dependency

I write when I'm full. When I'm full of some sort of emotion, I write. Because I try to sort things out in my head, but that takes too long and I get distracted. I need something to be concrete, to be able to go back over it and revise it and thus revise my thoughts.

I've been far too dependent on people for too long. It was getting to be dangerous.

My thought earlier this morning, as I lay in bed crying my eyes out and calling out for my mamma, was "Why do I keep breaking?"

It's because I keep leaning on people. Back when my mom first got sick, I chose to lean on Cody, and he pulled away and I fell and broke. Now, after my mom's passing (I don't like that word but I can't bring myself to write "death" next to a pronoun that describes her), I've allowed myself to lean on other people. My dad. Calvin. Khrys. Coworkers. Random strangers who claim to know what I'm going through.

I don't want to need people. I need to get back to that mentality, of surviving on my own. Because in the end, I'm the only person that I will truly live with for my entire life, and therefore, I am on my own. And by the way, leaning on God feels like it doesn't work, because 1. I can't see him, 2. I can't feel him, and 3. he took my mom. So he and i have some figuring out to do.

I know I asked him to take her in the end, but only because she had gotten to the point where being alive was worse than being dead. That's fcked up.

Anyway. So I need to not need people. I've got to build my walls back up, because I mean honestly, it's exhausting to tear down walls and build them up again but it's better than leaving them down.

And I'm so frustrated by the fact that I'm sad. I didn't lose anything (in regards to the breakup). I don't regret being physical - that was a choice, a two-sided choice. Is it that I'm afraid that he won't be able to handle being around me afterwards? Maybe. That is bugging me a little bit. I'm afraid that it's  not going to be as simple as "we put intimacy in, we took it back out." On paper, everything should be that clean, but I'm starting to realize that life is never that simple. If, as he said, his feelings toward me haven't changed...well Nia said that means that there's nothing wrong with me, it's him, and that there must be something "right" with me in order for him to still feel whatever toward me. Of course me, going and over-analyzing everything, is now using that against myself to say what if what happened with me and Cody happens with him...the whole "I thought we could be friends but I really can't handle it" thing? THAT WOULD SUCK IMMENSELY. But he said back when we first started talking as more than just friends that his biggest reason for not pursuing a relationship with me in the past was that he didn't want to risk losing me.

So. That means he must want to keep me around. And he asked me not to cut him off. So. Look man...you can never know anything for sure. You can only know your part, and if life screws you over then well hey. You survive until you don't.

Jeez. I know I told him I'd be doing a lot of writing but this sure is a LOT of writing. On the other hand, I know I'd never send him the link to any of these posts, so that means a few walls are still up, which is a very good thing. I'm  not completely broken.

I learned something from my failed relationship with Cody. You can't try to change a person to fit what you want them to be. You have to accept them for who they are, the bits you like about them and the bits you don't. You just have to decide whether the bits you don't are worth sticking around in spite of, and if they're not, you don't try to change the person, you go and find someone whose bad bits aren't on your list of deal-breakers.  

I get it.

I've figured it out. I know what's eating at me about the breakup. I don't have a mommy to hug. My daddy isn't a hugger. When I need hugs, he was the only person I could go to. That's not really an option any more. That's what the problem is.

But it's okay. Only babies die from lack of hugs.

I won't.