out in the open. I got warnings. I got a warning from a complete stranger, the owner of the flower shop that did the flowers for my mom's funeral, that same evening that I walked all the way to his house and ended up telling him how I felt. She said to me, "It's not you, it's them. Don't settle." Basically she was telling me how I'm different and on another level than everyone around me, and that there's nothing wrong with me, and how I'll find the right person some day. It felt like a warning, especially as I knew what was in my mind.
And then my dad trying to tell me that there was no point, and that he's going to hurt me. But what's so weird about that is that in a way, he hasn't hurt me. Because he did everything the way he was supposed to, and yes, I'm hurt, but like, it's supposed to be okay.
I just hope I haven't ruined our friendship. Anyway, it's only been a few days and he's been feeling pretty crappy the whole week, too. So I guess time heals all...loads of time...
Nia says I should have waited because I was probably filling an emotional void...which I guess makes sense because now that the "stopper" is gone all the suppressed pain is flooding through. That must be why I'm all of a sudden so torn up about my mom again. Whereas I thought I was doing pretty okay.
I wonder if we would ever try again. I shouldn't think about that now. Maybe we got out for a reason.
I did say that God would have things work out the way they should one way or another...
All I know is I would go back in a heartbeat, which is probably a problem.
I don't want to be needy; I hate the idea of needing people. But I'm very needy and feeling broken at this present time. There's an aching, burning hole in my chest. That shouldn't be there. I keep telling myself I haven't lost anything.
You know, I guess it's time I put it out in the open. I got warnings. I got a warning from a complete stranger, the owner of the flower shop that did the flowers for my mom's funeral, that same evening that I walked all the way to his house and ended up telling him how I felt. She said to me, "It's not you, it's them. Don't settle." Basically she was telling me how I'm different and on another level than everyone around me, and that there's nothing wrong with me, and how I'll find the right person some day. It felt like a warning, especially as I knew what was in my mind.
And then my dad trying to tell me that there was no point, and that he's going to hurt me. But what's so weird about that is that in a way, he hasn't hurt me. Because he did everything the way he was supposed to, and yes, I'm hurt, but like, it's supposed to be okay.
I just hope I haven't ruined our friendship. Anyway, it's only been a few days and he's been feeling pretty crappy the whole week, too. So I guess time heals all...loads of time...
Nia says I should have waited because I was probably filling an emotional void...which I guess makes sense because now that the "stopper" is gone all the suppressed pain is flooding through. That must be why I'm all of a sudden so torn up about my mom again. Whereas I thought I was doing pretty okay.
I wonder if we would ever try again. I shouldn't think about that now. Maybe we got out for a reason.
I did say that God would have things work out the way they should one way or another...
All I know is I would go back in a heartbeat, which is probably a problem.
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
dependency
I write when I'm full. When I'm full of some sort of emotion, I write. Because I try to sort things out in my head, but that takes too long and I get distracted. I need something to be concrete, to be able to go back over it and revise it and thus revise my thoughts.
I've been far too dependent on people for too long. It was getting to be dangerous.
My thought earlier this morning, as I lay in bed crying my eyes out and calling out for my mamma, was "Why do I keep breaking?"
It's because I keep leaning on people. Back when my mom first got sick, I chose to lean on Cody, and he pulled away and I fell and broke. Now, after my mom's passing (I don't like that word but I can't bring myself to write "death" next to a pronoun that describes her), I've allowed myself to lean on other people. My dad. Calvin. Khrys. Coworkers. Random strangers who claim to know what I'm going through.
I don't want to need people. I need to get back to that mentality, of surviving on my own. Because in the end, I'm the only person that I will truly live with for my entire life, and therefore, I am on my own. And by the way, leaning on God feels like it doesn't work, because 1. I can't see him, 2. I can't feel him, and 3. he took my mom. So he and i have some figuring out to do.
I know I asked him to take her in the end, but only because she had gotten to the point where being alive was worse than being dead. That's fcked up.
Anyway. So I need to not need people. I've got to build my walls back up, because I mean honestly, it's exhausting to tear down walls and build them up again but it's better than leaving them down.
