My thoughts

I really, really, really want to hang out with him. Just be around him. Am I addicted? Oh God, that's not good. I should detox myself. But right now I don't want to. He's busy. He's probably busy. But he probably wouldn't mind if I wanted to come over. It's not like I have ulterior motives. I'm on my period and I literally only have the one tampon I'm wearing. I just...want to be around him. But it's 8:30 at night. Time is running out. The window of opportunity is closing. Should I just text? But I saw him just the other day. I should also stay online and do uber. But I want to see him. Texting isn't quite enough. I also don't want to FaceTime him because I want to be NEXT to him.

I'm crazy.

things about him pt. 2

The way he texts me good morning every day. The way he leaves apple cores on his windowsill to feed the ants. The way he smiles and suddenly he looks ten years younger and five times more innocent. The way he buries his head in my side when he's tired. How he feeds stray cats and wild animals bits of his food no matter where we are. The way he'll pull me back and kiss my cheek if I don't want to leave. The scar on his right arm that he got from a dumpster but that's somehow really sexy. How he knows to sometimes open doors for me and that sometimes I just want to do it myself. He remembers that I love to write on rainy days and brings it up whenever it rains. I don't even remember telling him that about myself. His willingness to adopt a stray kitten we found in the street. His unbeatable logic. The way he misses a spot in the back of his head every time he cuts his own hair. His crooked bottom teeth that I hope he never fixes because it just suits him. How he refuses to kill even the smallest, creepiest critter, but will instead gently set it free. His nerdy obsession with anime. The way he won't give gifts for birthdays or Christmas but instead will randomly surprise me with a gift or experience that holds a lot of sentimental meaning or is something I would really enjoy. The way he values teaching a child the value of life and how it can't be replaced. His reluctance to try a new dish once he's established a favorite - no matter what restaurant. Except for burgers. He'll try any burger. Even bison. His obsession with toothpicks. And jalapenos. How he always gets whatever version of strawberry lemonade a restaurant offers. The way he uses his fingers to paint his masks instead of brushes. How he never, ever folds his clean laundry. The way I'll find bits of clay stuck to my clothes when I go home. His readiness to apologize if he thinks he's offended or hurt me. How he'll hold me down and tickle me until I can't breathe...and then blow raspberries on my belly. The way he lets me play with his earlobe when I'm bored. The way he repeats stories sometimes, as if he forgets that he's told them before. How he always takes at least twenty minutes to make up his mind what he wants to eat. And then changes it about four times. And then doesn't get anything to eat after all. Until an hour later. The way he's not afraid to admit to not knowing something. How he picked up on my habit of texting good night when he's going to go to sleep. The way he would get worried if I didn't text him to let him know I reached home okay. How he won't drink, even when a friend buys him a beer and puts it in his hand. His sarcasm. And wit. The way he'll go from tickling me to clutching me close and holding my hand.

I could probably go on, but it's one o'clock in the morning. What does the "o" stand for in o'clock?

I think I'll save anything else for a part 3.

It's been a minute.

It feels like it's been forever since I blogged.

I don't think that's true, though. It just feels like it. There's a lot I've been "just feeling like" lately that also isn't necessarily true. But such is life. And PMS.

Nia booked a flight to Barcelona, Spain, for the two of us for the first week of November. We'll be making monthly payments...and I have to get my passport. This is all kinda terrifying if I think about it, so my brain seems to have decided to accept it as a rational fact, but not reality. It doesn't feel real at all. Perhaps I'd better make a list of what I need:

Passport (birth certificate first)
Big carryon backpack
Spending money

There. I think those are the major things. The rest is what is to be packed along.

Still doesn't feel real.

my life isn't working.

This is what it feels like lately. As if my life is not working for me. I'm struggling to make ends meet, and what I'm doing for a living isn't fulfilling.

Sure, tutoring is great and it helps a child and it brings in a good deal of money (when my clients actually pay me on time and don't randomly cancel sessions), but it's actually more of a source of stress for me than something I enjoy doing.

I freak out about preparing for the sessions. About dealing with the kids. About meeting new parents. Maybe it isn't right for me.

So what's not working? And how can I fix it?

Someone told me yesterday that if I know what I want to change, I should start with small steps.

