okay.

Places that need attention:

• space in between cabinet and fridge
• hall closet
• garbage can situation
• front of kitchen sink situation
• bottom of thing under microwave
• side table
• my closet

Now we need solutions: 

• standalone storage compartments with shelves (for the blender? coffee pot? cereal? teas?) and space for a bin to hold recycling bottles underneath. Oh yeah. Top shelf is definitely getting a fake plant. One of the expensive ones. 
• coats only on one side, other side holds toolboxes. Install shelves along one side of back wall and side wall. vacuum cleaner gets stored in there, along with toiletries and cat litter bag. That's where garbage bags and stuff will be stored too. Oh yeah, we'll also keep cleaning solutions in there. laundry detergent and the like. Wouldn't it be great if we could fit two hampers in there for our laundry? Guess we'll see.
• bout to drop $200 on a simplyhuman two part stainless steel garbage can which will take up way less space by the sink. 
• get rid of that rack in front of the sink. We never use anything that's stored on it anyway. All it does is take up space. Get rid of the little side table too. And the tablecloths that are on it. 
• either set up or get rid of the game consoles and put a cat bed there?
• put the books from the side table in the space underneath it.
• get rid of ninety percent of what's in my closet, clear out top shelves, store off season clothes up there (in baskets - will they fit? they'd better)

Okay. 

see, the weird thing about how I live now

is that it sometimes feels like I live alone.

And that can be a good thing and a bad thing. Like, I forget to clean sometimes. Or I just have no motivation to, if I'm being honest. However, I don't let it get too messy before I start to go nuts and go on a cleaning spree.

But for the things I don't like to do, like clean the toilet. Or wipe up beard hairs from the sink.

Funny thing is, if I were married, I probably still couldn't escape that.

But I'm home by myself a lot. When my mom was alive, she was almost always home. So whenever I got home from school or work, she'd be there. There was always the vibe of someone else being in the house.

Now it's usually just my cats.

And while that might seem lonely, it's not. It's actually just a stark reminder of where I probably ought to be in life by now.

For example, where we live now, it's not by choice, exactly. It's much less than ideal when it comes to the quality of life. HOWEVER. Rent is EXTREMELY cheap, considering we live in New York City. And who really needs that much space anyway?

But here's where the "not-living-alone" part kicks in...I clean the kitchen table and come home to find it covered in bread, buns, napkins and plastic forks.

Know what? I just had a thought. I'm going to cherish this, because one day I won't have it.

That's something that's been on my mind a lot lately. The fact that one day, if life on this planet continues the way it always has, my dad won't be around. Neither will I. And nothing says that one will happen before the other.

Sigh.

But my point is, since I digressed, that I would like to have things a certain way. Decorate a certain way. Build shelves, get rid of barrels and the walk-in closet (yes we actually have one, it's in the hall, though) full of winter coats that my dad hasn't worn in three years (going on four).

Should I do it? Would he resent me for it? Gosh. I open that closet and don't know where to begin. It's full of things we never, ever use. Really, the only thing we ever take out of there is the vacuum cleaner. He doesn't even keep his work bag in there anymore.

There would be room for his shoes, proper organization of his tools, all our bulk paper towels and toilet paper...we could actually hang the coats we DO use in there...I would even put a paperwork storage system in there and buy a shredder.

You know what? Maybe I'm just being lazy. Maybe I should do these things anyway. I want to replace the rinky dink garbage and recycling cans we have that don't close properly with stainless steel ones that take up less space.

All the water bottles he brings home? There would be space to hang a bag inside that closet to put the empty ones in for recycling. Or that little space in between the refrigerator and the...what is that called? China cabinet. I could install some shelves there with a bigger space on the bottom to hang a bag for the bottles.

We need to recycle all our plastic bags, too. I noticed to day that Target has a plastic bag recycling bin. Since I found out that plastic bags aren't recyclable the normal way, there's no point to throwing them out with the trash.

Oh yeah. I want to switch to biodegradable garbage and recycling bags, too. I found some on amazon.

I know people say that it's the big corporations making the most pollution and they're not being held responsible for it, and that's true, but that doesn't give us the excuse to be crappy human beings and add to it as well.

I've pretty much gotten my room the way I want it, or at least to a way that I'm pretty satisfied with how it looks. I need to tackle my own closet as well - since working at Target I've accumulated way too many clothes and I find myself struggling to decide what to wear, a sure sign that I no longer have what can reasonably be called a capsule wardrobe.

