I tend to think I'm not worth as much as someone else. I wonder if it's because of the whole Christian mentality. We are so unworthy, yet God loves us anyway. We are so wretched, and such horrible sinners, worth nothing more than to be cast into hell and burn forever, be tortured, but God loves us anyway. And somehow, doesn't want us to go to hell. That's what's been burned into my mind for as long as I can remember. Literally. As long as I can remember.
One shouldn't have "bad pride." So if you show off your accomplishments, that's bad pride. If you believe you are beautiful, that's being conceited. If you succeed here on Earth, you are getting all your rewards here on Earth and not storing up treasures in Heaven, and therefore you will be cast out with all the other sinners and burn in hell because you were happy here, so you don't get a reward in the afterlife.
Disappointing one's parents generally, growing up, is a direct result of disobeying them somehow. If you disobey your parents, you're disobeying God, which is sin, and no sin can enter Heaven, so you'll go to hell. Translate that into adult life, and if you make a choice that your parents don't agree with, or decide to try something they don't necessarily approve of, you're disappointing them. You're going against their will. You're not obeying them, not honoring your father and mother. You're sinning. This will cause you to go to hell.
In short, every action that I would take, in pursuit of my own happiness, is somehow linked in my mind to a detrimental chain that will drag me down to hell. Add that to my father's experience of having died and visited both hell and Heaven, and being so sure of that they exist...and you have the perfect recipe for my extreme terror at stepping out and doing anything that isn't exactly what I've been told growing up.
However.
I still do plenty of things that I "shouldn't." I cuss in my head when I think...when I'm upset or frustrated or just in general. I do my best not to do it out loud. I procrastinate way more than is healthy, and thereby don't get stuff done on time and I suppose that somehow that's wrong, and probably a sin because I'm wasting my time on this earth. I've cheated in a past relationship, and deliberately been the cause of someone else cheating in the past as well. That's adultery. I still feel like I'm not allowed to have a boyfriend, because as I've mentioned before, I think what my dad believes is that one should just meet someone and get married straightaway, on orders from God. That he would be the one to deliver. I have sex outside of marriage because, well, it's fun. And that's straight up qualified as a sin, totally listed on the list of things in the bible that will get you sent straight to hell.
So as a result of all this, these deep seated beliefs that represent the core of who I've grown up to be, and my struggles with them, any time I try to change it or think otherwise, I feel a horrible resistance inside, as if I'm lying to myself or standing on the edge of a precipice...no, not that last example. It feels completely undoable to reverse this thinking.
If I try to look in the mirror and tell myself that I am, in fact, beautiful, even on days when I like what I see there, I feel as if I'm making myself conceited and going against what is right. I literally get a feeling inside my chest as if I'm about to be punished. The same feeling I would get when I used to get in trouble with my parents, or when I used to do something that I knew would get me in trouble if they found out.
If I try to enact positive thinking and the power of attraction, I'm worried that because the people who propagate that idea don't talk about God and Jesus, that they must be opening themselves up to demons somehow, that the whole thing is a lie from the devil to get people to focus on something other than God...a counterfeit.
What if practicing self-love, telling myself that I'm okay, and worthy, and deserving of love and good things, is just fulfilling the end-time scripture that men will become lovers of themselves instead of lovers of God?
I'm afraid that if I question all of these deep seated beliefs, open myself up to consider other ideas, that the potential is there that all this stuff is actually true, and I'll go to hell because I fell for the devil's lie.
Fear is a powerful thing.
Love is supposed to be more powerful.
The trouble comes where fear is used as the method to teach Christianity instead of love. I was taught it through fear. How do I undo that? It's seeped into and poisoned me.
So this is it.
Hi. I'm Eia. I'm insecure. I'm afraid of making mistakes and being hurt as a result. I'm afraid of taking chances because I
I want to be happy, but even typing that feels wrong. I feel like I'm not worth anything besides to be cast away as a sinner, and every time I try to change that belief, it feels like further proof that I am an unworthy sinner, how dare I try to be happy on earth, I should suffer as Jesus suffered and be happy because that means I'm on the right path.
