I hate that all of my posts are so negative lately. I just want it to be peaches and candy and sunshine, Care Bears and blueberries and pineapples and smiles and I want to keep the two kittens that we feed and I want to not have my life turned upside down and topsy turvy and be overworked and unhappy. I want to go back to school. I want a different job. As a matter of fact, I don't even want a different job, I want my career to start.
I have to fight for every moment of spare time I can get to get some writing done or anything creative. It's so crazy. But I refuse to give up. If I did, I'd go mad.
I was so sick that I had to be out of work Monday and Tuesday; today was my first day back. And I worked eleven hours today. I literally didn't punch out until 9:00pm.
It's funny, when I envision my future it's always filled with good things. But when I live it, it's so difficult. I'm not going to bother to complain about my mom because you already know the deal. But we're being forced out of this home so fast, and relationships are deteriorating and tension is rising and we're all exhausted and pushed beyond our limits.
It's so hard. It's just. So. Hard.
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
the nonsense that is my life
It's not that big of a deal.
Really, it's not.
The walls aren't closing in on me.
They're not. They're really not. They're really, really not.
I can totally manage this. I'm stronger than this. I'm so much stronger than everything that's trying to beat me down. It cannot win. I will win.
I just have to write it all out, and prioritize. Figure out what has to be done now, versus what can be done later.
Home Stuff:
pack
look for apartments PRIORITY TWO
take care of the animals ALWAYS PRIORITY ONE
take care of mom. (wtf though? WTF? This is the bit that gets me, besides the animal care bit. I feel like she doesn't do ANYTHING for herself. WTF.)
Work Stuff:
Fire Inspection book up to date (over a year's worth of daily entries) Ok. Do two pages each morning, and two each evening.
CACFP book up to date (over a year's worth of daily entries) Do five pages a day.
Venture Stuff:
Finish reading and sign the creative brief PRIORITY ONE
finish the second song PRIORITY TWO
write more on DBB
edit my Dear Me video
I need to take care of me. I need to take care of my piercings, of my skin, I need to do my laundry...I need to eat properly too. People look at us and think, oh, they live in a house, oh they have nice furniture. They have a car. But they don't look into the bills that come with all of that. All my money goes to the car note and the insurance and the internet bill and my student loans that I'm paying back. I can't even finish school because they won't let me back in until I pay off my last semester's bill. All of our furniture...ALL of it, with the exception of my desk-bed and my parent's bedroom set, is stuff that we got for free from craigslist or picked up off the curb over the years. Even my piano was free from that freecycle website. We're not rich. We're struggling to pay our bills, and we have tens of thousands of dollars in unpaid hospital bills hanging over our heads as well. We make too much to get food stamps, but too little to keep enough food on the table as well as a roof over our heads. Most of the time, dinner consists of the lunch that my dad's job gives him, that he doesn't eat, but rather brings home to share with the family.
So that's my life.
So to the people who look at us and think we have it all together, we don't. We're falling apart at the seams. We're being evicted from our place because we can't pay the rent, when it's not even our fault. Stupid landlord put her son in the basement burning our light and gas for a year and just....
I don't want to talk about it.
Most times I feel like punching a hole through the wall or smashing glass or something, just anything to vent out this frustration. Instead, I sat at the top of the stairs and cried, then went and washed my face and went back to helping my mom.
Why the duck does my life have to be this way? I want to quit everything. Just walk away, leave everyone behind, and hitchhike across the country doing nothing. I'd make more money in a day if I sat in manhattan holding a sign that said I needed it for weed than I do busting my chops at my honest job.
Maybe I'll do that. Dress up in a crappy hoodie and some baggy jeans, make a cardboard sign that says "need money for weed" and just sit there all day.
I'm stuck. In a way, I chose to be stuck. I chose to stay home with my mom when she got sick, and I chose to be so weak and "obedient" when she said I wasn't allowed to dorm. I think....I don't know what to think. I'm going to go read that creative brief so I can get that over with.
