This is why I hate the summer

Heat waves. It’s unbearably hot and humid.

when I get pms I need cuddles.

When it’s hot, it’s unreasonable for me to get cuddles if there is no AC.

There is no AC, neither here nor there.

Without cuddles, I spiral downwards into Murphy Thoughts. Thoughts that tell me that I’m unwanted, that I’m being used, that I’m worthless or not good enough, that I’m settling and will never get what I want, that I deserve all the bad things and bad feelings that I have.

Thoughts that tell me that I’m bad or doing something wrong or following the devil because I cut my hair cropped really short...even though the ONLY reason I did it was to even out what was an awkward pixie cut that was growing out and hadn’t been cut properly when I first decided to grow my hair out again all one length.

Thoughts that tell me not to ask for cuddles, not to ask to hang out because it hasn’t even been a week yet and MY GOD this feels like the longest week ever.

The fact that he hasn’t mentioned hanging out or me coming over is eating at me, but the dumb part about it is, I realize that I’m being dumb.

When I PMS I go tit for tat. I think that because I know how needy I feel on the inside, I need to go to extreme lengths to hide that needy feeling, not act out on it...and so I force myself to stifle my need for a little extra affection.

But then that’s just a negative feedback loop.

Because I get depressed and don’t want to do anything. Then I think I’ll be bad company and I’ll make him miserable along with me, and then I think if I can’t even do this while we’re just boyfriend and girlfriend, what’s gonna happen if we ever live together or something like that?

Then I think to myself, why bother being in a relationship at all? This is too much work.

Yet it’s all in my head, and I realize that.

But what should I do? Should I mention that I need cuddles? Should I see if he asks for me to come over? Or should I just wait it out? Act like I’m fine?

I. Don’t. Know.

The summer is unbearable. It prevents me from getting cuddles and for the last few years my summers have sucked. Like, really badly. So...

That’s why I hate summers.