Funny how you can go from having an absolutely amazing day one day to having a totally awful one the next.
Emotions aren't to be trusted, I guess.
I'd intended to blog about my great day, Tuesday, but didn't quite get around to it.
I was feeling fairly stable emotionally, I spent a little while playing ESO with Cal, I went to tutoring, and then, because the day had been unusually warm for mid-May, a thunderstorm rolled around - our first real thunderstorm for the year.
It was beautiful. Lightning streaked across the sky, thunder rolled, and the rain beat down mercilessly. Flash floods were reported everywhere. And the trees, the newly green trees, they whipped back and forth in the wind and threw their branches to the ground.
I chose to drive in it, to do Lyft. I ended up doing Uber instead, but same difference. To an extent.
Then, as the sun began to go down and I was heading towards Manhattan, the clouds in the west took on an unearthly orange glow. Glancing into the rearview mirror, all behind me was slate gray, dark and angry. But up ahead the sun was setting, and it looked to me like an alien planet. The opaque orange clouds, so unreal with the city skyline glowing against them.
The sun finally managed to peek out, and when it did, it was a red-orange ball of fire, hanging over the horizon like a glowing coal. And to the east: a double rainbow.
I have not seen such beauty in such a long time. I hadn't allowed myself to feel so content in such a long time. It had been such a long time since I'd felt anything that stirred me the way it used to years ago, when I was younger and less damaged.
When I dropped off my passenger in the city, I picked up my friend Nia from work a little farther uptown. We live in the same area, so my ride back wasn't wasted. Instead, I had good company and she bought me Chick fil'a. I'd never tried it before.
All in all, it was a good day. A really good day.
And I would like to leave this blog post here, end it on this note, because I haven't had happy blog posts in a while.
Thursday, May 17, 2018
Saturday, May 12, 2018
I haven't been doing too well lately
At what point do you fight past what's bothering you, and at what point do you "follow your gut" and decide something isn't right for you, or healthy?
I guess after you know you've done all you can to rule out that it's not your gut - which I haven't done yet.
I'll be starting therapy soon. Tuesday is my second intake meeting (well, re-intake, since I didn't follow up the first time a year ago) and after that, I'll be matched with a therapist.
Yesterday was an awful day for me. I was stressed, tired, lonely, didn't feel well, and was generally unable to deal with the little hardships that the day threw at me. I started the day out with a headache that lingered for most of the day, I had to drive to New Jersey to complete 17 Lyft rides in order to finish my quest, my allergies were bothering me, I got stuck in traffic for pretty much every single trip, the GPS and Lyft driver app kept glitching out and losing service, I was miserable because I hadn't gotten a reply from Cal in several hours, I had to pee but riders kept getting added to my queue and I didn't want to miss out on the opportunity or have my acceptance rating go down, Khrys was busy the whole day so she couldn't talk, the lady in Dunkin Donuts was stressed out too and so was kind of rude to me, I had to pay too many tolls...
See, my tendency is that when I have a bad day, I want to call it quits on everything. I catastrophize. I'm unable to handle all the little things, and I swell them up to mean that everything is awful and bad and I'm not good enough and see how many little things are going wrong that probably means big things are going to go wrong too.
When I get like this, I feel awkward being around people. There have been times when I feel awkward being around my dad, my brother and his family, even Khrys and Cal. Like I don't know what to say. I feel like I'm intruding on their space. I want to run away. I think I'm bothering them. I think they don't want to know what's going on in my life so I should just leave them alone. Then when they do reach out to me, I'm irritable, because I feel like, if you don't want to talk to me anyway, why bother now?
There's a little part of me that's telling me that's irrational, but I'm not so sure it is.
I don't know what's so special about me, anyway, that people would want to be around me. That would make me memorable or make someone not want to lose me. The f*cked up part about that is, that my friends have told me. They've said I'm a great friend, a good listener, someone who gives good advice and makes them want to be a better version of themselves and try new things, someone who talks them down from the ledge and is there for them when they're down.
But I can't see these things about myself. Or at least, I feel like they're not enough, like someone else could probably do them better.
I only remember the bad parts. Those are the only parts that feel true.
