insanity

I've always had something against writing things down

because I'm afraid of leaving a paper trail to be followed

But I can't keep these things bottled up inside my head anymore or else I might go insane.

There's so much going on in my life at once...and I don't know how to cope with all of it. My mom is sick, I have to apply to graduate school and take the GRE...and maybe we'll move...and it's me doing all the "looking at the houses."
I'm trying to sort out my feelings in a relationship and see where it goes but my feelings are getting ahead of my brain and scaring the crap out of me.
I didn't take my final exam in the summer course I was taking and got an incomplete and need a doctor's note to be allowed to take a make-up, but the doctor can't see me until monday. And now I called the doctor's office and there's no one answering, and the "voice mailbox has not been activated."
Que?
Yo no comprende.
I also withdrew from the other summer course I was taking.
I have to return one of my pets to the pet shop because he's a bully, and he's been raping my other guinea piggy, and my friend wants me to go with her to Six Flags tomorrow...
I'm mainly broke...
I need to call the department that I'll be volunteering with at the hospital to schedule an interview and then figure out which date exactly is the orientation...
I'll be starting work again in three days...

Do you see just how much stuff is going on at once in my head? And it's all vastly different. Not to mention that I need to study for my GRE, and more pressingly, study for this make-up final which I am fretting about.

I'm not sure whether I feel better yet by writing it down..perhaps I do...
Now I need to vent about this friendship/what-else thing... My mom pointed out about God and how if anyone is not a rock-solid Christian then I have no business considering a relationship with them. But um, hello... I AM NOT (unfortunately) a rock- solid christian. I've got loads of work to do on my own relationship with God...how can I make those demands from someone else?

It seems hypocritical. And I AM trying to do it right...I really am. I'm keeping my distance when we're around each other (which is practically never...he lives like three states away) and keeping our conversation chaste...

I already made it clear where I stand with the no-sex-before-marriage thing...I don't need to go down that road again. I messed up enough. And he's cool with that.
Why why why are we adding this next level into the equation? This demand that he be perfect? Nobody's perfect...

And that's what scares me away from a relationship at all. And it doesn't help seeing my parents argue nonstop almost...any time they talk to each other they disagree. And they SUCK at talking things out like reasonable adults.

Now, he and I, we're not like that...he's really good at talking things out, more so than me, even. But it's all so intimidating. And then, of course, I'm always holding back, because that's what I'm used to doing.  It's how I protect myself.
But my parents both like him so much...there's talk of moving to his state, and my dad even would trust him to have the keys to the house we'll buy until we actually move down there, and my dad trusts no one.
My mom loves him like a son, so much that she gets teary-eyed when she talks about him. He's a perfect gentleman, and respects limits...that's how he was raised.

And he's liked me for 5 years, and been totally unobtrusive about it until he finally made me talk about a possible future together...since I'm graduating soon and I did promise him maybe four years ago that I'd consider it once graduation came up.

I'm painting the picture of a perfect guy, aren't I?

Then why is this all so complicated?

AH. Life. Wherefore art thou....life?

untitled because of confusion

I'm so torn...

I want to do this right. I really do.

And if all else fails, we promised we'd stay friends, right?

Why do so many doubts have to keep coming in? Nothing worth it is ever easy, right?

Maybe I just let myself get discouraged too easily.

If I really want it, I have to keep trying.