This post might take a few days to complete. I read an article online called "100 Reasons to Date Someone Like You" and thought it would be a listicle. Much to my surprise, the article simply challenged readers to create a list of 100 positive traits they see in themselves that they would also look for in a partner.
I thought it was a great idea, so here goes.
1. I'm patient
2. I try to be a good listener
3. I'm polite
4. I'm friendly
5. I've been told I'm personable
6. I'm kind to others
7. I'm good at drawing
8. I'm a good writer
9. I give people space
10. I try to be independent
11. I try to understand where others are coming from
12. I can see things from other people's perspective (not the same as #11, I don't think)
13. I am semi-neat
14. I have nice curls
15. I think I have a nice smile
(This is harder than I thought...and I thought it would be hard)
16. I'm good at explaining things in a way people would understand
17. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt
18. I don't erupt in anger
19. I'm introspective
20. I'm empathetic
21. I try to give without expectation of return
22. I'm good with children
23. I have a neat handwriting
24. I'm good at video editing
25. I can read pretty fast
26. I'm good at grammar
27. I'm also good at reading comprehension
28. I can play the drums pretty well
29. Almost every musical instrument I've ever tried I've been able to pick out tunes on it by ear
Well, since this is stuff I'd view as good in someone else too...
30. I'm trying to live a minimalist lifestyle
31.
Sunday, April 29, 2018
New life philosophy
I've got a new outlook on life. My beliefs are changing.
I used to think that everything was fixed, that there was a grand master plan and there was this unavoidable thing called destiny, there was right and wrong and black and white and no in between.
But I'm now realizing that life is infinitely complex, people are infinitely complex, and it comes down to the choices you make. It's what works for you. What someone else may think is awful and would never stand for, you may be perfectly okay with. They may think it's wrong, but it's just a preference you have.
Now, I believe murder is wrong. I believe war is awful. But no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides to every coin.
What about the wife who was beaten every day by the man she had an arranged marriage with? And finally killed him in an act of self-defense?
What about the oppressed people groups who are taken advantage of and need their freedom? What about people like ISIS, who terrorize anyone who thinks differently from them...how do you stop them?
What about the woman who tries and tries to have children, and when she finally gets pregnant, it's an ectopic pregnancy which would end up being life-threatening to both her and her baby? (an ectopic pregnancy is when the fertilized egg attaches itself somewhere other than the uterus, like inside the fallopian tube, for example. The growing embryo would rupture it, making the pregnancy unviable). Should we really say that abortion is unacceptable under ANY circumstances?
We are not responsible for other people's choices, but we are responsible for how we react to them. We are in control of ourselves, and only ourselves. When it comes to raising children, we are not in control of them either, nor do I believe we should be. I believe we should choose to teach them that they are responsible for their own choices, and that their choices have consequences. We should teach them to respect all others, not by threatening them or intimidating them into doing so, but by accepting our responsibility to help them understand why this is the best course of action.
Now it becomes introspective:
I am not responsible for what Cody did. I chose to give him a certain amount of freedom, which I genuinely believe is everyone's right, and he chose to abuse that freedom. I am responsible for my choice to not continue to have him in my life. I am not responsible for the young man in college who chose to have sex with me without my consent, but I am responsible for not speaking up in a way to make my feelings of discontent known the way I could have. I am responsible for treating others the way I want to be treated, the way human beings deserve to be treated. I will not try to change anyone; I will either accept them for who they are in their entirety and keep them in my life, or decide that I do not want to have someone in my life because of certain things I don't agree with and remove them from my life.
If I don't like something in my life, I choose to change it.
I'm not responsible for my mother dying. I am, however, responsible for how I react to it. I see that depression is trying to make my life miserable, and I choose to seek help via therapy.
In the end, I have to know that I made choices that aligned with my personal values. And with that, I can say that I lived a successful life.
I used to think that everything was fixed, that there was a grand master plan and there was this unavoidable thing called destiny, there was right and wrong and black and white and no in between.
But I'm now realizing that life is infinitely complex, people are infinitely complex, and it comes down to the choices you make. It's what works for you. What someone else may think is awful and would never stand for, you may be perfectly okay with. They may think it's wrong, but it's just a preference you have.
Now, I believe murder is wrong. I believe war is awful. But no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides to every coin.
