It's okay. You've never really gone through this before. You haven't actually been in a long term relationship, and certainly not with someone who is actually honest about their feelings and doesn't judge you for yours.
Basically, every step you take from here on out is going to be new to you, and so it's going to be scary. But just because it's scary doesn't mean it's dangerous. And it doesn't necessarily mean you're going to fall and get hurt.
Climbing a mountain is scary. Those people are thousands and thousands of feet above sea level, hanging from a precipice. But look how many of those people successfully climb the mountain. Yeah, they probably bruised their fingers and scraped their knees along the way, and they probably had a few moments where they felt like they were about to lose their foothold or like they were short of breath from the altitude or like they didn't have the energy to go on. They probably also questioned if it was a good idea for them to be climbing the mountain in the first place.
But if them and their climbing partner both agree that they want to keep climbing, even if it's hard and windy and snowy and the visibility is low and sometimes it's cold and there have been sunnier days when they weren't climbing the mountain, wouldn't you say that's a good thing? And that it's worth it for both partners to continue climbing the mountain to get a little farther along?
Especially if one partner says they're serious about the climb, not just scrambling up to see where they can reach. And that they've taken the climb seriously for a long time now. The partner who was worried that they were just dragging that other partner along for the climb...I would say that that partner can relax now.
You guys both want to continue climbing. And really, I know you're scared and worried that a big gust of wind might come along or that a mountain goat will knock one of you off, but if you stay in one spot, that's not going to do any good. You've got to keep moving.
Neither one of you knows what the top of the mountain looks like. Neither one of you knows how long it will take to get there. You can't base it on how long it took other people to climb the mountain, because those people had different strengths and weaknesses, and the weather conditions were different for them as well.
What matters, in the end, is that as long as your partner is not sabotaging you and trying to knock you off, that you continue to climb.
Because that in itself is an experience. That is life.
And you are living.
Wednesday, September 19, 2018
Friday, September 14, 2018
Okay. I gotta sort this out.
I didn't use to be jealous. Why am I jealous now? What's different?
When I was in high school/college, I didn't care. Could it be that I didn't care about the people I was dating? Um...maybe. No...I did care. To a certain extent. Or maybe, maybe when I did care, I was jealous.
There was Blue. I cared in that case, and as soon as I realized he didn't, that he was also talking to my friend, I was upset. That was the first time I cried over a boy.
Then there was Lee. I guess I trusted him. So I never saw it coming. It made it worse that it was with someone he met because of a job that I set him up with.
After that, I was hella cautious. When Cody showed up, I was careful, guarded. I tried to do everything the right way. He said all the right things, made all the promises. So when he had a female friend, I didn't see her as a threat.
I think I hate him.
Now, with Cal. I've been burned enough times that I'm constantly on my guard. Because it seems like any time you think you don't have to worry about a girl, anytime you think you can trust your guy, that's when you find out that you can't. That's when you find out that you weren't good enough for them. That the other girl was prettier, more interesting, more convenient, lived closer, funnier, had prettier eyes, had a better connection or a longer history...
And you begin to anticipate these things the moment you see something remotely similar to what happened in the past.
Here's the thing. His "cousin?" I don't like her. I don't like her because she's not the type of person I would choose to be friends with. She invites herself into things she wasn't invited to (hello, the beach? It was supposed to be a date. The second party after the first one that the whole family went to? There was an invite for the mother and a plus one. How can she say she'll be down to go? No one asked her, at least not yet anyway.)
They've got a history that goes all the way back to being like 11 years old, growing up together, and when I'm around them I can't help but feel like a third wheel. As if they're the couple, the best friends, and I'm just an extra tagging along. I don't belong. I'm not really the best friend...she is. It feels so obvious.
Sometimes I just want to end it. Our relationship, I mean. Leave before I'm left. That saying never really made sense to me before, but I get it now. It would be so much easier that way. What's the point of taking a risk? It's like, I've been burned so many times before. If I see someone holding a cattle prod, wouldn't it make sense to walk the other way?
I don't need to be in a relationship, anyway. I've survived so long not being in one - why the hell did I think I needed to get into one in the first place? I should just be single, stay single. I don't need kids. I don't need to bring children into this horrible world that's only getting worse.
The thing is, they go for walks together with Gingey. They go get Yummy Taco together and split the bill and the food. They sit together talking...they freaking live together. They go to the pet store together with the dog and her son. They look like a family.
And that's what scares me and hurts me to see.
Because I can't compare or measure up to that. I'm not that outgoing. I'm not that talkative. I basically feel like I'm not that interesting.
Now, I am due to get my period next week, and I've had a hella bad two days before this. So it's possible that 50% of this is PMS talking. I hope so.
So I'm going to do an exercise and flip it around; see if I can look at it from another perspective.
Maybe hers.
She doesn't see me often, and aside from that one time we hung out and talked, she sees someone who is quiet and reserved. Maybe I come across as standoffish? Or, dare I say, mysterious?
When I was in high school/college, I didn't care. Could it be that I didn't care about the people I was dating? Um...maybe. No...I did care. To a certain extent. Or maybe, maybe when I did care, I was jealous.
There was Blue. I cared in that case, and as soon as I realized he didn't, that he was also talking to my friend, I was upset. That was the first time I cried over a boy.
Then there was Lee. I guess I trusted him. So I never saw it coming. It made it worse that it was with someone he met because of a job that I set him up with.
After that, I was hella cautious. When Cody showed up, I was careful, guarded. I tried to do everything the right way. He said all the right things, made all the promises. So when he had a female friend, I didn't see her as a threat.
I think I hate him.
Now, with Cal. I've been burned enough times that I'm constantly on my guard. Because it seems like any time you think you don't have to worry about a girl, anytime you think you can trust your guy, that's when you find out that you can't. That's when you find out that you weren't good enough for them. That the other girl was prettier, more interesting, more convenient, lived closer, funnier, had prettier eyes, had a better connection or a longer history...
And you begin to anticipate these things the moment you see something remotely similar to what happened in the past.
Here's the thing. His "cousin?" I don't like her. I don't like her because she's not the type of person I would choose to be friends with. She invites herself into things she wasn't invited to (hello, the beach? It was supposed to be a date. The second party after the first one that the whole family went to? There was an invite for the mother and a plus one. How can she say she'll be down to go? No one asked her, at least not yet anyway.)
They've got a history that goes all the way back to being like 11 years old, growing up together, and when I'm around them I can't help but feel like a third wheel. As if they're the couple, the best friends, and I'm just an extra tagging along. I don't belong. I'm not really the best friend...she is. It feels so obvious.
Sometimes I just want to end it. Our relationship, I mean. Leave before I'm left. That saying never really made sense to me before, but I get it now. It would be so much easier that way. What's the point of taking a risk? It's like, I've been burned so many times before. If I see someone holding a cattle prod, wouldn't it make sense to walk the other way?
I don't need to be in a relationship, anyway. I've survived so long not being in one - why the hell did I think I needed to get into one in the first place? I should just be single, stay single. I don't need kids. I don't need to bring children into this horrible world that's only getting worse.
The thing is, they go for walks together with Gingey. They go get Yummy Taco together and split the bill and the food. They sit together talking...they freaking live together. They go to the pet store together with the dog and her son. They look like a family.
And that's what scares me and hurts me to see.
Because I can't compare or measure up to that. I'm not that outgoing. I'm not that talkative. I basically feel like I'm not that interesting.
Now, I am due to get my period next week, and I've had a hella bad two days before this. So it's possible that 50% of this is PMS talking. I hope so.
So I'm going to do an exercise and flip it around; see if I can look at it from another perspective.
Maybe hers.
She doesn't see me often, and aside from that one time we hung out and talked, she sees someone who is quiet and reserved. Maybe I come across as standoffish? Or, dare I say, mysterious?
Thursday, August 16, 2018
I just got home and I am so tired. Sooooo tired.
I just want to sleep.
But I wanted to put this down before I forgot it, because I'm so tired I can't hold a straight thought in my head for more than fifteen seconds at a time.
I want to charge myself rent. I mean, what's the point of living rent-free if I'm not saving? And it occurred to me that I can sustain myself with a car, food, and basic necessities, but I can't sustain rent just yet. So I'm going to charge myself rent, but put it in the bank.
I haven't decided yet whether to charge myself as if I'm renting a room or this entire apartment that we live in, because obviously one would be much cheaper than the other and yet the other would cause me to save much more money each month.
I'm leaning towards the "go for the gold" option, the full rent we pay. I mean, it's already several hundred dollars cheaper than you can find anywhere in New York. The other part of me is saying work your way up to that...start out with something more manageable.
But why bother?
The full rent is still cheaper than a studio. Might as well do the whole thing.
Gonna need moar students.
I just want to sleep.
But I wanted to put this down before I forgot it, because I'm so tired I can't hold a straight thought in my head for more than fifteen seconds at a time.
I want to charge myself rent. I mean, what's the point of living rent-free if I'm not saving? And it occurred to me that I can sustain myself with a car, food, and basic necessities, but I can't sustain rent just yet. So I'm going to charge myself rent, but put it in the bank.
I haven't decided yet whether to charge myself as if I'm renting a room or this entire apartment that we live in, because obviously one would be much cheaper than the other and yet the other would cause me to save much more money each month.
I'm leaning towards the "go for the gold" option, the full rent we pay. I mean, it's already several hundred dollars cheaper than you can find anywhere in New York. The other part of me is saying work your way up to that...start out with something more manageable.
But why bother?
The full rent is still cheaper than a studio. Might as well do the whole thing.
Gonna need moar students.
Wednesday, August 15, 2018
paralyzed
I'm behind on my car payment.
Same as last month.
Last month it was my fault...I didn't work when I should have. But this month...sigh. I had to pay the IRS what I owe them from filing my taxes this year, which although it was a "small" amount (not thousands of dollars), for someone who is self-employed and in general struggles to make ends meet, it set me back.
I had about 3/4ths of what I would normally have needed to make my car payment, but it all had to go to the IRS. And the time spent working to earn that was the days I normally would have worked to earn enough for my car payment. Do you see the spiral?
I feel like I'm always coming on here and complaining about stupid stuff. Stupid problems that could just be solved if I would buckle down and work harder. Or if I would just make better decisions.
You know what? I'm going to try challenging these thoughts.
They're problems because I struggle with them, plain and simple. Everyone has things they struggle with. These are the ones I struggle with. I can overcome them someday. I'm working on it now, by going to therapy.
I'll be okay.
I am okay.
My reason for coming on here was to say that when I am behind on things I get stressed out and feel paralyzed. It all feels like too much in my brain and I blame myself for not working when I'm utterly exhausted and feel horribly guilty; can't seem to convince myself that it's okay to just try to switch my schedule up and maybe work nights instead because I feel like I'm doing something wrong...ugh.
Okay. What if I worked the night shift instead? That wouldn't be so bad, would it? Supposing I only did it on certain days. I'm already out really late anyway, as a usual thing. If I got out there for 5pm, and worked until 11. The same hours I would normally try to work in the morning, just at night. I'd still be catching people around their work shifts...plenty of drivers do the night shift.
I'm going to try that. Because I'm mentally and physically exhausted right now, and I need to eat, and it's already 8:30 in the morning so half the people who should be at work are already there.
