Zodiac stuff

This is basically the outline for my next video.

So I've been reading up on a whole bunch of zodiac stuff lately...for...reasons.

And I've realized that a whole lot of the things that they say about my sign - Aquarius - is actually pretty darn accurate.

Things that are oh so true:

1. detached. Yup. Even when I feel emotionally invested in something, I still back away and look at it logically, from every possible angle, and then make my decision based on what's logically best. Most of the time. Sometimes, lately, I've tried to let go and let my heart do the talking, but I always fall back onto logic. Also, it's easier to get through life if you're detached from difficult situations and stuff like that.

2. Emotionally cold. Well....not really, but more of that I don't show my feelings or emotions. I can write about them, but you won't hear me talking aloud about I feel this way or that. If you ask me to express myself to you about anything emotionally charged...I go into what my mother used to call "shut down mode."

3. Speaking of shut down mode: The silent treatment. Yes, if I'm upset, I will be silent. I might rant and rave a little bit, sort of complain, if something is just a minor annoyance. Like a printer that doesn't work at my job, or a late train. But if I'm truly upset or angry: SILENCE. And don't ask me what I'm thinking, either. Because if I'm upset at you, I'll be saying all sorts of cruel things in my head that are MUCH better left unsaid. And if I'm upset at a situation, my mind is reeling so fast that my mouth can't keep up with any of my thoughts. So....silence.

4. eccentricities. To be honest, I'm not sure what mine are, but more than one person has on more than one occasion told me that I'm eccentric. Weird. A little hard to pin down and unpredictable. Meh. If you say so.

5. love for knowledge. I love reading about science and outer space and really just about anything that's newfangled and technological or sciencey. I don't like having to apply this knowledge to anything (which is why I decided not to be a doctor), but I do love learning about it. I also want to know "why" for everything. How things work, why they have to be a certain way...just for the sake of knowing it.

6. Unpredictable. I guess I'm spontaneous. I've been known to be out exploring the city on my own and randomly decide to get a tattoo or a piercing...or just up and go on a day trip without any previous planning. Actually, that's the best way to get me to do something. If you give me too much time to think about it, I'll logic it out and decide that maybe I shouldn't do it. I'm also constantly reinventing myself and my style. In that way, I go through phases. Eh. Life is such for me.


7. needing space. OH MY GOSH YES. I need to be alone. Like, all the time. Okay, not all the time, but there will be times, and frequently, that I just pull away from everyone in my life and go into a shell to recharge. If I'm over stressed at work, I will stay away from my family, stop answering texts and phone calls, and just be on my own for an indeterminate amount of time. If I don't get this, I become snappy and irritable, and generally just a miserable person to be around. But then again, I MAKE the time to be alone, because otherwise I can't deal. My true friends know that I tend to disappear for anywhere from days to months and years at a time and then come back.  They get me. That's why they're my friends.

8. closed off. I can consider you my acquaintance...I have probably dozens of those. But it's going to take FOREVER for me to call you my friend out loud, and it's also going to take longer than that for me to call you that in my head. I have five people who call me their best friend, and only two who I say that about in return. They know who they are. Also, the more you dig for information from me, the more you want me to open up to you, the farther you're pushing me away. Just be yourself and don't be needy or clingy or assume that I'm your friend, and you're on the right path. But besides that...it's way too much work to get new friends. Wayyyy too much work. I like the ones I have now just fine.

9. Honesty and fairness. When I was younger, I used to lie to get out of trouble. Now, I don't see the point in it. Like, why? If you lie, you have to remember what you said, and it will eventually come back to bite you. Why cheat? Why lie? It's not worth it. Also, regarding fairness, everyone has a right to their opinion and belief. Just don't go killing people to make them conform to yours. And don't infringe on other people's rights in order to support your own belief. Be fair for everyone. Like, don't get rid of male and female bathrooms in favor of unisex bathrooms! Just add a unisex bathroom so that everyone can have their choice and option to use what they're comfortable with! Yeesh. Is that so difficult? Seriously.

Yup. So that's me in a nutshell, I guess. Aquarian to the bone. And back.

What do I do now?

