frustration

I am so incredibly, very, extremely, truly, utterly, everything-ly frustrated. Like I want to scream at the top of my lungs from the bottom of my gut and shout and yell and pound something frustrated. The type of frustrated where I want to get on my hands and knees and scrub the kitchen floor till it shines and squeaks just to see some results and do something productive.

And I don't even know why.

But I do.

I want to cry. I hate this. I hate feeling like I'm being thwarted every step of the way. Is that the only way to overcome obstacles? To accomplish anything in life? Does there have to be a roadblock at every turn and corner? WHY?

And when I get frustrated, when I feel like this, then it's so much harder for me to buckle down and do what needs to be done. It's like I can't think clearly. I can't make myself pick up the pen or the pencil or the book or the...anything. I zone out and go on YouTube and watch other people's success.

I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really, really, really want to cry.

I have all this nervous, frustrated energy inside me. I can literally feel it. It's in my arms and my chest, mainly. Like if I don't DO something, I'm going to explode. I've always been like that. When I get frustrated I need an outlet, but I've never had one. Okay, not true. There was that year in high school that I played volleyball.

But all the other years of my life, there hasn't been any form of a physical outlet for my stress. My parents always said "don't strike out," "pray about it," et cetera. But what about when you feel like you're going to combust if you don't MOVE? What do you do then? What do you do when the energy and the urge to run and punch and kick is so intense that it literally paralyzes you?

I'm f*cking trapped. Really. I'm somehow trapped. It's like I'm in a rut and can't get out. I keep pulling myself up bit by bit but then someone steps on my hand and kicks me back in.

GOD.

I'm so FRUSTRATED.

What I want.

I'll be everything/that I wanna be/I am confidence in insecurity/I am a voice yet waiting to be heard/I'll shoot the shot - BANG - that you hear 'round the world/I'm a one girl revolution!

My mantra this year.

So this is what I'm doing with my life. I'm a science writer, who loves music, and youtube, and geeky things, and cats. And bunnies. But I digress.

Here's the plan:

The Crew:
Music/Makeup: Khrys Denise
Cinematography/Special Effects: Calvin W.
Dance/Choreography: Hassaan P. (ps. contact John M. and ask for a feature)

Collab goals:
Pentatonix
David So Comedy
ASAP Science
Lindsey Stirling
Felipe (Whitney's husband)
Doddleoddle


This will grow and change as I learn and go on, but for now, there's my starter list.

God Rocks.