And I'm so frustrated by the fact that I'm sad. I didn't lose anything (in regards to the breakup). I don't regret being physical - that was a choice, a two-sided choice. Is it that I'm afraid that he won't be able to handle being around me afterwards? Maybe. That is bugging me a little bit. I'm afraid that it's not going to be as simple as "we put intimacy in, we took it back out." On paper, everything should be that clean, but I'm starting to realize that life is never that simple. If, as he said, his feelings toward me haven't changed...well Nia said that means that there's nothing wrong with me, it's him, and that there must be something "right" with me in order for him to still feel whatever toward me. Of course me, going and over-analyzing everything, is now using that against myself to say what if what happened with me and Cody happens with him...the whole "I thought we could be friends but I really can't handle it" thing? THAT WOULD SUCK IMMENSELY. But he said back when we first started talking as more than just friends that his biggest reason for not pursuing a relationship with me in the past was that he didn't want to risk losing me.
So. That means he must want to keep me around. And he asked me not to cut him off. So. Look man...you can never know anything for sure. You can only know your part, and if life screws you over then well hey. You survive until you don't.
Jeez. I know I told him I'd be doing a lot of writing but this sure is a LOT of writing. On the other hand, I know I'd never send him the link to any of these posts, so that means a few walls are still up, which is a very good thing. I'm not completely broken.
I learned something from my failed relationship with Cody. You can't try to change a person to fit what you want them to be. You have to accept them for who they are, the bits you like about them and the bits you don't. You just have to decide whether the bits you don't are worth sticking around in spite of, and if they're not, you don't try to change the person, you go and find someone whose bad bits aren't on your list of deal-breakers.
I get it.
I've figured it out. I know what's eating at me about the breakup. I don't have a mommy to hug. My daddy isn't a hugger. When I need hugs, he was the only person I could go to. That's not really an option any more. That's what the problem is.
But it's okay. Only babies die from lack of hugs.
I won't.
I've been far too dependent on people for too long. It was getting to be dangerous.
My thought earlier this morning, as I lay in bed crying my eyes out and calling out for my mamma, was "Why do I keep breaking?"
It's because I keep leaning on people. Back when my mom first got sick, I chose to lean on Cody, and he pulled away and I fell and broke. Now, after my mom's passing (I don't like that word but I can't bring myself to write "death" next to a pronoun that describes her), I've allowed myself to lean on other people. My dad. Calvin. Khrys. Coworkers. Random strangers who claim to know what I'm going through.
I don't want to need people. I need to get back to that mentality, of surviving on my own. Because in the end, I'm the only person that I will truly live with for my entire life, and therefore, I am on my own. And by the way, leaning on God feels like it doesn't work, because 1. I can't see him, 2. I can't feel him, and 3. he took my mom. So he and i have some figuring out to do.
I know I asked him to take her in the end, but only because she had gotten to the point where being alive was worse than being dead. That's fcked up.
Anyway. So I need to not need people. I've got to build my walls back up, because I mean honestly, it's exhausting to tear down walls and build them up again but it's better than leaving them down.
And I'm so frustrated by the fact that I'm sad. I didn't lose anything (in regards to the breakup). I don't regret being physical - that was a choice, a two-sided choice. Is it that I'm afraid that he won't be able to handle being around me afterwards? Maybe. That is bugging me a little bit. I'm afraid that it's not going to be as simple as "we put intimacy in, we took it back out." On paper, everything should be that clean, but I'm starting to realize that life is never that simple. If, as he said, his feelings toward me haven't changed...well Nia said that means that there's nothing wrong with me, it's him, and that there must be something "right" with me in order for him to still feel whatever toward me. Of course me, going and over-analyzing everything, is now using that against myself to say what if what happened with me and Cody happens with him...the whole "I thought we could be friends but I really can't handle it" thing? THAT WOULD SUCK IMMENSELY. But he said back when we first started talking as more than just friends that his biggest reason for not pursuing a relationship with me in the past was that he didn't want to risk losing me.
So. That means he must want to keep me around. And he asked me not to cut him off. So. Look man...you can never know anything for sure. You can only know your part, and if life screws you over then well hey. You survive until you don't.