The parts where Meika made me feel bad for not seeing her often enough. The guilt trips my brother puts on me for not being a big enough part of my niece and nephew's lives. The time when I trusted Cody with everything I had and he took it all and gave it to a female friend of his and left me in the dust. When all I was, all I am, wasn't good enough for people.
That's what I remember.
That's what my brain plays over and over again, on a loop, when I have a bad day.
Or week.
Or month.
This is going to take what seems like a sudden turn, but it's not, because it's all connected in my head.
So I wonder whether Cal is right for me, or whether I'm forcing myself to be right for him. Then because I'm wondering this, I wonder whether that's proof that he's not right for me.
There are times when I'm satisfied, happy, content, and just really freaking happy to be with him. I don't overthink our conversations, I'm not afraid to say something that might somehow offend his ego or remind him of something sad, I'm not questioning whether we are "just right" in this moment, nor am I actively thinking about how we are together. I'm just there. Happy. In the moment.
Now, I know the whole "offend the ego" thing might come up as a red flag. Mind you, there is absolutely NO reason he's ever given me to think that I've offended his ego. It's just that if he mentions he's had a bad day or he's struggling with something and I offer to help, if he takes a while to reply I immediately think "oh I must have offended him, that was probably out of line, now he thinks I pity him and he's got his feelings hurt." But then his replies always make my thought processes seem unfounded.
Just so we get that cleared up.
But now for the other times. The times when I'm overthinking and nervous.
Stress Factor 1: He would complain sometimes about a friend of his that calls and doesn't really have anything to say. Who calls while he's walking to the train station, just for company's sake, and how it's annoying to him.
My Reaction: Oh my goodness, I can't call him if I just want to hear his voice or just talk to him about nothing important, because I'll be annoying just like that friend and he'll be waiting to get off the phone with me. I must have something interesting planned out to talk to him about, or else I'm not justified in calling him. When I do call him and there's a momentary lapse in conversation, I panic because I assume that I'm boring him.
Actual Conversations: He'll stay on the phone with me for hours at a time, if he has to go because he's working he'll call me back as soon as he drops off his passenger, up to multiple times for the day/night. He'll stay on the phone with me until he's actually climbed into bed and turned off the lights and is ready to go to sleep. We've actually spent 7 hours straight on the phone while playing ESO. Usually, he's the one to call me.
Stress Factor 2: He's quite critical of others when they don't use common sense or do things in a way that he considers the ideal way to do something.
My Reaction: The moment I do something and realize it wasn't the best way to do it, I think that he must think I'm stupid, and he's going to break up with me because he's eventually going to get tired of being together with someone who makes bad decisions or stupid little mistakes.
Actual Fact: He's never criticized me harshly...only pointed out once or twice something that needs to be improved such as, and here are the actual things: I shouldn't switch lanes in front of an oncoming truck because it can kill me and anyone else in the car, and I need to be more alert when I drive and put on my indicator earlier before switching lanes. Legit. That's all.
Stress Factor 3: His female friend that he met while we were separated.
My Reaction: Omg, she's so much cooler than I am, she has bigger boobs than me, she has an actual job, her skin looks like it's clear, she seems so nonchalant when she texts him and non-overthinking, she's so open and good at staying in communication with people, she's so good at grammar in texting, she probably texts him every single day, she seems to be the person besides me that he's most connected to in every single way (snapchat, instagram, texting, imessage showing up on his ipad), when he's not hanging out with me she's probably over at his house hanging out and cuddling with him, omg he shared Doctor Who with her I wanted that to be only our thing, when he's not texting me I bet he's texting her all day nonstop, he's probably meant to be with her and he'll realize that eventually and leave me just like Cody did.
Actual Facts: I have no proof of them communicating every day. In the two years that we've been together, she's only come up in conversation (by him mentioning her) 3 times, and it was always relevant to our current conversation. All he did was have a conversation with her about Doctor Who, not binge watch the series with her. He of his own volition told me he's not interested in her, she's just fun to talk to, but the one time they hung out, it just wasn't clicking.
Stress Factor 4: "just wasn't clicking"
My Reaction: Does that mean that the times when I feel awkward it means that we aren't clicking anymore? Does that mean we aren't meant to be together? Am I forcing it? Is he forcing it too but neither one of us wants to admit it? Does he really not want to be around me? Does him standing across the room or choosing to sit on the chair instead of coming to lie down next to me on the bed mean that he's not interested in me anymore or doesn't really want to be close to me or that he doesn't want to show me affection?