I'll tell Kim I need to be home again by six o'clock. Maybe seven. AND THEN WORK.
Same as last month.
Last month it was my fault...I didn't work when I should have. But this month...sigh. I had to pay the IRS what I owe them from filing my taxes this year, which although it was a "small" amount (not thousands of dollars), for someone who is self-employed and in general struggles to make ends meet, it set me back.
I had about 3/4ths of what I would normally have needed to make my car payment, but it all had to go to the IRS. And the time spent working to earn that was the days I normally would have worked to earn enough for my car payment. Do you see the spiral?
I feel like I'm always coming on here and complaining about stupid stuff. Stupid problems that could just be solved if I would buckle down and work harder. Or if I would just make better decisions.
You know what? I'm going to try challenging these thoughts.
They're problems because I struggle with them, plain and simple. Everyone has things they struggle with. These are the ones I struggle with. I can overcome them someday. I'm working on it now, by going to therapy.
I'll be okay.
I am okay.
My reason for coming on here was to say that when I am behind on things I get stressed out and feel paralyzed. It all feels like too much in my brain and I blame myself for not working when I'm utterly exhausted and feel horribly guilty; can't seem to convince myself that it's okay to just try to switch my schedule up and maybe work nights instead because I feel like I'm doing something wrong...ugh.
Okay. What if I worked the night shift instead? That wouldn't be so bad, would it? Supposing I only did it on certain days. I'm already out really late anyway, as a usual thing. If I got out there for 5pm, and worked until 11. The same hours I would normally try to work in the morning, just at night. I'd still be catching people around their work shifts...plenty of drivers do the night shift.
I'm going to try that. Because I'm mentally and physically exhausted right now, and I need to eat, and it's already 8:30 in the morning so half the people who should be at work are already there.
I'll tell Kim I need to be home again by six o'clock. Maybe seven. AND THEN WORK.
Saturday, July 7, 2018
so I talked to my therapist about it
And she said I have self-esteem issues. I need to be confident. And that I need to find a fact, and challenge those thoughts when they come into my head. And then just stop thinking.
Easier said than done, she admitted that.
My question for her on Monday will be "what do I do when I don't have a definite thought to challenge? Just a feeling?"
I know I don't HAVE to feel a certain way, but that doesn't change the fact that the feeling is there, in the center of my chest, heavy and hot and angry and jealous.
I wish there were a magic potion to rid oneself of jealousy and insecurity.
ANYWAY.
Time for more introspection.
Why do I always feel like I'm not good enough?
I have a theory, pieced together from my memories and what people have told me over the years.
Fact: I was almost always in trouble for one thing or another. I got spankings several times a week, and while I'm sure there were probably long stretches of time where everything was jolly and good, we all know the positive experiences don't stick around as much as the negative ones do.
If you ask my childhood friends, they will tell you: "She was always on punishment." I've actually had this conversation with the girl I grew up with. She mentioned it on her own, how I was always grounded for one thing or another, and I myself know how I would spend many days crying all day long because somehow I wasn't doing what was right.
The problem is, I don't know what I was doing wrong. I know my mother would often have me recite that "obedience is immediate," so I suppose me taking too long to do whatever she told me to do was wrong. I don't see why I had to get so many spankings, though. I know I wasn't a rude child. I didn't throw tantrums. I did ask a lot of questions; why do I have to do this, why do I have to do that? She'd tell me I was being contrary.
The odd thing is, when I remember really doing wrong things, like not coming home after school let out until like seven or eight pm, I don't think I was spanked for that. I was grounded instead. Which only led to me staying out late the next day too since I'd be stuck in the house once I did get there.
But I didn't use to like coming home. My parents were hardly ever happy with each other, and there was usually an uncomfortable vibe in the house with my father not talking to my mother for some reason, or almost every time they did have a conversation, within thirty seconds or less it would disintegrate and become an argument.
I remember one time they were yelling at each other so badly (and I had been somehow caught in the middle of it) that I ran out of the house and went to sit on the car in the driveway just to be away from it. I remember being surprised that they didn't follow me out or demand that I come back in. I guess they were too busy with their own problems.
A few years ago my aunt from Norway told me that part of the reason my mother's family kept to themselves was that they didn't agree with the way my mom was raising me. They thought she was too harsh on a little girl. Funny thing about that is, they saw me for a total of five months out of my life, when I was three and when I was six. How bad could it have been for them to make that judgment in such a short time period?
So I guess my point is this: if I was always on punishment, that must've led to me thinking I was always doing something wrong. If I was always doing something wrong, then I must have been intrinsically flawed. Add to that the constant pervading reminders that every time I disobeyed I was displeasing God...well crap. I think I had my spirit broken.
Whenever I wanted to stand up for myself, I was told not to. To turn the other cheek. I was actively deflected (can I say deflected here?) from doing that. Prevented would probably be a better word. If I disagreed with my parents, I was told that I was not allowed to tell them "no." I was always in trouble. The simplest of things that I wanted to do, I was told I couldn't; it was wrong. The music I wanted to listen to. The books I wanted to read. I began to hide things from my parents, because I didn't want to hear a long and detailed explanation of how my latest interest was somehow displeasing to God. I wasn't allowed to wear tight jeans or get my ears pierced. Or go out on the block and play jump rope with the girls next door.
Dang.
How could I possibly think I'm good enough?
And here is my question now: Why is it that people who meet me say I was raised well? Is it because I don't challenge them? Is it because I'm accommodating and let them get away with stuff?
Do I?
I don't know.
I'm polite and friendly. I genuinely give people a chance to talk and listen to their side of the story. I'm not rude. Maybe that's what they mean. I really don't know.
I'm tired of this journey. This being afraid and worried and always assuming that I've done something wrong the moment anyone behaves even slightly off from the norm. This trying to figure myself out and what I believe now vs. what I was taught back then. This uncertainty of whether or not I'm making the right decisions. This desperate fear of making the wrong ones. Because there will always be consequences. Or if there won't, at least not now, then the ultimate consequence will come after I'm dead and have gone to hell.
This dealing with missing my mom and being sad that she's gone vs. being happy that I'm free to make my own decisions and live my own life in a way that I wasn't before.
The guilt that comes with that.
It's exhausting.
But as long as I'm alive I have to keep going. One day I'll come out on the other side.
Easier said than done, she admitted that.
My question for her on Monday will be "what do I do when I don't have a definite thought to challenge? Just a feeling?"
I know I don't HAVE to feel a certain way, but that doesn't change the fact that the feeling is there, in the center of my chest, heavy and hot and angry and jealous.
I wish there were a magic potion to rid oneself of jealousy and insecurity.
ANYWAY.
Time for more introspection.
Why do I always feel like I'm not good enough?
I have a theory, pieced together from my memories and what people have told me over the years.
Fact: I was almost always in trouble for one thing or another. I got spankings several times a week, and while I'm sure there were probably long stretches of time where everything was jolly and good, we all know the positive experiences don't stick around as much as the negative ones do.
If you ask my childhood friends, they will tell you: "She was always on punishment." I've actually had this conversation with the girl I grew up with. She mentioned it on her own, how I was always grounded for one thing or another, and I myself know how I would spend many days crying all day long because somehow I wasn't doing what was right.
The problem is, I don't know what I was doing wrong. I know my mother would often have me recite that "obedience is immediate," so I suppose me taking too long to do whatever she told me to do was wrong. I don't see why I had to get so many spankings, though. I know I wasn't a rude child. I didn't throw tantrums. I did ask a lot of questions; why do I have to do this, why do I have to do that? She'd tell me I was being contrary.
The odd thing is, when I remember really doing wrong things, like not coming home after school let out until like seven or eight pm, I don't think I was spanked for that. I was grounded instead. Which only led to me staying out late the next day too since I'd be stuck in the house once I did get there.
But I didn't use to like coming home. My parents were hardly ever happy with each other, and there was usually an uncomfortable vibe in the house with my father not talking to my mother for some reason, or almost every time they did have a conversation, within thirty seconds or less it would disintegrate and become an argument.
I remember one time they were yelling at each other so badly (and I had been somehow caught in the middle of it) that I ran out of the house and went to sit on the car in the driveway just to be away from it. I remember being surprised that they didn't follow me out or demand that I come back in. I guess they were too busy with their own problems.
A few years ago my aunt from Norway told me that part of the reason my mother's family kept to themselves was that they didn't agree with the way my mom was raising me. They thought she was too harsh on a little girl. Funny thing about that is, they saw me for a total of five months out of my life, when I was three and when I was six. How bad could it have been for them to make that judgment in such a short time period?
So I guess my point is this: if I was always on punishment, that must've led to me thinking I was always doing something wrong. If I was always doing something wrong, then I must have been intrinsically flawed. Add to that the constant pervading reminders that every time I disobeyed I was displeasing God...well crap. I think I had my spirit broken.
Whenever I wanted to stand up for myself, I was told not to. To turn the other cheek. I was actively deflected (can I say deflected here?) from doing that. Prevented would probably be a better word. If I disagreed with my parents, I was told that I was not allowed to tell them "no." I was always in trouble. The simplest of things that I wanted to do, I was told I couldn't; it was wrong. The music I wanted to listen to. The books I wanted to read. I began to hide things from my parents, because I didn't want to hear a long and detailed explanation of how my latest interest was somehow displeasing to God. I wasn't allowed to wear tight jeans or get my ears pierced. Or go out on the block and play jump rope with the girls next door.
Dang.
How could I possibly think I'm good enough?
And here is my question now: Why is it that people who meet me say I was raised well? Is it because I don't challenge them? Is it because I'm accommodating and let them get away with stuff?
Do I?
I don't know.
I'm polite and friendly. I genuinely give people a chance to talk and listen to their side of the story. I'm not rude. Maybe that's what they mean. I really don't know.
I'm tired of this journey. This being afraid and worried and always assuming that I've done something wrong the moment anyone behaves even slightly off from the norm. This trying to figure myself out and what I believe now vs. what I was taught back then. This uncertainty of whether or not I'm making the right decisions. This desperate fear of making the wrong ones. Because there will always be consequences. Or if there won't, at least not now, then the ultimate consequence will come after I'm dead and have gone to hell.
This dealing with missing my mom and being sad that she's gone vs. being happy that I'm free to make my own decisions and live my own life in a way that I wasn't before.
The guilt that comes with that.
It's exhausting.
But as long as I'm alive I have to keep going. One day I'll come out on the other side.
Saturday, June 30, 2018
so as usual, my emotional state fluctuates
And I've been really insecure during this month's pms.
Anyhow, I'm just going to get it all out there.
I've been doing some relationship research online, like I normally do, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm wayyyy too available in my relationship.
1. I take my phone with me practically everywhere, just in case he might text me.
2. I usually reply to those texts within a very few minutes, unless I'm genuinely busy and don't notice them or the rare occasions that I forget to reply (read, VERY RARE)
3. Any time he asks to hang out, I drop everything. Cancel plans. Even cancel tutoring, just to hang out with him.
4. No matter what time it is. I've even left my house in the evening to go over when I really felt like staying at home and didn't feel well. WTH is wrong with me?
5. I panic when several hours go by and he doesn't text, because what could he be possibly doing that he doesn't care to want to talk to me in the middle of it? (Note the heavy sarcasm, but yes those are still the feelings that I have)
6. He didn't have to work to get me the first time around. Second time, yes. But then I ended up telling him I love him first. He still hasn't said it back, which I'm not going to make a big deal of because if I do I'll drive myself nuts. And I'm nuts enough already. I don't need to become a full-fledged squirrel.
