Hello there...
It's been a few months since I blogged on here..and the last entry wasn't exactly upbeat. But today, February 9th, 2012, is my twenty-third birthday.
However.
I'm still 22. I was born at 4:51am, and its only 2:06am right now. I'm sort of possessed with the odd need to get it all out on paper...or on webpage....whatever....
It's my last few hours of being twenty two years old. I can never go back. Somehow, this is very significant to me. Perhaps its because all the other ages I've been have been childlike...in a way? Yes, twenty one and twenty two are not "childhood" nor "adolescence", but somehow, to me, 23 seems like maturity.
I sit here on the cusp of adulthood.
I like the sound of that.
Over these past few months I've seen myself growing; changing for the better. I'm not as shy as I used to be, and my fear of public speaking has all but dissipated. I'm much more proactive in accomplishing things that I would like to do (or, in most cases, need to do), and I find myself thinking more about the future in a tangible way - as something that I am doing, living, right now. My future is now, for me, whereas before, it was this distant dream; a figment of my imagination that involved a scintillating storyline with a lookalike of myself cast as the heroine.
But my dreams are right around the corner. I can see their shadows, because the sun is ahead of me. And as such, I now can no longer see my own shadow...which is a good thing. Let it remain behind me.
I'm more involved in my schoolwork, and I feel as if I'm beginning to branch out more, and take more risks, come what may. Good risks, though. Like just up and going to a professor's office hours and spending an hour and a half talking to him about topics I don't understand, discussing the upcoming term paper, and discussing science in general.
I'd never have done that even in my distant and scintillating storyline.
But I did today.
I enjoy my coursework; I'm also the Secretary and Event Coordinator for the new club started on my campus by my friend (a hair club). We had our first meeting last night (tuesday night) and it was a great success - we had about 20 people turn out. Now I know that may not sound like much, but the room was full, we needed extra chairs, and the meeting flowed well.
And I wasn't nervous more than once.
(huge accomplishment)
I'm attending a bible study on wednesday nights, and I also intend to join the Red Cross chapter at my school.
OH.
I GOT A JOB, TOO!
I work in the dining center at my school, Sunday and Monday nights, till 4am. Tis a wee bit exhausting, but it is so worth it. It's a major boost for my self-confidence and self esteem. I don't feel as though I'm simply being a waste of time and space by just taking, taking, taking.
Its also GREAT to be doing something other than schoolwork and coming home to eat, do chores, and sleep.
I had been very stressed lately; over the winter break, actually. Shocker, I know. But my mom hasn't been too well....some rather disconcerting things have been taking place, but I'm praying for the best and I'm believing that she is healed.
Thank Jesus.
Things were very tense at home, and I went into shutdown mode for perhaps three to four weeks. I began to wonder whether I was actually depressed...but I refuse to claim that. I'm not.
I was just reacting to a lot of stress.
However, as soon as school started, I did an immediate 180...I'm...what's the word? Encouraged? No...inspired?....not quite.....ah. I don't know the word I'm looking for.
*muses* What is it? MOTIVATED!
That's it. I'm motivated. There's so much more going on in my life now, but each thing is a distraction (for lack of a better word) from the other. A sort of time out if you will. A break.
In short, though this blog might be long....I'm becoming who I want to be. Actually, no.
I'm becoming who I am meant to be. Who I really am. Coming into my own. Realizing my potential and stretching beyond it...just to see what happens.
In the words of SuperChick (the band): "We're just gonna jump and see if we can fly...."
I'm staying on campus; I've got half a dorm room =) For how long, I don't know, but its been two weeks, and I'm immensely grateful. My friend's suitemate had an empty bed because her roommate moved out and into ...well, she upgraded. Haha. So she told me that I could use that bed.
It's lovely.
I also got my ears pierced, on January 28th, 2012. But that's a story for another blog. It's a long one.
I think I need a quote.
"Men sometimes are masters of their fates;
the fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars,
but in ourselves, that we are underlings."
- Cassius, from Julius Caesar
Act 1 scene 2
It is up to me to make of my life what I will.
~Cahryn K.