I spend too much money, too. I think I should budget out how much I need for two weeks, withdraw that in cash (including gas money) and leave my debit card and credit cards at home.

Yeah.

And take the target app off my phone. Or at least unlink my debit card.

I impulse buy much, much too often. It's like an urge overtakes me and I spend, spend, spend until I have either just enough left to pay my bills or too little.

I can't keep living like that.

I'm tired again. I took a nap when I got home, but probably only slept for about two or three hours. I didn't sleep well last night (had an allergic reaction that woke me up in the middle of the night) and then went to work for 7:00 this morning. Worked until three fifteen...came home...I guess I could do with some more rest. It's almost midnight now. One minute away.

I'll finish cleaning up my clothes and then go back to bed.

See ya. Thanks for listening.

I haven't spoken to my mother in almost four years.

It sounds weird when you say it like that.

Like we have some kind of fatal disagreement, some kind of resentment simmering under the surface, and she's not a part of my life or my children's lives or my husband or my future.

But the truth is, she's a part of all the things that matter.

I haven't spoken to my mother in almost four years because it's been almost four years since we lowered her casket into the ground, the rain pouring down around us just like always happens in the movies.

It's not by choice.

Strangely enough, it doesn't feel like that much time has gone by since I spoke to her. Perhaps because she's in my dreams - with less frequency now than a few years ago - and we talk there. Most of the time, when I wake, I don't recall what our conversations were about. There's only a lingering sense of satisfaction, of a void having been filled.

The thing is, my mother's DNA makes up half of mine. That's what I tell myself on the days when it gets to be too much to bear: the idea that she's not here, that I can't see her anymore, can't touch her hands or come to her for a double-sided hug. I tell myself that she is in me, literally. Not just in my heart, or whatever soppy nonsense the Hallmark "Thinking of You in Your Time of Sorrow" cards would have you believe.

She comprises the building blocks of who I am today, both literally and figuratively.

I see her in myself when I laugh a little too hard and catch a glimpse of myself in a reflective surface...our smile lines are nearly identical.

I see her in myself when something bothers me about someone, and I pause and choose to give them the benefit of the doubt rather than jumping to conclusions or confronting them in anger.

I see her in myself when I don't allow clothes and books to be in the same pile when I'm reorganizing, when I pick up an item that's fallen off a shelf in a store, when I feel the urge to pray if I hear a siren passing by.

She is in my love of reading and creative writing, my tendency to say "gesundheit" rather than "bless you" when a person has sneezed, and in my propensity to gather leaves and pinecones in the fall.

I see her in the front part of my hair that refuses to curl no matter what I do to it, the shape of my fingernails when I let them grow long, and I hear her in my voice when it's played back on a recording.

So yes. I may not have spoken to my mother in almost four years, but that doesn't matter. Twenty years can have gone by and it still won't matter.

Why? Because really, she's still here every day.

I love you, Mamma. Happy would-have-been-60th Birthday.

guys, it's so much

I'm trying to start school again in the spring.

My school is offering a certificate program that will lead into the master's program once the master's program gets approved by the graduate school board, but get this: the deadline for enrolling in the spring is October first. That's a little over two weeks away.

As if that weren't stressful enough, I have two options:

1. Come up with $500 for a readmission fee and fill out a one page form (my preferred option)
2. Reapply to the university for a lesser fee, but potentially as a new applicant, which would mean I'd need letters of recommendation, possibly have to retake the GRE, order an official transcript, pay an application fee and have to redo my personal statement.

Trouble is, here, that they're trying to make me do the second option, because the certificate program is technically "a different program" than I was originally enrolled in.

I'm like, look here, people. You accepted me into your master's program in science journalism. I got all A's. It's not my fault that my mom got sick and died, or that my job refused to allow me to continue school when they PROMISED at hire that I could attend grad school and they knew about it from the get-go. It's also not my fault that when I was ready to return, your program got shut down and then the opening date got postponed by nearly two years.

I think that with all that taken into consideration, I should be allowed back in, no questions asked. Like, for real.

I guess this is what they speak of when they say "red tape."

It's annoying, frustrating and discouraging. If I speak to them in person, they get all excited and say they want me in their program. Yet I have to jump through hoops to get back into it.