Now, of course, I'm terrified and panicky that he will lose interest in me and I will have sabotaged the very thing I want to work by trying too hard to make it work. That the girl he is friends with who doesn't reply right away will somehow become more interesting to him because she is secure and not always available. There. I said it. I'm still afraid of that.
Now. I know that I should view myself as worthy. As the prize. As a catch. But why do I feel so insecure? Why don't I value my own feelings and needs? Why?????
What deep, dark issue from my past is making me so co-dependent?
Ugh.
Well, okay. How to fix this? I obviously don't give him space to initiate spending time with me because I'm always asking to spend time with him...although I do try to let at least a week or maybe like 5 days go by before asking again. But....I should back off. And in my past experience, it's taken a full week of not seeing me before he will ask to hang out.
New rules:
1. Leave my phone where I am not, and if I happen to be holding the phone when he texts, wait at least two minutes before replying.
2. Have plans for my life. Work. Earn money to pay off my debts. Do fun stuff WITH OTHER PEOPLE BESIDES HIM.
3. Don't say yes every single time he wants to hang out.
4. Don't ask to hang out two times in a row.
5. Stop imagining the future. It's pointless and unhealthy.
6. Let it be what it is. It's always going to be whatever it is at the moment anyway. And it's grown so far. Good things take time.
This might be pms talking, but I'm so scared that I've ruined everything somehow. That even though last friday when we hung out for the entire day (it ended up being 14 hours total) and everything was so perfect and we chilled and had fun and cuddled and watched anime and went to get food and had sex and actually both "came" within about thirty seconds of each other (I thought that only happened in fanfics) and talked and talked and played video games...that in spite of all that... maybe I'm ruining things and it's really actually falling apart and I just can't see it.
That maybe he's growing tired of me. And I'm afraid to type those words because I'm afraid to put it out into the universe but I'm tired of keeping those fears inside.
I started therapy two weeks ago.
I have to get better.
I need to remember that successful people are simply problem solvers.
So I have identified a problem. That's the first step. Now I need to take the steps to solve it. Which are following the rules above.
What's crazy, too, is the other night I had a dream that he was pursuing another girl and when I confronted him about it, he said that I was too forward, and not interesting enough. That I was too obvious when I wanted to initiate sex...omg. What if this is a warning?
It's three o'clock in the morning. I dunno if I'm wide awake because of the coffee I had at my student's sweet 16 (where she dedicated one of her sixteen candles to me and said I am her role model, yay) or if it's because I'm so worked up about this.
But I don't think I'll be falling asleep any time soon.
It's kind of frustrating to be forced to tread the slow path. I've noticed this problem and I want it to just be fixed already. I want to have never made this mistake in the first place.
I think the reason I feel so insecure is because I have devalued myself.
Sex before marriage, not starting this relationship the traditional way (of him having to pursue and woo me, dates and such) and having lost myself and who I used to be along the way.
So I don't feel wanted, because I was too desperate in the beginning. I was afraid of being alone. He was my escape from the awful reality of my mom's death. Besides that, I value friendship before relationships, but we sort of slid into this one and I have also been deathly afraid of having to find someone new and start from scratch. I say "slid into," but he did actually ask me to be his girlfriend. It wasn't a slide as much as it was circumstantial.
The new relationship was a little bit more of a decision, him declaring that he wanted to be with me and then having to wait for me to decide whether I wanted to be with Cody or him (or neither).
I think I've gone from one extreme to the other. From not putting out any effort, to desperately putting out all the effort.
Neither is good. Balance is essential.
I need to have self-respect. Another rule, #7: Don't go to his house after 7:00pm. I should print these rules out and keep them in my wallet. *rolls eyes*
Or write them in Norwegian and put them up where I can see them constantly.
I have no boundaries in this relationship, currently. Well, except for having made it clear that I won't be physical unless we are actually in a relationship and that I'd never be open to a threesome...lol. But like, that should go without saying.
My boundaries are now thus:
(that should probably say "this" or "these," but "thus" sounds much more official)
1. I will not enter his house after 7:00pm. That's a big one.
2. I will not reply instantly when he texts.
3. If I don't feel like hanging out, I'll say so.
4. I will not rearrange my day and/or pre-made plans for him. I will say I am busy.
5. When I am at his house, I will leave before midnight. We will eventually work on getting this down to 9:00pm. But hey. Gotta start small lol.
Seriously, I feel like it's amazing that he hasn't left me so far. (And that, right there, is my problem) That with all my insecurities and acting weird and the times I've let him see how afraid or clingy I truly am, that he hasn't called it quits. But, he does seem to be in this for the long term. Or at least the long haul. And he doesn't seem to be in a rush to make it anything it's not. So that's a good thing.
And when I'm not overthinking and pmsing, it's great. So...that means it has the potential to be great most of the time. I was gonna say "all the time," but realized that would logically be unrealistic. So yeah.
I feel much better now. Maybe I can actually go to sleep.
Good night.
Anyhow, I'm just going to get it all out there.
I've been doing some relationship research online, like I normally do, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm wayyyy too available in my relationship.
1. I take my phone with me practically everywhere, just in case he might text me.
2. I usually reply to those texts within a very few minutes, unless I'm genuinely busy and don't notice them or the rare occasions that I forget to reply (read, VERY RARE)
3. Any time he asks to hang out, I drop everything. Cancel plans. Even cancel tutoring, just to hang out with him.
4. No matter what time it is. I've even left my house in the evening to go over when I really felt like staying at home and didn't feel well. WTH is wrong with me?
5. I panic when several hours go by and he doesn't text, because what could he be possibly doing that he doesn't care to want to talk to me in the middle of it? (Note the heavy sarcasm, but yes those are still the feelings that I have)
6. He didn't have to work to get me the first time around. Second time, yes. But then I ended up telling him I love him first. He still hasn't said it back, which I'm not going to make a big deal of because if I do I'll drive myself nuts. And I'm nuts enough already. I don't need to become a full-fledged squirrel.
Now, of course, I'm terrified and panicky that he will lose interest in me and I will have sabotaged the very thing I want to work by trying too hard to make it work. That the girl he is friends with who doesn't reply right away will somehow become more interesting to him because she is secure and not always available. There. I said it. I'm still afraid of that.
Now. I know that I should view myself as worthy. As the prize. As a catch. But why do I feel so insecure? Why don't I value my own feelings and needs? Why?????
What deep, dark issue from my past is making me so co-dependent?
Ugh.
Well, okay. How to fix this? I obviously don't give him space to initiate spending time with me because I'm always asking to spend time with him...although I do try to let at least a week or maybe like 5 days go by before asking again. But....I should back off. And in my past experience, it's taken a full week of not seeing me before he will ask to hang out.
New rules:
1. Leave my phone where I am not, and if I happen to be holding the phone when he texts, wait at least two minutes before replying.
2. Have plans for my life. Work. Earn money to pay off my debts. Do fun stuff WITH OTHER PEOPLE BESIDES HIM.
3. Don't say yes every single time he wants to hang out.
4. Don't ask to hang out two times in a row.
5. Stop imagining the future. It's pointless and unhealthy.
6. Let it be what it is. It's always going to be whatever it is at the moment anyway. And it's grown so far. Good things take time.
This might be pms talking, but I'm so scared that I've ruined everything somehow. That even though last friday when we hung out for the entire day (it ended up being 14 hours total) and everything was so perfect and we chilled and had fun and cuddled and watched anime and went to get food and had sex and actually both "came" within about thirty seconds of each other (I thought that only happened in fanfics) and talked and talked and played video games...that in spite of all that... maybe I'm ruining things and it's really actually falling apart and I just can't see it.
That maybe he's growing tired of me. And I'm afraid to type those words because I'm afraid to put it out into the universe but I'm tired of keeping those fears inside.
I started therapy two weeks ago.
I have to get better.
I need to remember that successful people are simply problem solvers.
So I have identified a problem. That's the first step. Now I need to take the steps to solve it. Which are following the rules above.
What's crazy, too, is the other night I had a dream that he was pursuing another girl and when I confronted him about it, he said that I was too forward, and not interesting enough. That I was too obvious when I wanted to initiate sex...omg. What if this is a warning?
It's three o'clock in the morning. I dunno if I'm wide awake because of the coffee I had at my student's sweet 16 (where she dedicated one of her sixteen candles to me and said I am her role model, yay) or if it's because I'm so worked up about this.
But I don't think I'll be falling asleep any time soon.
It's kind of frustrating to be forced to tread the slow path. I've noticed this problem and I want it to just be fixed already. I want to have never made this mistake in the first place.
I think the reason I feel so insecure is because I have devalued myself.
Sex before marriage, not starting this relationship the traditional way (of him having to pursue and woo me, dates and such) and having lost myself and who I used to be along the way.
So I don't feel wanted, because I was too desperate in the beginning. I was afraid of being alone. He was my escape from the awful reality of my mom's death. Besides that, I value friendship before relationships, but we sort of slid into this one and I have also been deathly afraid of having to find someone new and start from scratch. I say "slid into," but he did actually ask me to be his girlfriend. It wasn't a slide as much as it was circumstantial.
The new relationship was a little bit more of a decision, him declaring that he wanted to be with me and then having to wait for me to decide whether I wanted to be with Cody or him (or neither).
I think I've gone from one extreme to the other. From not putting out any effort, to desperately putting out all the effort.
Neither is good. Balance is essential.
I need to have self-respect. Another rule, #7: Don't go to his house after 7:00pm. I should print these rules out and keep them in my wallet. *rolls eyes*
Or write them in Norwegian and put them up where I can see them constantly.
I have no boundaries in this relationship, currently. Well, except for having made it clear that I won't be physical unless we are actually in a relationship and that I'd never be open to a threesome...lol. But like, that should go without saying.
My boundaries are now thus:
(that should probably say "this" or "these," but "thus" sounds much more official)
1. I will not enter his house after 7:00pm. That's a big one.
2. I will not reply instantly when he texts.
3. If I don't feel like hanging out, I'll say so.
4. I will not rearrange my day and/or pre-made plans for him. I will say I am busy.
5. When I am at his house, I will leave before midnight. We will eventually work on getting this down to 9:00pm. But hey. Gotta start small lol.
Seriously, I feel like it's amazing that he hasn't left me so far. (And that, right there, is my problem) That with all my insecurities and acting weird and the times I've let him see how afraid or clingy I truly am, that he hasn't called it quits. But, he does seem to be in this for the long term. Or at least the long haul. And he doesn't seem to be in a rush to make it anything it's not. So that's a good thing.
And when I'm not overthinking and pmsing, it's great. So...that means it has the potential to be great most of the time. I was gonna say "all the time," but realized that would logically be unrealistic. So yeah.
I feel much better now. Maybe I can actually go to sleep.
Good night.
Wednesday, June 13, 2018
let's do another happy one
I've been doing good lately. Not well, but good.
I've been happy.
It's a little scary to write, because I get scared that if I write down good things, then bad things will happen. But just because I imagine something doesn't make it true.
So I'm going to write about my happy moments.