Actual Facts: I dunno about this one. This is one of the biggest things. But if I were to try for actual, objective facts, here goes: He's antsy. He's always moving; standing up when he's been sitting down, walking around to touch things and stuff like that. He's also not a super-affectionate-all-the-time person, never has been, as far as I know. Didn't get a ton of affection growing up, either. There are times, plenty of times, when he's super affectionate with me, will cuddle up and fall asleep on me (while I'm squished and can barely breathe but I love it), will randomly reach for my hand to hold it, will use my legs as a pillow while playing video games, or will show up at my house while he's working just to give me a kiss because he hasn't seen me in a few days.
It's just that I want more of it. He's so busy lately. Which leads me to...
Stress Factor 5: He's busy and working more now.
Result: We've gone from seeing each other every day, 5 or 6 days out of the week, 12 or more hours of the day, to only seeing each other one set day a week, for maybe 12 hours, to not even knowing when I'm actually going to get to see him because either he's working or I am, and when he does stop by, or I do, it's only for 3 or 4 hours because he has to go out to work in the evening, and I work in the mornings and afternoons.
My Reaction: Maybe he doesn't want to see me anymore. Maybe he's tired of me. Also, maybe this is what real life is like and I need to learn to be okay with it or else I'll never be happy. Maybe we were living in a bubble world before, unrealistically. Maybe he doesn't even miss me. Maybe he's slowly losing interest. Maybe if I ask to hang out, I'm being clingy and pursuant and it'll be a turnoff or else I'm just being pathetic.
Actual Relevant Facts: He's trying to pay off his brother for the car he bought from him. He started going to the gym, and he's actually working and paying his bills instead of always being in the negatives. Also, from previous experience, I've learned that most times it takes a solid week of not seeing me for him to reach out and ask to hang out. But he always texts me, every day, several times for the day. He stays connected.
Stress Factor 6: Back when we first were talking about getting back together again, he said he didn't want a label, because a label was just something to tell other people and only put expectations (ie. stress) on the relationship and takes away from the joy of doing anything nice for the other person because it's "expected." We should just add sex to the list of best friend benefits like advice-giving, and act on impulse unless one of us didn't want to or was in a relationship. He also joked that there should be a household where each of us was married to someone and there was just the sex connection between us, and all four lived in the same house.
My Reaction: WTH? I said I didn't want to be physical unless we were in a relationship. Then, I thought we weren't in one, we were just seeing how things progressed. I thought that the fact that he said "or if one of us is in a relationship" meant that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me, that all he wanted from me was advice and friendship and sex. No feelings, no affection. No connection the way a couple would have. I thought it meant that he would want the emotional connection from another person but just the sex from me. Why would I not be enough for everything; the emotion, the friendship and the physical? I must not be good enough for him.
What Actually Happened: During the time we were separated, he told complete strangers that I was his girlfriend. When we decided we wanted to work on it, to try again, he told a restaurant owner that I was his girlfriend. He refers to me as his girlfriend when he's talking to friends or family members (except for the ones that I know personally and see all the time, then he just mentions me by name). He's told me that he wants me to have his kids, and that the next relationship milestone will be his because when we hit 4 years together it'll be his longest relationship ever. He's said that during sex with me he's been getting emotional, but he likes to keep such things to himself for a while.
My Reaction To This: I'm F*CKING confused, and I intend to talk to him about it because it's a major sticking point for me, something that I keep coming back to. I just haven't managed to sort out my thoughts about it until now.
Stress Factor 7: The fact that he was interested in someone else during the time we weren't together.