I'm not going to give up, though. They'll grow tired of me and have to let me in just to get me to shut up and leave them alone.

I'm going to keep at it as far as I can go (although I refuse to retake the GRE...that would simply be unfair and I'm pretty sure that me re-applying from scratch would cost just as much as just re-enrolling) until they say "okay, come on in," or "we don't really want you."

One or the other.

Funny. I was getting stressed and then I realized, duh, you're dealing with college again. Of COURSE it's stressful.

You'd forgotten.

have i done anything productive today?

Let's see.

I woke up at like seven this morning, drove to Brooklyn to pick up my coworker and take her to work out in Long Island...then I drove a little farther out and brought my Apple watch to the Apple store to get it fixed.

Hung around the mall while I waited for my Genius Bar appointment and bought a gorgeous glittery nail polish, an organic aloe and turmeric face mask, and two scented candles (FALL SCENTS FINALLY).

Left there and went to physical therapy, left that and went to pick up Cal and take him to the post office to ship off the mask he sold (his car got towed because of idiots not paying him on time so he couldn't pay the tickets he got for delivering THEIR goods) and then played hooky from tutoring because I had neglected to tell him I had tutoring so we were still driving around when it was almost time for me to go. I texted them and tried to reschedule for tomorrow (got no reply, so I'm a little worried, but still).

Checked up on my birth control prescription, and of COURSE the doctor denied the refill because they want me to come in and take another pregnancy test before prescribing me any more refills.

Never mind the fact that I'm ON my period.

But okay.

I only have pills left through saturday, and it's wednesday now. Yes, I'm aware I didn't capitalize the days of the week. No, I don't care enough to change it. Yes, I do care quite a lot, and yes, I realize that in the amount of time it's taken me to write all this, I could simply have gone back and made the adjustment.

It's not happening.

What else? I went to get gas & Cal got out to pump it for me (apparently he has a thing about that boyfriends shouldn't let women have to pump their own gas...I think it's a little extra but cute) and then we went to Checkers...

Oh yeah, we went to the bike shop too...and CVS and my doctor's office...

Sat outside his house in the car eating the food and found out I have to mostly stop sleeping over because his mom is bothered by it (grumble grumble) and then I went home.

Crazy rainstorm (got drenched) and then he texted to ask if I wanted to ESO for a bit.

Sure!

So we went online, ran through the sewers of the Imperial City slaying Daedra and being slayed by reds...& he called me on facetime audio so we could coordinate.

That was around 7:30...it's now a few minutes to eleven and we stopped playing a long time ago. He's been sculpting and I've been cleaning my room...still on the facetime audio.

Can I pause to cheese really hard here? This feels like when I realized that I can work on my novel around him...not feel distracted or self-conscious.

I fully expected him to say he had to go when he was going to start sculpting, but instead, he's stayed on the phone with me the entire time.

#happy

It's weird being happy again.

Funny how I overthink too much. Well, not funny.

Especially around my period. Wish I could shut my brain off or put my emotions on hold.

I’m getting better at recognizing when I’m overreacting to something - thanks Jayleen. She was my first therapist, and an awesome one. I’ve toyed with the idea of looking her up on facebook just to say thank you. I worry that it would be unprofessional or inappropriate, though.

Knowing her, however, I doubt she’d mind. She’d probably just be really happy to hear how much she helped me.

Know what? I think I’ll do it.

I’ve spent two nights in a row by Cal, and it’s about to be a third one. I went with him to work today, too. When I write it, it sounds unhealthy, but it’s a nice change from only seeing him one day a week and only for a few hours before we both fall asleep. It’s not like I make a habit of it.

Seriously, though. Things have gotten so much better since the “I love you” admission. Not that they were bad before - everything with this relationship has been on an upward trajectory since October of last year, and especially since late December, when we stayed up all night talking about us and admitting how we really feel about each other.

Physical affection is pretty high on my list of love languages, and that’s also one of the ways I’ve measured our relationship’s progress. He’s gotten literally a hundred times more affectionate in the past eight months, and we have gotten so much more comfortable with and around each other.

Like today, when we got back from work, he had to use the bathroom so he was downstairs for a little while. I came up to his room first and laid on the loft bed he’s built (from scratch, after being inspired by my loft bed, lol) and started playing ESO. He came in and walked over to the window, then turned around and on his way back stretched up and gave me a kiss on my forehead as he went by.