What about the wife who was beaten every day by the man she had an arranged marriage with? And finally killed him in an act of self-defense?
What about the oppressed people groups who are taken advantage of and need their freedom? What about people like ISIS, who terrorize anyone who thinks differently from them...how do you stop them?
What about the woman who tries and tries to have children, and when she finally gets pregnant, it's an ectopic pregnancy which would end up being life-threatening to both her and her baby? (an ectopic pregnancy is when the fertilized egg attaches itself somewhere other than the uterus, like inside the fallopian tube, for example. The growing embryo would rupture it, making the pregnancy unviable). Should we really say that abortion is unacceptable under ANY circumstances?
We are not responsible for other people's choices, but we are responsible for how we react to them. We are in control of ourselves, and only ourselves. When it comes to raising children, we are not in control of them either, nor do I believe we should be. I believe we should choose to teach them that they are responsible for their own choices, and that their choices have consequences. We should teach them to respect all others, not by threatening them or intimidating them into doing so, but by accepting our responsibility to help them understand why this is the best course of action.
Now it becomes introspective:
I am not responsible for what Cody did. I chose to give him a certain amount of freedom, which I genuinely believe is everyone's right, and he chose to abuse that freedom. I am responsible for my choice to not continue to have him in my life. I am not responsible for the young man in college who chose to have sex with me without my consent, but I am responsible for not speaking up in a way to make my feelings of discontent known the way I could have. I am responsible for treating others the way I want to be treated, the way human beings deserve to be treated. I will not try to change anyone; I will either accept them for who they are in their entirety and keep them in my life, or decide that I do not want to have someone in my life because of certain things I don't agree with and remove them from my life.
If I don't like something in my life, I choose to change it.
I'm not responsible for my mother dying. I am, however, responsible for how I react to it. I see that depression is trying to make my life miserable, and I choose to seek help via therapy.
In the end, I have to know that I made choices that aligned with my personal values. And with that, I can say that I lived a successful life.
I did it.
I can't believe I did it.
I told Cal I love him.
He didn't say it back, but he did take my hand and hold it. We were lying in bed together, me the big spoon and he the little one. I told him he didn't need to say it back, I just wanted him to know.
It's true. I didn't want to hold it in anymore. I WANTED to tell him. But at the same time, I was so terrified that I laid there for an entire hour writing and rewriting the script for what I would say in my mind.
Finally, it went like this:
Me: Hey, are you still awake?
Him: Yeah.
Me: Good. I just wanted to tell you I love you. You don't have to say it back, I just wanted you to know.
Then I buried my face in his back.
Him: *silence*
A few seconds went by and I couldn't breathe properly (I'd mashed my face so hard against his back) so I turned my head, and that seemed to shake him out of his stupor and he took hold of my hand and held it; using his thumb to stroke my fingers.
I ended up spending the night. Accidentally. I had meant to go home before my dad woke up to go to work, but I fell asleep multiple times and eventually woke up at like 5:30am. My dad gets up at 4:00.
I also had to try to talk myself down from spiraling...I had turned over in the bed with my back to him and started thinking to myself "well, he doesn't love me. Well, I guess I'm unlovable. I guess I'm not loved." But then I reminded myself that my father loves me. My mother did. I know Khrys does.
And then he rolled over and put his arm around me and snuggled his face into my back, and fell asleep that way.
I ended up leaving around 7:45 so I could make it home in time to take my birth control pill.
I texted him when I got home and then we both fell back asleep for a few hours.
Then he texted me this:
Him: "I'm very surprised you confessed your feelings"
Him: "In person"
Him: "You have done quite a lot of opening up lately"
Me: "Me too"
Me: "I've been struggling with wanting to say something for a while now but was always too scared"
Me: "I'm trying lol"
Him: "Thank you *extra happy smiley face*"
Me: "You're welcome *extra happy smiley face*"
Me: "And thank you"
Me: "For being someone that I actually want to open up around and can feel comfortable doing so"
Him: "Are you up for some Esoing?"
And I gotta tell you, although you may think it's weird or that's a weird transition or how dare he start talking about video games right after that...it could not have been more perfect for me/us. ESO is something we share; a way we bond when we're not together. We've spent hours on the phone to stay connected while we play that game.
That's all that's been said about it so far...this happened from Friday night to Saturday morning, and today is Sunday, and my dad's birthday.
