Does that make me crazy?

I think I might be losing my mind.

I'm an awful person. Why should God let hardships come if he knows they're going to make me into a worse person? So he can sit back and laugh when my demise comes?

The things I think of doing...of saying...I'm really a terrible person.

If my mother knew half the things I think (and somehow refrain from saying) whenever she frustrates me, she'd give up and die. She wouldn't want to live.

If my dad knew, he'd disown me and throw me out of the house.

Does any of it even matter anymore? I don't think God cares except to be mad at me. He's probably just given up on me. Seems like everything I'm doing or thinking or saying is wrong, un-Christian-like.

I don't feel like living.

But my parents have made me afraid to die, because the earlier I die, the longer I'd have to burn in hell.

My cat is missing.
I'm scared. Worried, is more like it. We just moved here not too long ago and I'm just ...worried. There are at least three little brats that live next door, and the road is right in front of our house.

I have a weight sitting in my stomach.

=(

an hour later...

he came back.
Thank God, he came back.

summer stuff

It's been a while since I've blogged.

In the meanwhile, we've moved, I've completed all the learning days of a summer course (the third midterm is tomorrow and the final on wednesday) and commenced being the housekeeper/caretaker of our new home while my mom is recovering/being really....taxing.

It's all pretty taxing. But why should I complain? If all that happens in my life is taxing and trouble and difficulty, maybe that's all my life is.

Sucks, that.

I'm sitting at the table right now by the vending machines with my study group; there's four of us regulars...Estefania, Stephanie, and Aamirah. We get along pretty well and study well together. I'm just distracted today. Really tired. Sleepy, even.

I've tried eating, drinking water, listening to dubstep and christmas music and pop music and rap, and nothing wakes me up. Not for more than ten minutes at a time though. It's a lot to remember, all these reactions. There's carbohydrates and amines and phenols, proteins and amino acids. And that's just going to be on tomorrow's midterm.

Everything is going to be on the final next Wednesday.

Ah well. I did well on the last midterm. Hope I can just pass this course so I can finally know that I've really graduated. So I can hold my diploma in my hand and know that I've actually accomplished something with the last six years of my life.

One day.

One.....day.

P.S. I'm also finally reading Wuthering Heights. It's terrible and great at the same time. It's engrossing, but terribly so in the sense that none of the characters are happy and they're all full of vice. To the extreme. But I can't put it down. =)