Jeez. I know I told him I'd be doing a lot of writing but this sure is a LOT of writing. On the other hand, I know I'd never send him the link to any of these posts, so that means a few walls are still up, which is a very good thing. I'm not completely broken.
I learned something from my failed relationship with Cody. You can't try to change a person to fit what you want them to be. You have to accept them for who they are, the bits you like about them and the bits you don't. You just have to decide whether the bits you don't are worth sticking around in spite of, and if they're not, you don't try to change the person, you go and find someone whose bad bits aren't on your list of deal-breakers.
I get it.
I've figured it out. I know what's eating at me about the breakup. I don't have a mommy to hug. My daddy isn't a hugger. When I need hugs, he was the only person I could go to. That's not really an option any more. That's what the problem is.
But it's okay. Only babies die from lack of hugs.
I won't.
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
What is it about people?
What is it about people? What is it about me?
I'm so fascinated by the way people interact. How they relate to one another. Especially when they're good friends, or family members.
What causes people to get along? At the bottom of it, we're all just globs of neurons and cells and chemical reactions walking around, so what makes one set of chemical reactions decide to want to be around another set?
Or is it this thing called the soul? It's real, it has to be, because a body can't be sustained and truly what we call "alive" without it. And that seems to be what connects inside of people. You find a kindred soul, and you want to keep them around. And it's not just because you like the same music or shop at the same stores...it's the quirks and the eccentricities that you share...or maybe even that you find fascinating in the other person. Or somehow you just...get each other. But what causes that? How do you "get" the other person? Why is that so hard to figure out?
If we did understand it, would it take the magic away?
I can look at another person and try to dissect what I like about them because, hey...that's what I do. Take my best friend Khrys for example. I love how creative she is...the way she can put a brush to a canvas and transform nothingness into beauty. I love how blunt she is...if she feels a certain way, she's not afraid to let you know. She's into weird science facts and dark poetry and coffee...and she loves to read maybe even more than I do. But beyond all that...she's like my better half somehow. And I wish I could describe her without using that cliche, but I don't think it's possible. Maybe that's why cliche's were invented. She understands me, and understands what I mean when I write between the lines. She (for some weird, unknown reason) accepts me for who I am and can deal with my long absences and mood swings. She's probably the only person I tell everything to, and without hesitation.
Heck. She's the only person I don't mind reading this blog.
Yet still...what is it that connects us? Literally? How does a soul work? Where do souls come from? Does God have a storage room, with little compartments and when it's time for a new person to be born, he carefully selects the perfect soul to go with that body and sends it down with a kiss? Or do we all sort of pop out of his body like little pieces of him all the time, each time a person is born? Or does he create each one anew? He'd be very busy, then.
And then I take this whole thought process, and turn it internally. What do people like about me? I look at myself as a fickle, unreliable person who's a tad strange, not all that pretty, and really bad at holding a conversation unless I'm in a conversational mood (which isn't all that often) and as a result I must be pretty boring. I know that there are certain people that I like to be around just for the sake of their presence...but I fail to see how anyone could apply that to me. How do they put up with my extended hiatuses and forgetting to reply to their texts and canceling plans and long, pensive silences and still enjoy having me around? To the point that they would actually request that I not cut them out of my life? (And now we come to the meat of the issue). What could someone see in me to want to be my friend, and to want to keep me around? What does anyone see in me?
I start a lot of projects, and then don't finish them. I get a lot of ideas, and then don't carry them out. But I'm trying, and maybe there are other people in the world like me, (like-minded, maybe that's the thing) that can understand that and want to be around someone who understands them in turn? Someone who won't judge them for their flaws, someone who might actually see their flaws as beautiful or just a part of what makes them, THEM?
I wish I knew what binds souls together. As friends. Because it's more than chemical reactions and facts. It's something strange...and incomprehensible. And a little bit magical.
I'm so fascinated by the way people interact. How they relate to one another. Especially when they're good friends, or family members.
What causes people to get along? At the bottom of it, we're all just globs of neurons and cells and chemical reactions walking around, so what makes one set of chemical reactions decide to want to be around another set?
