thought blurbs

I woke up in a really crappy mood today. Heart racing, palms sweating...okay. Not the sweaty palms, but definitely the heart racing and an upset stomach. I was in a silent mood today. And then to make it worse, like six different people texted me all asking how I'm feeling.

I'm feeling like I don't want to talk to anybody, that's how I'm feeling.

I think I just need to get myself together and be productive. But there's immediate stuff that requires my attention. Like this stupid audit at work. And the slideshow for the graduating students. And the fact that we have to move, so, apartment hunting. Everything's a bloody scam nowadays.

I just want to be a writer in an apartment with maybe a roommate. So that the rent is cheaper. But it seems like no one is serious about moving, and then you have the issue that the people who are serious about it have pets, or the fact that my dad shouldn't have to be alone.

Will I always feel responsible for my parents? Will I never live my own life?

Can't I just do whatever the heck I want and not think about the consequences or what my family will think of me?

In a way, I do that anyway. But I'm also trying to be smart about it. Then I had to go get the stupid tattoo on my shoulder...which I'm going to tell my dad about. But not yet.

I just want to feel relaxed, happy and not broken.

You know what's an issue for me? The fact that I want kids and a family, I feel bad when I see other people my age or younger starting theirs.  But then if I think about it, I still want to travel the world, and it's a heck of a lot harder to do that if you're a mom.

Also, my coworker picks this time to leave her crying baby next to me to remind me of another reason I don't want kids just yet. What happens, though, is that thoughts keep coming into my mind of impossible futures.

It's so crazy. You have to live in the present, but work towards the future. I think I need to pour all my feelings into writing my story.

Maybe that will be my way to heal.