HE SAID IT.

Oh my gawd, oh my God, he said it.

I've waited nearly a week to write on here about it, because I needed to think. I needed to process it. To realize it's not a dream, even though I had a dream about it maybe two weeks before it happened.

He said he loves me.

I NEVER THOUGHT THE DAY WOULD COME! I REALLY DIDN'T!

You know me and all my stresses. All my insecurities.

But oh my god, he said it.

We were doing "stuff" (insert winky face and NSFW disclaimer here) and he said again that he wanted to come off birth control, for at least a month. Then he said "or we could just stop using it altogether."

Well, you know my answer: Not coming off it unless I'm married.

I'm sticking to that.

That led to a conversation about why, and why not, and has he really thought this through, and suppose I did and then got pregnant and we both live at home with our parents, then what?

He said we'd have to not live with them, and it would be good motivation. (Uh, hormones much? Guess I'll have to be the rational one, here)

BUT. That means he's down for us living together and having a kid.

I still wasn't convinced, though. I had planned that the next time he brought up the "no more birth control" topic, I would simply speak my truth and let it be, which was that I don't want to be nobody's baby mama. He said I wouldn't be, although he pointed out that technically I'd always be that whether I were married or not. I said he knew what I meant, to which he agreed, and still insisted that I wouldn't be.

So I asked why not? Why wouldn't I be?

According to him, because that's only the title you get when you break up.

Hm.

So...you don't see yourself ever breaking up with me? I can get with that. Still not coming off the birth control unless I'm married.

He also thinks the idea of not wanting to come off it unless I'm married is "cheesy," but also "acceptable" because I've come to the conclusion that it's a "me thing," something that matters to me, not just a parent instilled thing.

Fast forward a little bit and I realize that since we're actually having a legitimate conversation about this stuff and expressing how we feel about it, I might as well take it a step further than just "speaking my truth" and letting it be. I was going to tell him that I felt it would be utterly stupid of me to agree to have a child with someone who hadn't admitted to loving me (and as such I felt I couldn't be sure of it, even though his actions were great and said as much as that he did) nor had mentioned marriage. I mean, would he recommend that to any of his friends? Certainly not.

Here's how that went: 

Me: "Another thing that's been kind of holding me back is..." [I had a stage fright moment here - I realized I had no idea how to put those thoughts into words that didn't sound accusatory  - we were having a good moment, potentially productive and I didn't want to ruin it, nor did I want to sound like I was demanding a marriage proposal right then and there, so while I thought, I decided to kiss him to fill the time/space]

*kiss kiss kiss*

Him: [Interrupts kiss] "Yes, I do love you."

Me: 0.o

*kiss kiss kiss*

Me: [like two minutes later, interrupts kiss] "I never thought I would hear you say that."

Him: "Was that what was bothering you?"

Me: "Well...yeah."

We went on to finish up our business and have the most amazing cuddle session ever.

Later that day...

[via text]

Me: So it took you one year, three months, and eight days XD

Him: I wanted to be certain lol


ALRIGHT.
Now I need to vent/squeal/get my thoughts together.

So. Is this real? The funny thing about it is, when I write it out, or tell the story, it feels like it's a less legitimate admission or big deal than I know it is. Maybe because we were having sex when he said it, or maybe because it could have all been a ploy to get me to agree to come off the birth control, like I'd be so giddy that a declaration of love would immediately get me to toss out my package of pills and commit to a life of babymaking and potential (read: probable) financial stress.

But the thing is, (and I feel like maybe I'm just another naive girl saying this) I know him. He is not the type of person to let someone push him into saying or doing something he doesn't feel comfortable with. He would rather be honest and tell the truth even though it hurts than pretend something that's not real (trust me, I've been on the blunt end of the truth stick enough times to know this) AND, we've been together for three years and 4 months now. The fact that he hasn't said it before now...

He didn't say it back when I said it. When I asked him a little over a year later what he thought his threshold was for saying something like that to someone was, he said he didn't know, and that he didn't know what it meant to him anymore. That he used to think it was something one said after having been together for a certain amount of time, but he doesn't think that anymore.

He had, by this point, been asking me to stop birth control for a good four months or more. He could have said it then. Or at any of the other times. If that was his sole aim.

So this is why I think it's genuine and real.

I've also never seen him manipulate anyone for his own gain. Rather, he's pragmatic, fiercely independent and generous to a fault. Yes, to a fault.

Based on everything I know about him and his personality, he would not have said that if he didn't truly believe it.

And when I mentioned how it took ONE YEAR, THREE MONTHS AND EIGHT DAYS for him to say it back (lol), he said that he wanted to be certain.

Nia and I had had a conversation (I think before I even said it to him) about it, and she had said she could see him wanting to be realllllly sure before he would ever say something like that. She even said she wouldn't be surprised if he proposed without having ever said it only to have me go "but you haven't even said you love me!"

So......

God I've needed to write about this. But I couldn't, not at first.

I keep looking back at the screenshot I took of him saying he wanted to be certain to remind myself that yes, this is real. This part is real. You've actually gotten to the point in your life where someone has said that yes, they do love you. LOVE you. Not just "like" you. Not just "care" about you. They've been with you, seen you at your absolute lowest and worst, stayed, taken care of you, seen you bored, boring, depressed, anxious, happy, silly, confused, afraid...and they've decided that even with all this, they love you. 

I didn't ever think that would happen.

Yes, a good part of it is because I didn't feel worthy enough, or good enough. I know that's a me problem. Even now, I worry that somehow it's wrong for me to be loved. For me to love someone. Like that. For it to have grown into this instead of being split-second-lightning-bolt-from-the-sky ordained from Heaven.

But I like it this way.

There's been a lot of blood, sweat and tears that's gone into this. Stress and fear of abandonment on my part. Depression and jadedness on his part. Well, both of our parts.

But I think what I love the most about this is that...I've finally found someone I'm willing to put out the effort for, and who puts out the effort for me too.

And he loves me.