I am ninety-six, almost ninety-seven percent better when it comes to Calvin. I can deal. It had gotten to the point where I couldn't deal, and so I hit the switch. You know the one. The emotional "off" switch. It took a lot of crying and a lot of panic feelings when I'd see a text pop up with his name on it, and a lot of worse panic and overthinking during those in between times when he didn't text. Finally, I decided I couldn't take it anymore and I forced myself to figure out what was bothering me. I was projecting his emotions onto myself. I was worrying that he would decide he was in too much emotional pain and that he would decide he could no longer talk to me. And lest it become that stupid thing that society calls "self-fulfilling prophecy," I forced myself to remember when my mother was writhing in pain and I had to feed her. I had to shut off my emotions at that time or else I would have been no good to her; I would have been a useless wreck on the floor.
God. Those times when I wanted to hug her but couldn't because to hold her would have been to cause her more pain. All I could do was stare.
I'm horrible.
So I channelled the horribleness and remembered the feeling of shutting of my filter..of putting up the blockage in my chest and numbing the feelings. Of becoming an observer, of standing by while others suffer and doing nothing.
When there's nothing you can do.
So that's how I've managed to become 96 percent okay. That's up from sixty something a few days ago, so...that's a lot of progress.
I keep telling myself "it doesn't matter." It doesn't matter if he texts me or not. It doesn't matter what he's doing with his day. If he's in emotional pain, that sucks, but it's not my fault. (It feels like it is, but it's NOT.) He will eventually learn to deal, and since then, we've had running conversations through the day. I keep telling myself that he's a thinker, like me. He spent several days thinking over everything, and came to the conclusion that we were better off as friends, because he couldn't handle the emotions. Okay. That was a well thought out, conscious decision. So if he was in so much turmoil that he couldn't handle talking to me, he'd have stopped and/or said so by now.
That's my logic.
So in the meanwhile, I'm not going to suggest or ask anything lest it put ideas in his head, and then he really would stop talking to me, which I don't think I could handle (although I tell myself that "it doesn't matter.") Nothing matters.
Yeah. Try telling yourself that when you pop your head into your parents' bedroom to ask your dad what he wants to do for Father's Day tomorrow, and you find him on his knees weeping, surronded by my mother's belongings.
He's the only reason I wouldn't commit suicide. He doesn't deserve to have to lose his wife, his father, and then his daughter as well. He doesn't deserve to have to pack up and sort out the pieces of life that his partner for life left behind, and then do the same with his daughter's things...all alone.
So I'll stick around, for him. For Dad. Happy Father's Day.
In the meanwhile...since I've managed to come to grips with the stupid break up thing, it's left a leaky hole for all the Mom feelings to come rushing out.
And they fucking suck.
All I can do is draw and write. I weigh 154 lbs, which is down from 173 just over 2 months ago. It's less than I weighed in high school. And I still can't eat.
I'm sorry I cursed.
I'm not sorry I had sex.
What the fuck is going on in my life anymore? It's best not to care about anyone. I will only care about my dad because he's my dad and he needs me. But there is no point to ever fall in love, because that person will die and leave you. There is no point to ever having kids, because you will die and leave them.
Whoever said that pain and scars are the most beautiful part of being human....was an idiot.
But I do believe that if I am to survive and continue that I need to embrace everyone and everything that has ever happened to me. Everyone has helped to shape me into who I am. I can try to erase people from my existence...from my memory...or to say that this or that doesn't matter, but it's not true. There's been a connection with everyone I've ever met, be it positive or negative. Even if it's someone I just walked past on the street, we were a part of each other's lives that day.
And we are, truly, the sum of all our experiences as perceived through our mental filter.
So there.
You're all attached to me. I'm not sure if I like that.
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