Or is it this thing called the soul? It's real, it has to be, because a body can't be sustained and truly what we call "alive" without it. And that seems to be what connects inside of people. You find a kindred soul, and you want to keep them around. And it's not just because you like the same music or shop at the same stores...it's the quirks and the eccentricities that you share...or maybe even that you find fascinating in the other person. Or somehow you just...get each other. But what causes that? How do you "get" the other person? Why is that so hard to figure out?
If we did understand it, would it take the magic away?
I can look at another person and try to dissect what I like about them because, hey...that's what I do. Take my best friend Khrys for example. I love how creative she is...the way she can put a brush to a canvas and transform nothingness into beauty. I love how blunt she is...if she feels a certain way, she's not afraid to let you know. She's into weird science facts and dark poetry and coffee...and she loves to read maybe even more than I do. But beyond all that...she's like my better half somehow. And I wish I could describe her without using that cliche, but I don't think it's possible. Maybe that's why cliche's were invented. She understands me, and understands what I mean when I write between the lines. She (for some weird, unknown reason) accepts me for who I am and can deal with my long absences and mood swings. She's probably the only person I tell everything to, and without hesitation.
Heck. She's the only person I don't mind reading this blog.
Yet still...what is it that connects us? Literally? How does a soul work? Where do souls come from? Does God have a storage room, with little compartments and when it's time for a new person to be born, he carefully selects the perfect soul to go with that body and sends it down with a kiss? Or do we all sort of pop out of his body like little pieces of him all the time, each time a person is born? Or does he create each one anew? He'd be very busy, then.
And then I take this whole thought process, and turn it internally. What do people like about me? I look at myself as a fickle, unreliable person who's a tad strange, not all that pretty, and really bad at holding a conversation unless I'm in a conversational mood (which isn't all that often) and as a result I must be pretty boring. I know that there are certain people that I like to be around just for the sake of their presence...but I fail to see how anyone could apply that to me. How do they put up with my extended hiatuses and forgetting to reply to their texts and canceling plans and long, pensive silences and still enjoy having me around? To the point that they would actually request that I not cut them out of my life? (And now we come to the meat of the issue). What could someone see in me to want to be my friend, and to want to keep me around? What does anyone see in me?
I start a lot of projects, and then don't finish them. I get a lot of ideas, and then don't carry them out. But I'm trying, and maybe there are other people in the world like me, (like-minded, maybe that's the thing) that can understand that and want to be around someone who understands them in turn? Someone who won't judge them for their flaws, someone who might actually see their flaws as beautiful or just a part of what makes them, THEM?
I wish I knew what binds souls together. As friends. Because it's more than chemical reactions and facts. It's something strange...and incomprehensible. And a little bit magical.
So it's okay
I think it's okay. It's over, but we're not over. This is the one time where I truly, honestly think that I can go on being friends with someone after an attempt at something more. It's kind of like, it was eating at me, and if I didn't try, I'd have felt abandoned if/once he got together with someone else. Because it would have happened eventually. And then again, maybe he and I would have happened eventually. And we happened. And it was good. But reasons come along, and I guess feelings are really a valid thing that ought to be respected. I get his standpoint. It's completely valid, and I appreciate the fact that he TOLD ME about it before it got out of hand or before either one of us would have gotten hurt on account of the other person.
I saw it coming, anyway. I questioned "our relationship" and turned it over and over in my head to examine it from every which possible way. And I don't know if we could have been good together or not, in the long run, but we are definitely great together as friends. And he doesn't want to lose that.
Lol. He specifically addressed that, because he said that he knows I have a policy of never speaking to my exes again and cutting them off completely. And he specifically asked me to not do that in our case. (can I insert a smiley face here? Because if I'm being honest it's nice to know that you mean that much to a human that they'd rather not lose you). But for one, he doesn't feel like an ex. Even looking at him while he was talking and trying to put that label on him...it didn't feel right. Exes imply a failed relationship. Ours didn't fail...it just wasn't the right time, not yet for him, and me? Well I was scared the whole way through.
But nothing actually went wrong...
What I find, however, is that I found someone for whom I was willing to put out an effort and go the extra mile. I didn't know I had that in me, and it's a good thing to know. Now when I look at him, (sigh) there are feelings there. And I guess those will probably be there for a while. A little bit longer than they usually last before I can get over them, because of the level of physical intimacy that was reached, and apparently that has some sort of an effect on women. Blah. Screw that. I don't know if that's true or not.