My Reaction: Well, I started talking to Cody again, and even did some sexual things with him (but no actual intercourse...just hand jobs) and kissed him during that time, and technically Cal and I were broken up. I was even making plans to possibly move in with Cody in a year's time. So I shouldn't be one to talk. Cal said he just hung out with her once, and it wasn't clicking. When I asked him why it didn't work out with her, he said he "just lost interest." Made a gesture with his hand of the interest just declining, like shooting downhill. Said it must be part of the curse, that he can never stay interested in anyone with larger than a B cup size. (rolls eyes) But my thing is, you broke up with me because you weren't over your ex. You seemed like you couldn't be in a relationship, because according to you, if she were to come back and say she wanted to work on it, you would crumble, and you needed to know that you wouldn't crumble in order to pursue a serious relationship with me. So then why, why during that time, would you meet someone else, and be interested in her? Even if you lost the interest, and it didn't click...why? How does that work?
Actual Facts: They're all listed above. I got nothin'.
Stress Factor 8: He's not big on "Words of Affirmation." He doesn't text just to say "i miss u" or "hey was just thinking of you." He hasn't mentioned marriage. Or moving in together. Just kids. He doesn't say things like "I'm thinking about our future together" or plan out "dates" like I read about online or see in movies. Then I get questions from friends of the family like "So, this thing with Cal, is it serious?" When I was in Spain with Nia and I sent him a selfie of us on top of Bunker del Carmel (with a 360-degree view of the entire city of Barcelona AND the Mediterranean Sea) he said it was a cool view instead of gushing about how beautiful I looked. Mind you, I sent him the photo with the point being for him to see how amazing our backdrop was, not looking for a compliment, but Nia was horrified that he didn't compliment me. And I was a hundred percent fine with it until she reacted negatively.
My Reaction: I don't know how to react. I get worried. I wonder whether him not stating his commitment outright is a red flag, whether him not declaring his undying love to me means that he doesn't even feel any sort of affection for me, whether him not talking about marriage means that he's not committed and I shouldn't be giving him the time of day... However, what if it's actually a green flag? What if it means that he's not rushing into things, not making promises before he's sure? Letting things progress naturally? Isn't that better? What is it that I want, or expect...or prefer, versus what society thinks and expects? What culture dictates? Most people rush into things based on these expectations, and then they're divorced a year later. Or they have kids with parents who can't stand each other. I don't want that.
Actual Facts: He's said that he's not good with words. I've seen that in action. Also, he seems to be more of a doer, someone who will show how they feel for you through actions rather than saying it. We took the 5 Love Languages quiz and his top three languages were Quality Time, Acts of Service and Gifts, whereas mine were Quality Time, Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation.
That's all I can think of at the moment. My brain is tired. My chest is sore. I want to ask Cal about Stress Factor 6 right now, but I'm afraid. I might be afraid of it being the last straw...that he sees me as being too insecure and clingy, but I also think it's a valid topic to ask for clarification on. That thing right there is the root of all my insecurity. It's made me feel like, even though he wanted to get back together with me, said he'd realized that he didn't want to be just friends, said he didn't want to miss out on another opportunity and was worried that he'd waited too long, that somehow, because of that conversation in the beginning, he's not really committed, or doesn't want to be, or that I am not the embodiment of "enough" for him. It sits underneath my ribcage, festering, making me question every interaction, every text, every in-between-the lines. It makes me feel like, no matter what he does to show me otherwise, maybe he doesn't really want me.
There we go.
It's all out.
I do actually feel better.
For now.
I guess after you know you've done all you can to rule out that it's not your gut - which I haven't done yet.
I'll be starting therapy soon. Tuesday is my second intake meeting (well, re-intake, since I didn't follow up the first time a year ago) and after that, I'll be matched with a therapist.
Yesterday was an awful day for me. I was stressed, tired, lonely, didn't feel well, and was generally unable to deal with the little hardships that the day threw at me. I started the day out with a headache that lingered for most of the day, I had to drive to New Jersey to complete 17 Lyft rides in order to finish my quest, my allergies were bothering me, I got stuck in traffic for pretty much every single trip, the GPS and Lyft driver app kept glitching out and losing service, I was miserable because I hadn't gotten a reply from Cal in several hours, I had to pee but riders kept getting added to my queue and I didn't want to miss out on the opportunity or have my acceptance rating go down, Khrys was busy the whole day so she couldn't talk, the lady in Dunkin Donuts was stressed out too and so was kind of rude to me, I had to pay too many tolls...
See, my tendency is that when I have a bad day, I want to call it quits on everything. I catastrophize. I'm unable to handle all the little things, and I swell them up to mean that everything is awful and bad and I'm not good enough and see how many little things are going wrong that probably means big things are going to go wrong too.