I don't know what to do next. I know what I wanted to do...but it seems like all of that is changing. Not permanently. Just sort of, for the moment. I'm more into my art now, more than I ever have been before. And I want to start making youtube videos again. I liked doing that.

But the whole thing with the science, and with going back to school...I'm not ready for that - at all. And that makes me sad. Because I had wanted to release everything with that this month, but freaking life happened. Or should I say death?

I don't want to be stagnant. I think I'm just going through a period of change.

Like...

Things that have changed:

1. My mom passed away
2. We're supposed to move really soon
3. I have a boyfriend (WHAT!?)
4. My interests are realigning
5. There are a lot of cats in my house (5)
6. I'm trying to learn to cope with grief

So, I've never been one to deal with change really well. I tend to resist it with all I have. But some things you can't fight...and that's the most frustrating, aggravating, painful, sad part of it all.

You know what part I have the hardest time dealing with? The idea that she's NEVER coming back. Like, not ever. So I'm going to keep waiting for her to come back. Because she has to, somehow. Yup. Mhmm. Yeah.

That's what I'm waiting for.

Sigh.

So it's like, what do I do in the meantime? As soon as my dad gets his car fixed so that I can have my car back again (because I had it back for about a week and then he needed it to get to work again) I'm going to go to Starbucks twice a week in the early morning hours to write. I have to go somewhere to do it. And I need an escape routine that doesn't consist of spending the evenings away from home, because I realize now that my dad needs me. It's awful to be at home alone in the evenings. Heck, it's awful to be at home, period, in the evenings.

There's no mom.

I think I'll go make a youtube video. About what, I don't know. But I think that's what I'll do.

Sigh again.

some type of normal

It's hard to go back to normal. Especially when nothing is the same.

Yet still, some things are so terribly the same that when you expect to come home after tutoring and find mom waiting there and she's not there....

God, how does my dad stand it when I'm not home? Is this what he goes through?

I get why people preach about hard times. Hard times do come, and they SUCK.

I had some sort of a panic/anxiety attack at work today. My heart started racing and I couldn't breathe properly, and I went to the bathroom and started to cry. I don't know if anything triggered it or not.

That sucked.

How long do I have to stick it out before I can go to heaven and join her?

It's a catch 22. I wouldn't want to live forever, because I wouldn't want to go through everyone I care about dying, but I don't want to die and leave people behind and leave them sad. Why exist?

I need to fulfill my purpose in life so that I can make it worthwhile being here. Otherwise it's pointless.

My house has been so quiet, and then at the same time there has been music playing that never played before. A type of hype gospel music. And my mom never liked that kind of music. Finally this evening I changed the station and instantly felt better.

Pastor Elsie Obed is on the radio now...mom loved that radio show. She's an African pastor. She's saying we should think about things that are lovely, pure, of good report, if there be any virtue, any praise, we should think on these things. What sorts of things are good and lovely that I can think of? I need to fill my mind with positive thoughts.

I'm going to create a concrete vision board. With good thoughts and happy things and places and affirmations. I will write out my vision so I can see where I'm going. And I'll put it right where I can see it when I wake up every morning.

I'll have to speak good things. Positive things. Everything is good.

There is good everywhere.

I just have to find it.

Rant because so much

I have too much stuff going on this week. It all hit me unexpectedly. I thought it was next week.

Tomorrow I have a tutoring session that I need to prep for. Thursday I have a trip to go on with my job, that I did NOT realize #1: I had to participate in (and when I say participate, I'm the group leader) and #2: that it was this week. Friday is both the deadline for a very important survey I have to complete for my job, (again, thought that was next week) and also a photo shoot that I need to prep for and practice for and come up with prices for.

Sigh.

And then I need to plan for my dad's birthday and also come up with a price chart for Ms. A. But that really is next week.

I just needed to get it out of my head. It was driving me nuts.

Also...I haven't really, really liked anyone in a long time. Or felt feelings grow. It's an unusual sensation.

Bye!

Away

This is all pointless. What am I even trying for? What am I even trying to do with my life? I don't know anymore. I'm just existing. I don't have any sense of direction or purpose.