I can't believe I said it. I actually told him. I've told someone that I love them, and I've said it first, and I've meant it. I feel strangely...liberated now. Like, he knows how I feel. I've told him. He knows how invested I am. He can have that to think about and consider...(although that part scares me a little bit because I went online and read about other situations - dumb, I know - where the guy freaked out after a week and broke up with the woman) but I know him. I don't think he's the type of person to do that, and not now. But no matter what happens, I was brave enough to say how I feel.
And I'm proud of myself for that.
I told Cal I love him.
He didn't say it back, but he did take my hand and hold it. We were lying in bed together, me the big spoon and he the little one. I told him he didn't need to say it back, I just wanted him to know.
It's true. I didn't want to hold it in anymore. I WANTED to tell him. But at the same time, I was so terrified that I laid there for an entire hour writing and rewriting the script for what I would say in my mind.
Finally, it went like this:
Me: Hey, are you still awake?
Him: Yeah.
Me: Good. I just wanted to tell you I love you. You don't have to say it back, I just wanted you to know.
Then I buried my face in his back.
Him: *silence*
A few seconds went by and I couldn't breathe properly (I'd mashed my face so hard against his back) so I turned my head, and that seemed to shake him out of his stupor and he took hold of my hand and held it; using his thumb to stroke my fingers.
I ended up spending the night. Accidentally. I had meant to go home before my dad woke up to go to work, but I fell asleep multiple times and eventually woke up at like 5:30am. My dad gets up at 4:00.
I also had to try to talk myself down from spiraling...I had turned over in the bed with my back to him and started thinking to myself "well, he doesn't love me. Well, I guess I'm unlovable. I guess I'm not loved." But then I reminded myself that my father loves me. My mother did. I know Khrys does.
And then he rolled over and put his arm around me and snuggled his face into my back, and fell asleep that way.
I ended up leaving around 7:45 so I could make it home in time to take my birth control pill.
I texted him when I got home and then we both fell back asleep for a few hours.
Then he texted me this:
Him: "I'm very surprised you confessed your feelings"
Him: "In person"
Him: "You have done quite a lot of opening up lately"
Me: "Me too"
Me: "I've been struggling with wanting to say something for a while now but was always too scared"
Me: "I'm trying lol"
Him: "Thank you *extra happy smiley face*"
Me: "You're welcome *extra happy smiley face*"
Me: "And thank you"
Me: "For being someone that I actually want to open up around and can feel comfortable doing so"
Him: "Are you up for some Esoing?"
And I gotta tell you, although you may think it's weird or that's a weird transition or how dare he start talking about video games right after that...it could not have been more perfect for me/us. ESO is something we share; a way we bond when we're not together. We've spent hours on the phone to stay connected while we play that game.
That's all that's been said about it so far...this happened from Friday night to Saturday morning, and today is Sunday, and my dad's birthday.
I can't believe I said it. I actually told him. I've told someone that I love them, and I've said it first, and I've meant it. I feel strangely...liberated now. Like, he knows how I feel. I've told him. He knows how invested I am. He can have that to think about and consider...(although that part scares me a little bit because I went online and read about other situations - dumb, I know - where the guy freaked out after a week and broke up with the woman) but I know him. I don't think he's the type of person to do that, and not now. But no matter what happens, I was brave enough to say how I feel.
And I'm proud of myself for that.
Wednesday, April 11, 2018
Hey there.
It's been a few months.
What's weird is I can't tell you whether I've been okay or not. When I try to remember, it's a blur. Blank, really.
I've been trying to be okay, and I think I managed pretty well up until the middle of last month. Then it all kinda went to sh*ts. It's been me missing my mom a lot and that kind of bleeding over into every other aspect of my life, to the point where I was compelled to draw again. Haven't needed to draw in a while.
Jealousy has kicked in again, and insecurity. I was doing so well.
Anyway. The reason I came on here today was to vent about my tutoring/self-esteem dilemma. You know, that neverending, seemingly inescapable feeling we all have of not being "good enough" for whatever it is we desperately want to do?
Yeah. That.
A few of my students have improved, but one or two of them I still see struggling. I feel like I'm not making any headway. I want to see tangible results. But often I'm just playing catch up with their schoolwork. I hate that. I want to be this person who is amazing and the parents are like "oh my gawd what did we ever do before you came along?" There's one girl who I've taught to read, there's a boy (my first ever student) whose average went up from a C to a B+, but I still feel like there's so much pressure. Now, I know some of it is imagined. The rest is permitted. I need to stop permitting it. Just do my best, try different approaches, and eventually, I'll find the thing that works for that child.