But what if there is nothing after this...and I'm just having a miserable unhappy life (not that I don't have nice experiences, but those experiences are tainted by the fear that by being happy now, I'm setting myself up for unhappiness later. As a direct result.)
Growing up, very often I would have an amazing, great day. Maybe hanging out with my friends, staying out a bit later after school. Maybe something great would happen that I had wanted for a while...or I just had an ice cream cone that I decided to splurge on and then as I walked home I noticed the flowers and the squirrels and the birds, and felt happy.
Very often, to the point that it feels like it ALWAYS happened, I would get home and either my parents would be fighting, or I would get in trouble because I got home late, or I would come home to find my pet gerbil had died, or anything equally traumatizing. So I equate current happiness with a guaranteed painful emotional experience later on.
I don't know how to shake that. I want to. Desperately. I want to enjoy moments without being afraid of losing the thing I'm enjoying later on. The whole time, I'll be worrying about losing it, and then the moment is over and I didn't even get to enjoy it.
When I hang out at my boyfriend's house, I worry that maybe he's getting bored of me. What if he'd rather I go home? What if he'd rather be by himself? What if my "bubble" (aura) is too intrusive and it's infringing on his? What if when he takes his phone with him when he leaves the room it's so he can privately text that girl without me knowing? What if I'm being clingy?
I know all this is stupid. He can be in a bad mood, yet still not ask me to leave. It can be pretty late, and he'll just turn off the lights and crawl into the bed next to me and cuddle up, still not ask me to leave. If I ask to come over, he has actually NEVER, EVER said no. He might say that later on in the day would be better, because he's busy, (which is rare) or if he's not home, he'll call to talk instead. He leaves his phone in the room with me PLENTY of times. Right next to me. He also doesn't have a passcode or fingerprint lock on it, it's totally unlocked. He's told me he's not interested in that girl, they just talk occasionally because she's fun to talk to, but when they hung out once (during the time we weren't together) they just weren't clicking. Which he brought up on his own, not as a result of me questioning him (which I don't do, because I appreciate that he doesn't do that to me and I also don't want to be that kind of girlfriend). If about a week goes by where we haven't seen each other, he'll ask to come over. He's told me that when we've had sex, he's been getting emotional. He's perfectly comfortable just being around me without talking, and then randomly starting to talk about something...basically the ebb and flow of conversation is comfortable and okay. When I stop obsessing and worrying and actually listen, I realize that he tells me both his plans and about things that are bothering him. He accepts me for the way I am, better at writing things out that bother me and texting them instead of talking it out in person, and he's never gotten mad about anything yet. He considers, and then explains or talks it out. I'm able to be around him and the hours fly by without either of us really realizing it.
Basically, everything is going GREAT. Of course, it seems too good to be true, and because ONE PERSON (my father) has told me that it won't work out, it makes me ignore all the signs of it going WELL, ignore how Gemini and Aquarius are listed as a near-perfect match, how the Snake and Dragon years in the Chinese zodiac are listed as a perfect match, how the INFJ and INFP personality types are listed as a PERFECT MATCH, and how we have been friends for an entire decade...and think that something is bound to go wrong. But the funny part is, something has already gone wrong. We broke up. We were separated for 4 months. Each of us tried talking to someone else during that time period, and then realized we'd rather be with each other. We got through it. We got back together. And our friendship remained intact during that time, too.
And that's what matters in a relationship. Not that nothing ever goes wrong, because stuff just does. People probably argue. We might argue sometime in the future. I'm inclined to think it'll be more of a disagreement with a long discussion, not an actual argument, because neither of us is the type to instigate shouting or yelling or anything like that, but the important thing is that we get through it. That we don't break up. Or give up on each other. That we are there for each other when it matters. He's been there for me when my mother died. I'm there for him when he's down financially or needs to vent. I don't know what other big stuff there is up ahead, but I know he's said that if for any reason we were to break up, he'd want to get back with me anyway, but that he doesn't have any plans or thoughts of leaving me. I know I don't want to leave him. That's what matters, right?
Nine days from today make one full year of us being back together.
I'm okay.
And although there will be days where I'm not feeling okay,
I will be okay again.