Before, I was working towards building my YouTube channel and writing, saving up money (or at least trying to) and taking care of my mom. I was motivated and driven. I wanted to do things with my life. Now, I have no more muster or verve or anything like that. It's just day to day, nothing changes, nothing gets better, everything is so empty. Inside me is empty.

My dad is concerned I'll lose my soul and be initiated into some demon thing. Is it too late? Is that why I feel so empty? What's funny is that I didn't even know I was empty. That's why I always say I express myself better through writing than through spoken words. I couldn't put words to the feelings I have.

But I don't want to do anything.

I don't want to move house, I don't want to write my novel, I don't want to make YouTube videos - I don't even want to watch them. I don't want to go back to school yet.

I just want to live and let live. I don't want to give my cats away. It's like I got out from being under the burden/all seeing eye of my mom who didn't let me do hardly anything only for my dad to pick that up and just....

I've already gone back to work and started tutoring again. I'm paying my bills. Why do I have to do all this other stuff too? Why can't I be around the people I want to? Why does everything have to be a plot to overthrow/destroy me?

I don't want to be at home. I want to go to the beach. I want to go and wander around Manhattan and stop into a coffee shop or sit in a bookstore. I want to just go, go, go, away from here, away from home, away from responsibilities that don't stop and away from a life that keeps going on when everything that matters has come crashing down.

I want to escape.

dear mamma

Dear Mamma,

Someone at work told me I should write a letter to you. That it would help.

I don't know if that's going to be true or not.

But I miss you. SO, so, so much. Would it be too much for you to come back, just for a day? Maybe that would be worse. That's probably really mean of me to ask. You suffered so much. I'm sorry. But I can't take it back. I do wish you would come and visit.

The other day I passed by Union Turnpike. I was coming from having given Brandon some money. You remember him, right? He called asking about you, and he was really sorry to hear you'd gone. He can sing really nicely...actually, he harmonizes really well. I went back to church on Sunday.

So like I was saying, I was coming back from there (he's moved to Flushing) and I wanted so badly to turn down Union Turnpike and go to the hospital to look for you. Would that make me crazy? I was convinced that I'd find you there. I was going to go, park, take the elevator up to the 9th floor, the 8th floor, and just ask for you. Maybe I should do that. If they tell me they have no patient by your name there maybe it'll stop me from feeling like I should be able to come see you there.

Maybe they'll lock me up in the psych ward. Do they have one? Sorry. I know you wouldn't want me to talk like that. But it's hard.

Sometimes I feel like you're still here. Like you're still around. And then other days, like today, it's just awful. Was this what the house felt like when you were alone? I'm so sorry. When I wanted my space and you wanted company....was I the worst daughter ever? I feel like I abandoned you. I tried so hard toward the end to be there for you...did you know that I was there when you crossed over? Did you hear me?

I have to end this letter here. I cried too hard.

I found den myke tingen.

I'm going to sleep with it tonight.

Jeg er glad i deg for evig. Og jeg fikk beskjeden din. Tusen hjertelig takk. Jeg visste at det var fra deg. Virkelig. Takk sa mye.

En klemm pa begge sider,

din kjaere datter.

I miss my mom

I just wanna text her.

Send her a message. maybe call her to make sure she's doing okay.

But I mustn't do that, because she won't answer, and it will break me.

I can't break.

Yesterday I came home, late at night, and when I went to unlock the door, I saw that the lights were off in the the master bedroom upstairs. That was incredibly difficult. Usually there would always be at least a small light on up there.

Do I really only have one parent left alive? That doesn't seem real or make sense. I think I'm too young for that.

But then most of the time it seems like she must be around somewhere. Like she's not gone. Just...out for a walk, or home, or maybe at the hospital.

Then other times it hits me like a brick wall, randomly, out of left field, and my head feels like it wants to explode and I start hyperventilating. That's happened a couple of times when I'm driving...and that's not good.

I don't feel well today. Physically. My stomach is bothering me. It's probably because I ate a shrimp roll for breakfast.

But I was hungry!

I haven't been eating more than once a day, if that, since the burial. So...since last Monday. Whenever I do, I feel sick. I might as well just stop eating altogether if that's the case.

I feel so sick right now, like I could throw up, or pass out, or both.

And I'm at work.

Bleh.