a realization or two

It's nice, having a best friend. One that's a guy. And that you like as more than a friend.

I can't believe it. I'm admitting to feeling happy. I'm always afraid that admitting that will cause a crash and burn scenario. But...this year I think is going to be all about experimenting. Giving chances to happiness. Spontaneity. (I spelled that word wrong twice before I got it right, lol)

It's funny, because I didn't label him as my best friend inside my head at first. It was like, he's one of my best friends. I knew I was his best friend (when a guy's girlfriend tells you that...wow).

It's still funny. It's almost like the title "best friend" doesn't feel right. Maybe closest friend? Yeah. Best friend sounds a little childish. But the thing is...I started thinking about it.

And I realized:
We can be together for hours in complete silence and neither one feels the need to break it, nor is it uncomfortable.
Then, if someone feels like talking, all of a sudden we'll be deep in conversation about either something philosophical OR randomly telling the plots of marvel movies or anime. Or trying to figure out how time travel works. Or what Daleks eat. Or whether you can have an infinite number of tardises inside of tardises.
He can be sculpting or playing video games and I can be drawing or reading and it's just nice to be around each other.
I actually feel like I can tell him most things, even the things that I hold dear to my heart. He's told me things that, well, I don't think he would have if he didn't trust me.
When I get excited about even the littlest things, he's the first person I want to tell.
We work really well together...the way we are around each other and interact.
He actually understands and is okay with me expressing important things via text rather than in a face to face convo...he's called it "acceptable," lol. Even to the point where he said it would be "acceptable" if I'd have broken up with him via a text. (He said that last year...when he was in the process of breaking up with me)
On that note...he doesn't blow up or get clingy or question where I've been or who I've been with like I've seen other guys do.
We're comfortable just randomly leaning on each other if we're both sitting on his bed..using the other person as a cushion/pillow. (I'd always wanted that)
He's literally my favorite person to be around.

So with all that...I thought to myself...what other qualifications would you have for someone being your best friend?

But after all that...that title still doesn't sound right.

I think I'll stick with "favorite person." That sums it up nicely.

Funny how it's all turned out and how far we've come. From being friends for nine years, (this month makes ten...wow, a whole decade) to deciding to give "more than friends" a try, to a break up, to break up sex, to deciding to try again...to where we are now, which...I mean, I admit it. I'm f*cked. Seriously. My walls are all down. Smashed to bits. Matter of fact...no. Not smashed. Dismantled. Neatly taken apart and the bricks have all been tidily put away.

I am so screwed.