Do I?
Maybe I do.
I'm not sure.
It's hot, and my brain feels kind of empty, which is a new thing for me. Usually it's going a mile per nanosecond, and is full of things that don't make sense yet make too much sense to me.
It's funny that I'm typing.
I swear my brain feels empty and I don't know which keys my fingers will press until they do it.
Let's see what's in an empty brain.
....
My fish made a bubble nest. I read online that that's a sign of a healthy, happy male betta. That's good. And my bullet journal is actually coming along nicely.
The weather has been in the mid-nineties these past few days, and today it hit one hundred in Laguardia airport. At least it hasn't been humid.
The sudden summer weather has me feeling rather strange. It reminds me of last summer, which was, uncontested, the absolute worst summer of my life. Everything fell apart back then, and although some things have fallen back together, there's this strange subconscious feeling of discomfort. Like...the weather reminds me of it. The sound of the ice cream truck outside or the Pokemon Go theme playing in the car as we drive through Brooklyn.
It's like I'm being reminded of a time when everything was so horrible and i was trying so desperately hard to be okay...and now that it is okay (even though mom's not here so it will probably never be fully okay again), my brain has to get used to that.
I need new batteries for my Tardis. The light's beginning to get rather dim.
I've been mostly okay lately. Sort of mellow and neutral. There have even been a few genuinely happy days in between. Been trying to teach myself that life is made of a whole lot of ups and downs, and just because there are guaranteed to be downs doesn't mean that you should ruin the ups by fretting about the downs.
The ups can be rather nice, and after all, the only thing that ever happens is RIGHT NOW. And right now, I think everything is quite okay.
I'm also beginning to realize that grief does this weird thing where it pops up COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED. Feelings are so fleeting. And it's possible to feel more than one at once, and more than three in the span of about twenty seconds.
For example. I'll be content with life, and happy about how things are going with Cali, and all warm and fuzzy because well dammit I can't seem to shut that off lately, and I'll walk past a photo of my mom or suddenly think of her and suddenly my chest feels like a cavern and there are tears in my eyes, and I'll try hard to think of good times but the tears will still slip out but at the same time the fuzzy feeling is still there or I'll also be stressed about getting ready for tutoring.
All that.
Today, I went from feeling indifferent to confused to disappointed in myself to anxious to neutral. So many feelings.
And you know me. I hate having feelings.
I kind of want to watch Doctor Who's latest episode (I recorded it) but it's eleven pm and I think I may be sleepy. I'm so not sure. I also kind of want to save it to watch with Cali.
Dunno.
And then you have that tiny voice that goes "But if you try to save it to watch with him then he will magically suddenly get bored of you and not want to date you anymore or be your friend anymore and then you will be stuck watching it by yourself because you dared to get excited about something."
Little things like that always pop up in my head. That's why I always shoot down feelings. I get burned sooner or later every time. Last time I got burned terribly...and for every dream I had there was a moment when I realized it was dying and I cried specifically for its loss. Like when I realized there would never be a Norah. I love that name, and it's lost to me now. Forever.
Or when I felt there was no point to have seen the milky way, because what good did that special memory do me? It only caused me pain when I looked up at the sky.
So now I'm afraid. Afraid to dream, afraid to expect anything or hope for anything, because if I do, it feels like i'm inviting the universe to rip it away from me while laughing manically.
I'm tired for real now.
Good night.
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