A year ago, that would NOT have happened.

And there’s so much of that now. We fall asleep holding hands. I get good morning and goodnight kisses on the cheek to wake me or before we fall asleep.

I’m loving it, lol.

Oh yeah! So, the other night before we went to sleep, I gave him a kiss and said “I love you,” and he went “I love you too.”

EEEEEKKKK.

Yeah. I’m such a dork.

To make it worse, my heart started pounding and he could feel it, and he started teasing me about it *facepalm of embarrassment* UGH. Why so cute and embarrassing at the same time?

Anyway. I feel really lucky lately.

I keep thinking of the first day I met him in person, when he came to visit my church and met my parents. When I got home that evening, I asked my dad what he thought of him, and my dad went “What? You want to know if you can fall in love and get married?”

Of course that was NOT where I had been going with my question...but isn’t it funny how far we’ve come?

My iPad battery is at 9% now, so I think I’ll publish this before I run out of power and it gets lost in my drafts.

See ya!

I am incredibly bored right now

I’m on my break at work, but it has been incomprehensibly anti climactic. I was excited about the turkey sandwich I’d brought for lunch, but one should not apply mayonnaise if one is not planning to eat the sandwich for another seven hours.

Let that be a lesson to the wise.

I brought my iPad, which I’m currently typing this on, does not have enough of an internet connection to watch Netflix.

Meh.

At least I got my writing in for today.

Today was a great day

Really, it was.

I woke up, had breakfast (pancakes and detox tea), took a shower then couldn’t decide what to wear and ended up being 15 minutes late for physical therapy (oh yeah, I have a workers comp case going on; I bruised my knee so badly at work that it swelled up and I had to wear a brace for a few weeks).

Physical therapy kind of sucked because I was in a different, bigger room than usual and it was way too noisy and crowded. Once that was done, I decided I deserved some bubble tea to help calm my nerves.

So I made the twenty minute drive to Roosevelt Field mall, the only place I know of in Nassau County that serves non-milk bubble tea.

Finally got the order right: large passion green tea, pearls, no sugar, regular ice. The flavor was divine. Next time I think I’ll try it with extra pearls and light ice. That ought to be perfection in a cup.

While I was there, it occurred to me to drive out to my alma mater and see about why I hadn’t heard back regarding the phone meeting I was promised a few months ago. They got a new dean, and the science journalism program lost funding, so they’ve been pushing back the start date again and again. Now they finally said a year from January. Which sounds like 2021 to me. Good lord. I started that program in summer 2014.

Anyway, I decided to pop up unannounced and show my face. They can’t give me a runaround if I’m there in person, right?

Well, on my way up (omg. The nostalgia.) I met a woman in the elevator who was super friendly and started talking to me about the weather. Our conversation only lasted about thirty seconds, but it was nice.

Turns out I got off on the wrong floor.

When I found my way to the correct floor, correct office, and Maureen recognized me...who else should I see and then be introduced to but ELEVATOR LADY?

Turns out she’s the new dean of the Journalism department.

Thank God I was friendly.

I spent a little while catching up with Maureen while I waited for this new dean to finish her phone meeting, but get this. Before she went in for the meeting, she said that she and I would talk, and they’ll see what they can do for me, to see if I can finish up the program on my own. As in, before the whole thing restarts.

EEEKKK.

I didn’t end up getting a chance to speak to her about it today, because as soon as the phone meeting was done, she had an in-person meeting scheduled with some other people and then she was supposed to leave. To be fair, I DID turn up unannounced.

But I got to speak to the lady who manages her calendar, and she told me to email her so she can set up a meeting for us.

Check, done. Just gotta wait to hear back from her.

Then I went exploring the campus...oh how much has changed yet how much has remained the same. Oh! They’re completely tobacco free now. I wish I could tell mommy about that. Guess I’ll do it when I visit her grave next time.

I FaceTimed Cal to tell him about my elevator adventure and why I was there. He didn’t pick up at first but called me back a few minutes later & I told him all about it while I walked across the railroad tracks to 7-11 and got pizza, a hot dog and a slushee. Then I sat on the grass by the train station and ate while he stayed on FaceTime and played smash bros.

Did I mention the weather today was GORGEOUS? That late summer, 80 degrees, no humidity beautiful sunshine type of a day.