Really, it's not.
The walls aren't closing in on me.
They're not. They're really not. They're really, really not.
I can totally manage this. I'm stronger than this. I'm so much stronger than everything that's trying to beat me down. It cannot win. I will win.
I just have to write it all out, and prioritize. Figure out what has to be done now, versus what can be done later.
Home Stuff:
pack
look for apartments PRIORITY TWO
take care of the animals ALWAYS PRIORITY ONE
take care of mom. (wtf though? WTF? This is the bit that gets me, besides the animal care bit. I feel like she doesn't do ANYTHING for herself. WTF.)
Work Stuff:
Fire Inspection book up to date (over a year's worth of daily entries) Ok. Do two pages each morning, and two each evening.
CACFP book up to date (over a year's worth of daily entries) Do five pages a day.
Venture Stuff:
Finish reading and sign the creative brief PRIORITY ONE
finish the second song PRIORITY TWO
write more on DBB
edit my Dear Me video
I need to take care of me. I need to take care of my piercings, of my skin, I need to do my laundry...I need to eat properly too. People look at us and think, oh, they live in a house, oh they have nice furniture. They have a car. But they don't look into the bills that come with all of that. All my money goes to the car note and the insurance and the internet bill and my student loans that I'm paying back. I can't even finish school because they won't let me back in until I pay off my last semester's bill. All of our furniture...ALL of it, with the exception of my desk-bed and my parent's bedroom set, is stuff that we got for free from craigslist or picked up off the curb over the years. Even my piano was free from that freecycle website. We're not rich. We're struggling to pay our bills, and we have tens of thousands of dollars in unpaid hospital bills hanging over our heads as well. We make too much to get food stamps, but too little to keep enough food on the table as well as a roof over our heads. Most of the time, dinner consists of the lunch that my dad's job gives him, that he doesn't eat, but rather brings home to share with the family.
So that's my life.
So to the people who look at us and think we have it all together, we don't. We're falling apart at the seams. We're being evicted from our place because we can't pay the rent, when it's not even our fault. Stupid landlord put her son in the basement burning our light and gas for a year and just....
I don't want to talk about it.
Most times I feel like punching a hole through the wall or smashing glass or something, just anything to vent out this frustration. Instead, I sat at the top of the stairs and cried, then went and washed my face and went back to helping my mom.
Why the duck does my life have to be this way? I want to quit everything. Just walk away, leave everyone behind, and hitchhike across the country doing nothing. I'd make more money in a day if I sat in manhattan holding a sign that said I needed it for weed than I do busting my chops at my honest job.
Maybe I'll do that. Dress up in a crappy hoodie and some baggy jeans, make a cardboard sign that says "need money for weed" and just sit there all day.
I'm stuck. In a way, I chose to be stuck. I chose to stay home with my mom when she got sick, and I chose to be so weak and "obedient" when she said I wasn't allowed to dorm. I think....I don't know what to think. I'm going to go read that creative brief so I can get that over with.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
She
she sits on the shingles
On the top of her world
While the others dance and everyone mingles
She won't let anyone in
She has eyes the color of the soil after rain
A soul that predates the year of her birth
And when she smiles it almost hides the pain
She doesn't know what she's worth
The only place to hide
Is right in plain sight
Where the mundane and the surreal collide
She can't let anyone see
She has eyes the color of the soil after rain
A soul that predates the year of her birth
And when she smiles it almost hides the pain
She doesn't know what she's worth
(Bridge)
A million souls and a billion faces
And she can't be seen by a single one
A hundred million homes and places
And none of them are safe to run....to.
She has eyes the color of the soil after rain
A soul that predates the year of her birth
And when she smiles it almost hides the pain
She doesn't know what she's worth.
