Finding Yourself

The most difficult thing about life is figuring out who you are.

That should seem easy, you think. I'm born who I am. I have a unique personality that defines me, likes and dislikes, quirks and habits.

But it's not that simple. You realize that the first time someone asks you, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Now is the time to pause, because whatever you say next will define you in the eyes of that person; it will shape your image and put ideas in their head about your worth and your character and your intelligence.

But you're only four years old, so you're not thinking about all of that. And you promptly say, "I want to be a princess." They laugh and they smile and they tell you you're so cute. And you soak it up.

Next week, you've seen a fire truck go blasting past, sirens blaring and lights flashing, and your mom has told you that they're going to save people from danger. So you decide that this is a noble profession and the next time someone asks what you want to be, you tell them "firefighter."

Years go by, and maybe, if you're lucky, you've settled on something that you're fairly sure you want to spend your life doing. You dream about it and you do research on it...but by now you're a preteen and your peers don't judge you by your career prospects. They judge you by what music you listen to; whether or not you've kissed a boy. They judge you by the price of the shoes on your feet and how many followers you have on social media. And your priorities begin to change.

Suddenly, your future isn't that important anymore. After all, it's always just that...the future. Always just out of reach, never quite arriving.

How can you comprehend something that you've never seen? How can you plan for it, when there is so much going on right now, so many new things, forbidden things, a life to be lived here? Now?

But this is only the beginning, you realize. There is still high school. College. A whirlwind of faux responsibilities and first heartbreaks and first jobs...and then one day if you're lucky, it hits you. This was never the beginning. This is it. This is your life, whatever you're doing right now.

Your life was never the future. It's not "what you'll be when you grow up." It's not going to begin when you buy a house or when you graduate with a degree. You are alive now.

You have been, since the day you were born. Your four year old self knew that - instinctively. This could all end at any moment. And if it did, would you say you hadn't lived your life? But oh, my friend, you did. You lived it in the movie theaters when you were fourteen, eating popcorn and Skittles that you had smuggled in. You lived it in the hours spent at the playground, running through sprinklers in the hot summer sun. You lived your life in the stolen moments with lips meeting each other in an empty stairwell, in the time spent laughing with your friends, hugging your pets, arguing with your parents.

Every moment that passes is your life, right now. This is it. This is you. And yes, when you look back you will see who you have become, and you will remember who you used to be. But when you try to find yourself, and think that you will begin to live when you have finally reached the ideal version of "you" in your head, think again.

And understand.

You are YOU, right here, right now.

And that is okay.