I want to change how I feel about my work. I want to look forward to it. Not dread it. The one thing that I genuinely look forward to doing is writing. There was that time on the bus some years ago when a random woman struck up a conversation with me and asked me what makes me happy, and to my utter surprise, I replied, "writing." And she said, "Do that."

Small steps. The first small step has been to find out how to set myself up as a professional freelance writer. The next is to begin to do that.

Step one. Go to Dunkin Donuts at 6:30am. Starting tomorrow morning. Work on the freelance writer professional website.  Have breakfast. Do this until 11:00. Seriously. Don't leave until 11:00. If I get tired of working on that website, I can take a one hour break to watch some youtube videos, but I need to set the timer on my phone so I stop when the hour is up.

There. That's step one.

I'll be back once I've figured out step two, but let's not overwhelm ourselves.

I have so much to say

So much on my mind. I can't seem to sort it all out, and it's all swirling around like dark clouds mixed with a bit of sunshine but the rays are being distorted and I can't figure it out.

There are times when I'm so very okay and on top of the world and content and mellow and happy and then there are times when I make up scenarios in my head and work myself into an obsessive compulsive frenzy only focusing on negatives and just...it clouds the reality and the beauty of what my life really is.

MY THOUGHTS:
See? I knew it. My gut instinct was right. He was talking to her as more than a friend, he was interested in her, she was a threat. I knew it. And they still talk now so that makes me upset. I imagine and wonder what they did that one time they hung out and think how she's probably got clear skin with no acne marks and she probably has bigger breasts than I do, I know how she texts with perfect grammar and she's got a sunny personality and tries to help him through dark patches with advice about how to list three things you look forward to and comes to him when she's gone through something icky with a guy....it just hurts that he was actually deciding to pursue someone else even though we were broken up and he didn't owe me a damn thing at that time. And anyway, I was about to get back together with Cody during that period anyway.

THE ACTUAL FACTS:

• He said they didn't click. That means he's not interested in her like that. 
• nothing has changed between before I knew and after I knew except for that now I know, and he shouldn't be punished for being honest about who someone is
• Finding out that HE feels they didn't click is GOOD NEWS. Much better than just her thinking they didn't click. 
• He's told me he hates the "barbie doll look" and actually likes acne scars and things like vitiligo. 

• He said he's been getting emotional when we are "doing the deed." 
• According to like, every single compatibility rating I know about, we are perfect matches (chinese zodiac: Dragon/Snake, western zodiac: Aquarius/Gemini, MBTI personality: INTP/INFJ golden pair)
• He accepts me for my weirdness and quirks (not being able to have important convos face to face but preferring text is a big one)
• He doesn't get aggravated or upset when something is bothering me and I send him a text essay about it; rather he genuinely tries to understand and calmly explains.
• We've survived a breakup with our friendship intact and actually got back together again
• On that note, they say if you love something, let it go; if it comes back it's yours and if it doesn't it was never meant to be. I let him go when he needed it and he came back, EVEN AFTER SHE HAD SHOWN UP
• He's someone I can be completely at ease with and I seriously kinda can't get over that...yesterday I discovered I can actually write my novel while around him (I got three whole pages done. When I'm by myself or in a coffee shop I think the most I've ever gotten done was two pages...when I'm around anyone else I'm too shy to write) 

This is actually making me feel better. I have a confession. I got so far into the headspace of freaking out that I actually checked his phone once when he left the room, just clicking the side button to make it light up and see that it wasn't her who had texted him. I'm ashamed of that. I don't want to be that person. I think that the problem is me, because it's my brain that's been fixated on her when she's not even a part of this relationship. And when I'm feeling really secure in myself, I don't care about stuff that would make me freak out at other times.

A LIST OF THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MYSELF:

• My freckles. I also like the fact that they're where no one can see them but me and someone I'm in an intimate relationship with.
• The shape of my toes.
• My hair.
• The fact that I'm good at listening.
• I'm good with children.
• I've been told I give mature, relevant advice.
• My art.
• My ability to figure out how to play just about every instrument I've laid hands on without much/any help.
• My storytelling skills (when it comes to writing).
• I like being weird and different when it comes to things I like.
• I'm good at explaining things so people can understand.

I am lovable. I am worthy. I am enough.

I am perfect the way I am, because everything about me is what makes me, me.