I did it.

I can't believe I did it.

I told Cal I love him.

He didn't say it back, but he did take my hand and hold it. We were lying in bed together, me the big spoon and he the little one. I told him he didn't need to say it back, I just wanted him to know.

It's true. I didn't want to hold it in anymore. I WANTED to tell him. But at the same time, I was so terrified that I laid there for an entire hour writing and rewriting the script for what I would say in my mind.

Finally, it went like this:

Me: Hey, are you still awake?
Him: Yeah.
Me: Good. I just wanted to tell you I love you. You don't have to say it back, I just wanted you to know.

Then I buried my face in his back.

Him: *silence*

A few seconds went by and I couldn't breathe properly (I'd mashed my face so hard against his back) so I turned my head, and that seemed to shake him out of his stupor and he took hold of my hand and held it; using his thumb to stroke my fingers.

I ended up spending the night. Accidentally. I had meant to go home before my dad woke up to go to work, but I fell asleep multiple times and eventually woke up at like 5:30am. My dad gets up at 4:00.

I also had to try to talk myself down from spiraling...I had turned over in the bed with my back to him and started thinking to myself "well, he doesn't love me. Well, I guess I'm unlovable. I guess I'm not loved." But then I reminded myself that my father loves me. My mother did. I know Khrys does.

And then he rolled over and put his arm around me and snuggled his face into my back, and fell asleep that way.

I ended up leaving around 7:45 so I could make it home in time to take my birth control pill.

I texted him when I got home and then we both fell back asleep for a few hours.

Then he texted me this:
Him: "I'm very surprised you confessed your feelings"
Him: "In person"
Him: "You have done quite a lot of opening up lately"

Me: "Me too"
Me: "I've been struggling with wanting to say something for a while now but was always too scared"
Me: "I'm trying lol"

Him: "Thank you *extra happy smiley face*"

Me: "You're welcome *extra happy smiley face*"
Me: "And thank you"
Me: "For being someone that I actually want to open up around and can feel comfortable doing so"

Him: "Are you up for some Esoing?"

And I gotta tell you, although you may think it's weird or that's a weird transition or how dare he start talking about video games right after that...it could not have been more perfect for me/us. ESO is something we share; a way we bond when we're not together. We've spent hours on the phone to stay connected while we play that game.

That's all that's been said about it so far...this happened from Friday night to Saturday morning, and today is Sunday, and my dad's birthday.

I can't believe I said it. I actually told him. I've told someone that I love them, and I've said it first, and I've meant it. I feel strangely...liberated now. Like, he knows how I feel. I've told him. He knows how invested I am. He can have that to think about and consider...(although that part scares me a little bit because I went online and read about other situations - dumb, I know - where the guy freaked out after a week and broke up with the woman) but I know him. I don't think he's the type of person to do that, and not now. But no matter what happens, I was brave enough to say how I feel.

And I'm proud of myself for that.