How am I supposed to survive this?

I want my mommy. I miss her so badly. I can't stand the pain...it's in my chest, an aching, gnawing feeling. It's like my chest has teeth, and a raw gaping hole...a void, and it's dark in there.

How do I find my way out?

I WANT HER BACK. My God, how do people deal with grief? It's not even that my heart hurts...it's more like I have no heart. Like there's an empty, cavernous space where it used to be, and it HURTS.

I wish I could do like in the show Once Upon A Time and remove my heart so the pain would be less. Is this how she felt when she lost her mom? But she had my dad and me to distract her. But honestly, it must have been horrible. Because when she was growing up, it was just her and her mom, and then she couldn't even be there for the funeral or anything. How did she manage to take care of me? Did she cry? That probably explains why she lashed out at my brother...she didn't know how to deal.

If this whole thing is really true, really the case, that because of sin we have to die...then my goodness, WHY did Eve have to eat the apple? Why do we have to fall for Satan's tricks? We're all so stupid and gullible and nobody can ever get it right.

I need my mother. I need her very much. I wasn't ready to be an adult and live my life with her absent. Yes, I may have wanted to move out, but there's a condition that goes along with that: the opportunity to visit her, to see her, to talk to her, to have her give me tips on raising her grandkids and all that jazz. I was so "good" when she was around. It seems I've done nothing but what's considered "wrong" by Christians since she's been gone.

I'm not even worthy of getting her back. I don't deserve it. But it's like, if I could have her back for a day, not a day where she's sick, but a day where she's perfectly healthy and okay, and we can go out for a meal and talk and hug and she could tell me she's okay and that I will be okay, and that she will see me again...then I think I could deal with it. The pain might be worse at first, but I would have that to hold on to.

Like in the movie AI, where the little robot boy brought his mom back for an hour. Or maybe a day. I don't remember.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Not even Hitler. Nobody should have to feel the pain of losing their mommy.