some type of normal

It's hard to go back to normal. Especially when nothing is the same.

Yet still, some things are so terribly the same that when you expect to come home after tutoring and find mom waiting there and she's not there....

God, how does my dad stand it when I'm not home? Is this what he goes through?

I get why people preach about hard times. Hard times do come, and they SUCK.

I had some sort of a panic/anxiety attack at work today. My heart started racing and I couldn't breathe properly, and I went to the bathroom and started to cry. I don't know if anything triggered it or not.

That sucked.

How long do I have to stick it out before I can go to heaven and join her?

It's a catch 22. I wouldn't want to live forever, because I wouldn't want to go through everyone I care about dying, but I don't want to die and leave people behind and leave them sad. Why exist?

I need to fulfill my purpose in life so that I can make it worthwhile being here. Otherwise it's pointless.

My house has been so quiet, and then at the same time there has been music playing that never played before. A type of hype gospel music. And my mom never liked that kind of music. Finally this evening I changed the station and instantly felt better.

Pastor Elsie Obed is on the radio now...mom loved that radio show. She's an African pastor. She's saying we should think about things that are lovely, pure, of good report, if there be any virtue, any praise, we should think on these things. What sorts of things are good and lovely that I can think of? I need to fill my mind with positive thoughts.

I'm going to create a concrete vision board. With good thoughts and happy things and places and affirmations. I will write out my vision so I can see where I'm going. And I'll put it right where I can see it when I wake up every morning.

I'll have to speak good things. Positive things. Everything is good.

There is good everywhere.

I just have to find it.