After I left my school, I decided to stop by the mall since...well, I love that mall and I hadn’t been there in a good 5 years. Besides, when am I ever that far out on the island?

Got me some fake white converse low tops (been wanting these for ages and they were only $10!) a yellow hoodie, a boho pair of lounge pants (omg they fit) and I got my ears pierced. I now have three holes in each lobe.

I just wanted to be like my mommy, okay?

She had three holes in each lobe.

Then I drove home, windows down, 70mph the whole way...While the sun was setting. Did I mention today was a beautiful day?

I’m grateful.

HE SAID IT.

Oh my gawd, oh my God, he said it.

I've waited nearly a week to write on here about it, because I needed to think. I needed to process it. To realize it's not a dream, even though I had a dream about it maybe two weeks before it happened.

He said he loves me.

I NEVER THOUGHT THE DAY WOULD COME! I REALLY DIDN'T!

You know me and all my stresses. All my insecurities.

But oh my god, he said it.

We were doing "stuff" (insert winky face and NSFW disclaimer here) and he said again that he wanted to come off birth control, for at least a month. Then he said "or we could just stop using it altogether."

Well, you know my answer: Not coming off it unless I'm married.

I'm sticking to that.

That led to a conversation about why, and why not, and has he really thought this through, and suppose I did and then got pregnant and we both live at home with our parents, then what?

He said we'd have to not live with them, and it would be good motivation. (Uh, hormones much? Guess I'll have to be the rational one, here)

BUT. That means he's down for us living together and having a kid.

I still wasn't convinced, though. I had planned that the next time he brought up the "no more birth control" topic, I would simply speak my truth and let it be, which was that I don't want to be nobody's baby mama. He said I wouldn't be, although he pointed out that technically I'd always be that whether I were married or not. I said he knew what I meant, to which he agreed, and still insisted that I wouldn't be.

So I asked why not? Why wouldn't I be?

According to him, because that's only the title you get when you break up.

Hm.

So...you don't see yourself ever breaking up with me? I can get with that. Still not coming off the birth control unless I'm married.

He also thinks the idea of not wanting to come off it unless I'm married is "cheesy," but also "acceptable" because I've come to the conclusion that it's a "me thing," something that matters to me, not just a parent instilled thing.

Fast forward a little bit and I realize that since we're actually having a legitimate conversation about this stuff and expressing how we feel about it, I might as well take it a step further than just "speaking my truth" and letting it be. I was going to tell him that I felt it would be utterly stupid of me to agree to have a child with someone who hadn't admitted to loving me (and as such I felt I couldn't be sure of it, even though his actions were great and said as much as that he did) nor had mentioned marriage. I mean, would he recommend that to any of his friends? Certainly not.

Here's how that went: 

Me: "Another thing that's been kind of holding me back is..." [I had a stage fright moment here - I realized I had no idea how to put those thoughts into words that didn't sound accusatory  - we were having a good moment, potentially productive and I didn't want to ruin it, nor did I want to sound like I was demanding a marriage proposal right then and there, so while I thought, I decided to kiss him to fill the time/space]

*kiss kiss kiss*

Him: [Interrupts kiss] "Yes, I do love you."

Me: 0.o

*kiss kiss kiss*

Me: [like two minutes later, interrupts kiss] "I never thought I would hear you say that."

Him: "Was that what was bothering you?"

Me: "Well...yeah."

We went on to finish up our business and have the most amazing cuddle session ever.

Later that day...

[via text]

Me: So it took you one year, three months, and eight days XD

Him: I wanted to be certain lol


ALRIGHT.
Now I need to vent/squeal/get my thoughts together.

So. Is this real? The funny thing about it is, when I write it out, or tell the story, it feels like it's a less legitimate admission or big deal than I know it is. Maybe because we were having sex when he said it, or maybe because it could have all been a ploy to get me to agree to come off the birth control, like I'd be so giddy that a declaration of love would immediately get me to toss out my package of pills and commit to a life of babymaking and potential (read: probable) financial stress.

But the thing is, (and I feel like maybe I'm just another naive girl saying this) I know him. He is not the type of person to let someone push him into saying or doing something he doesn't feel comfortable with. He would rather be honest and tell the truth even though it hurts than pretend something that's not real (trust me, I've been on the blunt end of the truth stick enough times to know this) AND, we've been together for three years and 4 months now. The fact that he hasn't said it before now...