The mom of one of my students texted me and told me her daughter was able to read an entire book all the way through, one she had barely been able to get through 3 pages of just two months ago. She thanked me. See? This is why I tutor.
My backyard is beautiful. Not in the traditional sense, but in that it's filled with weeds and wildflowers; morning glories that creep up the mesh of my bedroom window, jasmine that cascades over the fence in the back and fills the breeze with its sweet and familiar scent, birds that chatter and tweet throughout the afternoon. It reminds me of a forest.
Cal and I are doing really well together. He likes to team up to play ESO, and I don't panic and overthink as much as I used to. I've gotten so much better at talking myself down and accepting things for what they are right now; just enjoying the moment. The other night I went by (rather late) to catch up watching My Hero Academia. It was the best it's been in a long while. We laughed, had fun, watched the episodes, ate cheez-its, and as usually happens when we're together, things escalated physically.
There are times when it's just fun and lust and times when I can sense something more. I'd been afraid, before, and thought it was just me projecting my feelings, but he's told me that's not the case; he's been getting emotional when we're together like that. That night was one of those nights when I sensed that.
Afterward, he didn't move off of me. Instead, he held me tight and buried his face in my shoulder, and stayed that way for a long time. My heart felt like it was too full...and I remember thinking to myself: this is why you should date your best friend. Because it's the best thing in the world, to be close like this.
Later, we snuggled up and fell asleep, with our arms around each other. I didn't want to leave, but I also didn't want my dad to worry. But I really, really didn't want to leave. Eventually, I had to pee really badly, so I got up and used that as the catalyst to get myself to leave, but I want to remember this.
Even if it ends, as all things eventually do, because one day I will die and so will he (got real morbid there, huh, but that's how I think ever since my mom died) or if it ends before that...I want to be grateful for these happy times, and for feeling like this.
Because it's nice.
I've been happy.
It's a little scary to write, because I get scared that if I write down good things, then bad things will happen. But just because I imagine something doesn't make it true.
So I'm going to write about my happy moments.
The mom of one of my students texted me and told me her daughter was able to read an entire book all the way through, one she had barely been able to get through 3 pages of just two months ago. She thanked me. See? This is why I tutor.
My backyard is beautiful. Not in the traditional sense, but in that it's filled with weeds and wildflowers; morning glories that creep up the mesh of my bedroom window, jasmine that cascades over the fence in the back and fills the breeze with its sweet and familiar scent, birds that chatter and tweet throughout the afternoon. It reminds me of a forest.
Cal and I are doing really well together. He likes to team up to play ESO, and I don't panic and overthink as much as I used to. I've gotten so much better at talking myself down and accepting things for what they are right now; just enjoying the moment. The other night I went by (rather late) to catch up watching My Hero Academia. It was the best it's been in a long while. We laughed, had fun, watched the episodes, ate cheez-its, and as usually happens when we're together, things escalated physically.
There are times when it's just fun and lust and times when I can sense something more. I'd been afraid, before, and thought it was just me projecting my feelings, but he's told me that's not the case; he's been getting emotional when we're together like that. That night was one of those nights when I sensed that.
Afterward, he didn't move off of me. Instead, he held me tight and buried his face in my shoulder, and stayed that way for a long time. My heart felt like it was too full...and I remember thinking to myself: this is why you should date your best friend. Because it's the best thing in the world, to be close like this.
Later, we snuggled up and fell asleep, with our arms around each other. I didn't want to leave, but I also didn't want my dad to worry. But I really, really didn't want to leave. Eventually, I had to pee really badly, so I got up and used that as the catalyst to get myself to leave, but I want to remember this.
Even if it ends, as all things eventually do, because one day I will die and so will he (got real morbid there, huh, but that's how I think ever since my mom died) or if it ends before that...I want to be grateful for these happy times, and for feeling like this.
Because it's nice.
Thursday, May 17, 2018
a random happy one
Funny how you can go from having an absolutely amazing day one day to having a totally awful one the next.
Emotions aren't to be trusted, I guess.
I'd intended to blog about my great day, Tuesday, but didn't quite get around to it.
I was feeling fairly stable emotionally, I spent a little while playing ESO with Cal, I went to tutoring, and then, because the day had been unusually warm for mid-May, a thunderstorm rolled around - our first real thunderstorm for the year.
It was beautiful. Lightning streaked across the sky, thunder rolled, and the rain beat down mercilessly. Flash floods were reported everywhere. And the trees, the newly green trees, they whipped back and forth in the wind and threw their branches to the ground.
I chose to drive in it, to do Lyft. I ended up doing Uber instead, but same difference. To an extent.
Then, as the sun began to go down and I was heading towards Manhattan, the clouds in the west took on an unearthly orange glow. Glancing into the rearview mirror, all behind me was slate gray, dark and angry. But up ahead the sun was setting, and it looked to me like an alien planet. The opaque orange clouds, so unreal with the city skyline glowing against them.
The sun finally managed to peek out, and when it did, it was a red-orange ball of fire, hanging over the horizon like a glowing coal. And to the east: a double rainbow.
I have not seen such beauty in such a long time. I hadn't allowed myself to feel so content in such a long time. It had been such a long time since I'd felt anything that stirred me the way it used to years ago, when I was younger and less damaged.
When I dropped off my passenger in the city, I picked up my friend Nia from work a little farther uptown. We live in the same area, so my ride back wasn't wasted. Instead, I had good company and she bought me Chick fil'a. I'd never tried it before.
All in all, it was a good day. A really good day.
And I would like to leave this blog post here, end it on this note, because I haven't had happy blog posts in a while.
Emotions aren't to be trusted, I guess.
I'd intended to blog about my great day, Tuesday, but didn't quite get around to it.
I was feeling fairly stable emotionally, I spent a little while playing ESO with Cal, I went to tutoring, and then, because the day had been unusually warm for mid-May, a thunderstorm rolled around - our first real thunderstorm for the year.
It was beautiful. Lightning streaked across the sky, thunder rolled, and the rain beat down mercilessly. Flash floods were reported everywhere. And the trees, the newly green trees, they whipped back and forth in the wind and threw their branches to the ground.
I chose to drive in it, to do Lyft. I ended up doing Uber instead, but same difference. To an extent.
Then, as the sun began to go down and I was heading towards Manhattan, the clouds in the west took on an unearthly orange glow. Glancing into the rearview mirror, all behind me was slate gray, dark and angry. But up ahead the sun was setting, and it looked to me like an alien planet. The opaque orange clouds, so unreal with the city skyline glowing against them.
The sun finally managed to peek out, and when it did, it was a red-orange ball of fire, hanging over the horizon like a glowing coal. And to the east: a double rainbow.
I have not seen such beauty in such a long time. I hadn't allowed myself to feel so content in such a long time. It had been such a long time since I'd felt anything that stirred me the way it used to years ago, when I was younger and less damaged.
When I dropped off my passenger in the city, I picked up my friend Nia from work a little farther uptown. We live in the same area, so my ride back wasn't wasted. Instead, I had good company and she bought me Chick fil'a. I'd never tried it before.
All in all, it was a good day. A really good day.
And I would like to leave this blog post here, end it on this note, because I haven't had happy blog posts in a while.
Saturday, May 12, 2018
I haven't been doing too well lately
At what point do you fight past what's bothering you, and at what point do you "follow your gut" and decide something isn't right for you, or healthy?
I guess after you know you've done all you can to rule out that it's not your gut - which I haven't done yet.
I'll be starting therapy soon. Tuesday is my second intake meeting (well, re-intake, since I didn't follow up the first time a year ago) and after that, I'll be matched with a therapist.
Yesterday was an awful day for me. I was stressed, tired, lonely, didn't feel well, and was generally unable to deal with the little hardships that the day threw at me. I started the day out with a headache that lingered for most of the day, I had to drive to New Jersey to complete 17 Lyft rides in order to finish my quest, my allergies were bothering me, I got stuck in traffic for pretty much every single trip, the GPS and Lyft driver app kept glitching out and losing service, I was miserable because I hadn't gotten a reply from Cal in several hours, I had to pee but riders kept getting added to my queue and I didn't want to miss out on the opportunity or have my acceptance rating go down, Khrys was busy the whole day so she couldn't talk, the lady in Dunkin Donuts was stressed out too and so was kind of rude to me, I had to pay too many tolls...
See, my tendency is that when I have a bad day, I want to call it quits on everything. I catastrophize. I'm unable to handle all the little things, and I swell them up to mean that everything is awful and bad and I'm not good enough and see how many little things are going wrong that probably means big things are going to go wrong too.
When I get like this, I feel awkward being around people. There have been times when I feel awkward being around my dad, my brother and his family, even Khrys and Cal. Like I don't know what to say. I feel like I'm intruding on their space. I want to run away. I think I'm bothering them. I think they don't want to know what's going on in my life so I should just leave them alone. Then when they do reach out to me, I'm irritable, because I feel like, if you don't want to talk to me anyway, why bother now?
There's a little part of me that's telling me that's irrational, but I'm not so sure it is.
I don't know what's so special about me, anyway, that people would want to be around me. That would make me memorable or make someone not want to lose me. The f*cked up part about that is, that my friends have told me. They've said I'm a great friend, a good listener, someone who gives good advice and makes them want to be a better version of themselves and try new things, someone who talks them down from the ledge and is there for them when they're down.
But I can't see these things about myself. Or at least, I feel like they're not enough, like someone else could probably do them better.
I only remember the bad parts. Those are the only parts that feel true.
The parts where Meika made me feel bad for not seeing her often enough. The guilt trips my brother puts on me for not being a big enough part of my niece and nephew's lives. The time when I trusted Cody with everything I had and he took it all and gave it to a female friend of his and left me in the dust. When all I was, all I am, wasn't good enough for people.
That's what I remember.
That's what my brain plays over and over again, on a loop, when I have a bad day.
Or week.
Or month.
This is going to take what seems like a sudden turn, but it's not, because it's all connected in my head.
So I wonder whether Cal is right for me, or whether I'm forcing myself to be right for him. Then because I'm wondering this, I wonder whether that's proof that he's not right for me.
There are times when I'm satisfied, happy, content, and just really freaking happy to be with him. I don't overthink our conversations, I'm not afraid to say something that might somehow offend his ego or remind him of something sad, I'm not questioning whether we are "just right" in this moment, nor am I actively thinking about how we are together. I'm just there. Happy. In the moment.
Now, I know the whole "offend the ego" thing might come up as a red flag. Mind you, there is absolutely NO reason he's ever given me to think that I've offended his ego. It's just that if he mentions he's had a bad day or he's struggling with something and I offer to help, if he takes a while to reply I immediately think "oh I must have offended him, that was probably out of line, now he thinks I pity him and he's got his feelings hurt." But then his replies always make my thought processes seem unfounded.
Just so we get that cleared up.
But now for the other times. The times when I'm overthinking and nervous.
Stress Factor 1: He would complain sometimes about a friend of his that calls and doesn't really have anything to say. Who calls while he's walking to the train station, just for company's sake, and how it's annoying to him.
My Reaction: Oh my goodness, I can't call him if I just want to hear his voice or just talk to him about nothing important, because I'll be annoying just like that friend and he'll be waiting to get off the phone with me. I must have something interesting planned out to talk to him about, or else I'm not justified in calling him. When I do call him and there's a momentary lapse in conversation, I panic because I assume that I'm boring him.