On the top of her world
While the others dance and everyone mingles
She won't let anyone in
She has eyes the color of the soil after rain
A soul that predates the year of her birth
And when she smiles it almost hides the pain
She doesn't know what she's worth
The only place to hide
Is right in plain sight
Where the mundane and the surreal collide
She can't let anyone see
She has eyes the color of the soil after rain
A soul that predates the year of her birth
And when she smiles it almost hides the pain
She doesn't know what she's worth
(Bridge)
A million souls and a billion faces
And she can't be seen by a single one
A hundred million homes and places
And none of them are safe to run....to.
She has eyes the color of the soil after rain
A soul that predates the year of her birth
And when she smiles it almost hides the pain
She doesn't know what she's worth.
Friday, September 4, 2015
Dear Me.
Dear Me,
You're sixteen years old. You've just had the most awkward, non-traditional sweet sixteen birthday party ever, four months after your actual birthday. Your best friend is spending the summer with you, and you've just gotten your first job. Congratulations, you're going to love it.
You're also going to save up and buy your first cell phone this year, but be careful. Having a direct line to you isn't the smartest thing in the world. You're still going to be extremely insecure when school starts back, but that's okay. You'll loosen up a lot this year and become more independent. You'll try out for the volleyball team, that sport you never ever wanted to play because it was for ditzy valley girls, and you'll actually make varsity.
But dear me, I have a bone to pick with you. Stop lying to your parents so much. Stop staying out late after school and then lying about where you've been. It's not worth the pain and frustration it causes you when you get home - not to mention what it's going to do to your relationship with your parents. Trust is not something easily gained, and you're throwing out of the window as though it were confetti. Please, please understand that they're worried about you, and it's frightening to see you growing up so quickly - ten years from now, you'll feel the same way as you watch your niece grow up.
Two years from now, on your way to college, you'll meet a boy. He's going to look exactly like you've always imagined, tall with dark curly hair, and a skater, to boot. He's even going to like you, like you.
HE IS BAD NEWS.
Please walk away from him. Don't give him the time of day, don't let him walk you to the train station...don't. He's going to break your heart, and he's going to take a lot of things from you that you can never get back, your first year GPA being one of them. Please don't talk to him...
Dear me, you're going to argue with your mom, a lot. And let me tell you something. That's not going to have changed ten years into your future. But it's a learning process for the both of you; you asserting yourself, her learning to let go and allow you to be you. You'll figure it out eventually, more or less. At the very least, you'll learn which battles are worth fighting.
Dear me, what's with those brightly colored leather belts you're always wearing, and why don't you ever take the tag off? You'll outgrow the "everything must match my shoes" phase soon...I can't wait for that.
You should try wearing your hair in an afro more often...it looks good on you. Don't you remember all the compliments you got that one time you tried it? Don't let your fear of what others will think stop you from being you. People are going to think what they want to regardless, and why should you change who you are or want to be to make them happy? You're the one who has to live with yourself for your entire life. So stop being so concerned about fitting in, or looking cool, or what others think of you. It doesn't matter. You'll probably always struggle with that, but try to remember that God didn't make a world full of carbon copies.
Yes. Ten years from now, you will be quoting your mother.
In short, live your life, and enjoy yourself. Your teenage years might feel like they will last forever, but one day you'll look back on a memory that feels like yesterday and be shocked to realize that it happened over a decade ago.
So live. Laugh. Love...yes, you are capable of that. Just try to direct it at the right people, the ones who value you in return. When you do that, you can live a life that has a few less regrets in it.
And whatever you do, do it with all your heart.
Dear me,
I love you.
You're sixteen years old. You've just had the most awkward, non-traditional sweet sixteen birthday party ever, four months after your actual birthday. Your best friend is spending the summer with you, and you've just gotten your first job. Congratulations, you're going to love it.
You're also going to save up and buy your first cell phone this year, but be careful. Having a direct line to you isn't the smartest thing in the world. You're still going to be extremely insecure when school starts back, but that's okay. You'll loosen up a lot this year and become more independent. You'll try out for the volleyball team, that sport you never ever wanted to play because it was for ditzy valley girls, and you'll actually make varsity.