He didn't say it back when I said it. When I asked him a little over a year later what he thought his threshold was for saying something like that to someone was, he said he didn't know, and that he didn't know what it meant to him anymore. That he used to think it was something one said after having been together for a certain amount of time, but he doesn't think that anymore.

He had, by this point, been asking me to stop birth control for a good four months or more. He could have said it then. Or at any of the other times. If that was his sole aim.

So this is why I think it's genuine and real.

I've also never seen him manipulate anyone for his own gain. Rather, he's pragmatic, fiercely independent and generous to a fault. Yes, to a fault.

Based on everything I know about him and his personality, he would not have said that if he didn't truly believe it.

And when I mentioned how it took ONE YEAR, THREE MONTHS AND EIGHT DAYS for him to say it back (lol), he said that he wanted to be certain.

Nia and I had had a conversation (I think before I even said it to him) about it, and she had said she could see him wanting to be realllllly sure before he would ever say something like that. She even said she wouldn't be surprised if he proposed without having ever said it only to have me go "but you haven't even said you love me!"

So......

God I've needed to write about this. But I couldn't, not at first.

I keep looking back at the screenshot I took of him saying he wanted to be certain to remind myself that yes, this is real. This part is real. You've actually gotten to the point in your life where someone has said that yes, they do love you. LOVE you. Not just "like" you. Not just "care" about you. They've been with you, seen you at your absolute lowest and worst, stayed, taken care of you, seen you bored, boring, depressed, anxious, happy, silly, confused, afraid...and they've decided that even with all this, they love you. 

I didn't ever think that would happen.

Yes, a good part of it is because I didn't feel worthy enough, or good enough. I know that's a me problem. Even now, I worry that somehow it's wrong for me to be loved. For me to love someone. Like that. For it to have grown into this instead of being split-second-lightning-bolt-from-the-sky ordained from Heaven.

But I like it this way.

There's been a lot of blood, sweat and tears that's gone into this. Stress and fear of abandonment on my part. Depression and jadedness on his part. Well, both of our parts.

But I think what I love the most about this is that...I've finally found someone I'm willing to put out the effort for, and who puts out the effort for me too.

And he loves me.

This is why I hate the summer

Heat waves. It’s unbearably hot and humid.

when I get pms I need cuddles.

When it’s hot, it’s unreasonable for me to get cuddles if there is no AC.

There is no AC, neither here nor there.

Without cuddles, I spiral downwards into Murphy Thoughts. Thoughts that tell me that I’m unwanted, that I’m being used, that I’m worthless or not good enough, that I’m settling and will never get what I want, that I deserve all the bad things and bad feelings that I have.

Thoughts that tell me that I’m bad or doing something wrong or following the devil because I cut my hair cropped really short...even though the ONLY reason I did it was to even out what was an awkward pixie cut that was growing out and hadn’t been cut properly when I first decided to grow my hair out again all one length.

Thoughts that tell me not to ask for cuddles, not to ask to hang out because it hasn’t even been a week yet and MY GOD this feels like the longest week ever.

The fact that he hasn’t mentioned hanging out or me coming over is eating at me, but the dumb part about it is, I realize that I’m being dumb.

When I PMS I go tit for tat. I think that because I know how needy I feel on the inside, I need to go to extreme lengths to hide that needy feeling, not act out on it...and so I force myself to stifle my need for a little extra affection.

But then that’s just a negative feedback loop.

Because I get depressed and don’t want to do anything. Then I think I’ll be bad company and I’ll make him miserable along with me, and then I think if I can’t even do this while we’re just boyfriend and girlfriend, what’s gonna happen if we ever live together or something like that?

Then I think to myself, why bother being in a relationship at all? This is too much work.

Yet it’s all in my head, and I realize that.

But what should I do? Should I mention that I need cuddles? Should I see if he asks for me to come over? Or should I just wait it out? Act like I’m fine?

I. Don’t. Know.

The summer is unbearable. It prevents me from getting cuddles and for the last few years my summers have sucked. Like, really badly. So...

That’s why I hate summers.

They say “catch your partner being good.”

Technically, this is an anti-anxiety exercise.

I need reminders.

You can’t trust your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. I saw that somewhere.