Actual Conversations: He'll stay on the phone with me for hours at a time, if he has to go because he's working he'll call me back as soon as he drops off his passenger, up to multiple times for the day/night. He'll stay on the phone with me until he's actually climbed into bed and turned off the lights and is ready to go to sleep. We've actually spent 7 hours straight on the phone while playing ESO. Usually, he's the one to call me.
Stress Factor 2: He's quite critical of others when they don't use common sense or do things in a way that he considers the ideal way to do something.
My Reaction: The moment I do something and realize it wasn't the best way to do it, I think that he must think I'm stupid, and he's going to break up with me because he's eventually going to get tired of being together with someone who makes bad decisions or stupid little mistakes.
Actual Fact: He's never criticized me harshly...only pointed out once or twice something that needs to be improved such as, and here are the actual things: I shouldn't switch lanes in front of an oncoming truck because it can kill me and anyone else in the car, and I need to be more alert when I drive and put on my indicator earlier before switching lanes. Legit. That's all.
Stress Factor 3: His female friend that he met while we were separated.
My Reaction: Omg, she's so much cooler than I am, she has bigger boobs than me, she has an actual job, her skin looks like it's clear, she seems so nonchalant when she texts him and non-overthinking, she's so open and good at staying in communication with people, she's so good at grammar in texting, she probably texts him every single day, she seems to be the person besides me that he's most connected to in every single way (snapchat, instagram, texting, imessage showing up on his ipad), when he's not hanging out with me she's probably over at his house hanging out and cuddling with him, omg he shared Doctor Who with her I wanted that to be only our thing, when he's not texting me I bet he's texting her all day nonstop, he's probably meant to be with her and he'll realize that eventually and leave me just like Cody did.
Actual Facts: I have no proof of them communicating every day. In the two years that we've been together, she's only come up in conversation (by him mentioning her) 3 times, and it was always relevant to our current conversation. All he did was have a conversation with her about Doctor Who, not binge watch the series with her. He of his own volition told me he's not interested in her, she's just fun to talk to, but the one time they hung out, it just wasn't clicking.
Stress Factor 4: "just wasn't clicking"
My Reaction: Does that mean that the times when I feel awkward it means that we aren't clicking anymore? Does that mean we aren't meant to be together? Am I forcing it? Is he forcing it too but neither one of us wants to admit it? Does he really not want to be around me? Does him standing across the room or choosing to sit on the chair instead of coming to lie down next to me on the bed mean that he's not interested in me anymore or doesn't really want to be close to me or that he doesn't want to show me affection?
Actual Facts: I dunno about this one. This is one of the biggest things. But if I were to try for actual, objective facts, here goes: He's antsy. He's always moving; standing up when he's been sitting down, walking around to touch things and stuff like that. He's also not a super-affectionate-all-the-time person, never has been, as far as I know. Didn't get a ton of affection growing up, either. There are times, plenty of times, when he's super affectionate with me, will cuddle up and fall asleep on me (while I'm squished and can barely breathe but I love it), will randomly reach for my hand to hold it, will use my legs as a pillow while playing video games, or will show up at my house while he's working just to give me a kiss because he hasn't seen me in a few days.
It's just that I want more of it. He's so busy lately. Which leads me to...
Stress Factor 5: He's busy and working more now.
Result: We've gone from seeing each other every day, 5 or 6 days out of the week, 12 or more hours of the day, to only seeing each other one set day a week, for maybe 12 hours, to not even knowing when I'm actually going to get to see him because either he's working or I am, and when he does stop by, or I do, it's only for 3 or 4 hours because he has to go out to work in the evening, and I work in the mornings and afternoons.
My Reaction: Maybe he doesn't want to see me anymore. Maybe he's tired of me. Also, maybe this is what real life is like and I need to learn to be okay with it or else I'll never be happy. Maybe we were living in a bubble world before, unrealistically. Maybe he doesn't even miss me. Maybe he's slowly losing interest. Maybe if I ask to hang out, I'm being clingy and pursuant and it'll be a turnoff or else I'm just being pathetic.
Actual Relevant Facts: He's trying to pay off his brother for the car he bought from him. He started going to the gym, and he's actually working and paying his bills instead of always being in the negatives. Also, from previous experience, I've learned that most times it takes a solid week of not seeing me for him to reach out and ask to hang out. But he always texts me, every day, several times for the day. He stays connected.
Stress Factor 6: Back when we first were talking about getting back together again, he said he didn't want a label, because a label was just something to tell other people and only put expectations (ie. stress) on the relationship and takes away from the joy of doing anything nice for the other person because it's "expected." We should just add sex to the list of best friend benefits like advice-giving, and act on impulse unless one of us didn't want to or was in a relationship. He also joked that there should be a household where each of us was married to someone and there was just the sex connection between us, and all four lived in the same house.
My Reaction: WTH? I said I didn't want to be physical unless we were in a relationship. Then, I thought we weren't in one, we were just seeing how things progressed. I thought that the fact that he said "or if one of us is in a relationship" meant that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me, that all he wanted from me was advice and friendship and sex. No feelings, no affection. No connection the way a couple would have. I thought it meant that he would want the emotional connection from another person but just the sex from me. Why would I not be enough for everything; the emotion, the friendship and the physical? I must not be good enough for him.
What Actually Happened: During the time we were separated, he told complete strangers that I was his girlfriend. When we decided we wanted to work on it, to try again, he told a restaurant owner that I was his girlfriend. He refers to me as his girlfriend when he's talking to friends or family members (except for the ones that I know personally and see all the time, then he just mentions me by name). He's told me that he wants me to have his kids, and that the next relationship milestone will be his because when we hit 4 years together it'll be his longest relationship ever. He's said that during sex with me he's been getting emotional, but he likes to keep such things to himself for a while.
My Reaction To This: I'm F*CKING confused, and I intend to talk to him about it because it's a major sticking point for me, something that I keep coming back to. I just haven't managed to sort out my thoughts about it until now.
Stress Factor 7: The fact that he was interested in someone else during the time we weren't together.
My Reaction: Well, I started talking to Cody again, and even did some sexual things with him (but no actual intercourse...just hand jobs) and kissed him during that time, and technically Cal and I were broken up. I was even making plans to possibly move in with Cody in a year's time. So I shouldn't be one to talk. Cal said he just hung out with her once, and it wasn't clicking. When I asked him why it didn't work out with her, he said he "just lost interest." Made a gesture with his hand of the interest just declining, like shooting downhill. Said it must be part of the curse, that he can never stay interested in anyone with larger than a B cup size. (rolls eyes) But my thing is, you broke up with me because you weren't over your ex. You seemed like you couldn't be in a relationship, because according to you, if she were to come back and say she wanted to work on it, you would crumble, and you needed to know that you wouldn't crumble in order to pursue a serious relationship with me. So then why, why during that time, would you meet someone else, and be interested in her? Even if you lost the interest, and it didn't click...why? How does that work?
Actual Facts: They're all listed above. I got nothin'.
Stress Factor 8: He's not big on "Words of Affirmation." He doesn't text just to say "i miss u" or "hey was just thinking of you." He hasn't mentioned marriage. Or moving in together. Just kids. He doesn't say things like "I'm thinking about our future together" or plan out "dates" like I read about online or see in movies. Then I get questions from friends of the family like "So, this thing with Cal, is it serious?" When I was in Spain with Nia and I sent him a selfie of us on top of Bunker del Carmel (with a 360-degree view of the entire city of Barcelona AND the Mediterranean Sea) he said it was a cool view instead of gushing about how beautiful I looked. Mind you, I sent him the photo with the point being for him to see how amazing our backdrop was, not looking for a compliment, but Nia was horrified that he didn't compliment me. And I was a hundred percent fine with it until she reacted negatively.
My Reaction: I don't know how to react. I get worried. I wonder whether him not stating his commitment outright is a red flag, whether him not declaring his undying love to me means that he doesn't even feel any sort of affection for me, whether him not talking about marriage means that he's not committed and I shouldn't be giving him the time of day... However, what if it's actually a green flag? What if it means that he's not rushing into things, not making promises before he's sure? Letting things progress naturally? Isn't that better? What is it that I want, or expect...or prefer, versus what society thinks and expects? What culture dictates? Most people rush into things based on these expectations, and then they're divorced a year later. Or they have kids with parents who can't stand each other. I don't want that.
Actual Facts: He's said that he's not good with words. I've seen that in action. Also, he seems to be more of a doer, someone who will show how they feel for you through actions rather than saying it. We took the 5 Love Languages quiz and his top three languages were Quality Time, Acts of Service and Gifts, whereas mine were Quality Time, Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation.
That's all I can think of at the moment. My brain is tired. My chest is sore. I want to ask Cal about Stress Factor 6 right now, but I'm afraid. I might be afraid of it being the last straw...that he sees me as being too insecure and clingy, but I also think it's a valid topic to ask for clarification on. That thing right there is the root of all my insecurity. It's made me feel like, even though he wanted to get back together with me, said he'd realized that he didn't want to be just friends, said he didn't want to miss out on another opportunity and was worried that he'd waited too long, that somehow, because of that conversation in the beginning, he's not really committed, or doesn't want to be, or that I am not the embodiment of "enough" for him. It sits underneath my ribcage, festering, making me question every interaction, every text, every in-between-the lines. It makes me feel like, no matter what he does to show me otherwise, maybe he doesn't really want me.
There we go.
It's all out.
I do actually feel better.
For now.
I guess after you know you've done all you can to rule out that it's not your gut - which I haven't done yet.
I'll be starting therapy soon. Tuesday is my second intake meeting (well, re-intake, since I didn't follow up the first time a year ago) and after that, I'll be matched with a therapist.
Yesterday was an awful day for me. I was stressed, tired, lonely, didn't feel well, and was generally unable to deal with the little hardships that the day threw at me. I started the day out with a headache that lingered for most of the day, I had to drive to New Jersey to complete 17 Lyft rides in order to finish my quest, my allergies were bothering me, I got stuck in traffic for pretty much every single trip, the GPS and Lyft driver app kept glitching out and losing service, I was miserable because I hadn't gotten a reply from Cal in several hours, I had to pee but riders kept getting added to my queue and I didn't want to miss out on the opportunity or have my acceptance rating go down, Khrys was busy the whole day so she couldn't talk, the lady in Dunkin Donuts was stressed out too and so was kind of rude to me, I had to pay too many tolls...
See, my tendency is that when I have a bad day, I want to call it quits on everything. I catastrophize. I'm unable to handle all the little things, and I swell them up to mean that everything is awful and bad and I'm not good enough and see how many little things are going wrong that probably means big things are going to go wrong too.
When I get like this, I feel awkward being around people. There have been times when I feel awkward being around my dad, my brother and his family, even Khrys and Cal. Like I don't know what to say. I feel like I'm intruding on their space. I want to run away. I think I'm bothering them. I think they don't want to know what's going on in my life so I should just leave them alone. Then when they do reach out to me, I'm irritable, because I feel like, if you don't want to talk to me anyway, why bother now?
There's a little part of me that's telling me that's irrational, but I'm not so sure it is.
I don't know what's so special about me, anyway, that people would want to be around me. That would make me memorable or make someone not want to lose me. The f*cked up part about that is, that my friends have told me. They've said I'm a great friend, a good listener, someone who gives good advice and makes them want to be a better version of themselves and try new things, someone who talks them down from the ledge and is there for them when they're down.