But dear me, I have a bone to pick with you. Stop lying to your parents so much. Stop staying out late after school and then lying about where you've been. It's not worth the pain and frustration it causes you when you get home - not to mention what it's going to do to your relationship with your parents. Trust is not something easily gained, and you're throwing out of the window as though it were confetti. Please, please understand that they're worried about you, and it's frightening to see you growing up so quickly - ten years from now, you'll feel the same way as you watch your niece grow up.
Two years from now, on your way to college, you'll meet a boy. He's going to look exactly like you've always imagined, tall with dark curly hair, and a skater, to boot. He's even going to like you, like you.
HE IS BAD NEWS.
Please walk away from him. Don't give him the time of day, don't let him walk you to the train station...don't. He's going to break your heart, and he's going to take a lot of things from you that you can never get back, your first year GPA being one of them. Please don't talk to him...
Dear me, you're going to argue with your mom, a lot. And let me tell you something. That's not going to have changed ten years into your future. But it's a learning process for the both of you; you asserting yourself, her learning to let go and allow you to be you. You'll figure it out eventually, more or less. At the very least, you'll learn which battles are worth fighting.
Dear me, what's with those brightly colored leather belts you're always wearing, and why don't you ever take the tag off? You'll outgrow the "everything must match my shoes" phase soon...I can't wait for that.
You should try wearing your hair in an afro more often...it looks good on you. Don't you remember all the compliments you got that one time you tried it? Don't let your fear of what others will think stop you from being you. People are going to think what they want to regardless, and why should you change who you are or want to be to make them happy? You're the one who has to live with yourself for your entire life. So stop being so concerned about fitting in, or looking cool, or what others think of you. It doesn't matter. You'll probably always struggle with that, but try to remember that God didn't make a world full of carbon copies.
Yes. Ten years from now, you will be quoting your mother.
In short, live your life, and enjoy yourself. Your teenage years might feel like they will last forever, but one day you'll look back on a memory that feels like yesterday and be shocked to realize that it happened over a decade ago.
So live. Laugh. Love...yes, you are capable of that. Just try to direct it at the right people, the ones who value you in return. When you do that, you can live a life that has a few less regrets in it.
And whatever you do, do it with all your heart.
Dear me,
I love you.
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
organizing
I do all my stuff here.
All my stuff.
You just don't see it.
*smiles*
Anyway.
Okay, so I've come across this really cool and helpful blog, that helps new and beginning bloggers to blog more bloggerifically.
(that made perfect sense in my head)
So I'm going to attempt to make a thing, for my thing, and I'm going to write down what sort of things I need in my thing.
(that also made perfect sense)
Ok. So for my nerdy stuff, here's what I need in a topic planner.
Main Section
Day it gets posted on
Research (bibliography)
topic
post number
title
ideas
tags
keyword phrase
checklist
spellcheck
feature image
add tags
categorize it
promote it
Social media section
feature image
condensed summary
bit.ly
Gosh but sometimes I just get lazy. And I'm hot.
=(
All my stuff.
You just don't see it.
*smiles*
Anyway.
Okay, so I've come across this really cool and helpful blog, that helps new and beginning bloggers to blog more bloggerifically.
(that made perfect sense in my head)
So I'm going to attempt to make a thing, for my thing, and I'm going to write down what sort of things I need in my thing.
(that also made perfect sense)
Ok. So for my nerdy stuff, here's what I need in a topic planner.
Main Section
Day it gets posted on
Research (bibliography)
topic
post number
title
ideas
tags
keyword phrase
checklist
spellcheck
feature image
add tags
categorize it
promote it
Social media section
feature image
condensed summary
bit.ly
Gosh but sometimes I just get lazy. And I'm hot.
=(
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