The little voice inside my head, though, plagues me with thoughts like "why are they keeping me around in the meanwhile?" How is it that others can see the value in me, but I can't see it in myself?
I feel like I go through this crisis all too often. Every few months. Especially during the transition from winter to spring. It's been a thing I've struggled with ever since high school. There's this weird energy in the air now (not trying to sound all transcendental or hippie) but it's like, the world is waking up, and I'm being forced to wake up too. I need to go outside. Do things. But shaking off the slumber of winter is hard...and uncomfortable.
I bought a pair of $10 headphones today at Family Dollar. I've needed 'em. Sigh. Best ten bucks I've spent in a while.
I dislike the amount of time I spend driving in my car, but it earns me money. So, meh. Not much I can do about that at the moment. Or is there? I don't know.
Applying for jobs is daunting. But I may as well do it. This seems to be fluctuating all over the place.
On a brighter note, despite my unfounded fears, the relationship with Cal has been progressing quite nicely. I've been way too happy lately...and it scares me. We made 2 years at the end of March. Man, how time has flown. Not a single argument yet...although to be fair we don't live together, but at the same time, any difficult conversations are just that. Difficult conversations. When he realizes something is important, he tries to understand and talk it out. We give each other space. And I also feel like we've become closer in a way. So...yeah.
You know, I think I need to go do some cleaning. Like, hard core scrubbing and sweeping and all that. Burn off some of this negative energy.
Alright. Later.
It's been a few months.
What's weird is I can't tell you whether I've been okay or not. When I try to remember, it's a blur. Blank, really.
I've been trying to be okay, and I think I managed pretty well up until the middle of last month. Then it all kinda went to sh*ts. It's been me missing my mom a lot and that kind of bleeding over into every other aspect of my life, to the point where I was compelled to draw again. Haven't needed to draw in a while.
Jealousy has kicked in again, and insecurity. I was doing so well.
Anyway. The reason I came on here today was to vent about my tutoring/self-esteem dilemma. You know, that neverending, seemingly inescapable feeling we all have of not being "good enough" for whatever it is we desperately want to do?
Yeah. That.
A few of my students have improved, but one or two of them I still see struggling. I feel like I'm not making any headway. I want to see tangible results. But often I'm just playing catch up with their schoolwork. I hate that. I want to be this person who is amazing and the parents are like "oh my gawd what did we ever do before you came along?" There's one girl who I've taught to read, there's a boy (my first ever student) whose average went up from a C to a B+, but I still feel like there's so much pressure. Now, I know some of it is imagined. The rest is permitted. I need to stop permitting it. Just do my best, try different approaches, and eventually, I'll find the thing that works for that child.
The little voice inside my head, though, plagues me with thoughts like "why are they keeping me around in the meanwhile?" How is it that others can see the value in me, but I can't see it in myself?
I feel like I go through this crisis all too often. Every few months. Especially during the transition from winter to spring. It's been a thing I've struggled with ever since high school. There's this weird energy in the air now (not trying to sound all transcendental or hippie) but it's like, the world is waking up, and I'm being forced to wake up too. I need to go outside. Do things. But shaking off the slumber of winter is hard...and uncomfortable.
I bought a pair of $10 headphones today at Family Dollar. I've needed 'em. Sigh. Best ten bucks I've spent in a while.
I dislike the amount of time I spend driving in my car, but it earns me money. So, meh. Not much I can do about that at the moment. Or is there? I don't know.
Applying for jobs is daunting. But I may as well do it. This seems to be fluctuating all over the place.
On a brighter note, despite my unfounded fears, the relationship with Cal has been progressing quite nicely. I've been way too happy lately...and it scares me. We made 2 years at the end of March. Man, how time has flown. Not a single argument yet...although to be fair we don't live together, but at the same time, any difficult conversations are just that. Difficult conversations. When he realizes something is important, he tries to understand and talk it out. We give each other space. And I also feel like we've become closer in a way. So...yeah.
You know, I think I need to go do some cleaning. Like, hard core scrubbing and sweeping and all that. Burn off some of this negative energy.
Alright. Later.
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