dear mamma

Dear Mamma,

Someone at work told me I should write a letter to you. That it would help.

I don't know if that's going to be true or not.

But I miss you. SO, so, so much. Would it be too much for you to come back, just for a day? Maybe that would be worse. That's probably really mean of me to ask. You suffered so much. I'm sorry. But I can't take it back. I do wish you would come and visit.

The other day I passed by Union Turnpike. I was coming from having given Brandon some money. You remember him, right? He called asking about you, and he was really sorry to hear you'd gone. He can sing really nicely...actually, he harmonizes really well. I went back to church on Sunday.

So like I was saying, I was coming back from there (he's moved to Flushing) and I wanted so badly to turn down Union Turnpike and go to the hospital to look for you. Would that make me crazy? I was convinced that I'd find you there. I was going to go, park, take the elevator up to the 9th floor, the 8th floor, and just ask for you. Maybe I should do that. If they tell me they have no patient by your name there maybe it'll stop me from feeling like I should be able to come see you there.

Maybe they'll lock me up in the psych ward. Do they have one? Sorry. I know you wouldn't want me to talk like that. But it's hard.

Sometimes I feel like you're still here. Like you're still around. And then other days, like today, it's just awful. Was this what the house felt like when you were alone? I'm so sorry. When I wanted my space and you wanted company....was I the worst daughter ever? I feel like I abandoned you. I tried so hard toward the end to be there for you...did you know that I was there when you crossed over? Did you hear me?

I have to end this letter here. I cried too hard.

I found den myke tingen.

I'm going to sleep with it tonight.

Jeg er glad i deg for evig. Og jeg fikk beskjeden din. Tusen hjertelig takk. Jeg visste at det var fra deg. Virkelig. Takk sa mye.

En klemm pa begge sider,

din kjaere datter.