let's do another happy one

I've been doing good lately. Not well, but good.

I've been happy.

It's a little scary to write, because I get scared that if I write down good things, then bad things will happen. But just because I imagine something doesn't make it true.

So I'm going to write about my happy moments.

The mom of one of my students texted me and told me her daughter was able to read an entire book all the way through, one she had barely been able to get through 3 pages of just two months ago. She thanked me. See? This is why I tutor.

My backyard is beautiful. Not in the traditional sense, but in that it's filled with weeds and wildflowers; morning glories that creep up the mesh of my bedroom window, jasmine that cascades over the fence in the back and fills the breeze with its sweet and familiar scent, birds that chatter and tweet throughout the afternoon. It reminds me of a forest.

Cal and I are doing really well together. He likes to team up to play ESO, and I don't panic and overthink as much as I used to. I've gotten so much better at talking myself down and accepting things for what they are right now; just enjoying the moment. The other night I went by (rather late) to catch up watching My Hero Academia. It was the best it's been in a long while. We laughed, had fun, watched the episodes, ate cheez-its, and as usually happens when we're together, things escalated physically.

There are times when it's just fun and lust and times when I can sense something more. I'd been afraid, before, and thought it was just me projecting my feelings, but he's told me that's not the case; he's been getting emotional when we're together like that. That night was one of those nights when I sensed that.

Afterward, he didn't move off of me. Instead, he held me tight and buried his face in my shoulder, and stayed that way for a long time. My heart felt like it was too full...and I remember thinking to myself: this is why you should date your best friend. Because it's the best thing in the world, to be close like this. 

Later, we snuggled up and fell asleep, with our arms around each other. I didn't want to leave, but I also didn't want my dad to worry. But I really, really didn't want to leave. Eventually, I had to pee really badly, so I got up and used that as the catalyst to get myself to leave, but I want to remember this.

Even if it ends, as all things eventually do, because one day I will die and so will he (got real morbid there, huh, but that's how I think ever since my mom died) or if it ends before that...I want to be grateful for these happy times, and for feeling like this.

Because it's nice.