What do I do now?

I don't know what to do next. I know what I wanted to do...but it seems like all of that is changing. Not permanently. Just sort of, for the moment. I'm more into my art now, more than I ever have been before. And I want to start making youtube videos again. I liked doing that.

But the whole thing with the science, and with going back to school...I'm not ready for that - at all. And that makes me sad. Because I had wanted to release everything with that this month, but freaking life happened. Or should I say death?

I don't want to be stagnant. I think I'm just going through a period of change.

Like...

Things that have changed:

1. My mom passed away
2. We're supposed to move really soon
3. I have a boyfriend (WHAT!?)
4. My interests are realigning
5. There are a lot of cats in my house (5)
6. I'm trying to learn to cope with grief

So, I've never been one to deal with change really well. I tend to resist it with all I have. But some things you can't fight...and that's the most frustrating, aggravating, painful, sad part of it all.

You know what part I have the hardest time dealing with? The idea that she's NEVER coming back. Like, not ever. So I'm going to keep waiting for her to come back. Because she has to, somehow. Yup. Mhmm. Yeah.

That's what I'm waiting for.

Sigh.

So it's like, what do I do in the meantime? As soon as my dad gets his car fixed so that I can have my car back again (because I had it back for about a week and then he needed it to get to work again) I'm going to go to Starbucks twice a week in the early morning hours to write. I have to go somewhere to do it. And I need an escape routine that doesn't consist of spending the evenings away from home, because I realize now that my dad needs me. It's awful to be at home alone in the evenings. Heck, it's awful to be at home, period, in the evenings.

There's no mom.

I think I'll go make a youtube video. About what, I don't know. But I think that's what I'll do.

Sigh again.