ruminating on life

I want to be perfect.

To be the person who is always on time, is always reliable, is completely holy, has her life together, takes the few extra minutes to separate the garbage from the recycling, never leaves dishes in the sink, prepares for everything in advance, is respected by everyone, takes no flak from anyone, has super high standards which all who come around must abide by..........

I realize that as I'm writing all this...it's what my dad wants me to be. Or rather, expects of me. And I feel bad that I can't measure up. I mean, I could, if I tried. If I tried hard enough. If I never slacked off of myself and never allowed myself to be lazy or to just allow someone to be themselves around me....

Am I a bad person because I don't rebuke others the moment they cuss around me?

Because sometimes I leave dishes in the sink for two days?

Because I put off preparing for tutoring until the very last minute?

Because it took me six years to graduate college instead of four?

Who am I?

Like, me. When you strip me down to my core and see what I have accomplished and what I like to do and what I manage to do on my own...with my own priorities. I mean, I'm an adult. Who has already lost one parent and (God forbid) could potentially lose the other and would have to freaking fend for myself entirely.

Yes, it took me six years to graduate, but that's because I insisted upon graduating with a specialization in neuroscience and that course was only offered in the fall and only at my school (and I got an A- in that course, BTW).

I'm currently a private tutor (my own business) and a freelance editor. With actual experience under my belt.

I own a car that I'm paying the note on. (well, the bank still technically owns it, but it's MINE, if you get what I mean).

I try to keep my room relatively neat (and this has improved DRASTICALLY to the point that it's almost always neat AND ORGANIZED).

I like to draw and read scifi/dystopian novels.

I'm great at writing.

I don't mind when people cuss in my presence, as long as it's not non-stop all the time, or a radically uncalled-for cuss. You can't change people.

I don't make a habit of cussing out loud...because that's my own choice. I do it plenty in my head, though.

I don't see what the big deal is about not having sex without a marriage covenant...because...yes, if everyone waited until marriage it would cut down on STIs and possibly a good deal on heartbreak, BUT nothing is guaranteed. People get divorced all the time. After one year. After twenty. Etc. And also,  if a judge can marry you, or any random person who pays money and gets papers...versus a priest or pastor marrying you....like, what is the difference? Or importance? It's supposed to solidify your commitment to your partner. Okay....but...if that commitment is there, what really does a ring and some vows said out loud do for that? Especially if people do the ring and vows and then split up? Why does a ceremony make sex okay in God's sight? And the sex was supposed to uh, what's the word? Consummate? yeah. Consummate the marriage. So like, first you decide you wanna be with someone, then you promise to never leave them, then you seal it in blood (provided you're a virgin).

It's funny. In that order, I get it, but only because of traditions and culture and what I've been raised to believe. It still doesn't make sense for it to be a sin otherwise.

But then again, who am I to get to say what's a sin and what isn't? It's not my world. I didn't make it, so I don't make the rules.

Anyway.

I actually got off track. The reason I wanted to blog today is because I spent some time with my childhood friend Kimmie today (I'm tutoring her niece and nephew), and she told me about all these people we grew up with who are having their THIRD child now. She herself got married just last year. And of course I had the thought of WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE, WHY AM I NOT MARRIED WITH KIDS YET?

I know why not.

It's because I've never been "allowed" to have a boyfriend (I have a feeling I'm still not), and the few times when I did show interest in someone and try to open up to them I got my heart broken and so I shied away from anything to do with romance for like, mad years.

I also wanted to finish school, which I did, and well....yeah.

But these last few days I've had the strangest desire ever...which is to just...have someone to come home to who I can snuggle up with and love, and when I go to bed each night not be the only one sleeping in it.

YEAH. Insane, right?

I've decided to put that desire on the back burner of my mind and see if it fizzles out.

We'll see what happens.

Oh, and P.S., what really has me like o__O is the fact that I sure as heck wouldn't mind if that person was Cal.

ANYWAYYYYYYYY.....

