thoughts.

I think my problem is that I lose myself in people.

I take so long to let them in, that when I do, I wrap myself up in them and begin to see myself as an extension of them. I can't see my life without them in it.

It's the reason I'm so afraid to move to another state. How would I get to see Khrys? Or Nia? I can't think of a time when I wasn't completely caught up in another person...once I started to socialize. I grew up very sheltered, and was homeschooled until the 6th grade.

In middle school, my world revolved around a girl named Hannah. She sort of took me under her wing, but didn't need me at all. She couldn't have cared less if I disappeared...yet I was desperate for her approval and to be as cool and confident as she was.

High school...there was Betsy. It was mutual there; we were inseparable from 10th grade until senior year, when she joined the S.O. and got inexplicably popular and began to hang out with the in-crowd and I was left in the dust.

In college, I don't know actually. Ah, yes. Mary.

It seems that I fall for strong personalities and then lose myself in them. It's like my sense of self isn't strong enough to stand on its own. I begin to worry what these people think of me, and think that I'm not measuring up to their standards. I compare myself to some imagined version of what I think they think I should be, and of course I come up short.

And then I feel bad about myself.

Oh gosh. Am I one of those pathetic girls who leeches onto someone who is unattainable and tortures myself?

I need to figure out who I am and become secure in it. Yes, I'm constantly changing, and growing and evolving, but who I am, is who I am, right?

I'm a dreamer who thinks too much and loves to read, who loves poetic, sad things and things made of wood and earth, who thinks that words can be the most beautiful and the most deadly of weapons. I am someone who likes to be alone most of the time but still gets lonely without some form of communication from people I care about. I'm a girl with regrets up to here, and a bucket list that seems impossible. I love nature and pine trees especially, and if I go too long without a pen and a sketchbook I start to go insane. Give me time travel and aliens, coffee and tea with milk in it. Skip the sugar. I fill my room with scented candles and I can sit and stare for hours and just think. I believe that understanding is the key to solving all problems and patience is the most important virtue. I'm convinced the earth and the cosmos didn't just "happen" on their own...no. Life is much too complex for that.

These are the core elements that make me who I am, and I don't think these will change much. So why do I often feel like this is not enough?

I think the question here is, enough for who?

It should be enough for me, and for me alone. See, when I was younger, I was questioned and ridiculed for being different. For being the dreamer when everyone else wanted to gossip. For smiling too much. For reading Ender's Game in middle school when everyone else was reading Zane's sex novels. For having curly hair. For being taller than most of the boys and all of the girls. For not having a C-cup by the time I was fourteen. For speaking "like a white girl." For not dressing in tight clothes.

When I got older, I was "too nice." I was "not independent enough," because I had a close relationship with my mother and valued the morals my parents taught me.

I think I've always felt looked down on by others.

Recently, Nia told me that in school, people tried to make me feel bad because they were jealous of me. Well, they succeeded. They have me questioning what on earth they even had to be jealous over. I didn't feel pretty, didn't think I was pretty, I was always too skinny and flat chested and had unruly hair and an acne-riddled face that progressed into an acne-scarred face.

And I know these things are only external, but then consider being criticized for not wanting to disappoint your parents. For going to church. I don't have a big personality or presence that takes over a room when I walk in. I'm mellow. Why is that a bad thing?

Maybe it's not, but why do I feel like it is? What went wrong? When did the world start judging people for not being harsh and rude and bold and over-confident?

I guess the people who want to stick around, will. Whether I have acne scars or not. I'm always really polite, and don't speak up for myself enough I suppose. If that irks someone, too bad. When I get upset I withdraw. I can't help it. It's better that way, because I need time to process my feelings. Usually, I come to the conclusion that I'm overreacting in my mind, and it's saved me from blowing up at the person who offended me. How is that a bad thing? HOW? I've lost a friendship over that. I don't understand. Apparently I'm immature for doing that.

Do you see what I mean? Good God, it's like everyone has an opinion on how I should be, on how I should think, dress, act...why can't I just be me and be accepted for that?

Funny thing is, I have a core group of people who do just that. Accept me unconditionally and are there for me when I need them.

So why is it that the negative thoughts can get so loud?

I miss the days when I believed I didn't need anyone. I know now that I was wrong; life - or rather death - has taught me that I can't get through this journey alone. But I still wish I could.