But I can't see these things about myself. Or at least, I feel like they're not enough, like someone else could probably do them better.
I only remember the bad parts. Those are the only parts that feel true.
The parts where Meika made me feel bad for not seeing her often enough. The guilt trips my brother puts on me for not being a big enough part of my niece and nephew's lives. The time when I trusted Cody with everything I had and he took it all and gave it to a female friend of his and left me in the dust. When all I was, all I am, wasn't good enough for people.
That's what I remember.
That's what my brain plays over and over again, on a loop, when I have a bad day.
Or week.
Or month.
This is going to take what seems like a sudden turn, but it's not, because it's all connected in my head.
So I wonder whether Cal is right for me, or whether I'm forcing myself to be right for him. Then because I'm wondering this, I wonder whether that's proof that he's not right for me.
There are times when I'm satisfied, happy, content, and just really freaking happy to be with him. I don't overthink our conversations, I'm not afraid to say something that might somehow offend his ego or remind him of something sad, I'm not questioning whether we are "just right" in this moment, nor am I actively thinking about how we are together. I'm just there. Happy. In the moment.
Now, I know the whole "offend the ego" thing might come up as a red flag. Mind you, there is absolutely NO reason he's ever given me to think that I've offended his ego. It's just that if he mentions he's had a bad day or he's struggling with something and I offer to help, if he takes a while to reply I immediately think "oh I must have offended him, that was probably out of line, now he thinks I pity him and he's got his feelings hurt." But then his replies always make my thought processes seem unfounded.
Just so we get that cleared up.
But now for the other times. The times when I'm overthinking and nervous.
Stress Factor 1: He would complain sometimes about a friend of his that calls and doesn't really have anything to say. Who calls while he's walking to the train station, just for company's sake, and how it's annoying to him.
My Reaction: Oh my goodness, I can't call him if I just want to hear his voice or just talk to him about nothing important, because I'll be annoying just like that friend and he'll be waiting to get off the phone with me. I must have something interesting planned out to talk to him about, or else I'm not justified in calling him. When I do call him and there's a momentary lapse in conversation, I panic because I assume that I'm boring him.
Actual Conversations: He'll stay on the phone with me for hours at a time, if he has to go because he's working he'll call me back as soon as he drops off his passenger, up to multiple times for the day/night. He'll stay on the phone with me until he's actually climbed into bed and turned off the lights and is ready to go to sleep. We've actually spent 7 hours straight on the phone while playing ESO. Usually, he's the one to call me.
Stress Factor 2: He's quite critical of others when they don't use common sense or do things in a way that he considers the ideal way to do something.
My Reaction: The moment I do something and realize it wasn't the best way to do it, I think that he must think I'm stupid, and he's going to break up with me because he's eventually going to get tired of being together with someone who makes bad decisions or stupid little mistakes.
Actual Fact: He's never criticized me harshly...only pointed out once or twice something that needs to be improved such as, and here are the actual things: I shouldn't switch lanes in front of an oncoming truck because it can kill me and anyone else in the car, and I need to be more alert when I drive and put on my indicator earlier before switching lanes. Legit. That's all.
Stress Factor 3: His female friend that he met while we were separated.
My Reaction: Omg, she's so much cooler than I am, she has bigger boobs than me, she has an actual job, her skin looks like it's clear, she seems so nonchalant when she texts him and non-overthinking, she's so open and good at staying in communication with people, she's so good at grammar in texting, she probably texts him every single day, she seems to be the person besides me that he's most connected to in every single way (snapchat, instagram, texting, imessage showing up on his ipad), when he's not hanging out with me she's probably over at his house hanging out and cuddling with him, omg he shared Doctor Who with her I wanted that to be only our thing, when he's not texting me I bet he's texting her all day nonstop, he's probably meant to be with her and he'll realize that eventually and leave me just like Cody did.
Actual Facts: I have no proof of them communicating every day. In the two years that we've been together, she's only come up in conversation (by him mentioning her) 3 times, and it was always relevant to our current conversation. All he did was have a conversation with her about Doctor Who, not binge watch the series with her. He of his own volition told me he's not interested in her, she's just fun to talk to, but the one time they hung out, it just wasn't clicking.
Stress Factor 4: "just wasn't clicking"
My Reaction: Does that mean that the times when I feel awkward it means that we aren't clicking anymore? Does that mean we aren't meant to be together? Am I forcing it? Is he forcing it too but neither one of us wants to admit it? Does he really not want to be around me? Does him standing across the room or choosing to sit on the chair instead of coming to lie down next to me on the bed mean that he's not interested in me anymore or doesn't really want to be close to me or that he doesn't want to show me affection?
Actual Facts: I dunno about this one. This is one of the biggest things. But if I were to try for actual, objective facts, here goes: He's antsy. He's always moving; standing up when he's been sitting down, walking around to touch things and stuff like that. He's also not a super-affectionate-all-the-time person, never has been, as far as I know. Didn't get a ton of affection growing up, either. There are times, plenty of times, when he's super affectionate with me, will cuddle up and fall asleep on me (while I'm squished and can barely breathe but I love it), will randomly reach for my hand to hold it, will use my legs as a pillow while playing video games, or will show up at my house while he's working just to give me a kiss because he hasn't seen me in a few days.
It's just that I want more of it. He's so busy lately. Which leads me to...
Stress Factor 5: He's busy and working more now.
Result: We've gone from seeing each other every day, 5 or 6 days out of the week, 12 or more hours of the day, to only seeing each other one set day a week, for maybe 12 hours, to not even knowing when I'm actually going to get to see him because either he's working or I am, and when he does stop by, or I do, it's only for 3 or 4 hours because he has to go out to work in the evening, and I work in the mornings and afternoons.
My Reaction: Maybe he doesn't want to see me anymore. Maybe he's tired of me. Also, maybe this is what real life is like and I need to learn to be okay with it or else I'll never be happy. Maybe we were living in a bubble world before, unrealistically. Maybe he doesn't even miss me. Maybe he's slowly losing interest. Maybe if I ask to hang out, I'm being clingy and pursuant and it'll be a turnoff or else I'm just being pathetic.
Actual Relevant Facts: He's trying to pay off his brother for the car he bought from him. He started going to the gym, and he's actually working and paying his bills instead of always being in the negatives. Also, from previous experience, I've learned that most times it takes a solid week of not seeing me for him to reach out and ask to hang out. But he always texts me, every day, several times for the day. He stays connected.
Stress Factor 6: Back when we first were talking about getting back together again, he said he didn't want a label, because a label was just something to tell other people and only put expectations (ie. stress) on the relationship and takes away from the joy of doing anything nice for the other person because it's "expected." We should just add sex to the list of best friend benefits like advice-giving, and act on impulse unless one of us didn't want to or was in a relationship. He also joked that there should be a household where each of us was married to someone and there was just the sex connection between us, and all four lived in the same house.
My Reaction: WTH? I said I didn't want to be physical unless we were in a relationship. Then, I thought we weren't in one, we were just seeing how things progressed. I thought that the fact that he said "or if one of us is in a relationship" meant that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me, that all he wanted from me was advice and friendship and sex. No feelings, no affection. No connection the way a couple would have. I thought it meant that he would want the emotional connection from another person but just the sex from me. Why would I not be enough for everything; the emotion, the friendship and the physical? I must not be good enough for him.
What Actually Happened: During the time we were separated, he told complete strangers that I was his girlfriend. When we decided we wanted to work on it, to try again, he told a restaurant owner that I was his girlfriend. He refers to me as his girlfriend when he's talking to friends or family members (except for the ones that I know personally and see all the time, then he just mentions me by name). He's told me that he wants me to have his kids, and that the next relationship milestone will be his because when we hit 4 years together it'll be his longest relationship ever. He's said that during sex with me he's been getting emotional, but he likes to keep such things to himself for a while.
My Reaction To This: I'm F*CKING confused, and I intend to talk to him about it because it's a major sticking point for me, something that I keep coming back to. I just haven't managed to sort out my thoughts about it until now.
Stress Factor 7: The fact that he was interested in someone else during the time we weren't together.
My Reaction: Well, I started talking to Cody again, and even did some sexual things with him (but no actual intercourse...just hand jobs) and kissed him during that time, and technically Cal and I were broken up. I was even making plans to possibly move in with Cody in a year's time. So I shouldn't be one to talk. Cal said he just hung out with her once, and it wasn't clicking. When I asked him why it didn't work out with her, he said he "just lost interest." Made a gesture with his hand of the interest just declining, like shooting downhill. Said it must be part of the curse, that he can never stay interested in anyone with larger than a B cup size. (rolls eyes) But my thing is, you broke up with me because you weren't over your ex. You seemed like you couldn't be in a relationship, because according to you, if she were to come back and say she wanted to work on it, you would crumble, and you needed to know that you wouldn't crumble in order to pursue a serious relationship with me. So then why, why during that time, would you meet someone else, and be interested in her? Even if you lost the interest, and it didn't click...why? How does that work?
Actual Facts: They're all listed above. I got nothin'.
Stress Factor 8: He's not big on "Words of Affirmation." He doesn't text just to say "i miss u" or "hey was just thinking of you." He hasn't mentioned marriage. Or moving in together. Just kids. He doesn't say things like "I'm thinking about our future together" or plan out "dates" like I read about online or see in movies. Then I get questions from friends of the family like "So, this thing with Cal, is it serious?" When I was in Spain with Nia and I sent him a selfie of us on top of Bunker del Carmel (with a 360-degree view of the entire city of Barcelona AND the Mediterranean Sea) he said it was a cool view instead of gushing about how beautiful I looked. Mind you, I sent him the photo with the point being for him to see how amazing our backdrop was, not looking for a compliment, but Nia was horrified that he didn't compliment me. And I was a hundred percent fine with it until she reacted negatively.
My Reaction: I don't know how to react. I get worried. I wonder whether him not stating his commitment outright is a red flag, whether him not declaring his undying love to me means that he doesn't even feel any sort of affection for me, whether him not talking about marriage means that he's not committed and I shouldn't be giving him the time of day... However, what if it's actually a green flag? What if it means that he's not rushing into things, not making promises before he's sure? Letting things progress naturally? Isn't that better? What is it that I want, or expect...or prefer, versus what society thinks and expects? What culture dictates? Most people rush into things based on these expectations, and then they're divorced a year later. Or they have kids with parents who can't stand each other. I don't want that.
Actual Facts: He's said that he's not good with words. I've seen that in action. Also, he seems to be more of a doer, someone who will show how they feel for you through actions rather than saying it. We took the 5 Love Languages quiz and his top three languages were Quality Time, Acts of Service and Gifts, whereas mine were Quality Time, Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation.
That's all I can think of at the moment. My brain is tired. My chest is sore. I want to ask Cal about Stress Factor 6 right now, but I'm afraid. I might be afraid of it being the last straw...that he sees me as being too insecure and clingy, but I also think it's a valid topic to ask for clarification on. That thing right there is the root of all my insecurity. It's made me feel like, even though he wanted to get back together with me, said he'd realized that he didn't want to be just friends, said he didn't want to miss out on another opportunity and was worried that he'd waited too long, that somehow, because of that conversation in the beginning, he's not really committed, or doesn't want to be, or that I am not the embodiment of "enough" for him. It sits underneath my ribcage, festering, making me question every interaction, every text, every in-between-the lines. It makes me feel like, no matter what he does to show me otherwise, maybe he doesn't really want me.