Alright. A list of all the sweet stuff. Maybe this post should be titled “Random stuff about him part 3”

TMI ahead:

• He’s started saying “we” a lot. Another thing I haven’t mentioned on here...he asked me to come off birth control. I said I’m not doing that unless I’m married, though. 
• He put his head on my chest and just laid there, snuggled up, for maybe twenty minutes straight, stroking my arm and relaxing. 
• He holds my hand a lot more often...sometimes he will reach for it when we’re falling asleep or when we’re just lying on his bed talking. 
• He built a loft bed in his room after being inspired by my loft bed. 
• We went to a convention in NC together, and I know it seems silly to be gushing over this, but he’s not usually PDA in public...but in the car ride on the way there, with his friend and coworker driving, he reached over and put his arm around me for maybe the first hour of the ride. 
• He often gives me a kiss on the cheek before we go to sleep and he usually wakes me up with one in the mornings.
• He brought a bowl of watermelon for me for breakfast and had it waiting there for me until I woke up
• He came with me to get my MRI done because I was scared and sat in the room with me. He even told me to do like the 12th doctor and go into the TARDIS as a mental escape like in the episode Heaven Sent.
• It worked
• I truly believe he’s honest
• He cuddles a lot more now
• If he realizes I’ve been hurt by something he said (rarely happens though) he apologizes of his own free will
• He had an original painting commissioned for me at the convention in NC 
• He bought me a Yeti mic so I can record better audio for my YouTube videos
• He, out of the blue, says this “have I ever told you how much I appreciate you?”
• We had a talk about a lot of stuff, and during that talk it was established that he’s happy we’re together and he had wanted to ask me if I was
• According to him, i’m an “awesome girlfriend”
• Every now and again, we will be on the phone and then end up either 1. Calling each other back and forth if interruptions come or 2. Spend nearly the whole afternoon and night on the phone just doing our respective things and talking or even being quiet
• He lets me know when he’s done working and when he’s gotten home each day (99% of the time) and this is without me having asked him to do this
• He downloaded the duo lingo app for Norwegian because he said that if we had children he would want them to be bilingual and it would be better if we both knew the language
• He encourages me to write and to work on building a career out of it and even had me come with him to NC (all expenses paid) because it was a networking opportunity 
• He says he’s opening up in different ways than just being openly affectionate and that he’s noticed it himself - he’s found himself “accidentally changing” and “getting comfortable subconsciously”
• He wishes we had started our relationship sooner

I know there are a few more things I’m missing, but this will be all for now. I’m actually really grateful for what I’ve found in him. I really am. 

I haven’t written on here in months.

But it’s gotten a lot better.

I got my cats back. I’ll tell that story another time.

My dad and I have worked some things out and he’s become more accepting of me...and things are better.

Things with Cal are great.

I’ve gone almost six months without a panic attack.

I started an account on Medium and posted my blog post from here about the day my mother died, and it got read by curators and distributed to all of Medium.

I went to North Carolina for an anime/quirk convention.

I did an interview for a staff writer position. Didn’t get it, but got the experience.

I gained fifteen lbs. (Mixed feelings on that one...my butt looks great but my boobs didn’t even gain an ounce. The rest of the weight went to my stomach)

I’m writing on here just to say I’ve written today, because I’ve made a commitment to write every day, even if it’s not related to my end goal, at least it’s practice and I’m finding my voice.

I’m probably forgetting some things, but I’ll be back.

I’m going to go draw the smiley face on my “consistency” calendar for today’s writing goal.

Check.

I want to go home.

Home to my daddy, with my cats, and just have everything be okay.

This is not home. This will never be home.

Right now, the wind is whipping outside, howling and throwing the branches of the trees against the side of the house and sounding for all the world like it's a deep blizzard out there. It's not. It snowed earlier but now there's a polar blast or something coming in.

This part of my life is hard again. It had gotten better, I'd gotten into a routine and I knew what was what even though I struggled, but now there's another page being turned, and it's hard. Well, challenging.

When I write about it I'm not as depressed or stressed as I am when I just think about it in my head.

Thought I should mention that things are going really well with Cal and me...excellently, in fact. Figure I ought to record that for posterity's sake.

My friend Nia is finally happy in a relationship...and I'm SO happy for her. Like really. Seriously. She deserves it. I hope they make it work.

I want my room. My bed. I want to go home. But my cats are here, and I said I would stay the night because last night they escaped the room and there was chaos with the other cats...