But it's good that even when we were officially a couple, we could be totally platonic, not all lovey dovey. It's not in my nature to be lovey dovey anyway. And I don't know if it's how he relates to me specifically, but it doesn't seem to be in his to be all lovey dovey all the time either. He'd do a sweet thing every now and again, or become cuddly, but not all the time like some people.
I guess the thing that I will miss most is the option to cuddle. I liked knowing that that option was there, even though I rarely made use of it.
After we had that conversation it sort of segued into a really long conversation about people's perception of hell and movies and video games that depict it...and it was just...him. Like he ceased to be Calvin, the boyfriend, or Calvin, the best friend, and it was just a great conversation again like the ones we used to have. I sort of got immersed in it. And I'd missed that, like, a lot.
In a way, I think I might prefer us as best friends. Because with that, there are no obligations, and nothing has to have extra meaning or be dissected and....God, I missed that. I almost feel like crying, but not out of sadness or loss, but from like, relief and catharsis.
And I like the best friend status. In my mind, that's the highest elevation a female can attain in a male's world, besides being the long-term girlfriend or wife. Once that person comes into play, naturally the best friend should take a backseat, if not disappear forever (depending on how the wife/girlfriend feels about it) and I get that, but...if you're the best friend, you're the one he comes to when he's having issues, and you get to help him sort them out. And that's what I want to be able to do. Without judgment or anything at stake. I liked being the one that he would text with updates on how his date went. Even though that was what finally led me to let him know how I felt...well, that wasn't exactly it. It was that night at Richard's house where he was unbearably "normal" with me. Once I waited for my PMS symptoms to pass, I realized I had to say something or else it was going to eat at me until I couldn't stand it anymore.
That, and a dozen conversations and both-sided confessions later, led to our relationship. Which, he now realizes, is too soon for him after his last breakup, which broke his heart. I was there for that, and I saw how it tore him up, so I get it. I might not like it, because there's that part of me that's like, but I want to be able to cuddle...I want the physical benefits that go along with being a couple, and I was starting to like him more and more. But....here goes my clinical, logical side kicking in...I GET it. Maybe if I hadn't seen how much his last relationship affected him I wouldn't be so understanding, but then that's the benefit of being best friends. You understand the person, and you understand where they're coming from, and why they need to do what they need to do.
So you know, all in all, I think we're going to be okay.
It's gonna suck sometimes on my part, but I'm willing to get through that because what we had before is stronger than what we were developing lately.
I'm going to be okay.
I saw it coming, anyway. I questioned "our relationship" and turned it over and over in my head to examine it from every which possible way. And I don't know if we could have been good together or not, in the long run, but we are definitely great together as friends. And he doesn't want to lose that.
Lol. He specifically addressed that, because he said that he knows I have a policy of never speaking to my exes again and cutting them off completely. And he specifically asked me to not do that in our case. (can I insert a smiley face here? Because if I'm being honest it's nice to know that you mean that much to a human that they'd rather not lose you). But for one, he doesn't feel like an ex. Even looking at him while he was talking and trying to put that label on him...it didn't feel right. Exes imply a failed relationship. Ours didn't fail...it just wasn't the right time, not yet for him, and me? Well I was scared the whole way through.
But nothing actually went wrong...
What I find, however, is that I found someone for whom I was willing to put out an effort and go the extra mile. I didn't know I had that in me, and it's a good thing to know. Now when I look at him, (sigh) there are feelings there. And I guess those will probably be there for a while. A little bit longer than they usually last before I can get over them, because of the level of physical intimacy that was reached, and apparently that has some sort of an effect on women. Blah. Screw that. I don't know if that's true or not.
But it's good that even when we were officially a couple, we could be totally platonic, not all lovey dovey. It's not in my nature to be lovey dovey anyway. And I don't know if it's how he relates to me specifically, but it doesn't seem to be in his to be all lovey dovey all the time either. He'd do a sweet thing every now and again, or become cuddly, but not all the time like some people.