When I get like this, I feel awkward being around people. There have been times when I feel awkward being around my dad, my brother and his family, even Khrys and Cal. Like I don't know what to say. I feel like I'm intruding on their space. I want to run away. I think I'm bothering them. I think they don't want to know what's going on in my life so I should just leave them alone. Then when they do reach out to me, I'm irritable, because I feel like, if you don't want to talk to me anyway, why bother now?
There's a little part of me that's telling me that's irrational, but I'm not so sure it is.
I don't know what's so special about me, anyway, that people would want to be around me. That would make me memorable or make someone not want to lose me. The f*cked up part about that is, that my friends have told me. They've said I'm a great friend, a good listener, someone who gives good advice and makes them want to be a better version of themselves and try new things, someone who talks them down from the ledge and is there for them when they're down.
But I can't see these things about myself. Or at least, I feel like they're not enough, like someone else could probably do them better.
I only remember the bad parts. Those are the only parts that feel true.
The parts where Meika made me feel bad for not seeing her often enough. The guilt trips my brother puts on me for not being a big enough part of my niece and nephew's lives. The time when I trusted Cody with everything I had and he took it all and gave it to a female friend of his and left me in the dust. When all I was, all I am, wasn't good enough for people.
That's what I remember.
That's what my brain plays over and over again, on a loop, when I have a bad day.
Or week.
Or month.
This is going to take what seems like a sudden turn, but it's not, because it's all connected in my head.
So I wonder whether Cal is right for me, or whether I'm forcing myself to be right for him. Then because I'm wondering this, I wonder whether that's proof that he's not right for me.
There are times when I'm satisfied, happy, content, and just really freaking happy to be with him. I don't overthink our conversations, I'm not afraid to say something that might somehow offend his ego or remind him of something sad, I'm not questioning whether we are "just right" in this moment, nor am I actively thinking about how we are together. I'm just there. Happy. In the moment.
Now, I know the whole "offend the ego" thing might come up as a red flag. Mind you, there is absolutely NO reason he's ever given me to think that I've offended his ego. It's just that if he mentions he's had a bad day or he's struggling with something and I offer to help, if he takes a while to reply I immediately think "oh I must have offended him, that was probably out of line, now he thinks I pity him and he's got his feelings hurt." But then his replies always make my thought processes seem unfounded.
Just so we get that cleared up.
But now for the other times. The times when I'm overthinking and nervous.
Stress Factor 1: He would complain sometimes about a friend of his that calls and doesn't really have anything to say. Who calls while he's walking to the train station, just for company's sake, and how it's annoying to him.
My Reaction: Oh my goodness, I can't call him if I just want to hear his voice or just talk to him about nothing important, because I'll be annoying just like that friend and he'll be waiting to get off the phone with me. I must have something interesting planned out to talk to him about, or else I'm not justified in calling him. When I do call him and there's a momentary lapse in conversation, I panic because I assume that I'm boring him.
Actual Conversations: He'll stay on the phone with me for hours at a time, if he has to go because he's working he'll call me back as soon as he drops off his passenger, up to multiple times for the day/night. He'll stay on the phone with me until he's actually climbed into bed and turned off the lights and is ready to go to sleep. We've actually spent 7 hours straight on the phone while playing ESO. Usually, he's the one to call me.
Stress Factor 2: He's quite critical of others when they don't use common sense or do things in a way that he considers the ideal way to do something.
My Reaction: The moment I do something and realize it wasn't the best way to do it, I think that he must think I'm stupid, and he's going to break up with me because he's eventually going to get tired of being together with someone who makes bad decisions or stupid little mistakes.
Actual Fact: He's never criticized me harshly...only pointed out once or twice something that needs to be improved such as, and here are the actual things: I shouldn't switch lanes in front of an oncoming truck because it can kill me and anyone else in the car, and I need to be more alert when I drive and put on my indicator earlier before switching lanes. Legit. That's all.
Stress Factor 3: His female friend that he met while we were separated.