There we go.
It's all out.
I do actually feel better.
For now.
Sunday, April 29, 2018
100 reasons to date someone like myself
This post might take a few days to complete. I read an article online called "100 Reasons to Date Someone Like You" and thought it would be a listicle. Much to my surprise, the article simply challenged readers to create a list of 100 positive traits they see in themselves that they would also look for in a partner.
I thought it was a great idea, so here goes.
1. I'm patient
2. I try to be a good listener
3. I'm polite
4. I'm friendly
5. I've been told I'm personable
6. I'm kind to others
7. I'm good at drawing
8. I'm a good writer
9. I give people space
10. I try to be independent
11. I try to understand where others are coming from
12. I can see things from other people's perspective (not the same as #11, I don't think)
13. I am semi-neat
14. I have nice curls
15. I think I have a nice smile
(This is harder than I thought...and I thought it would be hard)
16. I'm good at explaining things in a way people would understand
17. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt
18. I don't erupt in anger
19. I'm introspective
20. I'm empathetic
21. I try to give without expectation of return
22. I'm good with children
23. I have a neat handwriting
24. I'm good at video editing
25. I can read pretty fast
26. I'm good at grammar
27. I'm also good at reading comprehension
28. I can play the drums pretty well
29. Almost every musical instrument I've ever tried I've been able to pick out tunes on it by ear
Well, since this is stuff I'd view as good in someone else too...
30. I'm trying to live a minimalist lifestyle
31.
I thought it was a great idea, so here goes.
1. I'm patient
2. I try to be a good listener
3. I'm polite
4. I'm friendly
5. I've been told I'm personable
6. I'm kind to others
7. I'm good at drawing
8. I'm a good writer
9. I give people space
10. I try to be independent
11. I try to understand where others are coming from
12. I can see things from other people's perspective (not the same as #11, I don't think)
13. I am semi-neat
14. I have nice curls
15. I think I have a nice smile
(This is harder than I thought...and I thought it would be hard)
16. I'm good at explaining things in a way people would understand
17. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt
18. I don't erupt in anger
19. I'm introspective
20. I'm empathetic
21. I try to give without expectation of return
22. I'm good with children
23. I have a neat handwriting
24. I'm good at video editing
25. I can read pretty fast
26. I'm good at grammar
27. I'm also good at reading comprehension
28. I can play the drums pretty well
29. Almost every musical instrument I've ever tried I've been able to pick out tunes on it by ear
Well, since this is stuff I'd view as good in someone else too...
30. I'm trying to live a minimalist lifestyle
31.
New life philosophy
I've got a new outlook on life. My beliefs are changing.
I used to think that everything was fixed, that there was a grand master plan and there was this unavoidable thing called destiny, there was right and wrong and black and white and no in between.
But I'm now realizing that life is infinitely complex, people are infinitely complex, and it comes down to the choices you make. It's what works for you. What someone else may think is awful and would never stand for, you may be perfectly okay with. They may think it's wrong, but it's just a preference you have.
Now, I believe murder is wrong. I believe war is awful. But no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides to every coin.
What about the wife who was beaten every day by the man she had an arranged marriage with? And finally killed him in an act of self-defense?
What about the oppressed people groups who are taken advantage of and need their freedom? What about people like ISIS, who terrorize anyone who thinks differently from them...how do you stop them?
What about the woman who tries and tries to have children, and when she finally gets pregnant, it's an ectopic pregnancy which would end up being life-threatening to both her and her baby? (an ectopic pregnancy is when the fertilized egg attaches itself somewhere other than the uterus, like inside the fallopian tube, for example. The growing embryo would rupture it, making the pregnancy unviable). Should we really say that abortion is unacceptable under ANY circumstances?
We are not responsible for other people's choices, but we are responsible for how we react to them. We are in control of ourselves, and only ourselves. When it comes to raising children, we are not in control of them either, nor do I believe we should be. I believe we should choose to teach them that they are responsible for their own choices, and that their choices have consequences. We should teach them to respect all others, not by threatening them or intimidating them into doing so, but by accepting our responsibility to help them understand why this is the best course of action.
Now it becomes introspective:
I am not responsible for what Cody did. I chose to give him a certain amount of freedom, which I genuinely believe is everyone's right, and he chose to abuse that freedom. I am responsible for my choice to not continue to have him in my life. I am not responsible for the young man in college who chose to have sex with me without my consent, but I am responsible for not speaking up in a way to make my feelings of discontent known the way I could have. I am responsible for treating others the way I want to be treated, the way human beings deserve to be treated. I will not try to change anyone; I will either accept them for who they are in their entirety and keep them in my life, or decide that I do not want to have someone in my life because of certain things I don't agree with and remove them from my life.
If I don't like something in my life, I choose to change it.
I'm not responsible for my mother dying. I am, however, responsible for how I react to it. I see that depression is trying to make my life miserable, and I choose to seek help via therapy.
In the end, I have to know that I made choices that aligned with my personal values. And with that, I can say that I lived a successful life.
I used to think that everything was fixed, that there was a grand master plan and there was this unavoidable thing called destiny, there was right and wrong and black and white and no in between.
But I'm now realizing that life is infinitely complex, people are infinitely complex, and it comes down to the choices you make. It's what works for you. What someone else may think is awful and would never stand for, you may be perfectly okay with. They may think it's wrong, but it's just a preference you have.
Now, I believe murder is wrong. I believe war is awful. But no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides to every coin.
What about the wife who was beaten every day by the man she had an arranged marriage with? And finally killed him in an act of self-defense?
What about the oppressed people groups who are taken advantage of and need their freedom? What about people like ISIS, who terrorize anyone who thinks differently from them...how do you stop them?
What about the woman who tries and tries to have children, and when she finally gets pregnant, it's an ectopic pregnancy which would end up being life-threatening to both her and her baby? (an ectopic pregnancy is when the fertilized egg attaches itself somewhere other than the uterus, like inside the fallopian tube, for example. The growing embryo would rupture it, making the pregnancy unviable). Should we really say that abortion is unacceptable under ANY circumstances?
We are not responsible for other people's choices, but we are responsible for how we react to them. We are in control of ourselves, and only ourselves. When it comes to raising children, we are not in control of them either, nor do I believe we should be. I believe we should choose to teach them that they are responsible for their own choices, and that their choices have consequences. We should teach them to respect all others, not by threatening them or intimidating them into doing so, but by accepting our responsibility to help them understand why this is the best course of action.
Now it becomes introspective:
I am not responsible for what Cody did. I chose to give him a certain amount of freedom, which I genuinely believe is everyone's right, and he chose to abuse that freedom. I am responsible for my choice to not continue to have him in my life. I am not responsible for the young man in college who chose to have sex with me without my consent, but I am responsible for not speaking up in a way to make my feelings of discontent known the way I could have. I am responsible for treating others the way I want to be treated, the way human beings deserve to be treated. I will not try to change anyone; I will either accept them for who they are in their entirety and keep them in my life, or decide that I do not want to have someone in my life because of certain things I don't agree with and remove them from my life.
If I don't like something in my life, I choose to change it.
I'm not responsible for my mother dying. I am, however, responsible for how I react to it. I see that depression is trying to make my life miserable, and I choose to seek help via therapy.
In the end, I have to know that I made choices that aligned with my personal values. And with that, I can say that I lived a successful life.
I did it.
I can't believe I did it.
I told Cal I love him.
He didn't say it back, but he did take my hand and hold it. We were lying in bed together, me the big spoon and he the little one. I told him he didn't need to say it back, I just wanted him to know.
It's true. I didn't want to hold it in anymore. I WANTED to tell him. But at the same time, I was so terrified that I laid there for an entire hour writing and rewriting the script for what I would say in my mind.
Finally, it went like this:
Me: Hey, are you still awake?
Him: Yeah.
Me: Good. I just wanted to tell you I love you. You don't have to say it back, I just wanted you to know.
Then I buried my face in his back.
Him: *silence*
A few seconds went by and I couldn't breathe properly (I'd mashed my face so hard against his back) so I turned my head, and that seemed to shake him out of his stupor and he took hold of my hand and held it; using his thumb to stroke my fingers.
I ended up spending the night. Accidentally. I had meant to go home before my dad woke up to go to work, but I fell asleep multiple times and eventually woke up at like 5:30am. My dad gets up at 4:00.
I also had to try to talk myself down from spiraling...I had turned over in the bed with my back to him and started thinking to myself "well, he doesn't love me. Well, I guess I'm unlovable. I guess I'm not loved." But then I reminded myself that my father loves me. My mother did. I know Khrys does.
And then he rolled over and put his arm around me and snuggled his face into my back, and fell asleep that way.
I ended up leaving around 7:45 so I could make it home in time to take my birth control pill.
I texted him when I got home and then we both fell back asleep for a few hours.
Then he texted me this:
Him: "I'm very surprised you confessed your feelings"
Him: "In person"
Him: "You have done quite a lot of opening up lately"
Me: "Me too"
Me: "I've been struggling with wanting to say something for a while now but was always too scared"
Me: "I'm trying lol"
Him: "Thank you *extra happy smiley face*"
Me: "You're welcome *extra happy smiley face*"
Me: "And thank you"
Me: "For being someone that I actually want to open up around and can feel comfortable doing so"
Him: "Are you up for some Esoing?"
And I gotta tell you, although you may think it's weird or that's a weird transition or how dare he start talking about video games right after that...it could not have been more perfect for me/us. ESO is something we share; a way we bond when we're not together. We've spent hours on the phone to stay connected while we play that game.
That's all that's been said about it so far...this happened from Friday night to Saturday morning, and today is Sunday, and my dad's birthday.
I can't believe I said it. I actually told him. I've told someone that I love them, and I've said it first, and I've meant it. I feel strangely...liberated now. Like, he knows how I feel. I've told him. He knows how invested I am. He can have that to think about and consider...(although that part scares me a little bit because I went online and read about other situations - dumb, I know - where the guy freaked out after a week and broke up with the woman) but I know him. I don't think he's the type of person to do that, and not now. But no matter what happens, I was brave enough to say how I feel.
And I'm proud of myself for that.
I told Cal I love him.
He didn't say it back, but he did take my hand and hold it. We were lying in bed together, me the big spoon and he the little one. I told him he didn't need to say it back, I just wanted him to know.
It's true. I didn't want to hold it in anymore. I WANTED to tell him. But at the same time, I was so terrified that I laid there for an entire hour writing and rewriting the script for what I would say in my mind.
Finally, it went like this:
Me: Hey, are you still awake?
Him: Yeah.
Me: Good. I just wanted to tell you I love you. You don't have to say it back, I just wanted you to know.
Then I buried my face in his back.
Him: *silence*
A few seconds went by and I couldn't breathe properly (I'd mashed my face so hard against his back) so I turned my head, and that seemed to shake him out of his stupor and he took hold of my hand and held it; using his thumb to stroke my fingers.
I ended up spending the night. Accidentally. I had meant to go home before my dad woke up to go to work, but I fell asleep multiple times and eventually woke up at like 5:30am. My dad gets up at 4:00.
