I miss my mom

I just wanna text her.

Send her a message. maybe call her to make sure she's doing okay.

But I mustn't do that, because she won't answer, and it will break me.

I can't break.

Yesterday I came home, late at night, and when I went to unlock the door, I saw that the lights were off in the the master bedroom upstairs. That was incredibly difficult. Usually there would always be at least a small light on up there.

Do I really only have one parent left alive? That doesn't seem real or make sense. I think I'm too young for that.

But then most of the time it seems like she must be around somewhere. Like she's not gone. Just...out for a walk, or home, or maybe at the hospital.

Then other times it hits me like a brick wall, randomly, out of left field, and my head feels like it wants to explode and I start hyperventilating. That's happened a couple of times when I'm driving...and that's not good.

I don't feel well today. Physically. My stomach is bothering me. It's probably because I ate a shrimp roll for breakfast.

But I was hungry!

I haven't been eating more than once a day, if that, since the burial. So...since last Monday. Whenever I do, I feel sick. I might as well just stop eating altogether if that's the case.

I feel so sick right now, like I could throw up, or pass out, or both.

And I'm at work.

Bleh.