Away

This is all pointless. What am I even trying for? What am I even trying to do with my life? I don't know anymore. I'm just existing. I don't have any sense of direction or purpose.

Before, I was working towards building my YouTube channel and writing, saving up money (or at least trying to) and taking care of my mom. I was motivated and driven. I wanted to do things with my life. Now, I have no more muster or verve or anything like that. It's just day to day, nothing changes, nothing gets better, everything is so empty. Inside me is empty.

My dad is concerned I'll lose my soul and be initiated into some demon thing. Is it too late? Is that why I feel so empty? What's funny is that I didn't even know I was empty. That's why I always say I express myself better through writing than through spoken words. I couldn't put words to the feelings I have.

But I don't want to do anything.

I don't want to move house, I don't want to write my novel, I don't want to make YouTube videos - I don't even want to watch them. I don't want to go back to school yet.

I just want to live and let live. I don't want to give my cats away. It's like I got out from being under the burden/all seeing eye of my mom who didn't let me do hardly anything only for my dad to pick that up and just....

I've already gone back to work and started tutoring again. I'm paying my bills. Why do I have to do all this other stuff too? Why can't I be around the people I want to? Why does everything have to be a plot to overthrow/destroy me?

I don't want to be at home. I want to go to the beach. I want to go and wander around Manhattan and stop into a coffee shop or sit in a bookstore. I want to just go, go, go, away from here, away from home, away from responsibilities that don't stop and away from a life that keeps going on when everything that matters has come crashing down.

I want to escape.