Hey there.

It's been a few months.

What's weird is I can't tell you whether I've been okay or not. When I try to remember, it's a blur. Blank, really.

I've been trying to be okay, and I think I managed pretty well up until the middle of last month. Then it all kinda went to sh*ts. It's been me missing my mom a lot and that kind of bleeding over into every other aspect of my life, to the point where I was compelled to draw again. Haven't needed to draw in a while.

Jealousy has kicked in again, and insecurity. I was doing so well.

Anyway. The reason I came on here today was to vent about my tutoring/self-esteem dilemma. You know, that neverending, seemingly inescapable feeling we all have of not being "good enough" for whatever it is we desperately want to do?

Yeah. That.

A few of my students have improved, but one or two of them I still see struggling. I feel like I'm not making any headway. I want to see tangible results. But often I'm just playing catch up with their schoolwork. I hate that. I want to be this person who is amazing and the parents are like "oh my gawd what did we ever do before you came along?" There's one girl who I've taught to read, there's a boy (my first ever student) whose average went up from a C to a B+, but I still feel like there's so much pressure. Now, I know some of it is imagined. The rest is permitted. I need to stop permitting it. Just do my best, try different approaches, and eventually, I'll find the thing that works for that child.

The little voice inside my head, though, plagues me with thoughts like "why are they keeping me around in the meanwhile?" How is it that others can see the value in me, but I can't see it in myself?

I feel like I go through this crisis all too often. Every few months. Especially during the transition from winter to spring. It's been a thing I've struggled with ever since high school. There's this weird energy in the air now (not trying to sound all transcendental or hippie) but it's like, the world is waking up, and I'm being forced to wake up too. I need to go outside. Do things. But shaking off the slumber of winter is hard...and uncomfortable.

I bought a pair of $10 headphones today at Family Dollar. I've needed 'em. Sigh. Best ten bucks I've spent in a while.

I dislike the amount of time I spend driving in my car, but it earns me money. So, meh. Not much I can do about that at the moment. Or is there? I don't know.

Applying for jobs is daunting. But I may as well do it. This seems to be fluctuating all over the place.

On a brighter note, despite my unfounded fears, the relationship with Cal has been progressing quite nicely. I've been way too happy lately...and it scares me. We made 2 years at the end of March. Man, how time has flown. Not a single argument yet...although to be fair we don't live together, but at the same time, any difficult conversations are just that. Difficult conversations. When he realizes something is important, he tries to understand and talk it out. We give each other space. And I also feel like we've become closer in a way. So...yeah.

You know, I think I need to go do some cleaning. Like, hard core scrubbing and sweeping and all that. Burn off some of this negative energy.

Alright. Later.