Sitting

I'm sitting crosslegged, currently, and there's smooth jazz playing from a CD player in the corner. The lighting is dim. It could almost be a nice, classy jazz bar, were it not for the constant humming noise coming from the giant machine across the room that my mom is currently nestled inside, wrapped up tightly like a human burrito and under strict instructions not to move her head "an inch."

She's getting a PET/CT scan.

I noticed something this evening that I overlooked before. Up on the ceiling, right where her head sticks out, the monotony of the white ceiling squares is broken by a rouge tile painted with the scene of a rainbowed hot air balloon soaring through vibrant blue skies. A thoughtful gesture, that.

All I want is to be normal. Not to have to be the mother, the caretaker. I have no one to lean on. I refuse to, even if someone were to offer me a shoulder to cry on, I wouldn't take it. To do so would be to weaken myself, to share some of the burden.

But what happens when the person you choose to share with drops their half of the load?

No. I'm fine. And I will be fine. I promised myself I would be strong this time. I knew it would be hard, harder than before. But I'll be fine.

I just want to be normal.

Heartbeat

This city has a heartbeat.
When you walk, you feel it in your feet
The ever pulsating rhythm of millions
Dreaming bigger than the stars can imagine

A hundred hundred thousand wishes reaching up
To the skyscrapers that scratch the smoggy atmosphere and
Tear a hole in the fabric of reality
One collective roar of infinite possibility

When you are here
Anything is possible.

The tires burn the roads, black on black, yellow and green zipping by
Containing the the whispered stories of a thousand entangled lives
 Just for a moment you exist in theirs

She walks with a limp, the woman in the red coat whose eyes are
Fixated on her cell phone
She does not see me watching, does not hear me believing with every fiber
Every spark of my whole being that
All of her dreams will come true.

When you are here
Anything is possible.

The man in the business suit who is looking for an address at
Ten pm overlooks me
Inconspicuous on a two-wheeled contraption making my own
Dreams come true
Like so many others in this ever-ticking city
Where the clock never stops

And anything. Anything can happen.

step by step

It's coming together, slowly, oh so slowly, but surely.

I've got the logos almost completely sorted out, and I've got the song written. I think I may want to add one more verse to sort of sum it all up and complete it, but that remains to be seen. This week I'll be working on the music for the song, and I'm excited about that.

I think I'll put together my flyer this afternoon. I'm going to recruit people from the theater department at my school.

Besides that, I need to finish the screenplay outline, or whatever that's called, and then set a filming date. No. Not yet. NO! YET! Lol. I want it done before thanksgiving. Because then everyone will be trying to go home to their families.

It's coming together.

Good things are happening. Finally.
I mean, there's still a lot that's ugh going on, but there are two things that I'm extremely grateful for.

One: I joined an all-girls small group bible study, and it's amazing because there are actually other Christian people in the world. Like, I only see Christians in church or on tv. But not my age, and certainly not as nice and genuine like these girls are. So I'm really happy about that.

Two: I'm sitting in my car now having just come back from meeting with the dad of an eleven year old that I might start tutoring. I didn't get to have the first session like I wanted to because his mom wasn't feeling well unexpectedly, but I prayed beforehand and the meeting went well. I also didn't get bitten by the two dogs they had in their yard...instead I got fawned over and they were friendly.

I don't know what's going to happen ten minutes from now when I walk into my house, and I'm nervous about that because I brought the kittens inside today and my dad got quite upset. So they're hiding out in my room and have probably peed on my clothes or something, despite the fact that I put a litter box in there. The boy, Satchel, uses the box but his sister, River Song, is too afraid and earlier she pooped on a bag downstairs. Sigh. But I want to keep them so bad.

Point is, I'm feeling a little bit encouraged. From this small group and tutoring thing. And tomorrow I'm supposed to help out with New Hope Kids, so...small things to make me happy are cool. I'll take those any day.

Muah. Have a great day.