I need a full-time job that pays me $30k a year. Preferably $36k. Or at the very least, $30k because then I can do tutoring and make up the rest. And I need it in less than a month's time. And then I need a studio apartment.

There will come a point in my life when this part is past; when it's sorted out and it's over and it's easier. Oh yeah, it'll be hard in its own way, but this too shall pass.

See ya.

You know, if you think about it, there's no reason why I shouldn't have a proper job.

Like, a career by now.

I'm gonna be thirty in a few weeks. I have a bachelor's degree in biology.

What am I waiting for?

I keep thinking I'm not qualified for things. But I'm just gonna go for it.

When I have the job, the apartment will come.

When I apply for the jobs, the job will come.

It will happen.

I look in the mirror and I don't recognize myself.

A lot of it has to do with the short hair, but there's also something else, something I can't quite put my finger on.

It could be that I'm doomed, and this is the face of someone who is no longer a Christian, no longer walking the right path, and it's something spiritual that I'm sensing.

I'm more inclined to think, however, that there's an odd look of maturity on my face.

I look at myself, and I think...she doesn't look naive and afraid anymore.

Maybe it's a look of determination. Of having lost so much and been so beaten down that I'm sick of it, and ready to move on, move out, finally get my own and live my own life.

I'm not sure.

On the inside, I still sometimes quake with fear. The idea of getting my own place is scary, especially when there are people trying to convince me to jump into things before I'm ready.

What's the catalyst, you might ask?

My father gave me an ultimatum, and it motivated me to give away my cats (temporarily). The thing is, he thinks I've given them away for good. He has no idea where they went, nor does he care. He's going about his life singing and playing music and making smoothies and putting his shoe rack where their litter box used to be.

I hate him for this.

But I also don't want to hate him. It just hurts how oblivious he is to my pain.

It's fine, though. Such appears to be life. He can be happy now, no cats to put fur on his clothes, or to meow in the middle of the night, or to come running to greet him when they hear his key in the door.

He can be happy living on his own with his own space when I find a studio or a one bedroom and move out and take my kitties with me, and we can both be content, knowing that we have what we want out of life.

Yes, I'm bitter.

Yes, I think this is a silly catalyst to make me finally move out, but it's what's happened, and that's that.

Oh. I also stretched my ears up to 7/16". I think I'll be stopping here.

New Year 2019

Welcome to the new year.

I'd been meaning to do my year-end self-summary before December ended, but never really felt like it enough to break out the laptop and the charger and do something about it.

So here goes: This is who I am now.

• tea in the mornings
• a barista at Starbucks
• the Starbucks is in a Target and there is cash office involved too
• therapy (six months in)
• really short hair (like, teeny weeny afro short)
• obsessed with the color gray to the point that my wardrobe is 90% gray, 7% navy blue, 2% burgundy, and 1% mustard yellow
• took up linocut printmaking
• actually want to go back to school and finish my master's degree
• same two cats and a betta fish
• doctor who is still #1
• Starbucks cheese danishes omg
• 2 years and 9 months into my relationship (and genuinely happy)
• PS4 owner
• part-time tutor
• flannel sheets 
• ESO
• anime
• watercolor
• psychology internet research
• living with dad
• missing mom
• minimalism
• drawing, but less of it
• classical music
• honda civic
• anxiety about religion and life
• finally close with my brother
• netflix sci-fi binges
• rose scents
• cantu shea butter edge control
• overthinker
• sporty wardrobe
• no bras
• too many socks
• wooden things and wicker baskets
• turkey bacon
• fairy lights
• blueberries aren't so bad
• all other berries are still better
• pink isn't so bad either
• i believe in choices, not destiny
• trying to speak up for myself in the moment and act in a way opposite to fear
• photos of friends and family all over the bedroom walls
• relatively organized
• pinterest & youtube only
• no instagram for over a year
• hate social media 
• easily triggered relating to trauma
• battling BV 
• general dislike for music with words
• happy place = target or a lake surrounded by woods
• still insecure
• piles of unread books because they're not that interesting
• post it notes
• bullet journaling
• hand lettering
• hair experimentation (there was a pixie cut that lasted a few months)
• gold wire
• boho minimalist decor
• keyla's baby daughter is named after my mom
• website owner
• still believe in Jesus
• just got a lotta questions