I think it's okay. It's over, but we're not over. This is the one time where I truly, honestly think that I can go on being friends with someone after an attempt at something more. It's kind of like, it was eating at me, and if I didn't try, I'd have felt abandoned if/once he got together with someone else. Because it would have happened eventually. And then again, maybe he and I would have happened eventually. And we happened. And it was good. But reasons come along, and I guess feelings are really a valid thing that ought to be respected. I get his standpoint. It's completely valid, and I appreciate the fact that he TOLD ME about it before it got out of hand or before either one of us would have gotten hurt on account of the other person.
I saw it coming, anyway. I questioned "our relationship" and turned it over and over in my head to examine it from every which possible way. And I don't know if we could have been good together or not, in the long run, but we are definitely great together as friends. And he doesn't want to lose that.
Lol. He specifically addressed that, because he said that he knows I have a policy of never speaking to my exes again and cutting them off completely. And he specifically asked me to not do that in our case. (can I insert a smiley face here? Because if I'm being honest it's nice to know that you mean that much to a human that they'd rather not lose you). But for one, he doesn't feel like an ex. Even looking at him while he was talking and trying to put that label on him...it didn't feel right. Exes imply a failed relationship. Ours didn't fail...it just wasn't the right time, not yet for him, and me? Well I was scared the whole way through.
But nothing actually went wrong...
What I find, however, is that I found someone for whom I was willing to put out an effort and go the extra mile. I didn't know I had that in me, and it's a good thing to know. Now when I look at him, (sigh) there are feelings there. And I guess those will probably be there for a while. A little bit longer than they usually last before I can get over them, because of the level of physical intimacy that was reached, and apparently that has some sort of an effect on women. Blah. Screw that. I don't know if that's true or not.
But it's good that even when we were officially a couple, we could be totally platonic, not all lovey dovey. It's not in my nature to be lovey dovey anyway. And I don't know if it's how he relates to me specifically, but it doesn't seem to be in his to be all lovey dovey all the time either. He'd do a sweet thing every now and again, or become cuddly, but not all the time like some people.
I guess the thing that I will miss most is the option to cuddle. I liked knowing that that option was there, even though I rarely made use of it.
After we had that conversation it sort of segued into a really long conversation about people's perception of hell and movies and video games that depict it...and it was just...him. Like he ceased to be Calvin, the boyfriend, or Calvin, the best friend, and it was just a great conversation again like the ones we used to have. I sort of got immersed in it. And I'd missed that, like, a lot.
In a way, I think I might prefer us as best friends. Because with that, there are no obligations, and nothing has to have extra meaning or be dissected and....God, I missed that. I almost feel like crying, but not out of sadness or loss, but from like, relief and catharsis.
And I like the best friend status. In my mind, that's the highest elevation a female can attain in a male's world, besides being the long-term girlfriend or wife. Once that person comes into play, naturally the best friend should take a backseat, if not disappear forever (depending on how the wife/girlfriend feels about it) and I get that, but...if you're the best friend, you're the one he comes to when he's having issues, and you get to help him sort them out. And that's what I want to be able to do. Without judgment or anything at stake. I liked being the one that he would text with updates on how his date went. Even though that was what finally led me to let him know how I felt...well, that wasn't exactly it. It was that night at Richard's house where he was unbearably "normal" with me. Once I waited for my PMS symptoms to pass, I realized I had to say something or else it was going to eat at me until I couldn't stand it anymore.
That, and a dozen conversations and both-sided confessions later, led to our relationship. Which, he now realizes, is too soon for him after his last breakup, which broke his heart. I was there for that, and I saw how it tore him up, so I get it. I might not like it, because there's that part of me that's like, but I want to be able to cuddle...I want the physical benefits that go along with being a couple, and I was starting to like him more and more. But....here goes my clinical, logical side kicking in...I GET it. Maybe if I hadn't seen how much his last relationship affected him I wouldn't be so understanding, but then that's the benefit of being best friends. You understand the person, and you understand where they're coming from, and why they need to do what they need to do.
So you know, all in all, I think we're going to be okay.
It's gonna suck sometimes on my part, but I'm willing to get through that because what we had before is stronger than what we were developing lately.
I'm going to be okay.
No comments:
Post a Comment