My Reaction: Omg, she's so much cooler than I am, she has bigger boobs than me, she has an actual job, her skin looks like it's clear, she seems so nonchalant when she texts him and non-overthinking, she's so open and good at staying in communication with people, she's so good at grammar in texting, she probably texts him every single day, she seems to be the person besides me that he's most connected to in every single way (snapchat, instagram, texting, imessage showing up on his ipad), when he's not hanging out with me she's probably over at his house hanging out and cuddling with him, omg he shared Doctor Who with her I wanted that to be only our thing, when he's not texting me I bet he's texting her all day nonstop, he's probably meant to be with her and he'll realize that eventually and leave me just like Cody did.
Actual Facts: I have no proof of them communicating every day. In the two years that we've been together, she's only come up in conversation (by him mentioning her) 3 times, and it was always relevant to our current conversation. All he did was have a conversation with her about Doctor Who, not binge watch the series with her. He of his own volition told me he's not interested in her, she's just fun to talk to, but the one time they hung out, it just wasn't clicking.
Stress Factor 4: "just wasn't clicking"
My Reaction: Does that mean that the times when I feel awkward it means that we aren't clicking anymore? Does that mean we aren't meant to be together? Am I forcing it? Is he forcing it too but neither one of us wants to admit it? Does he really not want to be around me? Does him standing across the room or choosing to sit on the chair instead of coming to lie down next to me on the bed mean that he's not interested in me anymore or doesn't really want to be close to me or that he doesn't want to show me affection?
Actual Facts: I dunno about this one. This is one of the biggest things. But if I were to try for actual, objective facts, here goes: He's antsy. He's always moving; standing up when he's been sitting down, walking around to touch things and stuff like that. He's also not a super-affectionate-all-the-time person, never has been, as far as I know. Didn't get a ton of affection growing up, either. There are times, plenty of times, when he's super affectionate with me, will cuddle up and fall asleep on me (while I'm squished and can barely breathe but I love it), will randomly reach for my hand to hold it, will use my legs as a pillow while playing video games, or will show up at my house while he's working just to give me a kiss because he hasn't seen me in a few days.
It's just that I want more of it. He's so busy lately. Which leads me to...
Stress Factor 5: He's busy and working more now.
Result: We've gone from seeing each other every day, 5 or 6 days out of the week, 12 or more hours of the day, to only seeing each other one set day a week, for maybe 12 hours, to not even knowing when I'm actually going to get to see him because either he's working or I am, and when he does stop by, or I do, it's only for 3 or 4 hours because he has to go out to work in the evening, and I work in the mornings and afternoons.
My Reaction: Maybe he doesn't want to see me anymore. Maybe he's tired of me. Also, maybe this is what real life is like and I need to learn to be okay with it or else I'll never be happy. Maybe we were living in a bubble world before, unrealistically. Maybe he doesn't even miss me. Maybe he's slowly losing interest. Maybe if I ask to hang out, I'm being clingy and pursuant and it'll be a turnoff or else I'm just being pathetic.
Actual Relevant Facts: He's trying to pay off his brother for the car he bought from him. He started going to the gym, and he's actually working and paying his bills instead of always being in the negatives. Also, from previous experience, I've learned that most times it takes a solid week of not seeing me for him to reach out and ask to hang out. But he always texts me, every day, several times for the day. He stays connected.
Stress Factor 6: Back when we first were talking about getting back together again, he said he didn't want a label, because a label was just something to tell other people and only put expectations (ie. stress) on the relationship and takes away from the joy of doing anything nice for the other person because it's "expected." We should just add sex to the list of best friend benefits like advice-giving, and act on impulse unless one of us didn't want to or was in a relationship. He also joked that there should be a household where each of us was married to someone and there was just the sex connection between us, and all four lived in the same house.
My Reaction: WTH? I said I didn't want to be physical unless we were in a relationship. Then, I thought we weren't in one, we were just seeing how things progressed. I thought that the fact that he said "or if one of us is in a relationship" meant that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me, that all he wanted from me was advice and friendship and sex. No feelings, no affection. No connection the way a couple would have. I thought it meant that he would want the emotional connection from another person but just the sex from me. Why would I not be enough for everything; the emotion, the friendship and the physical? I must not be good enough for him.
