I have so much to say

So much on my mind. I can't seem to sort it all out, and it's all swirling around like dark clouds mixed with a bit of sunshine but the rays are being distorted and I can't figure it out.

There are times when I'm so very okay and on top of the world and content and mellow and happy and then there are times when I make up scenarios in my head and work myself into an obsessive compulsive frenzy only focusing on negatives and just...it clouds the reality and the beauty of what my life really is.

MY THOUGHTS:
See? I knew it. My gut instinct was right. He was talking to her as more than a friend, he was interested in her, she was a threat. I knew it. And they still talk now so that makes me upset. I imagine and wonder what they did that one time they hung out and think how she's probably got clear skin with no acne marks and she probably has bigger breasts than I do, I know how she texts with perfect grammar and she's got a sunny personality and tries to help him through dark patches with advice about how to list three things you look forward to and comes to him when she's gone through something icky with a guy....it just hurts that he was actually deciding to pursue someone else even though we were broken up and he didn't owe me a damn thing at that time. And anyway, I was about to get back together with Cody during that period anyway.

THE ACTUAL FACTS:

• He said they didn't click. That means he's not interested in her like that. 
• nothing has changed between before I knew and after I knew except for that now I know, and he shouldn't be punished for being honest about who someone is
• Finding out that HE feels they didn't click is GOOD NEWS. Much better than just her thinking they didn't click. 
• He's told me he hates the "barbie doll look" and actually likes acne scars and things like vitiligo. 

• He said he's been getting emotional when we are "doing the deed." 
• According to like, every single compatibility rating I know about, we are perfect matches (chinese zodiac: Dragon/Snake, western zodiac: Aquarius/Gemini, MBTI personality: INTP/INFJ golden pair)
• He accepts me for my weirdness and quirks (not being able to have important convos face to face but preferring text is a big one)
• He doesn't get aggravated or upset when something is bothering me and I send him a text essay about it; rather he genuinely tries to understand and calmly explains.
• We've survived a breakup with our friendship intact and actually got back together again
• On that note, they say if you love something, let it go; if it comes back it's yours and if it doesn't it was never meant to be. I let him go when he needed it and he came back, EVEN AFTER SHE HAD SHOWN UP
• He's someone I can be completely at ease with and I seriously kinda can't get over that...yesterday I discovered I can actually write my novel while around him (I got three whole pages done. When I'm by myself or in a coffee shop I think the most I've ever gotten done was two pages...when I'm around anyone else I'm too shy to write) 

This is actually making me feel better. I have a confession. I got so far into the headspace of freaking out that I actually checked his phone once when he left the room, just clicking the side button to make it light up and see that it wasn't her who had texted him. I'm ashamed of that. I don't want to be that person. I think that the problem is me, because it's my brain that's been fixated on her when she's not even a part of this relationship. And when I'm feeling really secure in myself, I don't care about stuff that would make me freak out at other times.

A LIST OF THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MYSELF:

• My freckles. I also like the fact that they're where no one can see them but me and someone I'm in an intimate relationship with.
• The shape of my toes.
• My hair.
• The fact that I'm good at listening.
• I'm good with children.
• I've been told I give mature, relevant advice.
• My art.
• My ability to figure out how to play just about every instrument I've laid hands on without much/any help.
• My storytelling skills (when it comes to writing).
• I like being weird and different when it comes to things I like.
• I'm good at explaining things so people can understand.

I am lovable. I am worthy. I am enough.

I am perfect the way I am, because everything about me is what makes me, me.