the nonsense that is my life

It's not that big of a deal.

Really, it's not.

The walls aren't closing in on me.

They're not. They're really not. They're really, really not.

I can totally manage this. I'm stronger than this. I'm so much stronger than everything that's trying to beat me down. It cannot win. I will win.

I just have to write it all out, and prioritize. Figure out what has to be done now, versus what can be done later.

Home Stuff:
pack
look for apartments PRIORITY TWO
take care of the animals ALWAYS PRIORITY ONE
take care of mom. (wtf though? WTF? This is the bit that gets me, besides the animal care bit. I feel like she doesn't do ANYTHING for herself. WTF.)


Work Stuff:
Fire Inspection book up to date (over a year's worth of daily entries) Ok. Do two pages each morning, and two each evening.
CACFP book up to date (over a year's worth of daily entries) Do five pages a day.

Venture Stuff:
Finish reading and sign the creative brief PRIORITY ONE
finish the second song PRIORITY TWO
write more on DBB
edit my Dear Me video

I need to take care of me. I need to take care of my piercings, of my skin, I need to do my laundry...I need to eat properly too. People look at us and think, oh, they live in a house, oh they have nice furniture. They have a car. But they don't look into the bills that come with all of that. All my money goes to the car note and the insurance and the internet bill and my student loans that I'm paying back. I can't even finish school because they won't let me back in until I pay off my last semester's bill. All of our furniture...ALL of it, with the exception of my desk-bed and my parent's bedroom set, is stuff that we got for free from craigslist or picked up off the curb over the years. Even my piano was free from that freecycle website. We're not rich. We're struggling to pay our bills, and we have tens of thousands of dollars in unpaid hospital bills hanging over our heads as well. We make too much to get food stamps, but too little to keep enough food on the table as well as a roof over our heads. Most of the time, dinner consists of the lunch that my dad's job gives him, that he doesn't eat, but rather brings home to share with the family.

So that's my life.

So to the people who look at us and think we have it all together, we don't. We're falling apart at the seams. We're being evicted from our place because we can't pay the rent, when it's not even our fault. Stupid landlord put her son in the basement burning our light and gas for a year and just....

I don't want to talk about it.

Most times I feel like punching a hole through the wall or smashing glass or something, just anything to vent out this frustration. Instead, I sat at the top of the stairs and cried, then went and washed my face and went back to helping my mom.

Why the duck does my life have to be this way? I want to quit everything. Just walk away, leave everyone behind, and hitchhike across the country doing nothing. I'd make more money in a day if I sat in manhattan holding a sign that said I needed it for weed than I do busting my chops at my honest job.

Maybe I'll do that. Dress up in a crappy hoodie and some baggy jeans, make a cardboard sign that says "need money for weed" and just sit there all day.

I'm stuck. In a way, I chose to be stuck. I chose to stay home with my mom when she got sick, and I chose to be so weak and "obedient" when she said I wasn't allowed to dorm. I think....I don't know what to think. I'm going to go read that creative brief so I can get that over with.