What Actually Happened: During the time we were separated, he told complete strangers that I was his girlfriend. When we decided we wanted to work on it, to try again, he told a restaurant owner that I was his girlfriend. He refers to me as his girlfriend when he's talking to friends or family members (except for the ones that I know personally and see all the time, then he just mentions me by name). He's told me that he wants me to have his kids, and that the next relationship milestone will be his because when we hit 4 years together it'll be his longest relationship ever. He's said that during sex with me he's been getting emotional, but he likes to keep such things to himself for a while.
My Reaction To This: I'm F*CKING confused, and I intend to talk to him about it because it's a major sticking point for me, something that I keep coming back to. I just haven't managed to sort out my thoughts about it until now.
Stress Factor 7: The fact that he was interested in someone else during the time we weren't together.
My Reaction: Well, I started talking to Cody again, and even did some sexual things with him (but no actual intercourse...just hand jobs) and kissed him during that time, and technically Cal and I were broken up. I was even making plans to possibly move in with Cody in a year's time. So I shouldn't be one to talk. Cal said he just hung out with her once, and it wasn't clicking. When I asked him why it didn't work out with her, he said he "just lost interest." Made a gesture with his hand of the interest just declining, like shooting downhill. Said it must be part of the curse, that he can never stay interested in anyone with larger than a B cup size. (rolls eyes) But my thing is, you broke up with me because you weren't over your ex. You seemed like you couldn't be in a relationship, because according to you, if she were to come back and say she wanted to work on it, you would crumble, and you needed to know that you wouldn't crumble in order to pursue a serious relationship with me. So then why, why during that time, would you meet someone else, and be interested in her? Even if you lost the interest, and it didn't click...why? How does that work?
Actual Facts: They're all listed above. I got nothin'.
Stress Factor 8: He's not big on "Words of Affirmation." He doesn't text just to say "i miss u" or "hey was just thinking of you." He hasn't mentioned marriage. Or moving in together. Just kids. He doesn't say things like "I'm thinking about our future together" or plan out "dates" like I read about online or see in movies. Then I get questions from friends of the family like "So, this thing with Cal, is it serious?" When I was in Spain with Nia and I sent him a selfie of us on top of Bunker del Carmel (with a 360-degree view of the entire city of Barcelona AND the Mediterranean Sea) he said it was a cool view instead of gushing about how beautiful I looked. Mind you, I sent him the photo with the point being for him to see how amazing our backdrop was, not looking for a compliment, but Nia was horrified that he didn't compliment me. And I was a hundred percent fine with it until she reacted negatively.
My Reaction: I don't know how to react. I get worried. I wonder whether him not stating his commitment outright is a red flag, whether him not declaring his undying love to me means that he doesn't even feel any sort of affection for me, whether him not talking about marriage means that he's not committed and I shouldn't be giving him the time of day... However, what if it's actually a green flag? What if it means that he's not rushing into things, not making promises before he's sure? Letting things progress naturally? Isn't that better? What is it that I want, or expect...or prefer, versus what society thinks and expects? What culture dictates? Most people rush into things based on these expectations, and then they're divorced a year later. Or they have kids with parents who can't stand each other. I don't want that.
Actual Facts: He's said that he's not good with words. I've seen that in action. Also, he seems to be more of a doer, someone who will show how they feel for you through actions rather than saying it. We took the 5 Love Languages quiz and his top three languages were Quality Time, Acts of Service and Gifts, whereas mine were Quality Time, Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation.
That's all I can think of at the moment. My brain is tired. My chest is sore. I want to ask Cal about Stress Factor 6 right now, but I'm afraid. I might be afraid of it being the last straw...that he sees me as being too insecure and clingy, but I also think it's a valid topic to ask for clarification on. That thing right there is the root of all my insecurity. It's made me feel like, even though he wanted to get back together with me, said he'd realized that he didn't want to be just friends, said he didn't want to miss out on another opportunity and was worried that he'd waited too long, that somehow, because of that conversation in the beginning, he's not really committed, or doesn't want to be, or that I am not the embodiment of "enough" for him. It sits underneath my ribcage, festering, making me question every interaction, every text, every in-between-the lines. It makes me feel like, no matter what he does to show me otherwise, maybe he doesn't really want me.
There we go.
It's all out.
I do actually feel better.
For now.
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