I also had to try to talk myself down from spiraling...I had turned over in the bed with my back to him and started thinking to myself "well, he doesn't love me. Well, I guess I'm unlovable. I guess I'm not loved." But then I reminded myself that my father loves me. My mother did. I know Khrys does.
And then he rolled over and put his arm around me and snuggled his face into my back, and fell asleep that way.
I ended up leaving around 7:45 so I could make it home in time to take my birth control pill.
I texted him when I got home and then we both fell back asleep for a few hours.
Then he texted me this:
Him: "I'm very surprised you confessed your feelings"
Him: "In person"
Him: "You have done quite a lot of opening up lately"
Me: "Me too"
Me: "I've been struggling with wanting to say something for a while now but was always too scared"
Me: "I'm trying lol"
Him: "Thank you *extra happy smiley face*"
Me: "You're welcome *extra happy smiley face*"
Me: "And thank you"
Me: "For being someone that I actually want to open up around and can feel comfortable doing so"
Him: "Are you up for some Esoing?"
And I gotta tell you, although you may think it's weird or that's a weird transition or how dare he start talking about video games right after that...it could not have been more perfect for me/us. ESO is something we share; a way we bond when we're not together. We've spent hours on the phone to stay connected while we play that game.
That's all that's been said about it so far...this happened from Friday night to Saturday morning, and today is Sunday, and my dad's birthday.
I can't believe I said it. I actually told him. I've told someone that I love them, and I've said it first, and I've meant it. I feel strangely...liberated now. Like, he knows how I feel. I've told him. He knows how invested I am. He can have that to think about and consider...(although that part scares me a little bit because I went online and read about other situations - dumb, I know - where the guy freaked out after a week and broke up with the woman) but I know him. I don't think he's the type of person to do that, and not now. But no matter what happens, I was brave enough to say how I feel.
And I'm proud of myself for that.
Wednesday, April 11, 2018
Hey there.
It's been a few months.
What's weird is I can't tell you whether I've been okay or not. When I try to remember, it's a blur. Blank, really.
I've been trying to be okay, and I think I managed pretty well up until the middle of last month. Then it all kinda went to sh*ts. It's been me missing my mom a lot and that kind of bleeding over into every other aspect of my life, to the point where I was compelled to draw again. Haven't needed to draw in a while.
Jealousy has kicked in again, and insecurity. I was doing so well.
Anyway. The reason I came on here today was to vent about my tutoring/self-esteem dilemma. You know, that neverending, seemingly inescapable feeling we all have of not being "good enough" for whatever it is we desperately want to do?
Yeah. That.
A few of my students have improved, but one or two of them I still see struggling. I feel like I'm not making any headway. I want to see tangible results. But often I'm just playing catch up with their schoolwork. I hate that. I want to be this person who is amazing and the parents are like "oh my gawd what did we ever do before you came along?" There's one girl who I've taught to read, there's a boy (my first ever student) whose average went up from a C to a B+, but I still feel like there's so much pressure. Now, I know some of it is imagined. The rest is permitted. I need to stop permitting it. Just do my best, try different approaches, and eventually, I'll find the thing that works for that child.
The little voice inside my head, though, plagues me with thoughts like "why are they keeping me around in the meanwhile?" How is it that others can see the value in me, but I can't see it in myself?
I feel like I go through this crisis all too often. Every few months. Especially during the transition from winter to spring. It's been a thing I've struggled with ever since high school. There's this weird energy in the air now (not trying to sound all transcendental or hippie) but it's like, the world is waking up, and I'm being forced to wake up too. I need to go outside. Do things. But shaking off the slumber of winter is hard...and uncomfortable.
I bought a pair of $10 headphones today at Family Dollar. I've needed 'em. Sigh. Best ten bucks I've spent in a while.
I dislike the amount of time I spend driving in my car, but it earns me money. So, meh. Not much I can do about that at the moment. Or is there? I don't know.
Applying for jobs is daunting. But I may as well do it. This seems to be fluctuating all over the place.
On a brighter note, despite my unfounded fears, the relationship with Cal has been progressing quite nicely. I've been way too happy lately...and it scares me. We made 2 years at the end of March. Man, how time has flown. Not a single argument yet...although to be fair we don't live together, but at the same time, any difficult conversations are just that. Difficult conversations. When he realizes something is important, he tries to understand and talk it out. We give each other space. And I also feel like we've become closer in a way. So...yeah.
You know, I think I need to go do some cleaning. Like, hard core scrubbing and sweeping and all that. Burn off some of this negative energy.
Alright. Later.
It's been a few months.
What's weird is I can't tell you whether I've been okay or not. When I try to remember, it's a blur. Blank, really.
I've been trying to be okay, and I think I managed pretty well up until the middle of last month. Then it all kinda went to sh*ts. It's been me missing my mom a lot and that kind of bleeding over into every other aspect of my life, to the point where I was compelled to draw again. Haven't needed to draw in a while.
Jealousy has kicked in again, and insecurity. I was doing so well.
Anyway. The reason I came on here today was to vent about my tutoring/self-esteem dilemma. You know, that neverending, seemingly inescapable feeling we all have of not being "good enough" for whatever it is we desperately want to do?
Yeah. That.
A few of my students have improved, but one or two of them I still see struggling. I feel like I'm not making any headway. I want to see tangible results. But often I'm just playing catch up with their schoolwork. I hate that. I want to be this person who is amazing and the parents are like "oh my gawd what did we ever do before you came along?" There's one girl who I've taught to read, there's a boy (my first ever student) whose average went up from a C to a B+, but I still feel like there's so much pressure. Now, I know some of it is imagined. The rest is permitted. I need to stop permitting it. Just do my best, try different approaches, and eventually, I'll find the thing that works for that child.
The little voice inside my head, though, plagues me with thoughts like "why are they keeping me around in the meanwhile?" How is it that others can see the value in me, but I can't see it in myself?
I feel like I go through this crisis all too often. Every few months. Especially during the transition from winter to spring. It's been a thing I've struggled with ever since high school. There's this weird energy in the air now (not trying to sound all transcendental or hippie) but it's like, the world is waking up, and I'm being forced to wake up too. I need to go outside. Do things. But shaking off the slumber of winter is hard...and uncomfortable.
I bought a pair of $10 headphones today at Family Dollar. I've needed 'em. Sigh. Best ten bucks I've spent in a while.
I dislike the amount of time I spend driving in my car, but it earns me money. So, meh. Not much I can do about that at the moment. Or is there? I don't know.
Applying for jobs is daunting. But I may as well do it. This seems to be fluctuating all over the place.
On a brighter note, despite my unfounded fears, the relationship with Cal has been progressing quite nicely. I've been way too happy lately...and it scares me. We made 2 years at the end of March. Man, how time has flown. Not a single argument yet...although to be fair we don't live together, but at the same time, any difficult conversations are just that. Difficult conversations. When he realizes something is important, he tries to understand and talk it out. We give each other space. And I also feel like we've become closer in a way. So...yeah.
You know, I think I need to go do some cleaning. Like, hard core scrubbing and sweeping and all that. Burn off some of this negative energy.
Alright. Later.
Monday, January 1, 2018
New Year
Same old me, I think.
I've kind of given up on the whole new year's resolutions thing. At the moment it's just too much effort.
Well, not too much effort, because I do have goals. But too much stress. Worrying about what to change and how to do it with the pressure of "oh my gosh it's a new year I have to do this."
I didn't come on here during December and do my usual summary...who I am, what I like, and such. Guess I'll do that now.
I've kind of given up on the whole new year's resolutions thing. At the moment it's just too much effort.
Well, not too much effort, because I do have goals. But too much stress. Worrying about what to change and how to do it with the pressure of "oh my gosh it's a new year I have to do this."
I didn't come on here during December and do my usual summary...who I am, what I like, and such. Guess I'll do that now.
- I went to London, Barcelona and Madrid over the span of 9 days.
- I'm in my longest relationship ever; it's been 17 months total, I think. March would make two years. There were four months that we weren't officially together, a break, but it's been over a year of steady since then.
- I cut my hair, finally. All the dead ends are gone. Bout six inches. It's growing back quickly, though.
- I still live with my dad. It's a learning process...we're getting better at it, I think.
- I've still got my two cats, Topaze and Frisk Ivbony, and I've also got a blue betta fish named Blue Okami.
- I got a new car: it's a 2018 Honda Civic. The old cruze was having electrical problems and kept shutting off on me.
- I work for Lyft. That's been interesting.
- I've been on birth control for over a year now. Dang that was an experience in the beginning. Not a good one. I'm still dealing with the repercussions of that.
- I stopped drinking caffeinated coffee. Something I never thought I'd do, but I realized it was making me way too anxious.
- I think I've been depressed.
- I tried to go to therapy, but didn't follow up on it.
- I don't eat very healthily anymore...about one meal a day and it's often fast food.
- I put back on maybe half the weight I lost after my mom died.
- I'm not a hundred percent sad every day anymore. It's more like seventy percent now. On good days, it's only sixty or fifty. I've even had a day of forty.
- I've developed an interest in psychology.
- I don't wear nail polish anymore. Don't like how it looks.
- I technically have my own tutoring business.
- I miss my mom. A lot.
- I have five tattoos (could count as six, since the ones on each wrist technically make it six but I only count them as one)
- My dad found out about my tattoos and still loves me.
- I've had sex in my own bed, something I didn't see myself ever doing.
- I don't draw as much as I used to.
- I took up watercolor painting and am surprisingly actually kinda good at it.
- My favorite color is gray.
- I've been completely self employed for about a year and a half now. It's been rough, but also kinda fun.
- I've become more comfortable with my body shape.
- Also with my acne scars, although they might be looking a bit better but yeah, still.
- I don't think I have a favorite food anymore. Actually no. It might still be spaghetti and meatballs. But I'm not sure.
- I don't like listening to music with lyrics. It tells me what to feel, and I don't appreciate that.
- I've noticed that I'm a lot more pessimistic and negative when it comes to my outlook on things, and life in general.
- I don't believe in destiny anymore. Just choices. I mean, maybe there's a grand destiny, like God's plan to destroy the earth and make a new one, but besides that along the way, it's just the choices people make. That's what I think.
- I don't eat chocolate anymore. I also don't like the taste anymore either. I break out terribly from even one piece, so it's not worth it anyway.
- I despise social media and its effects on society. Also its effects on myself. I'm trying to avoid it, with the exception of YouTube.
- I have many people in my life who appear to care about me and who check up on me, and I should be grateful for this. Sometimes I find it stressful, though. Having to reply to them, the likes. But at least I am not alone.
- I haven't gotten any better at managing stress, but I have gotten more self compassionate and become aware of my negative thought patterns. I'm working on it.
- This list sounds a lot more grown up than ones in past years.
- I started meditating and then I stopped because my free subscription to the app ran out.
- I don't read nearly as many novels as I used to...I haven't found any amazing ones lately. I miss reading.
- I've gotten into anime. Not terribly into it, but enough to have a few favorites. Sword Art Online and Assassination Classroom are the top two. My Hero Acadamia is a close third.
- I've gotten braver when it comes to expressing my feelings to those people who are important to me.
- I'm definitely changing as a result of all I've been through, and I'm not fully on the other end yet. Guess we'll see who I am in another year.
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