I really want my car back. I have the rental, but I don't like the way it drives and it has way too many buttons and it's a push-to-start and it's blue and I JUST DON'T LIKE IT. I WANT KATNISS BACK.

Yes. My car's name is Katniss.

I also need to wash my hair. It's definitely past time. Maybe I should start watching natural hair videos again to get some ideas for managing it. I also wanted to buy curlformers again....

So many random little things.

I wonder sometimes if I'm immature. Because I still sleep with my stuffed animals in my bed. Granted, I'm down to two now, lol. But at 28, shouldn't I be past the need for them? Maybe I can cut mysel fa little slack because I lost my mom.

It's also been fluctuating between me feeling totally fine, and suddenly having these horrible, horrible bouts of missing her and realizing again and remembering again that she's not here and SHE SHOULD BE...

You know what I noticed today? I came home and was kind of emotionally exhausted, and I hugged Topaze. And I realized something.

I always hold back.

Always.

How? From enjoying something. Like, I don't allow myself to completely immerse in a moment and feel light and carefree and happy or enjoy something. There's always like...a door...inside my chest, that's firmly shut. I can literally feel it. Like a tightness. And if I try to open it, it's terrifying. Like something very bad is going to happen if I leave it open.

I dunno. Monsters might get in?

But when I hugged Topaze, I opened it for a little while. And just relaxed. Except I wasn't really relaxed, because my brain was freaking out like OMG RED ALERT RED ALERT DOOR IS OPEN MUST SHUT IT AGAIN IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE DON'T BE FULLY IMMERSED AND HAPPY OR SOMETHING BAD WILL COME AND TAKE IT AWAY!

But at least it made me aware of that. Huh. Who'd have thought? I really do have a genuine, down to the core problem with being vulnerable.

Also...did you know feelings hurt? Like even good ones? Like if you like someone a lot, and you feel it in your chest like a happy full feeling or a sensation of just wanting to be near them...it's actual physical pain? Not bad, just scary. Because along with that feeling comes the thought of "what if I'm the only one who wants this," or "don't feel this, because what if it doesn't last and then because you opened the floodgates, it would be that much worse if it ends."

I'm trying to remind myself that everything ends, eventually. Whether it's through heartbreak or death. Or Jesus coming back and sending 99 percent of the world's population to hell.

Prospects looking kinda bleak, heh heh.

But...I feel like I've reached a point in my life where I just want to start living the adult life in a real way and have a family. I know it would be a crap ton of work, non stop, every day, every night, every moment in between...but I want it.

I guess....there's a balance and a pattern to everything. I don't believe in destiny anymore, but there is a schedule to stuff, so....in due time? And no need to rush anything. I tend to do that. Rush stuff in my head.

Is that what fcked me up with Cody back then? Probably. Imagining future scenarios in my head and dreaming it all up. And he got scared and backed out. I would say I dodged a bullet, but at the same time, it could have worked maybe if it started from back then. But now, yeah that's a big no no. He's not the right person for me anymore.

Anyway, I learned from that. I learned that you can't try to change people; you have to let them be who they are and decide if you can deal with who they truly are, and also...sadly, I learned not to allow myself to think/dream of the future. Because it's dangerous. And pointless.

I was hoping this would have ended on a more positive note...ah. Topaze is stretched out next to my laptop on my bed, snoring.

There you go.

Positive note.

Compassionate anti-anxiety exercise

Hey. You.

You think that you shouldn't be jealous because you should be completely logical. You think that you shouldn't be jealous because it's a major, unattractive character flaw. You think you shouldn't feel or show any emotions except for positive ones.

But it's okay.

You're jealous, and it's okay to be jealous. It just means that you like him a whole lot. Enough to not want to lose him. That just means you've found someone that you think is worth investing your time in, and that you'd like to keep around. There's nothing wrong with that.

In fact, that's a good thing. Jealousy, as long as it's not expressed negatively, leads to wanting to protect what belongs to you. It's basically an expression of wanting to keep something good for yourself.

It's okay to feel jealous. It shows that your heart is developing in the realm of feelings and emotion, which is something that needs to happen.