I guess the thing that I will miss most is the option to cuddle. I liked knowing that that option was there, even though I rarely made use of it.
After we had that conversation it sort of segued into a really long conversation about people's perception of hell and movies and video games that depict it...and it was just...him. Like he ceased to be Calvin, the boyfriend, or Calvin, the best friend, and it was just a great conversation again like the ones we used to have. I sort of got immersed in it. And I'd missed that, like, a lot.
In a way, I think I might prefer us as best friends. Because with that, there are no obligations, and nothing has to have extra meaning or be dissected and....God, I missed that. I almost feel like crying, but not out of sadness or loss, but from like, relief and catharsis.
And I like the best friend status. In my mind, that's the highest elevation a female can attain in a male's world, besides being the long-term girlfriend or wife. Once that person comes into play, naturally the best friend should take a backseat, if not disappear forever (depending on how the wife/girlfriend feels about it) and I get that, but...if you're the best friend, you're the one he comes to when he's having issues, and you get to help him sort them out. And that's what I want to be able to do. Without judgment or anything at stake. I liked being the one that he would text with updates on how his date went. Even though that was what finally led me to let him know how I felt...well, that wasn't exactly it. It was that night at Richard's house where he was unbearably "normal" with me. Once I waited for my PMS symptoms to pass, I realized I had to say something or else it was going to eat at me until I couldn't stand it anymore.
That, and a dozen conversations and both-sided confessions later, led to our relationship. Which, he now realizes, is too soon for him after his last breakup, which broke his heart. I was there for that, and I saw how it tore him up, so I get it. I might not like it, because there's that part of me that's like, but I want to be able to cuddle...I want the physical benefits that go along with being a couple, and I was starting to like him more and more. But....here goes my clinical, logical side kicking in...I GET it. Maybe if I hadn't seen how much his last relationship affected him I wouldn't be so understanding, but then that's the benefit of being best friends. You understand the person, and you understand where they're coming from, and why they need to do what they need to do.
So you know, all in all, I think we're going to be okay.
It's gonna suck sometimes on my part, but I'm willing to get through that because what we had before is stronger than what we were developing lately.
I'm going to be okay.
Monday, June 6, 2016
My posts don't have titles anymore
remember. Nothing matters, really. In the grand scheme of things you can't change other's actions. So nothing matters. Feelings aren't real. They're chemical reactions brought on by...*remembers mom* screw that. Feelings are as real as it gets. Love is real, but it sucks. It's the best thing there is, and simultaneously the worst.
Saturday, June 4, 2016
Seriously, daughters of the world.
How come everyone else gets to still have their mommies?
It's wrong for me to be jealous, but screw it, I don't care. Sometimes I see my friends or acquaintances interacting with their mothers, or complaining about them, and I don't want to say it because I don't want to be that depressing friend, but...seriously. They don't know what they have. They're complaining and being rude and ignoring phone calls and all that jazz...and I guess that's how life just IS; mothers not getting along with daughters and vice versa, but still.
They don't know what they have.
It's wrong for me to be jealous, but screw it, I don't care. Sometimes I see my friends or acquaintances interacting with their mothers, or complaining about them, and I don't want to say it because I don't want to be that depressing friend, but...seriously. They don't know what they have. They're complaining and being rude and ignoring phone calls and all that jazz...and I guess that's how life just IS; mothers not getting along with daughters and vice versa, but still.
They don't know what they have.
Friday, June 3, 2016
I had an epiphany just now.
I know why I've been feeling so lost and strange.
It's because the one person who understood me best, who I could be completely myself with, who knew how to put up with my mood swings and who could relate to me on a level that was exactly what I needed...that person is gone. There isn't anyone left who understands me completely and innately.
So I can't really talk to anyone about my feelings, because I don't feel that anyone will understand.
And as a result, I am unsettled.
I know why I've been feeling so lost and strange.
It's because the one person who understood me best, who I could be completely myself with, who knew how to put up with my mood swings and who could relate to me on a level that was exactly what I needed...that person is gone. There isn't anyone left who understands me completely and innately.
So I can't really talk to anyone about my feelings, because I don't feel that anyone will understand.
And as a result, I am unsettled.
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